Setting out together to pick flowers, a group of British girls came to some purplish flowers, whereupon they all stopped, took out their tweezers, and began simultaneously tweezing their eyebrows. Why?

Because birds in the heather pluck together.

A black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was cruising around a corner with no headlights on, no dome light, no lights on at all. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How did the guy see the cow?

It was daytime!

A woman walking down a residential street, noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed. "Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise."

"Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked.

"Twenty-six," he replied.

A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."

The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"

The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says; "Now she knows."

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I'm sorry,” replied the bartender, “it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.”