GUILTY

CHAPTER 28

For once, I was awake when Cheryl arrived with my dinner. When I first woke up my heart sank as I realized I was back in my old cell. For a minute, I couldn’t remember why, but then as the last of the drug faded away, it came to me and my mood went from bad to worse. Self-pity reared its ugly head again.

Sometime later Sheriff Mason told me that Cheryl would be bringing my dinner soon and my mood brightened a little.

I waited for the better part of an hour for Cheryl to arrive. I wasn’t very hungry but I did want to see her again and make sure she wasn’t angry with me any more. A fella could dream couldn’t he? She arrived with a tray along with a great big smile aimed straight at me. It was as though she was trying to reassure me that all was well between us. Sheriff Mason let her into my cell and provided her with a chair while she watched me eat.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I ate in silence and she seemed content to watch. I guess we were waiting for the other to say something first. It was a very awkward moment.

We both broke the silence at the same time. “Cheryl, I…” “Jess, I…” We both hesitated waiting for the other to speak again.

She laid a hand on my arm and squeezed it. “Let me go first.”

“Alright, I’m listening.”

She looked at me tenderly. “I want to apologize for putting you in such an awkward position this morning. I had no right to demand you tell me how you feel about me. I realize now that you were only trying to protect me and I’m willing to wait until the time is right. There, I said it. Now what was it you were going to tell me?”

I stabbed at the food on my plate with my fork. “Uh, actually it’s more or less the same thing that you just said. I agree, I don’t think now is the right time to discuss our feelings for each other...”

She smiled nodding her head. “I understand, Darling, and I promise not to pressure you again.”

I reached out for her hand and squeezed it. “Thank you for understanding. There’s too much uncertainty hanging over my head for me to think about anything but getting through each day a little stronger and a little closer to freedom. Being back in this jail cell has been very sobering.” I picked up my fork again and started stabbing at my food in frustration.

Cheryl sat down on the cot beside me, put an arm around my shoulders and hugged me. “I wish you didn’t have to be in here Jess. It just doesn’t seem fair after all you’ve been through.”

I took her hand in mine and caressed it with my thumb. “I’ll survive as long as I have you to count on.”

She glanced toward the window that faced the street and kissed me lightly on my cheek. “You know you can. I’ll always be here for you.” She looked down at my hand on her hers and the looked up reluctantly into my eyes. “Well, I’d better be going. Nathan is waiting outside to take me home.”

She stood and then bent down reaching out she placed her fingers under my chin, tilted my head up, planted a whopper of a kiss on my lips and then was out of my cell and out the door of the jail before I could say a thing.

She called out over her shoulder. “Good night Jess, I’ll be back around noon tomorrow with your lunch. Doc Owen said he’ll bring your breakfast over when he comes to check on you.”

I watched her leave. Jealousy ate at me and I sat and fumed. Nathan again, he’s always there with her bringing her to me and whisking her away as fast as he could. How convenient. I struggled to my feet, wrapped my hands around the bars and leaned my head against them. What chance did I have against him? He was polished and educated and he most surely was in love with her too. I feared it was only a matter of time before I lost her to him.

Sheriff Mason appeared as if from nowhere. He closed and locked my cell door. I hadn’t realized that he had left it unlocked while Cheryl was in there with me. Either the sheriff was getting careless or he was just being kind.

True to his word, Doc Owen arrived bright and early with my breakfast the next morning. After looking me over thoroughly he declared that I hadn’t suffered any ill effects from the bumpy ride I had getting here. He said I should get up as often as I felt like it and walk around my cell, using the bars of my cell as support. Sheriff Mason even volunteered to let me out of my cell so I could walk around his office when I felt up to it.

After Doc left, I managed two trips around my cell. I still didn’t have much stamina and I was worn out so I napped and rested until Cheryl came with my lunch. We sat and talked about nothing in particular until she asked me to tell her more about my past.

“Jess, I want to know all there is to know about you. You told me how you’ve been on your own since you were fifteen but you didn’t say how you managed to survive by yourself at such a tender young age.”

I shifted uncomfortably on the cot. “I don’t feel comfortable telling you or anyone else about my past. I did nothing I’m ashamed of. Let’s just say that I’ve led a violent life. Most of it wasn’t of my own making.” I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness.

She must have noticed the regret in my eyes and she took my hand in hers. “But Jess you didn’t have much choice did you? You were so very young when you lost your family. Please don’t blame yourself for the life you had to lead.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “No matter how hard I try to avoid it, violence still seems to follow me wherever I go. Look what knowing me just a short time did to you.” I lay back on the cot and rested an arm over my eyes. I was feeling tired again. I fought to push back the self-pity that wanted to creep into my mind again.

She pulled my arm away from my eyes and looked at me with disdain. “Jess Harper don’t you dare blame yourself for what happened to me. I’ll have you know that I don’t care what you did in the past. All I know is that in spite of all the violence in your life you grew up to be a strong but gentle and caring man.”

Her answer took me by surprise. “I hardly think of myself as being “gentle’ but I do care what happens to you.” I placed my arm over my eyes again and hoped she would drop the subject.

Footsteps approached my cell and I lifted my arm again and saw Nathan standing outside my cell door.

“Hello Jess. How’re you doing? Sorry you had to be confined to a cell again.” He said.

Before I could answer him, he looked at Cheryl. “Are you ready to leave now? I have to drive out to the Sherwood’s to deliver some groceries and thought I’d better fetch you now and deliver you home before I go.”

“Thanks, Nathan, I think Jess wants to rest anyway.” She looked pointedly at me as if to say that she wasn’t through with our conversation and would talk to me later.

She left the jail with her hand resting in the crook of Nathan’s arm without even a backward glance at me. She didn’t even give me a peck on the cheek to say good-bye. It was becoming painfully obvious that Cheryl was spending a lot of time with Nathan and I don’t think he’s just acting as a driver for her. I guessed it was only natural. I ain’t exactly been great company for her lately. I was so frustrated I started talking to myself aloud. “How can I compete with Nathan lying here in this jail cell? Some suitor I am. I’ve done nothing but lie on my back for almost the whole time we’ve know each other.”

I got off the cot and tried walking again. I spent the rest of the afternoon passing the time between walking and resting. A couple of times I fell into a troubled sleep.

Each time I walked, I felt stronger. It felt great and at the same time strange to be to be able to stand on my own feet again. At one point during the past two weeks, I had begun to think I was never going to get well. I was sure that I would end my days lying flat on my back unable to move. I took one more lap around my cell, lay back down, and quickly fell asleep.

I slept until Sheriff Mason brought me my dinner that evening.

I looked around the room. The sheriff was the only one there. “Where’s Cheryl? I thought she was bringing my dinner.”

“Nathan hasn’t returned from making his delivery and she had to help her mother close the store. She sent a boy with this message for you and your supper tray.”

I took the note and placed the tray on the stool next to my cot. I opened the note and read it.” Dearest Jess, I’m so sorry I can’t be there tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow when I bring you lunch. I’ll miss you. Love, Cheryl”

I wondered if Nathan delayed his return on purpose. He could be trying to use that old tactic of ‘divide and conquer’ so he can get between Cheryl and me. She would be better off if he did win her over. What kind of future could I offer her even if I did go free? I ain’t got no home and I’d only managed to save $100 over the past year that I had worked for Slim.

With nothing else to do I got Mason to play a game of checkers until I grew tired and called it a night. During our game he reassured me that my acquittal was sure to be a done deal and I was still hesitant to believe him. Around nine I stretched out on my bunk and closed my eyes. Within minutes, I was fast asleep.

The next two days passed pretty much with the same routine. Cheryl came at noontime with my lunch and we chatted a while and then she would leave with Nathan. Dinnertime was pretty much a repeat of lunchtime. She always embraced me and kissed me when she arrived and left. When we talked, she sat beside me on my bed and held my hand in hers. We kept the subjects of our conversations on a more or less non-personal level. Nathan was always there to take her home. I suspected that he took her on buggy rides into the country afterwards.

I continued to grow stronger with each passing day. I spent less time sleeping and I no longer needed the support of the bars of my cell or furniture while I walked. There had been no news from Slim or the judge. When Tuesday rolled around, I began to worry. By late that afternoon there still was no word from Slim and my strolls around my tiny cell turned into pacing back and forth like a caged animal. Cheryl arrived with my supper at her usual time…

When she arrived, I stopped my pacing and sat down on my bunk. I had worked up a sweat and my legs were aching.

“Jess, what’s wrong? You look exhausted. What on earth have you been doing to wear yourself out so much?” She sat down beside me, gave me a hug and kissed me lightly on the lips.

I took a deep breath to slow my breathing. “I’m alright. I guess I’ve been walking too much today.”

“Well, eat your dinner and when you’re finished I want you to lie down and get some rest. I think I should leave as soon as you’re done. We can visit tomorrow when you’re feeling better.”

I had lost my appetite. Another day had passed and there was still no word from Slim. My mood had dropped to an all time low. “Cheryl, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll lie down now. I’m not hungry and you’re right I am exhausted.”

“But you need to eat to keep your strength up. Something has happened hasn’t it? Won’t you tell me what’s bothering you?” Her eyes began to tear up.

“Cheryl honey, it’s nothing. I’m just tired is all. I’ll be fine in the morning. I won’t be much company if you stay so you might as well go home. Thanks for bringing my dinner and I’m sorry I’m not hungry enough to eat it.” I stretched out on my cot and closed my eyes.

Cheryl kissed both my eyes and whispered in my ear. “I’ll see you tomorrow. You get some rest now.”

GUILTY

CHAPTER 29

The smell of fresh coffee was the first thing I noticed when I woke up. The smell was so strong I could swear it was floating right under my nose. I felt heat and I opened my eyes to see nothing but a big white blob that turned into a coffee cup, as my eyes finally focused. “What, the….” I careful like moved the cup away from my face and saw the beaming face of my pard and boss leaning over me. “Oh, it’s you. I shoulda guessed it was you. You’re the only one I know who’d have the nerve to pull a stunt like that. Ya coulda scalded me.”

“Good morning to you too, Jess. How’re ya feeling? You were sleeping so hard I almost hated to wake you but we’ve got some business to tend to that won’t wait.” Slim was smiling broadly and seemed very pleased with himself.

I knuckled my eyes to get rid of the cobwebs that lingered in my head. “What? Gimme a minute will ya. I just woke up and I ain’t even had a cup of coffee and yer wanting to talk about business? What’s so gol’durn important it can’t wait until later? What time is it anyway?”

“It’s nine o’clock and time to rise and shine. Didn’t you get my wire about your new trial? That’s what we gotta talk about.” He held the cup up again.

I shoved the cup out of the way and sat up. “What wire? I didn’t get no wire. What’d it say?”

“Just that the judge in Denver will be coming to Boulder on Friday to preside over your trial personally.” He grinned from ear to ear again.

“But Slim, today’s Wednesday… I think. If the trial’s not until Friday, what’s the big rush?”

“None really, I just wanted to see if your mind was functioning okay. Before I left for Denver, you were sorta out of it so to speak. ”

“Well, did I pass your test?” I wasn’t in the mood for his games and I was feeling a little grumpy.

“With flying colors.” He flashed another big toothy smile at me. “Are ya hungry?”

“I’ll let ya know after I have some of that coffee you’re holding.” I swung my feet onto the floor.

He looked at me in surprise. “I go away for a few days and look at the change in you. You’re actually sitting up all by yourself.”

“That’s not all; I’ve been walking around this cell a lot too.”

Slim gaped at me. “Does Doc Owen know you’ve been up and walking?”

“He’s the one that told me to do it. It’s been perfect for me. It’s small and I have all these bars to hang on to. I think the sheriff did me a favor throwing my ass back into this cell. You know me; I don’t stay down any longer than I hafta.”

“This is great Jess, but Judge Rawlins and me had kinda based some of your defense on appealing to the judge’s sympathy. We were going to bring you into court on a cot. We figured that when they saw how sick you were they couldn’t possibly think you were guilty of anything after hearing all the facts.” He tried to keep a straight face and failed miserably.

I decided to play along with his little game. I looked at him dumbfounded. “You mean you were actually counting on me to still be sick and that would be part of my defense?”

Slim broke out laughing. “Gotcha! Naw, we’re pretty confident that we can present enough evidence to convince any jury of your innocence. Don’t forget that day up in that miner’s shack three people heard Rafe admit to killing not only Reynolds, but the saloon girl and the deputy.”

I shook my head. “I don’t remember any of that. I guess I was too far gone by then.”

“Jess, when Judge Rawlins and I told the federal judge in Denver what Rafe had done he was more than willing to grant you a retrial. He said that all he had to do was wire Leavenworth and tell them he was granting you a retrial and that he would preside over it himself here in Boulder.”

I hadn’t noticed that Sheriff Mason was standing in the open doorway of my cell until he spoke. “I just got word from Judge Rawlins that I’m to release you immediately. He also sends his apologies for not being here to prevent the townspeople from making me lock you up.”

I was so taken by surprise that all I could say was, “Thanks Sheriff. Slim, can I have that coffee now?”

He laughed, “Is that all you have to say? I thought you’d be jumping up and down for joy and charging out of this cell raring to go.”

“It’s a lot to take in at one time and I’m just taking it slow and letting it sink in while I drink my coffee. Besides, I’m not up to charging anywhere’s just yet. All I can manage is to limp around a little.”

“I know that, I was just joshing ya. I have Doc Owen’s buggy outside to take you back to his office.”

We went to Doc Owen’s house where Mrs. Owen greeted me with open arms and then ushered me into their dining room and sat me down to a huge breakfast.

When I finished I thanked her, then walked to my old room and lay down on the bed. Slim’s good news was finally sinking in and I was so overwhelmed that I needed time to digest what it all meant for me. I suddenly felt very tired. I still didn’t have a lot of stamina and the drain on my emotions was taking its toll too. Slim had followed me into my room and sat down and we talked for a few minutes and then he left. I lay on the bed thinking how my life had suddenly changed for the better. Maybe I could start thinking about a future with Cheryl. Slim said he felt confident that I would be a free man by the end of my trial on Friday.

I lay on my bed until Cheryl arrived. I sat up, dropped my feet over the side of the bed stretching out my hand to her and took hers in mine. “You sure do look beautiful today.”

She blushed as usual, pushed a lock of hair off my brow and ran her fingers through my hair in a tender caress. “Are you feeling any better today? You’re certainly looking a lot better than you did last night when I left.”

I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed her palm. I pulled her closer urging her to sit beside me and I wrapped my arm around her waist and held her tight to me relishing the feel of her body against me. “I feel great now that you’re here.”

She leaned her head on my shoulder and snuggled up against me. I realized that we had never held each other this way before and yet it felt as natural and comfortable as if we had done it a hundred times before. I cupped her face in my hand and caressed her cheek lovingly.

She looked up into my eyes and said. “This feels good and I feel like I could stay here in your arms forever… However, Mrs. Owen said lunch would be ready in a few minutes and she’s liable to come walking through that door any minute to let us know when to come to the table.”

She removed my arm from around her waist and looked at me tenderly. “Do you realize that today will be the first time we’ve had a meal together since that day we took a ride in the country? I can’t believe it’s only been three weeks ago. It seems more like it’s been an eternity.”

I grinned at her sheepishly when she pulled herself out of my embrace and I stubbornly held on to her hand. “I know I’ll never forget it. It was one of the nicest days I’ve ever spent in my life.”

Her smile was dazzling. “I know I’ll never forget it because it was the day I fell in love with you and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”

I let go of her hand and rubbed my neck in frustration. “Cheryl… I…”

“I’m sorry Jess, it’s just that I’m so hopelessly in love with you that I’m bursting to tell the world even though Nathan…” Pressing her fingers to her mouth, she stopped before she completed her sentence.

I couldn’t help myself and let my jealousy of Nathan take control. “Even though Nathan… what? What were you going to say about him? I’ve noticed that you’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately. I guess I shouldn’t’ be surprised.”

“Why Jess Harper I do believe you’re jealous and don’t you deny it!” She grinned impishly and seemed more pleased than angry.

“I’m no such thing. Why would I be jealous of him? He’s just being helpful that’s all. I’m right ain’t I? ‘Sides, I’ve got no hold on you. You’re free to see any man you wish.” I bit my tongue and waited for the explosion to go off.

She stood up and stamped her foot. “I can, can I? You have a lot of nerve to sit there and tell me I can see other men when you know that I’m only interested in one man and that’s you, Jess Harper.” She stormed out of my room sobbing softly.

Damn! I was sure I had blown it this time. I was my own worst enemy. I was unwittingly becoming an expert at ticking her off. I don’t have to worry about losing her to Nathan I’m driving her toward him by my own stupidity. I would’ve gotten up and run after her but I hadn’t been able to do much running lately.

I got up and walked to the kitchen hoping to find Mrs. Owen and something to eat. I figured eating something would be a good way to get rid of my frustration. I was in luck. Martha Owen was there and preparing a tray of food.

“Is that for me Mrs. Owen?”

She jumped when I spoke. “Oh, you startled me Jess. You go sit down at the table and I’ll bring your lunch to you.

“Yes ma’am, thank you.”

She spooned some stew into a bowl and sat it down in front of me. “Jess, did I see Cheryl rushing out of your room just now?”

I had a mouthful of food so I just nodded my head.

“I think she was upset. What did you two argue over this time? You can tell an old woman it’s none of her business if you want. I just don’t understand how two people as much in love with each other as you two can argue so much.”

I jammed a forkful of stew meat into my mouth quick to keep from answering her and almost choked on it. Then I took my time chewing on it while I thought about how to answer her. “I guess I’m just naturally cantankerous, Mrs. Owen. I always come up with the wrong answers to her questions. But, she keeps trying to corner me and I get real defensive when she does. I don’t know why I can’t just give her a straight answer.”

“You love her, don’t you?”

“You know I do, but do I have the right to love her?” I angrily stabbed a chunk of potato with my fork and jammed it into my mouth.

She came to the table and sat in a chair beside me. “Only you can answer that question. What’s holding you back, Jess?”

I sighed in frustration. “I guess I need time, ma’am, my heart’s tellin’ me one thing and my head is tellin’ me to wait. We barely know each other. I want her to be sure she loves me and that she understands what life with me would be like.”

“You poor boy, life’s been so cruel to you lately that I don’t blame you for taking your time. Cheryl should realize that. Give her time. I’m sure she’ll understand.” She gave my shoulder a squeeze and went back into the kitchen.

I thought about what she had said. That’s what I’ve been trying to get Cheryl to realize. Time was what I needed. Slim’s news this morning made me realize that maybe we would soon have lots of time to sort out our feelings for each other.

I finished my lunch and decided to take a stroll out to the backyard. I walked out to the bench under the tree and sat down. It was great to look out at the world without bars to mar my view. If all went as Slim had promised, I wouldn’t have to go back to jail again… At least not until the next time I got into trouble.

Later that afternoon, Slim and Judge Rawlins came by while I was sitting in the shade of my favorite tree. The judge reassured me that I had nothing to worry about and promised that I’d be a free man by Friday afternoon. He explained that the trial was just a formality and it was the only way to clear my name and remove my prison sentence from the records. After explaining that he was going to help Judge Rawlins put my case together for my trial Slim left with the judge. He said he’d come back to see me the next day.

Two more days and I would be a free man… Those words were like music to my ears. I wanted to go tell Cheryl but I thought better of it. I didn’t think I could walk that far on my own and I decided it could wait until she joined me for dinner. If… she does.

She arrived on time and we had a quite meal alone outside at the picnic table. I had taken a strong liking to eating outdoors after being cooped up so long either in a bed or in jail.

Several large candles adorned the table; their warm glow made flickering shadows across Cheryl’s radiantly beautiful face. We had just finished eating and the quiet of the night was deafening in its silence. We had said little during our meal. Cheryl was unusually silent and pensive.

I cleaned up the last morsel of food on my plate, shoved it aside and reached across the table for Cheryl’s hand. “You’ve been awfully quiet this evening. Is there something you want to say to me?”

She squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes. I could have sworn I saw a tear there. “No, I’m just a little tired this evening.” She slapped my hand teasingly. “So, tell me, what is it you want to tell me. You look like you’re busting at the seams to let it out.”

I grinned at her relieved to see the laughter return to her eyes. “I have great news.”

She pulled my hand closer to hers and said, “By the look on your face I can guess that it’s something grand… so tell me.”

“My retrial has been scheduled for this Friday and it’s going to be held here in the Boulder Courthouse. Slim and Judge Rawlins say that by the time the hearing is over, I’ll be a free man.”

She jumped up from the table, ran around the end and sat down on the bench beside me. “Oh, Jess, that is wonderful news. I’m so happy for you.” Then she hugged me and kissed me.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and gave her a long passionate kiss. She rested her head on my shoulder and we sat holding each other for several minutes.

She lifted her head and looked at me. “Jess, would you like to go on a picnic tomorrow? I’ve already asked Doc Owen if it would be all right and he said it would be good for you. I can pack a lunch and we can go in my buggy.” She became quiet again and waited for my answer.

“Sure, I would, that sounds like a wonderful idea. What time do you plan to come by?”

“I’ll be here around 11:30 a.m. The place I have in mind is about a half-hour’s drive from here. Is that alright with you?”

“Sure.”

“It’s settled then. If I’m going to make lunch, I suppose I should go home and prepare it. See you tomorrow.” She kissed me on the cheek, stood up and left before I could answer her. I watched her retreating back, admiring her hourglass figure and the back and forth sway of her ample hips as she walked away.

I went to bed early feeling more optimistic than I had in weeks.

GUILTY

CHAPTER 30

It was Thursday, and one day away from my trial. I went out to the backyard to wait for Cheryl to arrive. I felt like a new man. I sat down under my favorite tree to wait for her.

Cheryl was all smiles as she drove up. She nimbly hopped down from the buggy, ran up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. “Are you ready to go, darling?”

“I sure am.” We walked arm in arm to the buggy and I slowly climbed into it while she practically bounded into it like a cat.

She gave me a big smile and clucked to the horse. “Giddup Buster.” And off we went.

We rode along for several minutes in silence. “You sure are quiet this morning. Anything you want to tell me, Cheryl?”

She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “Nothing special I’m just thinking how nice it is to be with you and have you all to myself.”

We rode along without another word. The clip clop of the horse’s hooves was the only sound breaking the silence as it trotted down the faint trail to our destination.

Arriving at the stream Cheryl jumped down, grabbed a blanket and the picnic basket and headed for a shady spot near the stream. I eased myself slow like to the ground and walked over to her. She smiled up at me and I saw that her eyes were filled with tears. Is that tears of happiness I see there? I sank down on the blanket beside her, reached out, cupped her face in my hand. I caressed her cheek with my thumb.

“Cheryl honey, what’s the matter. Why are you crying?”

She leaned toward me and wrapped her arms around me; laying her head on my shoulder. “Oh, Jess, I had it all figured out. I wanted this picnic to be perfect for you but my heart is aching too much. I have something I need to say to you and I’d better do it before I lose my nerve.”

Here it comes. She’s about to tell me that she’s going to marry Nathan, I’ll bet. Harper you blew it by letting your head and not your heart guide you. Maybe it’s not too late.

I gently removed her arms from around me and eased her back so that I could look into her eyes. “Cheryl, I want you to know that I love you very much. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to say this before. I’ve waited to tell you because I wanted you to be sure of how you felt about me. I’ve loved you from the very first moment I laid eyes on you. Even then, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” I took her hands in mine. Cheryl Reynolds will you marry me?”

She laid her head on my shoulder again and started to cry even harder. “Oh, Jess. Hold me tight, please. I love you so much and I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you too.”

I put my arms around her and held her close. “Then why are you crying so hard? I thought that’s what you wanted me to say.” I’ll never understand women.

She sat up again and wiped the tears from her eyes with a handkerchief. “Silly man, I’ve known all along that you loved me and now to hear you say so only makes it harder for me to tell you what I have to say.”

“What is it Cheryl, now you’ve got me worried… It’s about Nathan isn’t it? He’s proposed to you and you’ve accepted.”

“No, Jess, that’s not it at all I’m not marrying anyone. I brought you here to tell you that I’m leaving Boulder tomorrow…

“But, you… I was panicking.

She put a finger to my lips to silence me. “Don’t worry I’ll be there to testify at your trial and then I’ll be leaving on the afternoon train for Boston.”

I was dumbfounded and couldn’t believe my ears. “But Cheryl, I thought you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You just said you did. So why are you leaving?”

“Jess, it’s so very complicated and I’m not sure I understand it myself. All I know is that I have to leave Boulder and you.”

I grabbed both her arms and pleaded with her. I couldn’t believe I had heard her right. “You’re not making any sense. Is it something I’ve done? Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind?”

“In part it is your fault but not in a bad way. It was foolish of me to insist that you tell me that you loved me, especially when I knew in my heart that you did.”

A tear trickled down to her chin and she paused to catch it with her handkerchief.

“Each time I ran off in tears I found myself with Nathan and seeking comfort in his company. He’s been very understanding and a good friend. Did you know he loves me and wants to marry me? He’s asked me to marry him on several occasions.”

That was not something I wanted to hear. “I gathered he loved you but I didn’t know he had asked you to marry him. But what has that got to do with your leaving Boulder and me?”

“It has everything to do with you, Jess. You see…” She took a deep breath.

“I love Nathan almost as much as I love you and it’s confusing to me.”

She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. “You were right to keep a tight rein on your feelings. If you hadn’t I wouldn’t have sought out Nathan and realized that I didn’t love you as much as I thought I did. Now I know I’m not ready for the kind of commitment true love demands. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of you.”

“If you think you’re confused then I’m even more confused.” Actually, I understood but it didn’t help the aching in my heart. “What are you going to do in Boston?”

“I decided to enroll in school there and study medicine. Doc Owen helped me pick the school and he’s certain I’ll be accepted with the recommendation he’s writing for me.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes with her kerchief. “I’m so sorry I’ve misled you. I really do love you immensely but it’s just not enough. You deserve more than I can give you right now and it’s tearing me apart. If I don’t do this now I know I’ll end up hurting you and I can’t let myself do that to you.” She leaned against me and hid her face on my shoulder sobbing softly.

I stroked her golden hair and tried to comfort her. My heart was breaking. “Cheryl honey all I want is for you to be happy. I would never try to keep you from leaving. I appreciate your honesty and I think I understand what you’re trying to tell me but it doesn’t make it any easier for me.” Actually, I was confused as hell but I couldn’t stand to hear her cry.

She sat up, wiped the last tear from her cheek and smiled. “I’m so glad you understand. I’ll always love you and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. Maybe someday I’ll be able to sort out my feelings and we can try again.”

I pushed back a stray wisp of her hair and caressed her cheek. “Don’t make promises that you can’t keep. When you leave here, I don’t want you to ever look back and wonder what could have been.”

I placed both hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. “Your whole life is ahead of you and you can’t lead it based on ‘what ifs’. Live it to the fullest. What we’ve had has been very special to me. I’ll never forget you.” My heart was breaking with every word I uttered but I knew I had to let her go.

She smiled at me wistfully. “You are way too wise for your own good, Jess Harper. This is not the reaction that I had expected from you. Thank you so much for being so understanding. You certainly aren’t making it easy for me to leave you.”

I grinned lopsidedly and shrugged my shoulders. “What can I say, I’m a fool for letting you off the hook this easy but I’m doing it because I love you. I’m sure going to miss you.”

She leaned toward me and we kissed and embraced. Then I pulled away from her and stood up.

She stretched her arms out to me indicating she wanted help to stand. “Let’s go for a walk and pretend we have forever to be together if just for a little while.” Her eyes brimmed with tears again and she wiped them away.

We walked together with our arms around each other like two lovers who had no tomorrows until the sun began to set on the horizon; its golden orb settling between the two mountains in the west. She drove us back home and I sat next to her gazing at her beautiful face while trying to paint an everlasting picture of her in my mind. She had said I was too wise for my own good but it was she who was wise beyond her tender years.

We arrived at Doc’s office just at sunset and we kissed lingeringly one last time. I climbed down from the buggy and without looking back I entered. As I closed the front door behind me, I heard her drive away. I was in no mood for company so I went straight to my room and closed the door. I sank down on the bed exhausted both emotionally and physically. I don’t know how long I lay on the bed thinking of what she had told me. My arms ached to hold her again. I couldn’t imagine life without her and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Without her, the outcome of my trial tomorrow didn’t matter to me anymore. I felt like I was dying inside. I lay on the bed trying to figure out what I could’ve done to make things different until I realized that our love was doomed from the start. Maybe, if her father had let us be… we would’ve had a chance. With that thought tearing at my heart I rolled over and fell into a troubled sleep.

GUILTY

CHAPTER 31

I didn’t wake until the sun rising above the horizon shone its bright rays on my face. I opened my eyes and for a moment, I couldn’t remember where I was. While I had slept, I dreamt that I was home at the Sherman Ranch and lying in my own bed. The trial was over and I had been found not guilty. Slim had brought me home and Jonsey had immediately ordered me to bed. I was so glad to be home I didn’t argue with him.

When I woke, I couldn’t shake the dream and it felt like I was home. Then reality took over and I remembered where I was. Today was the day I’d been waiting for with apprehension and anticipation. I hope my dream comes true. I don’t think I can take another setback in my life right now. The vision of Cheryl’s face when we had said good-bye flickered before my eyes. My heart ached for her and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to push all thoughts of her out of my mind, at least for now, anyway. I needed to concentrate on what was happening today and get through my trial a free man.

I sat up and looked down at myself. I had fallen asleep fully clothed including my boots. I was a rumpled mess, which wasn’t anything new for me. I can’t go to court looking like this. I wonder if there’s an old shirt in that closet that will fit me. I walked over to the closet and looked inside. The only thing hanging on the rod was a shirt just like the one I was wearing except it was new. I smiled and thought of Cheryl. She must have had it brought over while we were on our picnic ride.

I went to the washstand, looked in the mirror and rubbed the stubble on my chin. I needed a shave too. I washed up shaved and put on the new shirt. It took me about a half an hour to clean up and by the position of the sun; it looked like I had about another hour before the rest of the household got up. I decided to go for a walk.

“Hey, Jess wait up.” Slim’s familiar voice behind me stopped me in my tracks as I headed down Main Street.

I turned around and waited for him to catch up. “Hey, Slim, what’re you doing up so early?”

“I could ask you the same thing. Aren’t you afraid of being too worn out when it’s time to go before the judge?” He stepped along beside me and I set out again at my usual snail’s pace walk. Slim struggled to match my stride with those long legs of his.

“I wasn’t planning on going very far. I’m just trying to pass the time until my trial starts. You did say it starts at nine didn’t ya?”

“That’s right. I was heading over to the Doc’s to wake ya and see if you wanted to come have breakfast at Mary’s café with me. I figured I’d come early and wake ya so you could get cleaned up before we go.” He looked at my new shirt, grabbed my chin, surveyed my freshly shaved face and smiled. “It looks like you beat me to it.”

I pulled his hand off my chin and grinned halfheartedly. “Breakfast sounds good. I didn’t have any dinner last night and lunch was sorta forgotten. Now that you mention it, I’m downright starving. Let’s go.”

We went to the café and ordered steak and eggs. As we ate, Slim kept looking at me kinda funny. “What?” His stares had begun to annoy me and I glared at him.

“What happened on that picnic with Cheryl yesterday? That long face you’re wearing this morning makes me think that you two had another fight. ”

“It’s none of your business.” I cut a off a chunk of steak and popped into my mouth chewing it slowly. Damn him and his perceptive self; I can’t keep anything from him.

He pointed his fork at me. “It is my business and your business if she’s so mad at you she doesn’t show up to testify for you at your trial this morning.”

“Trust me Slim, she’s not mad at me and she will be there to testify.”

He wiped his face with his napkin and threw it on the table. “Then if you two didn’t have a fight and she’s not mad at you why’re you looking like you’ve just lost your best friend?”

“I told you it’s none of your business.” I stood up, glared at him and then turned to leave.

All my pent up emotions came boiling to the surface and hit me in the pit of my stomach. I sat back down, put my elbows on the table and rested my head in the palms of my hands.

“I’m sorry Slim; I can’t talk about it now. It hurts too much. I’ll tell ya later. You’ll be able to figure it out for yourself this afternoon anyway.”

He patted my arm. “Okay Jess, I’ll drop it. I’m sorry. Whatever it is, it’s sure got you shook up.”

I raked my fingers back and forth through my hair trying to make it behave. I looked questioningly at him. “So what are we waiting for now? We’ve eaten breakfast and it’s only 8:30. My trial doesn’t start for another half hour.”

“Actually, we’re waiting for Judge Rawlins and Mort to show up. The judge wants to talk to you and Mort about your testimonies and make sure you do nothing but answer the questions he asks you. He already talked to Cheryl last night.”

“When did Mort get here? Why didn’t you tell me he’s here?”

“I’m tellin’ you now. He arrived last night on the last train from Cheyenne. We went straight to the Doc’s house to see you but you were out like a light.”

“Sorry, I guess I’m a little nervous this morning what with the trial and all I’m not as positive as you are that things are going to turn out as well as you think it is.”

Slim leaned back, shoved his thumbs in his gun belt, and looked me over. “I’d say you’re more than just a little nervous. It’s understandable but according to Judge Rawlins, you don’t have a thing to worry about.”

Mort and Judge Rawlins arrived at that moment, sparing me more sage observations from Slim. The judge explained that my trial was just a formality. Then he said that he had told Judge Collins that I wanted to waive my right to a jury trial. He said we were going to leave the decision of my fate in the hands of the Federal Judge instead of a jury made up of citizens of Boulder. He reassured me that it was safer that way and would be over quicker too.

I frowned and looked closely at the judge. “Judge Rawlins, is it wise to leave my fate in the hands of one man? What if he has something against me or doesn’t like ex gunslingers? Can we trust him?”

Judge Rawlins laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Jess, I’ve known Judge Collins for a long time and I don’t know a fairer man to preside over a court. He was genuinely concerned for you when he heard what you’d been put through by Rafe Connors’ treachery. He’s the one that suggested we waive your right to a jury trial. I truly believe we can trust him.”

Mort spoke up. “I’ve heard he’s a fair judge and a good man, Jess. I agree with Judge Rawlins. I think he’ll do right by you.”

The judge added, “Considering the fact that some of the townspeople still blame you for Gabe Reynolds’ death, it’s the smart thing to do. I can’t believe they made Sheriff Mason put you back in jail.”

I nodded in acceptance and took a shuddering breath. “Well, neither could I. But, I survived. I hope I never see the inside of a jail cell ever again.”

The judge pulled out his pocket watch and checked the time. “Well, Jess boy, it’s time. Are you ready for this?”

“I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” My stomach felt like it was beginning to tie itself up in knots and I swallowed hard and tried to relax. I stood up and we headed for the door. My heart began to pound and an unfamiliar feeling of fear pressed in on me. I shook it off and took a deep breath.

Slim stepped alongside of me and put an arm across my shoulders and gave me a reassuring squeeze. “Jess, try and relax. You’re so tense you look like you’re guilty of something. You’ll make it through this just fine. You’ll see.”

“I wish I had your faith. It’s my future we’re talking about here and this mess ain’t over until the judge says I’m a free man.” Following his suggestion, I took another deep breath and tried to relax. It helped some and my heartbeat slowed but the knot in the pit of my stomach remained.

Sheriff Mason met us outside the café. He was leaning on the hitching rail as though he had been waiting for a while. When he saw me, he stood up and held out a set of handcuffs motioning for me to hold out my wrists.

I looked at Judge Rawlins and he nodded his head. “Sorry, Jess, but it’s for Judge Collins and the townspeople’s benefit. He doesn’t know that I’ve let you run loose the last couple of days. Sheriff Mason will remove them once you’re settled in the courtroom.”

I held out my wrists and the sheriff locked the cuffs onto them. Then he took me by the elbow and led me toward the courthouse with my friends following behind.

When we arrived, I was surprised to see a lot of people standing outside. A few looked very angry. Two sheriff’s deputies stood guard at front of the door. Inside, the courtroom was packed with spectators. I looked around and saw mostly friendly faces and some that weren’t. They made me feel uneasy. Sheriff Mason removed my cuffs and we all sat down.

Judge Collins introduced himself, called the court to order and asked the prosecutor to present his case. The judge was a lot younger than Judge Rawlins and he sat tall and straight behind the bench.

The prosecutor stood up. He had a stack of official looking papers in his hand. “Your honor, I have reviewed all the new evidence presented to me in this case and I have no other choice but to drop all charges against Mr. Harper and have them stricken from his record.”

The prosecutor looked at some papers on his desk and then continued. “In light of my findings I request that the court overturn Mr. Harper’s conviction and subsequent sentence and strike them from his record also.” He handed the papers with his findings to Judge Collins.

The prosecutor turned toward me and smiled. He walked over to me and shook my hand. “Mr. Harper I want to extend my deepest apologies for the trouble this court and town has caused you.”

I nodded my thanks and smiled. I was almost speechless. “Does this mean I’m free?”

The courtroom began to buzz with the voices of the spectators. Some clapped and cheered and others protested.

The judge banged his gavel on the bench and called the court to order.

He gave me a stern look. “Jess Harper, please stand before the court while I pronounce my findings.”

I swallowed hard. He didn’t look too friendly and the knot in my stomach tightened more. My heart started to pound again. I squared my shoulders standing as tall and straight as I could.

Judge Collins’ stern face spread into a broad smile. “Mr. Harper by the authority vested in me by the Territory of Colorado I find you not guilty on all charges. Your conviction and sentence are hereby reversed. You are free to pursue your life and dreams to their fullest.” He banged his gavel twice on his bench. “Court’s dismissed.”

I was dumbfounded. I swallowed and finally found my voice. “You mean it’s over and I’m free? That’s all there is to it?”

Judge Collins smiled even bigger. “There are a few papers for you to sign and paperwork to be sent off to Leavenworth. Yes, I meant it when I said you are a free man.”

“Thank you so much, Judge Collins.” Slim grabbed my hand and started shaking it and grinning from ear to ear.

“Slim, did ya hear? I’m free! We can go home now.” I was so excited that I continued to pump Slim’s hand up and down until he laid his left hand on top to stop me.

Slim gave me a bear hug and slapped me on the back. “Congratulations Jess. Your ordeal is finally over.”

I looked around for Cheryl but she wasn’t in the courtroom. I realized that she hadn’t come in at all. Suddenly a lot of well-wishers wanting to shake my hand and offer their congratulations surrounded me. Slim put a protective arm across my shoulders and guided me toward the exit. Mort and Sheriff Mason drove a wedge through the crowd as we headed for the street. Doc Owen drove up in his buggy and motioned for Slim and me to get in.

Slim helped me up and then turned to Mort. “Mort, will you and Sheriff Mason bring Judges Rawlins and Collins down to the Doc’s house? We’re going to have a celebration.”

“Sure, Slim, we’ll see you there in a few minutes.” Mort walked back into the courtroom followed by Sheriff Mason.

With the preparations for my retrial, we had forgotten about U.S. Marshal Branch McGary. He showed up with the Tumbleweed wagon just as I climbed into Doc’s buggy. We were surprised to see him and I asked him why he was two days late.

“Judge Collins ordered me to delay my arrival in Boulder until today. By the look on everyone’s faces, I gather that your retrial went well, Jess. Congratulations, my boy.”

He gathered up his reins and clucked to his horses. “Well, I’ll be leaving shortly; I’m expected to pick up another prisoner in a little town near here. See ya around, Jess.”

“McGary, why don’t you light a while and join us in the celebrating?” I asked hopefully.

He smiled broadly and nodded his head. “I’d be glad to; I thought you’d never ask.”

We all laughed and Mac clucked to his team again. “Just lead the way.”

We arrived at Doc’s office and went inside to his parlor. I headed for the nearest chair and collapsed in it. My head was spinning. The trial was over so quick that I wasn’t sure I wasn’t dreaming again. I couldn’t believe that it was over and I was finally a free man.

Judge Rawlins walked in followed by Judge Collins and Mac. Judge Rawlins walked up to me and patted me on the shoulder. “Congratulations Jess, you are now officially a free man.”

“It was over so fast my head is still spinnin’. Why all the talk about testimonies and evidence, Judge Rawlins? Why didn’t you tell me it was going to be over so fast?”

“I’m sorry Jess, but I didn’t know for sure. The prosecutor had been out of town since your trial and had just returned last night. Sheriff Mason and I went over the evidence with him and he said he’d study it and make a decision this morning before court convened. I had hoped he would drop the charges but I wanted to be prepared to present a defense if he insisted in proceeding with a full trial.”

Judge Collins sat in a chair across from me and looked at me intently. “I hope you realize, son, just how lucky you are to have so many friends pulling for you. I am truly impressed with the lengths they have gone to see justice done. Congratulations my boy. I’m glad I was able to contribute a small part in your exoneration. I’m going to personally see to it that your slate is wiped clean.”

I reached out and shook his hand. “Thank you, Judge Collins. That means a lot to me.”

My throat constricted with emotion and I had to swallow hard to control my voice. “I want to thank you all for your faith in me and for all your help. I couldn’t have survived a day of these past two weeks without all your support. If ya’ll don’t mind I’m feeling kinda tired all of a sudden. I think I’ll go lie down for a while. I’ll join the party a little later.”

Slim and Mort came over to me followed by Doc Owen. “What’s wrong Jess? Are you all right?” Doc Owen put a hand to my forehead.

“I’m fine. Too much has happened and too quick. It’s more than I can digest all at once. I was expecting the worst and to have it all over so fast has left me drained. I’ll be okay after I rest awhile and have a little time to myself sort it all out.”

I went to my room and stretched full length on my bed. I hadn’t lied to them. I was a little unnerved but I was also feeling disappointed. I had hoped to see Cheryl one last time when she testified for me. I couldn’t believe she didn’t come to the courtroom this morning. We had said our goodbyes last night and I suppose I’d have to settle for that.

A gentle knocking on my door broke into my thoughts. “Come in.”

I sat up when Mrs. Owen stepped into my room and handed me a note. “Cheryl stopped by this morning and left this note for you. She asked me to give it to you after your trial was over. She told me she was leaving. I’m sorry Jess; I know how much she means to you.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Owen.” I gingerly took the note from her hand. The faint scent of lilac reminded me of her beautiful face and perfectly shaped body.

She left my room and I lay back down again. With trembling fingers, I slowly opened the folded pages and began to read…

Dearest Jess,

By now, your trial is over and I will be well on my way to Boston. I am convinced that you will be set free. The prosecutor came by to see me last night and asked me questions about what happened that day up in that old miner’s shack.. When I finished he asked me to write it all down on paper and sign it. He told me that with my deposition and the one he had obtained from Sheriff Cory there would be no need for me to testify because there would be no trial. He told me he was going to drop all charges against you and ask the judge to set you free.

There is a train leaving for Denver this morning and I have switched my tickets and will be leaving about the time that court convenes. I‘ve decided this was the best thing for the both of us. I know I would only cry if I saw you again and it would only confuse and hurt you even more.

I am so happy for you Jess. I hope that some day you can put all that’s happened behind you. When I started this letter, I had planned to ask you to forget me. Nevertheless, I do want you to remember me and the special time we had together. I know I will because you are my first love. My mother taught me that last night as I cried myself to sleep in her arms. Mother explained to me that a first love is very special and that I should keep its memory with me forever. I will Jess; I’ll never forget you. Thank you for opening up a completely new world to me.

I wasn’t very truthful when I told you I loved Nathan almost as much as I do you. The truth is, I felt myself falling in love with him and at the same time, I was falling even more in love with you. That’s when I realized that I had to let you both go. I could never love him as much as I love you and I doubt that I’ll ever be able to love anyone as much as I love you now. Because I found myself falling in love with Nathan also is why I have to leave. That is my dilemma and my curse. I know if I stay, one day I would hurt you badly, even more than I have today.

Be happy for me Jess. I know you’ll find happiness someday. There’s bound to be a very lucky woman somewhere soon in your future that is more deserving of your love than I and especially one that will love you and only you. I wish that for you with all my heart and I wish you all the happiness the world has to offer.

With all my love, Cheryl

My eyes began to sting with tears as I read her letter. I folded it with care and put it in my pocket over my heart. She was right, I was very confused and my heart was breaking. At the same time, I realized that she had made the right decision. My heart ached to be with her and hold her in my arms just once more. I knew I had to let her go. I touched the pocket with her letter in it. “Goodbye, Cheryl, I’ll keep our time together close to my heart forever too.”

GUILTY

EPILOGUE

I had been home for three weeks. I had insisted that Slim and I leave for home on the train the following Wednesday after my retrial. Slim had balked at the idea saying that I wasn’t well enough to travel. Doctor Owen agreed with him, but I told them both that I’d had enough recuperatin’ and it was time for me to go home. I argued that all I needed was some of Jonesy’s good cookin’ and nursin’ and I’d be good as new in no time. It was a long train ride and a long uncomfortable stage ride from Cheyenne to Laramie. Slim threatened to haul me off the stage when he saw how uncomfortable I was from the bouncing and swaying coach. I couldn’t hide the grimaces I made caused by every jolt of the coach when it ran over rut after rut. But, I insisted that I would be all right and that I all I wanted was to be home and in my own bed. By the time we arrived at the ranch I felt like my insides had been turned to mush. I was so exhausted Slim practically had to carry me into the house. Jonesy took one look at me and ordered me to bed. He gave Slim hell for bringing me home in such bad shape and I got a tongue-lashing for making him do it. I just smiled and told Jonesy that I was happy to see him too

During the past three weeks, I had gained back half of the weight that I’d lost, thanks to Jonesy’s cooking, and I was growing stronger every day. I still tired easy but Doctor Long said that with time my endurance would return to normal. Some things that had happened to me in Boulder are still hazy but I’ve learned to live with it.

As Doc Owen had told me before I left, “Jess, some of the things that happened to you just aren’t worth remembering.” I’ve accepted that and have put that part of my life behind me. Everything but the time I had spent with Cheryl. I didn’t believe I would ever get over her. My heart ached every time I thought of her

It was early summer and I had been chopping wood for the cook stove for most of the morning. I usually found it relaxing to drive the heavy axe into the wood and watch the logs split into perfect sized pieces for a cook fire. It was also a great way to get rid of my frustrations when things weren’t going well for me. Today I was feeling particularly frustrated. The cause of my bad mood rested folded in my right shirt pocket.

A letter from Cheryl had arrived for me on the morning stage. Mose teased me about it smelling like lilac water. When I saw who it was from, I eagerly tore open the envelope anxious to read what Cheryl had to say. In the back of my mind, I had hoped that she was writing to tell me that she had changed her mind about school and was coming to Laramie to marry me.

When I read her letter, I couldn’t believe what it said…

Dearest Jess,

I have the most wonderful news. I have been accepted into the medical school here in Boston. The classes are hard and studying is taking up almost all of my time. In spite of all the studying I have to do, I’ve made it a point to take the time to socialize with my fellow students.

Jess, I had no idea when I enrolled here that I would be one of only three girls in a school of 150 students. I’m surrounded by men. If I accepted all the invitations that I‘ve received to dinner and picnics since I arrived here I would never have time to study. I’m having a wonderful time and I’m learning a lot about medicine too.

Even though I miss you terribly and I think of you every day, I realize more than ever that I made the right decision in coming here. I’ll never forget the time we had together and at times, I wish it could have been different for us. I know now that I would have only hurt you more than I already have if I had stayed with you.

Be happy for me Jess for I’m very happy here and where I want to be at this time in my life.

Your ever loving, Cheryl

That’s when I picked up the axe and started flailing away at the firewood. Slim rode up while I was still taking my frustration out on the wood.

“Hey, Pard, take it easy on the wood. You need to save some big chunks for the fireplace too.”

I looked up and glared at him daring him to say another word.

He ignored me. “What’s got you so riled this morning?”

“Wimmen… End of subject.” I picked up an armload of kindling and stomped into the house leaving a dumbfounded Slim bewilderedly scratching his head as he sat astride Alamo.

The End

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