He's gone....

I cannot believe it, one minute he was standing there, so alive...so real. And now, now he's just-gone.

Moving numbly on legs that have suddenly seemed to have turned to rubber, I take a step forward; over to the unmoving figure lying in a crumpled heap on the cold concrete. Ignoring the blood pooling around him, I kneel; reaching out to touch the cold still form.

And then I can contain my grief no longer. Throwing back my head I scream.

I had loved him once, and he had loved me. I remember the long night when we held each other whispering silly little endearments in each other's ears. I recall the very first time that we came together, our passion for each other drowning out the world and everyone in it until there was no one left but the two of us. And that was the way we liked it. Alone, just him and me and no one else to bother us as we lay in each other's arms.

Oh I knew that he had been sent to seduce me, sway me over to the Smoker's side to take up his cause. But that did not matter to me, no I had ended up being the one to seduce him instead. I had taken the pretty green eyed boy to my bed and had impaled him mercilessly, fucking him until he had screamed. But he had a magic all of his own that had taken my lust and turned it into love.

He had been my north, my south, my east, my west.....

The words of that sweetly sad poem had suddenly risen into my mind as I leaned over to brush my fingers against the cold pale skin of his face. Running my hand along his cheek as if I were able to will him back to life.

He's gone and I keen my grief like an animal wounded by a hunter's gun. He's gone and still my disbelief numbs to me to the reality.

He's gone and I can no longer face life on my own for without him there is nothing.

He's gone and I want to die.

"Mulder."

I hear a voice behind me, it's Skinner, the man that had pulled the trigger that had taken Alex away from me. I turn my head, feeling the tendons creak like those belonging to an old man. I try to hate him but I cannot, after all he had no idea what had been between Alex and myself. Skinner in his own way had been trying to save me. But in doing so, he had only succeeded in destroying me instead.

"Mulder, we have to go, we have to find Scully."

I can hear the urgency in his voice now, his words trying to push through the fog that had settled on my brain. Slowly I get to my feet, I can feel moisture on my face, and I lift my hand to wipe it away. Tears, I shed tears for the dead. But this is just salt water, nothing more, nothing that is real. No, the real tears that I weep are hidden deep away and I know with a sure knowledge that I will never stop shedding them. I will weep for the rest of my life only no one will ever see them for they are made up of my heart's blood.

"Mulder."

I can hear the concern in his voice now and I turn and walk towards my car, moving sluggishly. My body feels as though it had been filled with lead weights now and I can hardly bring myself to think, to reason, to act. All that I can think about is the cold still form that I leave behind me.

My lover, my betrayer, my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. My life.

He's gone.....

And nothing can ever be the same again.

FIN

Stop all the clocks
Wystan Hugh Auden
Stop all the clocks,
cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum.
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the
white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever:
'I was wrong' The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon
and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing
now can ever come to any good.