Ladies and gentleman of the sesquicentennial class, drink alcohol. If I could offer you one tip for college, alcohol would be it. The long-term benefits of alcohol has not been proven by scientists. Comparably the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own terrible experiences. I will part with this advice now.
Enjoy the parties and drunkenness of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you will not understand the fun and stupors until you‘re in the real world. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and not want to show your children how wasted you were and how glazed your eyes really looked.
You are as fat as you imagine freshmen girls because you drink beer three times a week. Do not worry about finding a ride home; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation after taking seven shots of Tequila. The real troubles in life are apt to be things that you don‘t remember; the kind that happens to you at 4am by some guy when you‘re blacked out.
Drink an import you’ve never heard of before, every weekend. Sing karaoke. Do not look for relationships at a party. Do not put up with people who are looking for something long-term in return. Play beer pong. Don't waste your time in a keg line; sometimes you know the guy at the tap, sometimes you don‘t. The flip cup race is long, and in the end, winning doesn‘t matter. Remember to buy others rounds. Forget that you have no money. If you succeed in doing this, you should buy me a round. Keep your old beer bottles. Throw away your old beer cans. Drink Steel Reserve. Do not feel bad if you don't know anyone at the party. The most interesting people I know came by themselves to a party when they were a freshman. Some of the most interesting alumni I know still go to college parties.
Do a power hour once. Be kind to your designated driver, you'll miss them when they stay home. Maybe you'll puke, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll pass out on the couch, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll finally get laid. Maybe you'll get on top of a table at the VFW and break it. Whatever you do, don't spill beer on anyone else or for that matter on yourself either - your choices are half intelligent when you‘re drunk, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy fruit juice, use it in every drink you can. Don't be afraid of jungle juice, or what other people think of a tropical colored drink. Orange juice is great with vodka, so is a sour mix. Dance, even if everyone is watching you make a fool of yourself.
Play kings, even if you don’t follow the directions. Do not play poker for money, instead play strip poker. Let your parents know that you drink, you never know when they might have to bail you out of jail. Be nice to your siblings. They're the best to corrupt, and the people most likely to make you laugh after they’ve had some liquor.
Understand that you have a thousand friends, except that there are only a precious few that will go to the diner with you when a party has gone too late. Work hard to keep the music low and people out of the streets because the later it gets, the more likely the neighbors will call the cops on you. Go to a frat party once, but leave before it makes you annoyed. Go to a on-campus party once, but leave before it makes you bored.
Kick somebody out of the party. Accept certain lies: kegs will be tapped, the police will bust the party, you too will outgrow these parties. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were in college, kegs never emptied, the police never showed, and you respected the owners of the house-party.
Respect the owners of the house-party. Don't steal anything from their houses. Maybe you'll have a red solo cup, maybe you'll have a blue solo cup; but you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time it's midnight, you’ll have sweated out all the gel.
Be careful not to take this advice too seriously, but, be patient with those who complain about it. This rant is a form of nostalgia. Rambling is a way of collecting the past in the form of words, remembering four years of sleeping late, drinking a Yuengling, and recycling it for five cents in Maine.
And trust me on the alcohol.
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Copyright 2004, Kevin Semanick