Shock, when you realise that a second issue has actually materialised. Horror, when you look back on our on-field displays.  Yikes, when our strike bowler reveals what makes him tick.  And gobgastness, when you discover that there's even more: a bit of gossip, a tale with a happy ending, and the second test.
Not convinced, eh?  Well at least give it a quick scan before using the other side for lesson plans.
 
 

On the Ides of March, on a very brown and windy ACO, the second practice of the season took place under gorgeous azure skies.  The previous week the Kytes had loosened those stiff muscles, joints and appendages, so now was the time to get used to a bit of competition once more.
A "Fujitsu" team took on an inventively-named *Non-Fujitsu' team, Bruce and Anton being the respective captains, with Robert undertaking the keeping role throughout.

Non-F batted first with Anton and Francis making a very lively start until Francis skied an edge and was well-caught in the outfield by fellow Non-F Takashi. This heralded the approach of a hobbling Todd (courtesy of a windsurfing injury), with Francis as runner.  The runs began to snowball as the partnership of Anton and Todd stroked and smashed the ball all around Akiyama cho, only Neil proving difficult to hit.  More than 100 runs were struck in less than 10 overs.  Anton graciously retired hurt with an over remaining to allow Takashi a bat.  Needless to say he suffered a golden quack quack as Bruce took him out, middle stump.  A few more boundaries were bludgeoned and the innings closed at 140-odd from 15 overs, a formidable target for the F-team.

The Harris brothers opened for Fujitsu, and Bruce and Peter got off to a good start.  They were both timing the ball sweetly when Takashi slipped a ball through Bruce's defence for a revenge wicket.  Peter continued the momentum, as did Neil with some cracking shots, Randy with some lusty blows and Anthony with a series of scorching strokes, but the wickets fell before any of the F-team could make enough of an impact.  The most startling sight of the whole day was that of Saint Francis bowling some very respectable deliveries, rewarded with a brace of wickets.  Takashi was drafted in to partner Anthony once all the other F's were dismissed. Since Takashi was therefore unable to complete his allotment of overs Bruce was asked to take the last over, ironically bowling Scarface first delivery for the second time in the match, whilst both were playing for the opposition, if you see what I mean.

Despite strong batting throughout the F's line-up the Non-F total was never seriously threatened and Anton's Non-F's ran out victors by about 50 runs (±10), in another highly enjoyable day of cricket at the ACO.
 
 

Andrew's found some work in the US, through Manpower.

Simon faced the first delivery of the season.

Kevin's still got his school.

Todd's still got his cool.

Yoshiko captures happiest club member crown.

Mr and Mrs Umehara now reside in a brand new abode.

Tom's also moved up in the world, to the 7th floor.

We're still waiting for Garth to move to Tokyo.

Todd- "That was a bad decision, Robert."
Robert -"Which one?"

Randy's been studying delivery technique. He sat through *The Postman'

Kevin's still here.

So's Francis, can't you hear him?

Todd-"Hooowzaaaaaat!?"
Robert-"Out!"
Todd (2 hours later)-"That was never out, Robert."
 
 

Before the draw for the Kanto Cup schedule the Kytes' general manager, Robert, and Friends' founder, Aamir Ali, had colluded to arrange this fixture for April 5th. Whilst Robert put it down to pure good luck that the draw pitted our teams together on that very same day, Aamir nonchalantly remarked that, "It was written."
This might equally be applied to the game too, since it went uncannily close to the script recorded in issue 1 of your shock, horror newsletter.
So, what was this script again? Oh yes, high score by Friends and an inadequate reply by Kytes with a late flourish to help make things look a little more respectable. It was like deja vu all over again.

Once more the welcome mat was laid for Friends CC and the conditions at the ACO were perfect for cricket; sunny, dry and still, 19degrees Celsius. The outfield was lightning fast and the pitch was as good as it gets. All the Kytes were in whites, a first, and there was a full team by 10.30am when Francis ambled in, almost certainly another first.
After some catching practice and some stretching exercises, Kytes took the field and looked the part for the first 4 overs. An early run out helped, the Saint carefully flicking the ball to the non-striker's end where Bruce cleanly completed the job.
However this was just a cue for the Amigos to get serious. Todd, Bruce, Neil and then Anton were all to suffer from an awesome display of strokeplay. Kytes cause was not helped by a string of dropped catches before Anton, with a juggled Daidogei-like catch, pulled us out of our misery. Four 50's were cracked in express time, Aamir in scintillating form amassing a high-speed score of 89. Many good' deliveries were swatted at will, and at the drinks break the score had scorched to 211 from merely 20 overs. Friends were possibly thinking in terms of a total of over 500; it wasn't out of the question.
After drinks the Kytes refused to buckle completely and kept their shape. The run-rate was reduced from double to single digits as Nick, on a highly promising return, and Anton bowled with a little more guile and aggression, and the fielders put a little more pressure on the batsmen. Wickets started to fall, Nick being rewarded with a clean bowled, Anton bagging a brace, Todd claiming the prize wicket of Aamir, caught and bowled, Bruce and Takashi, showing glimpses of their best form, inducing edges, resulting in a super catch by Neil and a regulation catch for the keeper, who performed consistently well throughout the 40 overs.
Nevertheless there was no disguising the fact that Friends' batting was a class act, and the total of 368/8, a Kanto Cup record, was fully deserved. Kytes' bowlers were hammered, and Kevin, having produced a fine performance at mid-wicket, had his work cut out in producing a fine list at mid-game.
The Kytes' openers, Neil and Anton veered slightly from the script as they struck a number of offensive strokes which was continued by Francis who was equally offensive, but it was nowhere near the asking rate of 9 per over. Anton ended topscoring with 26 and occupied the crease with a little more aplomb than he had done last season.
Things were quickly back to the script though as the middle order struggled against some deceptively fast stuff from the Tomodachis. Ume and Nick in particular gave it their best shot, valiantly but vainly. By the time the numbers 10 and 11 reached the crease Friends were cruising and Kytes hadn't even managed three figures. However a characteristically stubborn innings from  Robert, and a charmed one from Skip began to frustrate Aamir and his Amis, whose thoughts now were on traffic jams and the Tomei. They threw the kitchen sink at our last pair, a champagne moment coming when the agent provocateur, with some panache, somehow managed to strike a boundary from a wicketless Aamir. We'll never hear the last of that. The partnership of 44 completed the script and Kytes total of 138 from 38 overs was woefully short. Victory to Friends by a crushing 230 runs. MVP-Anton.

As a postscript I can only echo what Takashi pointed out after the game; that it was great to play in a team that tried its best till the very end.
It was another brilliant day's cricket at the ACO and every Kytes player should feel proud to have taken part, despite the pre-ordained plot. It was written....
 

In most clubs the virtue of a vice-captain is that he can smoothly slip into the skipper's role when the regular captain is unavailable.  The Kytes' vice-captain, a certain Anton McCloy, has a little more to offer.
We all have our ups and downs in life, and these events have a habit of teasing and stretching our emotions in such a way that we can learn a little more about ourselves.  The Kytes' vice-captain is no exception to these forces, and his recent experiences merit our attention.

Concentrating on a particular week in the middle of February, we begin with the v-c's jaunt to the Nagano Olympics, along with some other reprobates from the Fuji area.
By all accounts a rip-roaring week-end was had by Anton et al, highlighted by hobnobbing with the Canadian ice-hockey Dream Team and their entourage.  Accommodation was no problem for our intrepid finemaster, an all-night binge on the demon drink negating the need.  Breakfast was also no problem.  Who else but the Canadian hockey team would provide the fare?
So our Kiwi friend had not only received an education into the technicalities of the thrilling sport of ice-hockey, he had also rubbed shoulders with the rich and famous, such as Grain Wetski and Eric Windloss, or names to that effect.

Unfortunately after this particular high there was only one direction for our v-c to go.  Yes, down. This was where things got decidedly sad, unpleasant and, well, rather interesting.  A personal matter started the puck sliding.
The private lives of Kytes' members are not the kind of thing that this particular periodical delves into.  Suffice to report our All Black's recent sad events in this department had not been fully resolved and, after precious little shuteye over the weekend, a weakened v-c endured a rather taxing pow-wow into the wee hours.  The downhill slope had begun.

The highs of the weekend were but distant memories when a weary Makuroi entered Ciccio's on Wednesday evening. Having offered to attend a Kanto Cup meeting the coming weekend in Yokohama, our fielding co-ordinator had been coerced into talking things over with the manager and skip and, much to his credit, he had foregone a \5,000 lesson for this dubious pleasure.  The discussions went on for a while and reached a number of satisfactory conclusions, punctuated with tales from Nagano.
Then the downer to top (or rather bottom) them all.  Anton's car had disappeared!  Stolen?  No, towed away. Shoko told us where the police station was.  Robert leapt into action and led the way as the season before last's best batsman pounded off in search of the little, white jam-jar.
An hour or so later, 25,000  yen lighter and now only 2 points away from a lengthy ban, the indomitable v-c returned shaken but not stirred.  A smiling Anton had not only endured the unpleasantness of the car pound but had somehow contrived to turn the whole affair into a fun night out.
Aided and abetted by the Frenchman, he had skated through this downer, stood it on its head, and had enjoyed a merry old time at the pound. The normally dour pound officers traded jokes with the Kytes duo, a little telly was viewed, golf swings were discussed, and quips such as "end of the quarter?" and "quotas, eh?" were passed (along with a telephone number to the receptionist?).
The ironic outcome was that the v-c now had too little dosh to afford the fare to the Yokohama meeting, so the entire Ciccio excursion could have been in vain.
Nevertheless Anton just shrugged it all off and, much to the admiration of those present, simply looked forward to another slalom round the next obstacle foolish enough to be in his path (and cadged a lift to Yokohama).

So what is the moral to all this?  Not quite sure to be honest. However what may be concluded is that our Anton is riding a bobsleigh through the pitfalls of life at present, and is making the most of every bump. We could all learn a little something from this additional virtue of a vice-captain.
 
 

Can you remember your answers? Can you remember the questions? Anyway here are all the correct answers.

a) Risen

b) When he enters the field of play.

c) No

d) Until the next over.

e) Yes
 
 

Has that whetted your appetites, or what.  Three correct answers and you were victorious in the first test. If you lost, then so what? There's always a chance to level things in the second. Play.

a) What is the umpire's signal for a leg bye?

b) How did the term *pair' come to be used?

c) How much does a ball weigh?

d) Does ball-tampering really make a ball swing more?

e) Can the captain of the batting side demand a new ball to be taken after the prescribed number of overs?

Once more a score of three or more correct answers will bring you victory, and will set you up nicely for the third test.
????The answers will appear in the next issue, along with the next test.
 
 

This is the first in series of profiles of Kytes club members which intends to show that there really is life after cricket, and to give a brief insight into what our heroes are really like when they step out of the crease.
This issue we focus on that expert exponent of toddyline bowling and all-night partying, yes our very own hot Toddy, as he reveals all.

Full name - Todd Peter Phillips

Birthplace - Auckland, New Zealand

Birthdate - 2/2/72

Height - 197cm

Weight - 87kg

Job - Language Consultant, Interac

Car - Subaru Legacy

Newspapers - Yomiuri, Japan Times, NZ Herald, NZ-UK News

Favourite:
Films - Frightners, Bad Taste, The Blues Brothers
Actor - Robert de Niro
Actress - Meg Ryan
Book - Can't read
Meal - Roast lamb, veggies, with heaps of mint sauce and gravy.
Fruit - Kiwifruit
Vegetable - Kiwivegetable
Drink - Beer, Lion Red or VB.
Sport - Rugby Union, 'cause we're No. 1.
Sportsman - Zinzan Brooke
Sportswoman - Anna Kournikova, she's a babe.
CD - Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness
Group - Smashing Pumpkins
Musician - Dave Gilmour

Greatest weakness - I swear too much on the field.
Greatest strength - My right wrist.

Most respected quality in others - High beer tolerance level.

Type of woman - Good sense of humour, tall, can drink, and completely forward-looking (what the hell am I doing in Japan, you might ask).

Boyhood sporting hero - Richard Hadlee

Most memorable sporting moment witnessed - When I had the chance to expose myself on national Japanese TV. Along with other inebriated Kiwis we clambered over the fence at Chichibunomiya Stadium (Rugby 7's) at the end of the final and proceeded to bow down to the approaching Fijian team after they had given the NZ team a jolly good whipping.  We, of course, were fully equipped with a bloody huge NZ flag, All Black jerseys and caps, and fully-painted faces.  Who said we Kiwis don't humble ourselves occasionally?

Most memorable personal sporting moment - Aged 12 in Glover Park, Auckland in my first competitive cricket match, scoring those first runs, a grand total of 8.

Motto in life - Eat, drink, root and leave.

Future dream - I want to become ambidextrous.
 
 

And so the Shizuoka Kytes roadshow staged yet another event. This time Fujieda was the venue for a Sunday evening party at the curiously-named Skinflute.
This newly-established bar has become a regular watering hole for our v-c, Anton, and it was he who organised proceedings with the bar's young master, Takayuki-san, the possibility of a little sponsorship being a partial consideration. However the thought of having the Skinflute logo embroidered on our cricket shirts might take a bit of getting used to.
In the event a couple of dozen club members all had a highly enjoyable time at the Flesh Oboe.  Thankfully things didn't degenerate into the drunken orgy that characterised Todd's party last autumn. Bruce's brother and sister-in-law and Skip's old friend from Blighty came along and all were more than welcome.
The Fujieda lasses loosened up as the evening went on and the friendliness of the master all added up to a really good night out at the Epidermal Wind Instrument.
A further influx of local talent kept the v-c occupied and the full range of foreign beers was still being quaffed as time was called.
So thanks to the Skinflute for yet another great Kytes night out, but personally I wouldn't beat around the bush; I'd simply call the place "Dick".
 
 

The weather cycle appears to have changed. Last season it rained practically every weekend; this season it rains all week.
So on another sunny day at the ACO, 24?, dry and breezy, the Kytes welcomed old rivals, the Far East CC from Tokyo for a friendly. The Sumpu Trophy holders won the toss and elected to bat. The Kytes took to the field, looking the part, Men in White, for the second successive game.

Todd and Neil took the new ball and, aided by some enthusiastic fielding, bowled very tightly. Neil eventually made the breakthrough, with a stupendous caught and bowled, flinging himself at a full-blooded drive, the ball sticking fast.
The Tokyoites were never allowed to get going. A number of their batsmen faced enough overs to get set, but no-one could really pierce a ring of close MIW who pounced on everything. Wickets fell regularly as the pressure told, all the bowlers enjoying some success. Anton bagged a wicket, with a tidy catch from an ebullient Randy, as did Takashi, Nick snapping a very sharp slip-catch. Todd broke the wicket with an unplayable inswinger, Grandad made the smartest of stumpings, and a run-out, courtesy of an off-balance Todd and a lunging Nick, kept the Kytes' momentum going. The Saint was a revelation, taking a well-deserved wicket, and Skip nabbed one too, but it was Nick who took the bowling honours with a pair of wickets in another highly polished performance.
The Far Easterners battled through 34 of the 40 overs finishing all out for a round 100. An adroit fielding performance by MIW, well organised by Anton, left Kevin, who once more produced a fine display of his own, with precious little to record in his little black book.

Kytes kept to virtually the same batting order that had vainly faced Friends. Both Anton and Neil should have been caught cheaply, but they weren't and went on to lay a firm foundation of runs with some rasping shots, way beyond the asking rate, Anton ending up top-scoring with 34. Francis continued in similar vein, but with MIW needing only about 20 more runs the unfortunate run-out of a seemingly in-form Todd began a middle order collapse. In fact FE's Imamura conjured an extremely rare triple-wicket maiden during this spell. However Randy put the Kytes in whites back on track, smoking a couple of boundaries, and Takashi finished the job with another. The Kytes with 101/7 from about 25 overs duly completed a well-earned victory in a match that had largely been in their control since Neil's catch. MVP-Neil.

The game was played by both sides in an excellent spirit, and yet another marvellous day's cricket at the ACO was nicely rounded off at the sobaya with the Far Easterners coming along too. Added to the Kytes' entourage this made a total of 36 present as we commandeered the upstairs room for a bit of a party, and, as we all know, Cricket + Party = Men in Clover.
 
 

.....the Gloucester innings vs. Sussex in 1898 was declared for no apparent reason by WG Grace with his personal score standing at 93no.  It later emerged that rather than go for yet another century, he made the declaration so that he might achieve the unique feat of having made every score between 0 and 100. 93 had been the missing number and this was a chance to fill the gap without damaging his average.
Who says that modern players are more concerned with their personal statistics than players of a century ago?
 
 

Another super-sizzling issue is promised with more match reports, the Third Test, a player profile and tales of anything vaguely related to the Shizuoka Kytes Cricket Club.

Any contributions to this newsletter will be gratefully accepted, just hand them to Skip and he'll pass them all on to the editor.