A New Beginning 2

 

Saturday March 12, 2004

2:00 am

 

I’m not entirely sure just what I should really be writing about this morning. There hasn’t been any major change take place in my life since my last entry. The biggest and most important change has been that I am breaking out of my shell of isolation at least in reference to spending more time with my family. I really was expecting a bit much from Della to bring Savannah and Jason to see me when she doesn’t even have a car. I have a hard enough time taking myself to look for a job at times knowing that I’ll have to take the bus. I don’t really blame her for telling me that it’s easier for me to get on a bus to come see them than for her to pack two children around with her the same way. I have been averaging going to spend time with them at least once a week and baby sitting for Della by taking one or both of the little ones for at least twenty-four hours or more per week.

 

I have been getting out a lot more over the last couple of weeks to look for a job. I’m not having any truly good fortune with it just yet. Not having a phone isn’t helping the matter at all. To add insult to injury after the unemployment office telling me I qualified for benefits now they can’t make up their minds if I do or not. I really need to apply for food stamps, go back to the unemployment office and find out what the Hell they’re going to do and in the meantime keep looking for a job. I’m really getting sick of the way this system is geared toward hiring people with a phone and making people without one homeless. I’m getting really pissed!

 

I’m not going to ever have any good fortune making a lover out of any body without having a job. It’s difficult enough with the HIV factor alone, add aging into trollhood and unemployment on top of it; that doesn’t make for an especially good mix in the minds of most people. I’m trying not to be so concerned about being in a relationship with someone, but I do get lonely. It’s true I don’t get as lonely as I would without Walda and Maria, but I still can’t help but crave the kind of companionship that an appropriate human lover in my life would bring. I’m not really sure that someone like that exists in this city for me, but I can’t stop hoping and praying someone especially right for me will pop up.

 

I did see Dustin yesterday at the Frankfort and Clifton bus stop. I wish now that I had stopped and spoke to him. Even if he and Ms. Thing are still together I could have at least managed to get him in my apartment for a little shower activity. Who knows, if they’re having troubles in the midst of their confusing relationship I may have been able to persuade Dustin to dump Ms. Thing and give me a shot. I can’t imagine he would have been this way to see Mr. More strait than gay.  I saw him at the park one day last week and he must have talked for at least thirty minutes about absolutely nothing but his work and riding his bike in the evening and on the weekends. He’s even more boring now than he was when we were together. God I’m so glad he’s not with me anymore. That’s more than enough about him.

 

That’s it till next time.