ONE

I sit in the kitchen, watching the hands of the clock crawling towards the hour. I try to ignore the way my stomach is clenching and knotting up.

Why oh why did it happen I ask myself for the thousandth time. I look down at my grazed knuckles and wince.

I can't believe that I hit him, I just can't. After all this time, I should have learned to deal with my sudden outbursts of temper. It all just happened so quick.

One minute we were quarreling, Alex sitting across from me, a set stubborn look on his face, the next, he was sitting on the floor, blood dribbling from the cut on his lip.

And his eyes, staring up at me, dark and horrified.

I could feel my stomach turn over with a mixture of shock and dread. Oh my god...what had I done?

I reached out to touch him, comfort him, say how sorry I was, anything to take away that look on his face, the look of bewilderment and hurt.

I watch Alex scrabble to his feet, then turn and run from the kitchen, all I could do was stare after him helplessly.

"Please Alex." I cry out, hearing the anguish in my voice, echoing through the house.

"Please come back Alex..I sorry, I swear I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you...come back!"

*//Just wait.//* I think as I sit in the sun drenched kitchen. *//He's upset, he'll calm down and then you can spend the rest of your life making up for what you did.//*

TWO

I am not sure how long it's been now. I wander around the huge old house that he and I had bought together, three summers ago.

I can remember the laughter as he had dragged me around this huge old manse, Alex breathless with excitement, his green eyes dancing.

"It's perfect Fox." He had said looking around at the tall plaster ceilings and the faded wallpaper from another century.

"It's massive Alex." I had told him laughingly shaking my head. "Why do we need such a big place, after all, there's just the two of us."

Alex's face had fallen at that, and taking him in my arms I kissed him on that adorable nose of his and whispered.

"If it's what you want...it's yours."

"Ours." He had whispered back sending that familiar thrill down my spine.

"Ours." I had agreed. "Ours."

Over the months we had slowly restored the house, exploring every nook and cranny, every room revealing a new surprise. Sometimes Dana and Walter would come and visit, staying for a few days. Walter, bringing his fishing gear, and heading down to the river as soon as he could, while Dana would potter around the shops down at the local village.

Yes this place had been perfect, enough peace and quiet to allow me to work on my book now that am no longer a part of the Bureau and Alex had always wanted to live in Maine. So it had proved perfect all around.

Now I sit, numbed and miserable. He's hiding somewhere in this huge old house, upset, frightened, hurt, he's hiding, hiding from me. The realization sends an almost physical pain through my heart and I close my eyes, feeling the prick of tears.

*//Be patient, just wait, he'll come out soon. This is Alex, this is what he does. Whenever things go wrong, he goes to ground. He will come out when he feels safe. I know he will.//*

I tell myself this as I sit in the large silent living room, waiting for him, just be patient... wait.

THREE

I wake up all alone in our bed, blinking as I sit up. I yawn, then stop, listening. Silence, yet I know he's still here, in the house somewhere. I am sure of it. I can feel his presence, the warmth of him close by. I walk over to the closet to grab some clothes. His things are still here. Nothing's been taken, a good sign. Alex is still here and today I intend to search the house from top to bottom. I will find him and soothe his fears, take away his hurt and show him that he is loved.

I go downstairs and head into the kitchen, I look down at the polished walnut table and smile as a memory surfaces

Sometimes Alex would get up earlier than me and come downstairs to make us breakfast, and every time he did I would find a single red rose from our garden sitting on the plate, a gift for me.

Tears unbidden rise to the surface and I turn, my stomach hollow and empty and aching. I don't feel like eating, all I want to do is find him and tell him how very sorry I am.

I will find him, he is here...somewhere.

I have searched the house from top to bottom, but there's no sign, yet I know he's here. I can feel it like a warm glow.

Pulling on my coat I walk outside into the brisk, not quite winter air. I trudge along the ground, hearing the leaves crunch under foot. The woods are at the back of the house, I head down the tiny rough path that leads down to the river.

Nothing, I can hear the occasional bird's call sometimes I hear something rustle in the bushes. Just the local wildlife I think with a smile, then I feel it fade.

I stare down at the crystal water of the river and remember when Walter first brought Alex here, determined to teach him how to fish. The laughter and easy conversation passing between two men who had once been enemies.

It had not been easy for Walter or Dana to accept Alex as a part of my life, but gradually they had and over the time, had slowly become friends.

I know that they had done it for me and that knowledge warmed my heart. I am so lucky to have the good friends that I have, I realize that and my heart aches a little.

I miss Alex so much. Slowly I turn and head back towards the house, shoulders hunched. Alone.

FOUR

It's been days now and still no sign of him. I wander around the house, touching the furniture, running my hands along the places where he sat, where he had been. Trying to stifle the fear that had started to surface deep inside me.

*//He's not going to come out.//*

*//Yes he is. Give him time, once he realizes how sorry you are and how much you miss him, he will.//*

I go back upstairs to our bedroom and lay on the bed, my face buried in the pillow. Alex's pillow. I can smell the scent of him on the pillow, it's faint but it's there. I inhale deeply.

"Come back Alex." I hear myself whimper. It's no longer a request but a prayer.

FIVE

"He's not coming back Fox."

I stare into Walter's warm brown eyes, eyes that are now filled with sympathy and concern.

"It's been too long now, you have to try and get on with your life." The words, spoken gently are meant well but they are meaningless. Life without Alex? How could that ever be possible.

I try to explain that Alex has not left, he's just hiding from me. Frightened and hurting and as alone as I am. Walter listens to me, he nods his head but I can see he really does not understand. How can I explain it to him? He does not know Alex like I do.

He will come back, given enough time to recover and forgive. He will come back. All I have to do is wait.

SIX

Time passes, I eat, I drink, I sleep, I wait.

Sometimes I think that I can hear him moving around in the big old barn of a house.

He's here, that much I know. The food I leave out for him always disappears. Dana and Walter tell me that it's the raccoons coming in to steal it off the counter, but that's rubbish. I know it's Alex.

Bottles of beer and cans of soda are taken from the fridge in the middle of the night. Is that the work of raccoons as well?

I tell this to Dana and Walter, they exchange worried glances. They think that I am becoming forgetful, that I am misplacing things but they are wrong.

I know it's Alex. He's here in the house with me, waiting to come out of hiding. And when he does, I will be here waiting for him.

SEVEN

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that Alex was standing beside my bed, whispering something gently. Something of great import. I wake, but he's no longer there.

I close my eyes and weep.

EIGHT

Walter wants me to sell the house and move back to DC with him. He is worried about me. I can see the concern and fear in his eyes.

He and Dana had discussed it one night over at her house. She had agreed that I was spending too much time alone.

I stare at Walter with pure disbelief. Leave this house, leave Alex? I could never do that. This is our home and as long as I know that Alex is here somewhere, I will stay.

Walter listens to my decision and shakes his head sorrowfully. He gets up to leave and I watch him go.

The house is quiet once more. I listen for any sound coming from within the depths of the house. For any sign that Alex is here.

I settle back to wait.

NINE

Years have passed, seasons come and go. The leaves on the trees have turned from green to red, then yellow and back to green once more.

I sit beside the huge bay window. The one that Alex had loved so much. I sit in the old rocker, a blanket draped around my legs, slowly rocking back and forth.

I hear the creak creak of the rocker as it moves back and forth across the floorboards now dull with age. I look down at my hands, gnarled with arthritis, blinking back the tears that constantly cloud my eyes these days.

Distant sounds echo around the house and I close my eyes, listening. He is here, I can hear him.

"Come out come out wherever you are." I whisper in a childlike sing song, the words to an old game.

Suddenly I hear the sound of footsteps across the floor, holding my breath I feel the warm touch of a hand covering mine. Then the moisture of a teardrop falling on my cheek.

"Fox."

I smile at the familiar voice, the gentle contact of skin against skin.

Alex has finally come out of hiding, he has finally come back to me.

I murmur apologies long overdue and hear his whispered forgiveness. And as I feel the weight of his arms around me, I smile.

We are finally together once more.