Dan billed this as an epic to the death between good (Dan) and evil (Binky the Elf), and held it live in the COD chatroom before an audience of drugged and hypnotized idiots on 3 June, 2000.  Since my uncle was unconscious for most of the proceedings, we have been forced to use the account written by COD drone Double Cheeseburger With Bacon, one of Dan's most fawning bootlickers.  Here is DCBWB's account:

It's been quite a day for all us here at COD.  The Japanese death thumb wrestling match with barbed wire and thumbtacks in a steel cage with flaming ropes got underway at noon, live in the COD chatroom.  In classic heel style, Binky began by whacking Dan with a steel chair, even before the bell had rung.  Dan cleverly shoved the chair up Binky's nose, while special guest referee DCBWB ran to ring the bell.  The two opponents then locked thumbs.  Binky used his free hand to grab Dan by the hair, and Dan responded with a kick to the groin.  Binky then began to scale the cage, dragging Dan by the hair.  At this point, Binky's weasely manager the Rev. Dick rushed into the arena, bearing a large leather-bound book.  Dan succeeded in hurling Binky back to the mat and began squeezing his thumb, almost causing the evil elf to pass out from loss of circulation.  The other special guest referee, Lacalad, handed Binky a mannekin's hand, with which he whacked Dan in the face.  DCBWB, horrified at this flagrant display of rulebreaking, immediately tore away one of the flaming ring ropes and handed it to Dan, who hit Binky in the eyes with it and temporarily blinded him.  As Dan ascended the ring ropes to execute his patented finishing manoeuvre, the Rev. Dick clambered onto the apron and attempted to clobber Dan with his large book.  Dan cleverly ducked and Lacalad, changing sides, hit the nasty Rev. with a steel chair.  The Rev. went crashing to the concrete floor, landing on his head and subsiding into unconsciousness.

Dan leapt across the ring and attempted to execute his finishing manoeuvre once again.  He missed, crashed into the steel cage, and broke his nose.  Binky then executed a forearm uppercut to Dan's groin from behind (in the manner of Chyna), and began scaling the cage.  Dan grabbed him and threw him into the flaming ropes, setting him on fire.  Binky began to execute the "drop and roll" manoeuvre, while Dan kicked him in the head.  At this point, Binky actually said he gave up; but since this was a "death only, no submission" match, the bout was ordered to continue.  Binky then said: "Look!  The Goodyear blimp!" and while everybody was looking up, gave Dan another low blow.  Lacalad ran to get a fire extinguisher to put Binky out.  He handed it to Dan, who promptly hit Binky in the face with it, breaking the elf's nose.  Dan then dragged Binky to the top of the steel cage, and dropped him onto the thumbtacks.  As Dan said: "Now that's gonna leave a mark."

The Rev. Dick, who had regained consciousness, clambered back onto the apron, and reached into his pocket for a foreign object.  Meanwhile, Lacalad began whacking Dan in the knees with the extinguisher.  The Rev. attempted to fling a mysterious green powder in Dan's eyes.  But Dan cleverly ducked--again!--and the powder went into the eyes of Binky, who was completely blinded and lashed out at the Rev., sending him crashing to the concrete floor on his head for the second time.  At this point, Dan pointed to the sky and everyone looked up again.  Taking advantage of this extremely clever diversion, Dan grabbed Binky by the thumb and began dragging him up the cage.  At this point, Binky puzzled everyone by calling for a bathroom break.  But Dan, regaining his presence of mind, threw Binky straight into the thumbtacks, flaming ropes and steel, knocking him unconscious.  It appeared that Binky was done for.

At this moment, the King/Andrews/Garland monster entered the arena, to the accompaniment of a mysterious tornado.  Lacalad, changing sides for the nth time, attempted to pick up the semi-conscious Binky and hit Dan with him, but Binky managed to roll away at the last minute.  Suddenly, the KAG monster dropped a large house on Dan!  All that could be seen were Dan's lovely ruby slippers, sticking out from under the house.  While DCBWB desperately tried to find a pulse in Dan's ankle, Binky declared that Dan was clearly dead and that he had won the match.  After some hesitation, DCBWB reluctantly raised Binky's hand, but could not choke out the words.  Lacalad helpfully declared "short stuff in the corner there" to be the winner.  The Rev., regaining consciousness, asked Binky if he could now be released from slavery, since he had been in Binky's corner for the victory.  Binky pointed out that the Rev. had not only totally failed to accomplish anything, he had also thrown powder in Binky's eyes.  He ordered him straight back to permanent bathroom slavery.  The Rev. then passed out for the third time, and lay ignored on the concrete floor for the rest of the proceedings (we should have got him some medical attention, but somehow it just didn't seem important).  KAG and Binky left the arena in triumph, Binky declaring that he was off to Disneyland.

As soon as Binky had left the arena, the front door of the house opened and Dan stumbled out, wearing a toilet seat on his head, and asking what had happened.  Apparently, the legs under the house had not belonged to him after all.  He was horrified to learn that he had been declared dead and Binky had been given the victory, especially in view of the "no reversal of decision" rule previously agreed upon.  While Lacalad pointed out that Binky was now out in the parking lot filling Dan's car with concrete, Dan declared "Binky may have won, but it was a screwjob, and I am the PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!"  He ascended the ring ropes with his eyebrow cocked to receive the adulation of the fans, before he noticed that the ring ropes were on fire and jumped off, yelling "OW! OW! OW!"

The KAG monster returned to the arena in search of some lost jewellery.  Dan grabbed him in true Beowulf style, dragged him to the top rope and leapt off, breaking his own nose for the second time.  KAG's head was now jammed in the steel cage, and his hair caught on fire.  DCBWB, becoming confused about his Wizard of Oz characters, threw water on him in the hope of melting him, but was unsuccessful.  Dan pulled KAG out and threw him at Lacalad, who put him in a pedigree and forced him to submit.  Dan, vowing that he was going to kill Binky, exited the arena to thunderous applause.

At this point, Betsy turned up and suggested that KAG could be taken to COD HQ, or maybe even be served as a tasty item at the inter-cult barbecue.  DCBWB suggested making him into kielbasas and Pope Logg Paul XXXIV immediately wheeled out his Super Meat Grinder and Kilebasa Maker 2000.  The resulting sausages were a little crunchy and bloody (but OK with ketchup), and all were enjoying them when Binky returned and took the only uneaten part of KAG (his head) and teleported away with it.  Xena reported that Binky had now reattached KAG's head to another body.

Betsy then reported feeling a little strange, and promptly went into labour.  While DCBWB threw towels in the air and tried to look like he knew what he was doing, TOS arrived and helped to deliver his new child.  A girl.  Half goat and--half elf.  Well, Betsy, WAS spending a lot of time with Binky over at the Rev. Dick's ministry last month.  She swore she made him wear 5 condoms, but he must have pricked holes in them.  Reeling from this unexpected tragedy, TOS attempted to catch the child's first words.  They were either "COD sucks" or "TROD ducks", but more likely the former.  Betsy and TOS took the child back to COD HQ to begin nursing and brainwashing, which probably cannot start a moment too soon, given the child's unfortunate paternity.

In the meantime, Don Key had arrived in the body of a crab (look, I REALLY don't understand this part of the story--it's hard enough keeping up with the COD storyline without trying to understand the Ruin/Mafia/Voodoo storyline as well) and he proposed marriage to Xena.  She accepted with Betsy's blessing, who said that couples were OK at COD, as long as they didn't get selfish and exclusive in the jell-O vat.  So Don and Xena announced their impending marriage, and everything ended up pretty much like a George Eliot novel.  Only with more thumbtacks.

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