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Disclaimer:None of these characters belong to
me, they belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox
Death belongs to Neil Gaiman and The Sandman comic book series
I will take care of them though and return them when I am done.
X Files Fan/Sandman crossover Fiction M/Sk/Kr?
Words to Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad by Moby
Summary: Alex meets up with a young woman who guides
him through his life...and his death.
Rated R for implied violence, implied slash and language
Spoilers: Yeah, but do you really care
Conversation
It was white where he was, white, nothing but white.
He stared around at the nothingness, then sighed. If this was eternity, it was boring.
Since there did not seem to be anything else he could do, he settled down to wait.
After a while he stood up and walked around a little, nothing else moved, he was all alone.
He sighed. This definitely was not Paradise, perhaps this was Hell. Well after all, why not, it was not
as though he deserved to go to Heaven. Not after everything that he had done.
He sat down again. How long was he suposed to be here for? Eternity? God, he hoped not. He would
go crazy here all alone. If only there was a different colour that he could look at.
Something that would break up all this dammed whiteness.
He closed his eyes. Nope, no good, the white even got behind his eyelids. He opened them again.
Green, could he remember the colour green? Green like his eyes. Or blue, blue like a summer sky.
How about red, or brown or yellow, purple like a royal cloak. Or orange, like the oranges he used to
pick from the tree right down the bottom of the yard. He smiled, remembering how he would lay
in the long grass, biting into the soft flesh of the fruit, watching the birds flying overhead,
watching the white clouds scuttle across deep blue of the sky.
Pink, the colour of the dress of the first little girl that he had kissed. She had worn that dress to school
that day, she had worn a matching ribbon and he had touched it right before he had kissed
her six year old lips.
Black, the colour of pain. That is what he remembered when...what?
He frowned. What had happened to him, how did he get here? How did he die?
He stared down at the clothes that he was wearing. If he was dead, why was he still wearing clothes?
He rubbed his hands along the rough material of his jeans, blue like the late summer sky, or the lake
in autumn. His jacket, black...pain... bad colour...no good colour, black oblivion.
Why couldn't he remember? Was it because he was not supposed too?
He was pondering this when his name was softly called. He looked up. There in front of him amid
all the white stood a young woman. Hardly more than a girl. She was standing, hands on hips,
a smile on crimson lips that pulled back to show white even teeth.
She was beyond beautiful, she was heartbreaking.
"Hello there Alex". She said as she walked over to sit down beside him. He moved over to make room,
not that having to do that was necessary. It was more from force of habit.
He looked at her, taking in the face, all young smoothed skin perfection. The mass of black hair that
tumbled down her shoulders. His eyes were drawn to the large silver ankh that hung around
her slender neck. For all her air of self possesion, she could not have been much older
then sixteen.
Her eyes were what drew him though. Gray eyes, cool like a winter sky, very analytical eyes.
"Did you die too"? He asked her. She shook her head, laughing as though she had been told the funniest
joke.
"What are you doing here than"? He asked.
She shrugged. "I thought that you looked like you could use some company Alex".
"How do you know my name"?
"We've been friends for a while now". She replied. She drew her knees up to her chest, tucking them
under her chin and wrapping her arms around her legs as though she were cold.
He frowned. That was not the answer he had been expecting. "Do I know you"?
"In a way". She replied.
He sighed, he really was not in the mood for riddles, he had more pressing things on his mind, like
where in god's name did he go from here?
Sensing how he was feeling, she leaned forward slightly.
"Alex, I know that you're scared right now, but it will be all right, I promise".
"How do you know that"? He asked.
"Oh I know a lot of things". She replied with an enigmatic smile. Suddenly, with one single fluid motion,
she stood up.
"Come on".
He followed her as she walked, moving with an easy gait, her black clothes standing out in stark
contrast amid all the white.
"Where are we going"? He asked her. She turned to him. "Where would you like to go"?
He looked around. "There doesn't seem to be anywhere does there". He replied with a wry smile.
"We can go anywhere you want". She replied. "Just close your eyes and think of a place".
He closed his eyes and thought for a moment, when he opened them again, they were standing in
a room. He could hear voices, low murmuring, laughter.
"Where are we"? He asked. The girl smiled at him, her gray eyes kind.
"We are where you wished to be".
Suddenly three familiar figures walked through the door, they were all carrying gifts.
With them was a fourth figure. Tall, with dark hair. The Lone Gunmen and Mulder.
"Why are they here"? He asked. "What are those packages they are holding"?
"They are gifts for the baby". The girl replied.
She pointed to the half opened door. "The baby is in there".
Hesitantly, he walked towards the door, peering around it. There on the bed sat Dana Scully, a whimpering
wrapped up bundle in her arms.
He felt a sudden pain clutch at his heart. as this the child that he had tried to kill? If only he could remember.
"Is..is it, I mean the baby. Is it all right"?
She nodded. "A boy, normal and healthy in everyway". She answered him.
"I...I wanted it...him dead, didn't I"?
"You thought the baby was something other than what he is". She replied. "But he will grow and continue
in this world until his time here is done".
He nodded, tears pricking at his eyes. "Will he have a long life"? He asked, almost afraid of the answer.
"No life here is ever long". She replied. "Now, where to next"?
"But I need to know if it...he is going to be okay. I mean after all, there were people"...
"We keep watch, we do what we can. William will be fine, and his life will be full. On this plane, that's
all anyone can hope for".
Suddenly they were no longer in the apartment. They were standing in a cool sterile corridor.
"Where are we now"? He asked her. She smiled and shook her head. "A place that always keeps me
busy". She replied. "The hospital".
He followed her down the long corridor, past the nurse's station, where a young woman in a crisply
starched uniform was sitting, working on a computer.
She did not look up as they passed. He stopped and turned to the young woman at his side.
"No one can see us can they"?
"No, they can't you see, we are both on another...plane, if you like. Another place of existence.
We are not in their reality".
"Another dimension"? He asked, genuinely curious.
She chuckled. "If you like".
They entered a hospital room. A pale figure swathed in bandages lay on the bed. Tubes seemed to be
sticking out of him from every orifice.
Nearby, a large man sat dozing in a chair. He had obviously been there for a while.
"Skinner". he said, more surprised then anything else. The girl looked up at him, her eyes sympathetic.
You did not expect him to be here". It was not a question.
"He was the one that shot me". He replied, bewildered. "He hates me. Why would he be here with me"?
It was indeed him lying in the hospital bed, face half hidden in bandages. His eyes closed, he looked
more dead than alive.
Machines beeped and hummed as they monitored his breathing and heartbeat. He stepped over to the
largest monitor, watching the coloured lines as they traced the patterns of his very life's
essence across the black screen.
He turned to the girl. "Am I dead or alive"? He asked. He sounded like a child that had just discovered
a great secret and wanted to know more.
"Neither... both". She shrugged. "Technically, it is the machines that are keeping you alive. They are still
detecting some brain function so they don't want to turn the machines off just yet".
He sighed and turned away. Is this what he had been reduced to? The whole sum of his life? To
this moment of machines and tubes...of catheters and drip bags.
He reached out, wanting to touch the chalk white face, wanting the eyes to open, to show some spark
of life. Suddenly the tightness in his chest overwhelmed him and he turned away.
"It all went so wrong". He whispered, lost and aching. "It all went so very wrong".
Suddenly, there was a rustle behind him. Skinner was awake. he walked over to the bed, looking down
on the still figure.
"Alex"? He asked softly. "Alex, did you say something"?
There was no response from the figure lying in the bed and Skinner sighed and rubbed his hand over his
face. He could feel a good two day growth on his chin. Christ, he felt like shit. He had not been
able to sleep or eat since this had happened.
The only time he had left Alex's bedside was to go home to shower and change clothes. He was close
to exhaustion.
He turned to the young woman who was watching AD Skinner closely.
"I don't understand, why is he here"?
"He's keeping watch over you".
"But why would he want to do something like that... after all I had done to him"?
"You mean all the things that you had been forced to do, don't you"?
He turned away. "I did those things. I was the one that infected him the the nanocytes, I was the one
blackmailing him. No one made me. I made those decisions myself. No one forced me".
"Not even Spender"? She asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.
He felt his face flush. "He paid me to do what I did".
"And he had you beaten and tortured if you didn't". She repied. "He had you locked in a silo, put into
a prison in Tunisia. Tried to have you blown up by a car bomb, shall I go on"?
"He was an evil man". He replied uneasily. "But I was the one that chose not to walk away".
She regarded him for a moment, head cocked charmingly to one side. "I don't think you ever had any
choice in anything".
He shrugged. "You still haven't answered my question". He said mildly.
"He stays with you, because he cares about you Alex, he always had. You just couldn't see it, that's all".
"Listen lady, no one has ever cared about me and they never will". He replied, his voice harsh.
"That is where you are wrong Alex". She replied softly.
He turned and stormed out of the room, only to run straight into Mulder.
He frowned, now what the hell was he doing here?
He followed the former FBI agent into the room.
She was still standing near the bed, watching as the two men greeted each other.
"Walter, you look like hell". Mulder said with a smile. He flopped himself into the only other chair in the
room, his long body stretched out for maximum comfort.
"Gee thanks, and it's great to see too". Skinner replied with a smile.
"How are Scully and the baby"?
Fine, just fine, I left them over there with John Doggett. They have both taken quite a shine to each other.
"So they should, being mother and son". Skinner replied, eyebrow raised.
Mulder laughed, shaking his head. "John and Dana". He replied. Skinner grinned, brown eyes twinkling
behind his glasses, despite the weariness.
The Mulder sobered. "How is our patient"?
Skinner shook his head. "There's been no change. The doctor was in earlier. He says that there are still
signs of brain function there, but he's still comatose. I don't know what's going to happen now".
He turned to the girl, almost accusingly. "So I'm not dead".
"I told you Alex. You are in between death and life, now you have to make the choice, which is it to
be"?
"Since when did anyone get to make a choice like that"? he asked.
She smiled and walked over to where he was standing. he could smell her perfume, a heady intoxicating
aroma that filled him with...what? Joy? no, peace, that was it, peace. For the first time
in his life, he was at peace with himself.
"It's not often that mortals do get to make such a choice Alex, but there are.. well you can call them,
special circumstances. Think yourself lucky that you are being allowed to make a choice.
not many mortals get too".
"Then I choose to die". He replied calmly.
"Very well, if that's your choice, then that's what it will be". She reached out and took his hand. It was cool,
he almost expected it to be cold.
"Are we going back to that place, the one where we were before"?
"No, another place, you were only in that particular place because you were neither dead nor alive.
We simply did not know where to put you. But now we do".
"Am...am I going to go to Hell"? He asked, suddenly frightened. She stared at him. as though he had
suddenly grown an extra head.
"Hell, where do you mortals get such ideas from"? She replied. "Alex, there is no Hell, there is only
the other existence, and there you can decide whether to stay, or leave. It's entirely up to you".
"Leave"? Now he was confused.
"To live another life". She replied. She sighed. "After all, this life was not much of a success was it"?
He shook his head sadly. No, it had not been, but then a lot of it had not been his fault. He had not asked
to be taken by the Consortium as a young teenager. he had not wanted to become
an operative, being sent out to 'retire' people, dodging bullets, sabotaging and blackmailing decent people
like Skinner. No, he never wanted any of that. But it was over now, he was beyond
even their grasp now. Nothing could hurt him anymore.
"Poor Alex".
He turned at the sound of his name, and was surprised to see Mulder stroking his hair gently.
Skinner was standing on the other side of the bed, looking down at the still figure.
"You know, at first I could not believe those tapes. I thought they had been faked or something. But
after the Bureau's experts had verified them...." He broke off, looking away.
Mulder nodded. "I know how you feel, and to know that my own father was part of all that. Jesus,
no wonder Mom ended up hating him like she did".
"The trouble is, most of the bastards that escaped being torched, are still out there, free. And Alex is
lying here with a bullet lodged in his brain.
Mulder sighed. "You know, I had no idea that they got most of their recruits from state run homes and
orphanages. Alex must have only been about thirteen or fourteen when they took him".
"They needed to train people for their brave new world". Skinner replied quietly. "It was easy for them to
take young kids from foster homes and institutions. Hell of a lot cheaper and simpler as well.
Take a kid, train him or her as an assassin, you can guarantee their loyalty one hundred
percent".
Mulder sighed and nodded, his usually bright hazel eyes sad.
"The worst thing about it is that battered children are usually loyal to the abusive parent, they seek
love and approval, even though they don't get it. And the way they hurt those poor kids".
He shuddered. "No one should have to go through what they did, and to tape it all....Christ".
"That's what they were counting on, that and the fact that they could break a child down, then build
them back up to whatever the Consortium needed them to be". Skinner replied. "And those
tapes were for training purposes apparently".
"Yeah, teaching people how to turn innocent kids into cold blooded killers and double agents, shit".
Mulder shook his head. "We need to get them Walter".
"We are doing the best we can". Skinner replied. Both Mulder and Alex could hear the utter defeat in the older
man's voice.
"Come on Alex". Skinner said suddenly, his voice soft. "I know that you are in there somewhere. Wake
up, come on, we need you buddy".
He frowned. Why did they need him. Knowing his past should have made them despise him even more.
"It's true". The girl spoke up suddenly. "They do need you Alex. They always did, it's just that none
of you were able to recognize this".
He shrugged trying to appear nonchalant. "Mulder has Scully and the new baby to worry about".
He replied.
"She is with Doggett now". The girl replied with a grin. "A real love match it is too".
He looked at her surprised. "But what about Mulder"?
"He's taken up residence with the one person that he truly loves". She said, indicating towards the AD.
He stared at both men for a moment, wondering if he really was shocked, but then decided he was not.
After all, he always seemed to pick something up from them both, when he had been working
with them.
Something suddenly gave way deep inside of him. "Can we we go now"? He asked.
She quirked a perfect eyebrow at him. "Seen enough"?
He nodded, suddenly unable to speak. "I just want to leave here, that's all". He whispered.
She leaned forward, looking at him, into him. "Once we leave, there's no going back".
Just at that moment, a line from a song popped into his head.
Why does my heart feel so bad
Why does my soul feel so bad
Feel all alone...feel all alone
Feel all alone....
Suddenly he wanted to cry, just sit down and cry like the little child he had never been allowed to be.
He felt a cool hand on his shoulder. "Things can be put right Alex, it's not too late".
"Yes it is". He whispered, his voice bitter with despair. "It is, even if they could ever forgive me. I would
end up in prison for the rest of my life. I would rather be dead than locked up again".
She chuckled. "You really are very short sighted aren't you". She said with a shake of her head.
"I mean, with all the information that you have on the Consortium, they would let you turn state's
evidence in return for immunity. In fact, that was the deal that they were going to offer you before
you decided to get yourself shot".
"But the Consortium, they would send their best out to get me. I would never be safe".
"The Consortium is just about finished, they have captured most of the Elite, it's just a matter of mopping
up the few that are still around. And you could prove invaluable in helping to do just that".
He sighed. "Perhaps". He sounded doubtful. She reached up and touched her hand to his face. He caught
a whiff of her perfume again. He was sure that it was the same scent that Cleopatra,
Helen of Troy and Aphrodite had all worn.
"But"...
"And as for being safe, they would not let anything happen to you again. Not now that they know how
bad it had been for you. And how little say you had in choosing your path".
He snorted. "Yeah, like the last time they arranged a safe house for me. The balcony of Skinner's
apartment".
The girl smiled and shook her head. "I doubt that would happen again. Alex, there comes a time when
you have to trust someone. You have to let someone in".
"I was never allowed to get close to anyone, not even as a kid". He replied softly. "I was never allowed
to show my emotions, I was never allowed to want or expect anything. Not even love".
She started to hum a tune, softly, sweetly.
Why does my heart feel so bad....
He knew why his heart felt so bad, all the years of lonliness and pain. He looked up at her, tears shimmering
in his eyes.
"Alex, there is no hell, only the knowledge that you have lived a life gone wrong".
Why does my soul feel so bad"...
"I don't want to die". He whispered. "I don't want to be alone any more and I don't want to die. So what
do I do now"?
She stood up and whispered the anwer in his ear.
A huge grin spread across his face. Of course. It was so simple. That one word.
She stepped back and was gone.
"Wait"! He called out to her. "Wait, you can't just leave me here like this"....His voice faded, as did he.
Into nothingness once more.
Two months later
Mulder opened the door of the new house that both he and Skinner were renting. It had taken them a while
to find it, but once they had, it had proven to be perfect for them.
Carefully Skinner wheeled the wheelchair into the house. Making sure that the wheels did not catch
on anything.
"Here we are". He said cheerfully as he carefully parked the wheelchair in the living room.
"Well Alex, how do you like it"?
Krycek looked around and smiled. "It's great". He replied, his voice was still hoarse from weeks of
having tubes down his throat. It had been touch and go for awhile, but the doctors had managed to finally
remove the bullet and his arm and leg were nearly healed. He looked down at the fake arm that
he wore since he had lost that in Russia a while ago. One of the doctor's had talked about
a new technique to graft a doner arm on. They had been getting good results with hands and feet.
Now they wanted to try a whole limb, there were no guarantees, but were there ever?
They would wait for a doner arm, and then hope for the best.
"Hope you guys are hungry". Mulder said as he walked in from the kitchen. "I just ordered pizza.
Extra cheese and pepperoni".
"Sounds good to me". Skinner replied. They both looked at Krycek. He grinned at both of them.
"As long as you remembered the extra anchovies as well".
"Sure did". Mulder said as Skinner groaned. He did not like anchovies.
Krycek smiled. For the first time, he felt safe. he knew that it would not be easy. The reason that both
Skinner and Mulder had been allowed to take him from protective custody was the fact
that both he and Mulder were trained FBI agents, even though Mulder was no longer with the Bureau.
And that Krycek had voluntarily become state's evidence in return for complete immunity.
That and the fact that he was just about the only one that could decode most of the
Consortium files, and there were thousands of them, from all over the world.
The three of them had managed to use that as leverage to take Krycek to a place where he would feel
safe...and loved.
No it would not be easy, they were all still carrying a lot af baggage from their past. But Alex remembered
what that girl had whispered in his ear that day in the hospital.
One word that he had sworn to obey
One single word...
Live.
And he would...as best as he was able to, and hopefully no longer alone.
Finis
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