It seems that no matter what I do to make him as happy as he can be, no matter what I do that he asks of me; I just don't get back much of anything at all that I want from him in return. I don't feel that what I want is really asking so much. What is it that I want; it's very simple really. I want some one to spend more time with me than he does with his computer. I want some one who will talk to me about things that bother me and really try to help me through it instead of telling me ;I have to find a way to accept things even if I don't like it. I want some one who will be more willing to be flexible and compromising in the relationship rather than acting as if everything has to always be his way or no way. I want some one who will talk to me about me the way he talks to me about other people. Instead of always looking at others and telling me how hot they are and what he'd like to do to them; I want a lover that will do that if he wants to, but also say the same kinds of things to me about me. I want some one who will look at me with hunger in his eyes and say, "feed me Daddy"! I want a lover who will look at me and tell me he would love to tear into me and rip me a new ass hole. I want some one who will look at me and tell me that I'm beautiful to him and no one could ever replace me if they tried to. I want some one who will do special little things for me, like buy me flowers, a stuffed animal, a card, a real animal like a guinea pig, just do things like that out of no where, when I least expect it. Just to say; "Honey, I love you and you are the most special and important person in my life, and I'll always be here for you no matter what."

Occasionally Foggy does do little things to let me know he at least listens to me some times and thinks about me once in a while, not very often. The other day he went to rent some movies and got that I'd told him several times I wanted to see. That was really sweet of him and it did make me feel special. He does do things frequently to try and make me laugh, like walk up to me and ask me "Have I told you lately, that you, smell kind of funny? Often times, daily actually, he'll sneak up behind me and grab me and say, "I scared you; I scared you didn't I?" He does have his moments when he can be very sweet and even funny. Once in a Blue Moon he'll do something like get that movie, that really let's me know he thinks about me and he does love me. I just wish he'd do things like that more often. Are the things that I want from him asking so much, really; I don't know for sure some times. I don't think they are asking or wanting anything unreasonable.

Why can't he come home some time and cook me dinner and wash the dishes, after telling me that I do so much so often, that he just wants to give me a break from it all out of sheer appreciation for everything that I always do for him? Why can't he take the liberty of doing the laundry and putting it all away sometimes without me having to even ask him to help me put it away? Why can't he at least help me with the housework once a week instead of once a month if I'm lucky to get him to even do it then? The closest thing I get to him cooking for me any more is being taken out to dinner, which does at least give me a break sometimes from having to cook, but it would be far more special to me, for him to actually take the time to cook a meal for us himself, even if it's just a "helper meal". I guess all I really want is just to know not only that I'm loved, but also appreciated. He never tells me that he appreciates anything that I do for him; he cats as if he expects me to do everything that I do and not even need to feel appreciated for it all. That doesn't just hurt me; it makes me angry. It makes me feel that I'm being taken advantage of.

I met some one several weeks ago that makes feel like a king on a throne when we're together. He's a few years younger than me, but that's not an issue for him or me. When we get together he doesn't just have sex with me; he really makes love to me. He looks at me with that hungry longing in his eyes. He knows I'm H.I.V. + and he doesn't care. He lets me fuck him every time we get together without a rubber so long as I pull out before I shoot and don't shoot on hi bed spread. He kisses me deeply all of the time that we're together, just the way I like to be kissed and every time we get together we both get to fuck each other. It's not a situation where one is mostly top, most of the time, while the other is given no choice but to be the bottom the majority of the time. He's like this every time we get together. The only draw back is he's allergic to pet dander; so if I wanted to live with him at some point I'd have to give up Maria and Walda. Either that, or I'd have to be content with maintaining separate residences throughout the duration of the relationship. I would probably eventually be willing to give them up to some one that I knew would give them a loving home.

I guess it all come down to the same old question once again. Why do I stay with Foggy if I'm so dissatisfied with him? I guess I must love the boring, self centered, old fool. If I didn't I wouldn't have stayed with him as long as I have. Some times I have to ask myself; "Don't you love yourself." What about your needs and desires; what about you getting what you want from a relationship; doesn't any of that matter to you? Of course it does, but I keep telling myself; he might change over the years to come. Do I really think he will; no, not really. He goes and spends the whole night with his "X Sexual Understanding" as he calls him. They weren't really lovers he says; they simply had an understanding between them. I don't like it; I don't think it's right, but what I say or feel doesn't matter; it's what he says and wants that matters to him. The way I feel about doesn't mean anything to him. I really don't know some times why I love him. Some times I'm not really even sure if I do or not. Some times I get so fed up with the Bull Shit I get from him that I've come so close to telling him to start looking for some other place to live; because I'm sick of it all. Why haven't I done it yet; at this point the only honest answer I can give is; I love him and I hope and pray against hope and prayer that he might change. Do I really believe that he ever will; no I don't. So, why do I keep hoping and praying for some thing to happen that, I really don't believe I'll ever see; that is a question that I really don't know the answer to. I guess I'll just keep searching for that answer until I some day hopefully find it.

So long for now.