Okay, I wasn’t going to bother replying to any of this crap, but it seems that you have nothing better to do, so here goes.  I'd just like to clarify some of the points you've made;

1. You clearly have a great sense of irony between the two of you, since I, with my whole life spent surfing the net, have only had the time to post a couple of replies to your posts, whereas you must have spent most of your day typing in all those said messages, what with Ross not being able to press one key at a time, and Ian bashing each key repeatedly in the midst of yet another caffeine rush.  Give it a few minutes before he starts sulking again and can type properly.
2. Another example of irony - Ross actually had the gall to say I look at child pornography! This coming from someone who set up their scour exchange folders in age ranges from 11 to 17! Oh but then, I suppose you were only doing it to piss me off.
3. As I already said, I don't really care what you think of my appearance, but if you really think I'm that ugly Ross, I do wish you'd stop flirting with me.  Actually, I wish you'd stop doing that altogether. The funny thing is that when I was reading that, neither did I have the 'fro or ginger hair, so that'll take a special place in my heart.
4. Having my hygiene insulted by someone with enough sweat under their arms to refill Lake Nasser after a drought was particularly poignant point.
5. Okay, maybe Ian was right about the not having lived until you've played Quake 3 at 60fps, but then surely driving a car a bit quick isn't any more of an achievement? Personally, I would say that you haven't lived until you get to wake up every morning next to the woman you love.  I'd love to see you try and hit 100mph in your little Corsa too. As per usual, yet another turn of phrase is seen floating over your heads.
6. This one actually made some sort of sense! Congratulations! If I am, as you say, anaemic, one of the side affects is low levels of iron in the body, which would explain my less than rosy complexion.  Or it could just be that I'm slim built and, as you keep pointing out GINGER - is your eyesite so bad that you've never noticed that ginger people have light skin? Come to think of it, that could explain a lot of things, like the fact you haven't noticed between the two of you that Ian is skinner than me.  Perhaps you just thought it was Ross making him look smaller.
7. Calling me gay.  Yeah nice one.  I bet it took you ages to come up with that little gem.  I only have two words to reply to that - You wish.
8. With regards to me never leaving my house. The only way I can think that you could have found that out (were it true of course) would be to camp out at Brent's house, but since he likes you even less than I do, I don't think that's very likely.  Also, just because I don't go out with you doesn't mean I don't go out.  Although I know you'd like to think differently, the World does NOT revolve around you.  However, a certain group of physicists in Des Moines, Iowa, do have a theory about that, i.e, small masses will orbit larger mass due to the differing gravitational fields.  You might understand that if you did Physics...oh hang on a sec...  Which leads me on to...
9. I can't believe you're so fuck-witted that you tried insulting my intelligence.  You're trying to tell me that people only tell me I'm clever? Well, even if that is so, I say let 'em! They can keep telling me that all the way to my nice cushy, high paid job!  It's sure as Hell that no ones ever going to say it to either of you, whether their lying or not!
10. You know, I've never had any one say there's any resemblance between me and Danny DeVito, but hey man, I'm flattered.  If I'm the off cuts of the experiment, there must be some incredibly handsome, but very stupid man out there.  And before you start your snide comments about me saying 'handsome man', believe or not, when you grow up you'll be able to say that without sniggering, and hear it without claiming the person who said it is gay.
11. I have to say, I've never noticed this crippling speech impediment that only affects one word I say, but still, I think I'd prefer to have a speech impediment than a weight impediment.  It's hardly surprising seeing as I have an overbite you could sink a ship in.
12. Wearing black.  Nice work 'GUYS'.  Black is the most commonly worn colour in Britain.  Perhaps if Ross saw some people other than Nick Hawtin (sorry if that's spelt wrong, but I don't really give a fuck), he might know that.
13. Somebody call MI5! I haven't got a job! Just like Brent, Luke, Paul Segar, and countless others across the country.  At least from seeing you in Tesco I understand why you wanted to work there; it doesn't require any sort of intelligence what-so-ever; you get paid to sit on your arse all day. And by-the-way, just what exactly do you spend your 'copious' wages on? It's clearly not clothes, apparently you don't use your computer since it's 'so sad', so it can't be that.  Oh yeah, now I remember, driving lessons! How many is it now? Except of course that you don't pay for any of them.  Your parents do.  The same parents that borrowed about £1000 from you? You betcha! I already know your reply to this one, so I'll save you the trouble of trying to having to type it with your idiot stick.  ~Puts on bad mockney accent and starts sweating profusely~ "Cor blimey guv', you ain't even started taking lessons yet. Pukka, I'll go get pa a brew, I'll just nip down the apples and pears, and put on the petal".  Well I don't really see the point at the moment, because there's no where in Crawley that's not within walking distance.  You remember walking? It's that thing your parents though you might do sometime before you puberty.  We're still waiting on that one.
14. The funniest thing of all.  Why is it that on some poxy fucking guestbook on this shite little Bob The Builder website (Had to get it in somewhere), you say all this stuff, and yet when I'm standing next to you, the worst thing you can muster from the pit of your belly is (mumbling) "mmph mmph mmph mmph, mmm mmmhh mmph son.  Fathom"?  You keep going on about being a man, so why don't you try it? Say it to my face in future, and I might give you some credit.  Only some mind.

For all the (3 other) people reading this who aren't Ross or Ian, I'd just like to thank God, my parents (for all their genetic experiments, I love 'em all the same), and of course my Twin brother (the one whose leftovers I'm made of.  Supposedly).  I can't wait for the reply to this, although I think I'll probably have to.  You guys (never mind) have made a slightly disappointing holiday season into one of the best ever.  On behalf of me, Brent, Luke, and anyone else who has had the joy, nay, delightful pleasure of reading your comments, we'd like to thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.  Thank you, and goodnight (sorry to nick that Brent, but it such a great way to end these things). 

Hopefully, the guestbook will be back up pretty soon, but you'll have to use the MAD one for now.

P.S - Come on, I was only joking - I don't really thank God.

P.P.S - I'm still flabbergasted  the poor quality of some of these insults.  Apparently yet another allele has slipped quietly out of the Killick gene-pool.

P.P.P.S - I had a sense of deja vu the whole time I was typing this (about 10 minutes), and I've just realized why.  It's only the vicious comedy attack of Sid Little and Eddie Large, personified in the 21st century almost perfectly, right down to the crappy attempts at humour.