Amazingly, I am agreeing with something said on WEEI. I think I’m gonna shoot myself. Anyhow, I agree with Glen Ordway, the Red Sox are discriminating against fat people.
Rich Garces is a role model for all fat people out there. He proves that fat people can succeed in sports other than sumo wrestling and doughnut eating. Besides, he is the third best pitcher on our staff, behind Pedro and Lowe. And honestly, Guapo was the cornerstone of our bullpen. Sure, Lowe put down basically every save chance he had, but we needed someone to get us from when our starting pitcher wore out to Lowe.
No, I’m not a pedophile, but I enjoy it every time Garces comes out of the bullpen. Just remember this line that Jerry Trupiano made up about Garces: “And he flips to Garces covering first for the out. Wow. He stepped on the base with authority. He stepped on the bag, and the bag said ‘ouch!’”
Garces and Lowe were the two best pitchers in our bullpen last year. Hippolito Pichardo did a great job as well, but Garces just seemed better. It wasn’t anything I can back with statistics. It was just that, when he came out of the bullpen, a feeling of relief seemed to permeate Fenway. When Garces was on the mound, everything was okay. It was the closest thing to the “Pedro” feel. No, I’m not blaspheming. I doubt that anything will ever match the Pedro feeling, or come close, except maybe Mark McGwire batting with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth. It was like getting cheap play at a college party, it was the closest thing you could get to actually having a girlfriend at that time. By the way, I’m single on Valentine’s Day. How much does that suck?
Speaking of Valentine’s Day, does anyone remember what I wrote about Wakefield and Merloni being the best looking guys on the team, from the female standpoint? Well, in that same conversation, we determined that El Guapo beat out Nomar for third place on the team. Sure the guy looks like an oversized teddy bear crossed with Spanish Fly, but I was still shocked.
So Dan Duquette, people say that you’re one of the smartest businessmen in the business right now. Then listen to this:
1) You’re probably aren’t going to be here next year. Why not just give Richie his contract? You’re playing with someone else’s money.
2) Everyone loves Rich Garces. Some people come to see him like a circus freak. Some people think that he’s the hottest thing since platform shoes. He draws people like Pedro does, except Pedro is the skinnier teddy bear. You’ll get higher attendance and more money if you sign him.
3) You look slim in comparison to him.
4) I really shouldn’t include this reason, since it’s so marginal, but what the hell. He’s the best reliever on the team. Notice I said reliever, not closer. Some general managers might find this to be an interesting concept, that someone would sign a good player to a long-term deal, especially a reliever. I mean, look at Seattle and Jeff Nelson, that’s quite revolutionary, isn’t it? Just a though, though. I hope I didn’t cross the line there, and completely damage my credibility.
Now, some closing thoughts:
If anyone calls Garces “El Gordo”, I will officially kick his or her ass.
Is Jimmy Williams going senile, or am I just imagining things?
Contrary to the idealistic viewpoint many people have taken, I cannot always write uplifting and positive stories. I hope my first couple columns haven’t misled people. If Jimmy or the Sox screw up, I’m not gonna sugar coat it.
Even if he is senile, Jimmy Williams has a huge set of nuts for an old guy. Look at who he’s challenged during the past couple years: Pedro Martinez, Carl Everett, and Dan Duquette. That takes some stones; I don’t care if you won the Manager of the year award.
Jeff Bagwell is a moron. I know I’ve talked about this before, but I’m still pissed. Duquette would have signed him next year. Look at the amount of money that is freed up next year from the contracts of Bichette, Lansing, and Valentin. By my count that’s at least 12 million dollars. And with the loss of Bichette, we could use another big bat. Can’t you put the pieces together, moron?
My new contest: The Nose Off. My first two contestants: Jorge Posada and Nomar Garciaparra.
Jeff Nickel is an idiot. What the hell was up with that stupid article “Boston Red Sox win the Series”? That was the worst satire I’ve ever heard. I can’t believe the editor let that slip onto website.
Okay, enough rambling. Red Sox start camp on Saturday. Hopefully, my first column as an official redsox2000.com columnist will be published on that date. I’m going snowboarding next week from Monday through Friday. I’ve scheduled it so that everyone is occupied with Spring Training and forgets about my columns. No, not really, I just did it because that’s my vacation week. In addition to contacting me via e-mail, my AIM name is I wear 2 red sox.
Enie meenie minie moe, catcha tiger bytha toe, if he hollers letem go, enie meenie minie moe…Cone! You’re the number 2 pitcher!