For centuries, people have read accounts of the Anti-Christ in the Bible, and have wondered: when will he come? Who will he be?

When I first encountered Dan, and realized his astonishing, almost supernatural, gift for mind-enslavement, I was distressed. I turned to my Bible for guidance. After several days' intensive study, I was amazed to find three clear proofs that this man, Dan, is the one and only Anti-Christ prophesied in Scripture. Intrigued? You should be! Read on:

1. In I Kings chapter 12, when Jeroboam son of Nebat rebels against the worship of God, he establishes a FALSE CULT and sets up the cult image at Dan. This was the first "Cult of Dan". I believe that this cult is the "revived" Cult of Dan, and a clear fulfillment of Scripture prophecy
2. Recently, Dan claimed to have been killed by his nemesis and illegitimate child "Binky", the psychotic magic elf. He then claimed to have RISEN FROM THE DEAD out of a bubbling vat of lime jello. In promoting this fantasy, Dan is clearly taking a new step in his megalomania, and putting himself in the place of Christ. The Anti-Christ puts himself in the place of Christ. Therefore Dan is the Anti-Christ. Logic 101!
3. "The Other Story" or "TOS", who is another one of Dan's multiple personalities, has recently declared his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. In a bizarre twist, he has apparently linked his campaign to a similar campaign to elect former U.S. VP Dan Quayle as the Pope. Now, Revelation teaches us that in the end times, there will be two satanic world-leaders, one political and one spiritual. The political leader is TOS (who is simply another one of Dan's multiple personalities) and the spiritual leader is Dan Quayle. When TOS becomes president of the U.S. and Quayle becomes Pope, the reign of the Anti-Christ DAN will be established, and all the horrors of Armageddon will be unleashed upon the world.

This is all PLAINLY STATED in the Bible! Are you convinced yet???

Oh Rev. Dick, I am convinced! What can I do to stop this horror?

Okay, first the bad news. If Dan is indeed the Anti-Christ, as I believe, then there is nothing you or I can do to stop him from taking over the world. The Bible teaches that the Anti-Christ must conquer and reign until his time is fulfilled. TOS WILL become the President, Dan Quayle WILL become the Pope, and Dan will ultimately put the entire world under his thumb.

But here's the good news. We cannot stop Dan, but we can alert as many people as possible to this horror so they can avoid damnation. Here's what you must do:

Send this news to all your friends. Tell everyone you know. Stockpile food. Form local COD Resistance Associations, and vow to fight Dan to the death. DO NOT LET HIM WRITE A NUMBER ON YOUR FOREHEAD! If you follow these simple rules, you have a chance of surviving the tribulation without being eternally damned. If Dan kills you, your chances will be even better.

Oh thank you, Rev. Dick! I knew there must be something I could do!

Don't mention it. It's what I'm here for.

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