Miss Cornelia held that the woman whose hands were
employed always had the advantage over the woman whose hands were not."
Rainbow Valley, II
~Lucy Maud Montgomery
 |
My True-Love Hath My Heart
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his,
By just exchange one for another given:
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss, <
T'here never was a better bargain driven:
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his.
His heart in me keeps him and me in one,
My heart in him his thoughts and senses
guides:
He loves my heart, for once it was his own,
I cherish his because in me it bides:
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his.
~Sir John Philip Sidney
Haircuts
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.........
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
More Planetary Fun
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look
great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I
do? Must be the lighting."
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
what happened.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse."
An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings. "I've got good news and bad news," she said. "The good news is that some guy
inquired if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"And the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
One-Liners
Dr. to patient: "Well, Mrs. Jones, I'm afraid you're not quite as sick as we'd hoped."
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why isn't Phonetics spelled like it sounds?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Illiterate? Write today for help
Auto repair service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.
In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says:
"Do not throw stones at this sign."
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
-Will Rogers
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves
- Abraham Lincoln
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is
that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
Gravity always gets me down.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
|
|
