BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY
By: Kevin Semanick
June 9, 2005
8:00am After an hour plus commute and three trains, I reward myself with a nap. My chin is popped on my hands much like Weekend at Bernie’s
8:45am Time for a break, so I go with the office’s eye candy to the breakfast place downstairs and around the corner, and it takes so long; it’s a good thing I’m in no hurry.
9:05am Now that I’ve bought it, time to eat my buttered bagel, while reading the news.
9:30am Fill out my timesheet, which after reading this is heavily lopsidedly untrue.
9:35am Try to help a coworker, but can’t answer their question, so I give up and read McSweeney’s, a humorous literary publication. I laugh out loud, whoops.
9:45am The stock market has been open long enough to see how I’m doing for the day, down $38, but I figure it’s the company’s money, since they are paying me to do everything you see here.
9:55am I stare at computer screen, while somewhat zoning in and out of napping. I dream that my boss steps up behind me, but suddenly were on the beach and I go jet skiing.
10:40am I only have two assignments the whole week, so I decide to start one of them, which is checking a spreadsheet about something for the state of North Carolina. Within five minutes, I accidentally finished the assignment.
10:45am Without much work left to do I take a break and go to the water fountain, so refreshing after so much hard work.
10:50am I read ESPN.com Page 2 Daily Quickie. Page 2 is the greatest page on the Internet for the cubicle dwelling man. I’m disappointed that the weekly article, titled “the water cooler” has yet to be posted. I guess I’ll check back later.
11:00am I start my second assignment, the state of Pennsylvania, but I don’t work too fast for fear of finishing it. I have learned to pace myself; basically I have to try not to do my work.
11:05am With the Salvador Dali exhibit in Philadelphia, I look to buy tickets, but to my dismay they’re sold out at the only times I can go. I love that one painting he has (Persistence of Memory) because it reminds me of my time here in the office.
11:10am My desk is a bit more than disorganized, but as anyone can tell, I don’t have time to clean it up, so I had to look for lost papers on my desk
11:15am I read another literary magazine, Word Riot May issue. I’ve never had the opportunity to read so much short fiction. I should be getting my masters in creative writing, while here.
11:25am Since I’m not a morning person, I’ve yet to visit my co-workers, so I finally mill about the other cubes talking to a Rutgers graduate and the eye candy
11:35am One of our bosses walks by, launching into a not-too-interesting diatribe about a Mother’s Day road trip twenty years ago. Even on a boring day like this, which is everyday, it wasn’t worth hearing.
Noon Just a typical half-hour lunch
12:45pm …more Word Riot
1:10pm …more work on Pennsylvania. I’ve always felt like the guy on Office Space. Yes, Peter, especially when he says he works only about 15 minutes all week.
1:20pm Finally Page 2 posts “The Water Cooler,” just when I was beginning to get concerned. I was thinking of calling Bristol, Connecticut to make sure everything was alright.
1:27pm Obviously, I’m starting to get bored, so I do more work on Pennsylvania. Although it looks like I will do eight minutes of work, I multitask with plenty of web browsing; thus making my work time look misleading.
1:35pm I read all the other articles posted on Page 2 and check my stocks again, with Lucent up 10%. It looks like I might be able to retire soon. Not doing work is almost as stressful as doing work.
1:39pm I email a fellow employee about a funny line in a Page 2 article about reading page 2 at work. I find humor in the fact that I too was reading Page 2 at work. It doesn’t take much to humor me.
1:45pm Somebody realizes that I have made a mistake with one of my past assignments, so I have somebody else “help me” correct my mistake. Damn these TPS reports.
1:55pm I check my stocks again. I’m somewhat obsessive compulsive, a great trait for someone who might also be addicted to gambling.
2:05pm I have been waiting for this moment all day. I print out the fiction piece from the New Yorker and take it into the bathroom.
2:25pm I check my stocks yet again and browse the web a little.
2:50pm I browse track results from the weekend, wishing I were out in the sun at the track. Northeast Divison I schools suck in the 400 meter hurdles.
3:40pm I go pee in the bathroom and get some food from the vending machine. I need sugar.
3:45pm Long day, so I stare at my screen waiting to go home.
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Copyright 2004, Kevin Semanick
Copyright 2004, Kevin Semanick