He would appear on the episode titled, “I’m the Son of God, Deal with it.” Instead of the holy ghost to his left, it would be a Ku Klux Klansman. On the right would be a bald guy no taller than five foot five, still living with his parents, who has talked to aliens that created the world.
Jerry would first ask the white hooded guy, “So God has told you that he made a mistake by creating Catholics, black people, and Jews?” Through a little slit a response would follow, “Don’t forget ferries like him who frolic hither,” pointing at Jesus.
Jesus would respond, “I’m not gay. In fact I’m not straight. I’m the Son of God. Can we focus on the topic?” The audience would clap. Years later people interpret this holy line to mean that both homosexuality and heterosexuality are sinful.
Jerry, being the tough journalist then poses a good question for Jesus, “So from what you just said, you don’t like men or women?” The Klansman would then proceed to bitch slap Jesus, “You hateful son of a bitch. I don’t like your Muslim-skinned Catholic-Jewish ass.” After turning the other cheek. The Klansman scratches him with his long nails. Jesus would be left with no cheek to turn.
What Jesus would do on the set of the Jerry Springer Show is stand up, pick up his chair, and beat the Klansman until security pulled them apart.
What Would Jesus Do... on a High-School Football Team?
Since the coach didn’t cut anyone on the team, the only position fit for Jesus would be the back-up kicker. Before the first game, the team would get together in the huddle and say a prayer, “Lord, help us to be our best tonight and fight with our heart. Lord, help us to beat the Red Demons by shutting down their passing game.” Jesus would then reply, “I’m not sure what I can do to help, but I’ll try my best guys. You know the other team is praying to win this game too. I really shouldn’t play favorites.” As the players run on the field, most would be confused by their back-up kicker.
What Jesus would do on a high school football team is sit on the bench, alone.
What Would Jesus Do... on Spring Break?
After curing lepers, which turned out to be herpes, and turning water into boxed wine, Jesus would need a break. He’d probably speed down I-95, flipping the bird to everyone who cuts him off, yelling, “Go to hell.” They really would, too.
During the days, he would enjoy the sandy beaches of Daytona, while MTV telecasts from its beachhouse. Jesus would look for the EWTN cameras but after not finding any, would settle to be a contestant on Dismissed. Unfortunately he would lose because he doesn’t have a bad-boy image.
On the final day Jesus would decide to go for a swim. All the drunk spring breakers would awaken from their hangovers horrified. They’d scream and yell as if they were characters in the movie Jaws.
What Jesus would do on spring break is freak all the college kids out by walking on water.
What Would Jesus Do... at a Phish Concert?
Jesus would wear a ragged old shirt that he found at the Salvation Army, a place he thought he might find his disciples. Jesus then realized that he would be able to find new recruits at the Phish concert. Not wanting to offend his new friends, he would smoke what he thinks is a cigarette. He doesn’t really care about lung cancer, since he knows he will die in a few days anyway. Though he would like to select twelve new followers, he gets real hungry and tries to find a snack bar. He would give up his fast on the thirty-ninth day just to satisfy his yearnings. The temptations would be uncontrollable.
What Jesus would at a Phish concert is blend in with the crowd.
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Copyright 2004, Kevin Semanick