Now "Savory Avery" Mr. Berea Boy" is not only calling at work; he calls at home. He has called here almost every night this week. That's not to mention that every time he's called so far this week he's been drunk. It's bad enough that calls here at all; it's even worse that he calls drunk. I don't like it; I don't like it at all. It never fails that he calls when we're trying to have some quality time together and knowing that he's on the other end of that phone line just ruins it for me. The only good thing that I get from it is when we're playing a game, I can pretend that whatever is trying to kill me is Avery, and that I'm trying to kill him before he kills me. That's my old chaotic neutral nature; you know the never having to say your sorry kind of thing.

It probably wouldn't really bother me that he's Fogy's X if those initial e-mails that he sent him had not made it so clear what his true intent is. Maybe when he's sober his intentions are honorable. I can tell in his tone of voice however that when he's drinking they aren't. That's what I'm paying attention to. I know that a man's true intentions come out more freely when intoxicated, that's not to mention his true feelings. If it was just an issue of him being lonely and picking Foggy as a friend because they have a history together and he's comfortable with him; that would be a completely different thing altogether, but I know that's not the case. I'm really not worried anymore about will leaving me for him. Foggy loves me and I know he does. I know he's with me because he wants to be with me. Foggy is not the issue here; it's not even that he talks to him, or that he's spent time with him. The issue is that after the first initial catch up period of six to eight hours of alone time, what the Hell did they need another 24 hours of

alone time for to catch up some more? Avery just wanted the chance to try and wiggle his way back into Wills life as his lover, part time boyfriend or something that would allow for him to have some demented and distorted feeling of false "property rights" in order to confuse him just enough that he might start to wonder if maybe this wasn't the better way to go right now. Fortunately, nothing that he's tried has worked so far. That in itself is encouraging to me. I should just be grateful that Foggy still knows where his home is, which is with me. I should just be taking the attitude that so long as he keeps coming home to me and not staying away for entire nights anymore, or several hours at a time like he did the first time with Avery, and he keeps coming back home to me; nothing else really matters. Other people are able to take that attitude; I don't know why it's so hard for me to. I didn't used to be like that. I wasn't like that with Pete, but I didn't love Pete the same way that I love Foggy. Pete was a true convenience relationship; Foggy is my lover; he holds my heart in his hands. I love him so much, roaming eyes and T.M.I Talk about everyone he sees and all; I love him.

I'm trying so hard to just let things go and not be bitchy. We don't do anything most of the time that would allow for us to make some new friends. You know, people that we know rather than, just those that I know, or he knows. Even that wouldn't be a bad thing if I could get to know his (like Avery) and he would allow himself to get to know mine, like Kevin, Brian, and what's his name off of Megaphone. I wouldn't mind taking a trip to Cincinnati or Indianapolis to meet some new people. I `d like for us to go somewhere farther away for a vacation for a few days like Rhode Island, Colorado, South Dakota, but he acts like he doesn't want to do anything like that with me. Hell I can't even get him to go to the Zoo here in Louisville, much less anywhere else. It's always where he wants to go. He rarely asks me what I want to and when he does we never do what I want to do. We went to Brooks one time since the picnic, when he told me about his prison history and being an X sex offender instead of going fishing or canoeing.

Aside from all of what I've mentioned so far; he's really a good man. He's not mean, jealous or possessive. I actually wish he were a little more so. I really miss the old days when someone like Wayne had come over and asked if I wanted to "get into something", I'd turned him down because Foggy would be so hurt by it. When Will came home I told him that he came over and what he said. His response was "Not if he wants to live very long." God/dess how I miss that attitude from him, wanting me to just be his and his alone, and him feeling the same about himself being only mine. Much if not all of that is my fault that he doesn't feel that anymore. I cheated, I betrayed his trust by shooting up his ass when he trusted me not to, and then tried to lie my way out of it, I colored his hair red when he trusted me to do Golden Brown. Still for the most part he treats me like Platinum as much as he's able for the degree of experience that he has in doing so. All in all he really is good to me. I know a lot of men and women would

be jump at the chance to have him for a boyfriend or a husband. I've got a good man and I'm grateful; I just wish that he would put more effort into understanding where I'm coming from with certain issues and be more forthcoming with me about the way he feels about those issues and why, especially the why.

This is "Patrick" signing off,

So long for now.