Thoughts from the Crypt 6

Sunday 4 13 02

3:06 P.M.

I don't really have a lot of anything good to report. Will told me a little over a week ago that if he finds out that he's H.I.V.-, he will have to decide whether or not to stay or go. It wasn't an issue when we met, but it has become one in recent months. Since he did not tell me that he wouldn't stay with me if he was HIV I thought maybe if he found out at some point that he is, he might stay with me anyway. Although I knew he had put his whole heart into trusting me not to ever shoot up his ass or in his mouth without a condom; last Sunday night I shot up his ass not wearing one. I betrayed his trust and I hate that I did. I felt desperate to keep him. I love him and don't want to lose him. He knew what II had done right away. I didn't expect that he would; but he did. He asked me if I had and I tried to lie my way out of it. He made me come clean about it; because he knew I had anyway. He said he was able to feel it happening when it did. When I told him why I had done it, he told me that even if he found out that he is positive , He would still have to decide to stay or go. I assume because it would have been me who gave it to him. Hearing him say that, I really didn't know what to do.

When I left out for work Tuesday morning I told him, I held him tightly, kissed him several times and told him that I love him. He didn't return it with an, I love you to. He was still very upset with me and he probably still is. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I lose him forever some time soon.

He did call and leave me a message telling me to have everyone at church to pray for him and for me to pray for him also. I couldn't make out exactly what it was that he said before he hung up the phone. It was either "when I get back I'm going to show you how much I love you," or it was; I just wanted to call and tell you I love you; I think it was the latter.

I found out by accident, a day after he left, that he had disabled me from getting into my hot mail. Not to mention that he did the same thing with everything that could get into it. He also disenabled me from Surf best. I did however get established again through AOL and MSN. AOL is free for four months and MSN is about 21.00 a month. So although I don't have access to my hot mail because I can't figure out what he used as the pass word to enable me to get into it; he wasn't able to prevent me from having internet access.

I was very angry about all of that, but I understand why he did it. He needed some means of retaliation. I can understand why. He could have done something much more destructive that what he did; the way he sounded on the phone; I think he might have actually been fearful that I would leave him. I won't of course; he'd have to do something far worse than disable the Internet and hot mail. I guess he thought I would not understand of his need to lash out at me in some way. He underestimates me; I do understand completely. I went through this once years ago myself with someone else in Providence. I know exactly how he feels, although I was willing to be with Kenny still even after he did what he did to me. I just hope he is able to still love me enough to help make our relationship better than it was even when we first met. He seemed to want to stay together. He sounded like he was almost in tears when he left me that message. Lord and Lady please don't let me lose him. I know that I can't lie to him anymore or betray his trust in any way again He told me that if I ever do again we will be done. I swear as a solemn vow before The Lord and Lady, Will and myself that, that will not ever happen again. I have even been trying not to put so much effort into being with other guys at this time. I have been with three, but no more than that so far and Dustin has been one. Will still wants him so I didn't think that he would mind.

So long for now.

The Raven
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