DISCLAIMER: This is going nowhere. We are not plotting to overthrow the
government. Huh? What? Oh, we're doing Three Goons now. Well... I had
that paper here somewhere... Oh yeah, this has Eva and... stuff in it.
Right? Right?! Guys!
WARNING: We act like ourselves (pretty much), but we are not, by any
means, insane. Urk... must... not... laugh... BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!
BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HA! Hey, I feel better... where was I? Oh
yeah, don't try this at home, or while in a mental institution, work
place, government office, etc.
NOTE: This is a Tag Team self-insertion fan-fiction. One result of this
is this little header, which is written by a different person than the
one who wrote this chapter, who will write a later chapter that I will
have little involvement in besides giving some support to the poor sap
while he tries to fix up the wreck I've made of the storyline.
BUWAHAHAHA!!! I gotta lay off the Dew, I know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The scene opens to show the Goons (those three guys from the last part?
You didn't read the last part? What are you doing here?! Get back there
and read it!!!) wandering through a deserted area at the fringes
Tokyo-3. Everything looks just as Tokyo in their world would look, if
one cleaned up all the trash and washed the buildings and spread
everything out and modernized the roads and... well, it doesn't hardly
anything like the Tokyo from their world.]
[The total absense of human life in the city isn't lost on them either.]
Jared: (yelling at John) My fault?!!
[Then again...]
John: (yelling at Jared) You have the remote!
Jared: But you were the one insisting we watch Eva.
John: (trying to change the subject) So what episode are we in?
Andy: (shrugging) I don't know.
John: Andy! They were your videos! You were putting in the tapes! Don't
you even know which one you put in?!
Andy: Um, no, I wasn't really paying attention.
[While John started searching for a 2x4 to use as a `correction stick,'
Jared tried to take stock.]
Jared: We don't know if we're in Eva. We could be in Ranma or Ghost in
the Shell or Lain or any number of anime's with Japan in it.
John: That's all of them!!!
[Jared got a very concerned look on his face.]
Jared: Everybody pause and pray we aren't in some tentacle porn. In the
meantime, I suggest you two start learning Japanese.
Andy: And what do you think you're going to do?
Jared: Play the completely silent and apparently stupid Ninja sidekick
with incredible martial arts skills.
John: (rolling his eyes) How `bout we play a trio of clueless American
teenagers without passports or knowledge of ten words of the language.
Jared: Hey! (then starts counting something on his fingers) Oh yeah,
only nine for me. I guess you're right. Where are we again?
John: We are in Eva, so I guess we just find someone who speaks English.
Jared: Eva? I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming for the
hills.
[Andy starts kissing the pavement.]
John: ...
Jared: How do you know?
Andy: (getting up) Yeah? How did you figure that out so quickly?
John: (doing some leg stretches and then points behind his friends)
Well--
[Around the Goons, the buildings start dropping into the groud.]
John: (preparing for a good dash) --there's that minor detail. The
buildings are lowering a la Tokyo-3 and _that_ I believe is an Angel.
[Jared and Andy turn to see indeed one of the Angels. Unit-01 appears on
the scene shortly and starts tangling with it. It is soon joined by the
blue and red Evas.]
Jared: (looks at Andy) If we live through this, I am _so_ going to kill
you.
[The two Americans joined their friend in the daunting task of running
as fast as possible in the other direction screaming their fool heads
off.]
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Who was that Masked Man? /
Unfamiliar Everything
--------------------------------------------------
[Deep underground, Major Katsuragi perked up her ears listening to the
external microphones on the Evas, while keeping one eye on the combat
area.]
Misato: (thinking) Sounds like civilians screaming.
Misato: Asuka go over to the park and check for anyone that hasn't made
it to a shelter.
Asuka: (through the comm) Do I look like a recovery crew to you?
Misato: Just do it.
[Unit-02 breaks from the battle with Asuka grumbling the entire way. As
she reaches the park, she notices the figures on the ground and engages
a magnification mechanism built into the plug. Meanwhile, at ground
level...]
Jared: (yelling) It is the goddess!!!
[Back at the base.]
Asuka: (picked up over the comm) I can see three people. They don't look
Japanese to me. One of them is bowing to my Unit-02 though. Probably
nuts or something.
Misato: Well, they aren't in any danger right there, I'll have a med
crew come check them out though. And mind the Angel.
[Ground level...]
John: Andy, quick check, Asuka is American right?
Andy: Actually, I think she's German.
Jared: No, he's right. Asuka is American but with Japanese and German
heritage. She was returning from Germany where she went to school and
lived with her... was it adoptive mother or grandmother?
John: (Getting to the point) So can she understand us?
Jared: Well, you could try swearing at her in English and if she kills
you, John, then we have our answer.
John: Shut up, Jared.
Jared: Bite me.
John: (making threatening advances towards his associate) Maybe I will
this time.
Asuka: (from Unit-02) Um, I think that they'll kill each other before
the med team gets there, Misato.
Jared: Alright, stand back. (turning toward the mecha, and shouting up
the red monstrosity) Hey, hot stuff! How about you, me, a can or two of
whipped cream, some cherries, and a nice private place for the night?
Asuka: (eyes bug out) Uggh! Those PERVERTS!!! I'll kill them myself!!!!
Jared: (innocent, clueless look) Who, me?
John: Where's my baseball bat when I need it?
[As the size 200 foot crashed down next to them, the Americans didn't
even flinch.]
Andy: Successful test?
Jared: Indeed, now how do we survive?
Andy: I propose running and screaming.
Jared: I have no objections.
John: (yelling at Unit-02 and pointing in the direction of the battle)
Shouldn't you be taking care of that Angel?
[The three made tracks.]
Asuka: COME BACK HERE YOU JERKS!!!
Andy: Now what?
Jared: Simple, like that one episode, we wait until Asuka goes down and
get into the plug where it's safe.
John: You mean where you can be close to Asuka.
Jared: Bite me.
John: I don't think that will work.
Jared: Why not?
John: She's already left us alone.
Jared: Damn it I told you guys not to hide!
Andy: Who was screaming 'run for your lives' a few seconds ago?
Jared: Some other pedestrian.
John: Suuuuuuuure. If we managed to get Asuka's attention, then maybe
Misato saw us. (Noticing Jared and Andy starting to drool) She may send
a medical crew out to us in case we may be injured or something.
Andy: So what's the plan?
Jared: Any ideas?.... Aww, who am I talkin' to. It's time to invade
NERV.
Andy: Why?
Jared: I'm bored. We have nothing better to do.
John: Oh, so you want to run from NERV security now?
Jared: I hadn't thought about that...
John: Big surprise.
Jared: Well fine mister smarty pants, how do you propose that we get
into NERV, the most secretive and powerful agency in the United Nations?
John: The American way.
Andy: Buy them out?
Jared: We don't have any yen.
Andy: Well then, I guess that plan was shot down before it took off.
John: I had meant through trickery and deceit.
Andy and Jared: Aaaahhh.
[Minutes pass as the three Americans try to come up with a foolproof
plan. A plan of that type meant that even _they_ couldn't mess it up.
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on any one single plan. Jared wanted
to try and sweet talk his way in. John pointed out that that was how
Asuka became pissed off at them. Andy's plan was to come in a la JSSDF
in "End of Evangelion." John pointed Andy to the fact that they had
neither battleships, tanks, hover gunships, N2 mines, or even Mass
Production Model Evas.]
Andy: Yeah, yeah, but it would be cool if we did have any of those
things.
John: That isn't exactly the best way to win them over.
Jared: Besides if we had MP models, we wouldn't need NERV. We could just
fly back to the States.
Andy: (sarcastically) Ah, Yes. And then we'd be attacked by `our'
military which could kick these wimps' asses from here to Pluto!
Jared: (looking around the corner at the approaching ambulances) Well we
better come up with something quick. John, what's your plan?
[There is a pause. Jared pulls back from the corner and joins Andy in
staring at the John-shaped hole in the air.]
Andy: John?
[The ambulances arrive. Jared and Andy are quickly checked for injuries
and then the medical team and the two start looking for the third.]
[What they come upon is a scene straight from Total Recall. John appears
to be lying in a pool of his own blood in the center of a blast crater.
Saliva is foaming from his mouth as his limbs convulse in odd angles.
The surrounding area is totally destroyed as broken pipes drip onto
frayed wires causing small sparks.]
Jared: I can't leave you alone for two seconds!
Andy: Dibs on his hat!
[The medics rushed over to John and carefully secured his twitching body
in a gurney. Andy snatched the hat as John's semi-corpse passed like a
grave robber and tried it on, only to toss it back because it didn't
fit. The medics filed them all into the ambulances heading back towards
NERV headquarters. Jared suddenly realized the extent of the situation
in a rare moment of sane intelligence.]
Jared: (thinking) Holy cow, John mysteriously getting killed is going to
get us into NERV!
Andy: (thinking) ... (outloud) So if John dies, who gets his stereo?
[This brings to mind the image of one of them dying in the desert and
the others descending on their fallen comrade like vultures to use his
shin bones for flutes. Though, none of them could play, nor had any use
for a flute.]
----------
[It was in record time that John was dumped on a hospital bed several
levels deep into NERV. The battle had been won and as far as the two
conscious members could ascertain, and Asuka and her Eva were reasonably
well.]
Jared: (in a sage voice) Perhaps we three stones have altered this
mighty river's path.
Andy: (in a Yoda voice) Hmmm, change good, but know this, beware the
dark side of Eva. Strong, it is.
John: (Suddenly sitting up acting perfectly healthy) Vultures.
[Jared and Andy scream and assume Little Takahashi Devil Pose #35: We've
been discovered!]
Andy: John! You're alive!
Jared: How'd you do that, man?!
John: (spitting out an antacid tablet from his mouth) Sorry, trade
secret.
Andy: And Asuka didn't lose as far as we can tell.
John: Oh my God! We've changed the entire plot of Eva!
[Authors: (breath a sigh of relief)]
Andy: (to no one in particular) You bastards!
John: (ignoring Andy) So, did it work? Are we in NERV?
Jared: Hell yeah.
John: (assuming a Montgomery Burns pose) Excellent.
[John's pleasure is cut short when he notices a tube sticking out of his
arm. His eyes follow the tube up to an IV bag with the Japanese name of
a powerful sedative.]
John: < -_- > This isn't good.
[The drugs begin to take effect and John passes out for real this time,
occasionally coming to spouting quotes from random works of literature.]
Jared: Well, crisis diverted.
Andy: Now what do we do?
Jared: (without missing a beat) Panic.
Andy: Hmm?
John: (slurred singing) A vury murry un-berfday to you...
Andy: Oh _that_.
[_That_ was the entrance of three of the four main babes of the series.]
[Jared had been trying, really trying to follow the advice of John,
before that little incident with the medical technicians, but he was
never one for following anyone's advice but his. So what if he was going
to put his foot in his mouth a few dozen times, it'll happen anyway, so
best not to be afraid of it.]
[He didn't have to think any further, because at that point, three
people he knew better than he had any right to walked into the room.
Asuka was looking red, in places other than her plugsuit, Misato was...
well, pissed off. Ritsuko didn't seem perturbed at all, just watching
Jared and Andy like a hawk, of course.]
Jared: Ah... hello.
Misato:
Jared: Sorry babe, I only know about five words worth of Japanese, not
counting food and cars.
[Asuka glared a bit. Then she glared a bit more. Jared smiled hugely and
Andy put his head in his hands, subtly moving away from Jared, lest he
get caught up in the crossfire.]
Asuka: (grumbling) I'm translating.
Jared: A pleasure, Ms. Sohryu, as always.
Misato: (harshly)
Jared: (cutting Asuka out before she could translate) An explanation?
Sure.
[Misato narrows her eyes. Asuka had barely opened her mouth when Jared
cut her off, and decides to just look angrily in his general direction
while trying to ignore him.]
Jared: We have no idea how we got here, but the last thing I clearly
remember before we showed up outside of Tokyo-3 was stupid here -
(indicating Andy) - putting the next Eva tape in the VCR. There was some
special effects, then WHAMMO! We're in Tokyo-3. Actually, we weren't
sure which Tokyo this was at first, but I guess we're lucky, eh?
[Silence.]
[More silence.]
John: WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT!!! LET'S GET READY TO
RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!!
[Everyone in the room pauses to blink at the drugged teenager.]
Misato:
Asuka: (grinning) Misato says to cut the shit or she'll shoot you in the
kneecap.
Andy: (leaning into view) Which one?
Jared: Not now, Andy.
Andy: < ^_^ > Well if it's my left kneecap I wouldn't mind as much.
Jared: I said not now, Andy.
[Misato and Ritsuko grow sweatdrops as Asuka translates the aside
conversation for them.]
Misato:
Asuka: (smiling evilly) Now she says she'll just shoot you in the
nuts... Both of them. (Andy backs away quickly) So spit it out.
[Andy was pressed up against the wall, eyeing the nearby vent cover with
a look of longing as Jared (fearless, as usual) prepared to partake in
the age-old Waddell practice of seeing just how far his foot would fit
down his throat before he was knocked unconscious. Or maybe he just had
a death wish, or had gone insane from their little jump in. Of course,
this was Jared, his sanity was never in question.]
[He just never had any to begin with.]
Jared: (to Asuka) I assure you personally that what fallows is nothing
but the complete truth. While I would like nothing better to whisk you
personally away for an evening to wine and dine, then fuck your brains
out, I have more pressing matters to attend to.
[Asuka is livid, and Ritsuko looks just a little bit pale. John begins
mumbling something in his stupor, vaguely making gestures of
indeterminate intent, most likely reenacting the swordfight in Hamlet.]
Jared: (continuing, unfazed by his audience's response) Namely,
surviving. I take it living here with no identity, no history, no
records and no one to trust can't be a good thing, so it's your help I
need. Soon, however, I believe it's my help that you'll be needing.
[Andy was looking at the room's only door, then to John's bed,
calculating how long it (or John) would hold out as a piece of makeshift
armor when Asuka went ballistic.]
[Asuka was already reaching her mallet when the final sentence hit her
flaming brain. She let go of the semi-materialized weapon. It was
perfect for pounding down perverts, but she was really going to need
both hands free if she was going to choke him to death.]
[Jared dealt with the situation in the best way he could, blocking and
dodging precariously, he swiftly removed John from the hospital bed and
used it as a long-range weapon, keeping Asuka at bay while Misato called
security and Andy tried to hide behind Ritsuko.]
[Somehow, a flicker of intelligence graced Jared's mind while he was
dodging various kicks Asuka was sending his way. He did have the
presence of mind to cover John, who was far from capable of regaining
the vertical anytime soon, so he decided to enact his plan.]
Jared: NINJA VANISH!
[Click.]
[Andy hit the lights, Asuka screamed in frustration, and chaos ensued.]
John: Half a league, half a league, half a league onward. Into the
valley of death rode the six hundred.
[By the time Ritsuko hit the switch (three seconds even), two of the
three Americans had indeed disappeared. They couldn't have very well
left the room, opening the door would have let light in from the hall.
The vent grate on the wall was open, but it was the sound of strained
curses that drew the attention of the three women in the room to the
ceiling, where Jared was hanging by his fingernails, and Andy, who was
wedged into a corner, gripping conduit outcroppings.]
John: Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I
shall fear no evil for Asuka is in pursuit and that Valley's looking
mighty fine in comparison.
Jared and Andy: Amen, brotha.
[Presently, they managed to untangle Asuka from the remains of the bed,
brought in a new one, and found someone else with the security clearance
to translate, in the form of NERV heartthrob, Roji Kaji. Jared just sat
in the back with his two broken fingers and made small talk with John
while Andy just did a recap of what had happened since they arrived. No
one had yet removed the IV from John's arm.]
Jared: This is crazy.
John: (mouth taped shut by Asuka) Mmmrghff.
Jared: I know, but some more work and it'll work. Have some faith!
John: MmmRRRRghhhummm.
Jared: Well, at least I thought it would work. Man, she is short
tempered.
John: MmmmMMmmmm.
Jared: Yeah, maybe if I wasn't such a per-- HEY! This is all Andy's
fault anyhow, what did he do to that VCR?
[John's reply was cut off as Andy whisked the bed out from John and
slammed it into the side of Jared's head before returning to his
explanation.]
John: Mmmmnnnmmnnmnmrrrr.
Kaji: Isn't anyone going to unhook that kid from the bag?
Andy: (looks at John, looks at the bag, looks at John) No.
[Misato shook her head. Asuka shook her head. Ritsuko shook her head.
Jared woke up and shook his head. John leapt to his feet in a muffled
quotation from Braveheart. In doing so he accidentally knocked the tube
out himself and passed out again. Kaji shrugged.]
Kaji: Hey Rit-chan, how long will the kid be out now?
Ritsuko: It may be a while. He's taken in a lot. I don't know how he
survived the explosion with no loss of limb, no burn marks, nothing. He
was just twitching and was covered in blood. It's the oddest thing.
Jared: Um, from the looks you're giving John there, I would assume
you're wondering what happened to him.
Kaji: Among other things.
Andy: Somehow John has hired Hollywood's greatest propmen and recreated
a scene out of Total Recall in under fifteen seconds.
[Everyone stared at Andy, occasionally glancing at John.]
Jared: I don't think so. Somehow John came up with a pint of movie
blood, found a nearby location damaged from a missed round from the
pistols the Evas use and made like Prince's career.
Misato: (translated by Kaji) And does John usually carry around pints of
human blood?
Andy: Only when he needs to.
Jared: Seriously? You've known him longer than I have.
Andy: Actually, I have no idea where John got the blood from.
Jared: (pointing at Misato) Wait, you said human blood?!
Misato: (nodding)
[Jared licks his lips, causing the others in the room to stare at him.
He ignores the looks and returns to normal, remaining quiet. Several
minutes pass.]
Ritsuko: (translated) His same blood type. If it was corn syrup of
something similar, we'd have detected it, but the only thing we couldn't
find was the wound.
Andy: (to John's unconscious body) You slick SOB.
[Misato's cellphone rang. She answered it quickly.]
Misato: Moshi moshi? (straightening up on reflex before continuing)
(Japanese).
Andy: (whispering to Jared) Must be Gendo on the line.
Jared: (whispering to Andy) Don't you just love the way, her jacket
parts and her tits stick out when she comes to attention?
Kaji: (whispering to both of them) Item one, all you get to do is enjoy
the view. Item two, I'm probably under too much stress right now, but I
actually believe your story.
Misato:
Kaji: ?
Ritsuko: ?!
Asuka: !!!
Andy: I suspect `baka' is a term of mutual respect.
Misato: (shrugging)
Ritsuko: (sitting down with her head in her hands)
Andy: (waving his arms) Heeellloooo? Are we suddenly invisible?!
Asuka: !
Misato:
Kaji: ?
Ritsuko:
Kaji: Well fellas, I don't know who you are, but it seems that you made
quite an impression on the old man. Welcome to NERV.
[As the two conscious Americans began a celebratory dance, Asuka reached
for another mallet.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
End Episode 1
Next Episode: (John Voice Over) (cue intelligible sounds) askh kjnn,
wkeon... a jkl jihe andfweweoon nnskn ppwk k knfn af. Lkkn .... kehish k
ke nnk sooqqp snndkkf. Lassshe kdif xcv neiso? Hskek skahieo loovleks
abrosondk sohhjwk apmn zbcqoojdjoemem she mmks eh dooooojdne insnk
e. Htkj sniahkhe he wookandk wo... TSH TIOSK ENNS EOHTHSO!!!
Ver 1.0 Jul 6, 2001
(
geocities.com/rick_spiff)