DISCLAIMER: Set in the world of Neon Genesis: Evangelion. We are ours.
Eva and it's characters, settings, situations, etc. are not ours. Clear?
Good. This isn't for money, so we are depriving ourselves for your sake.
Thankful? NO?!! WHY YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE--!!!
WARNING: Foul language. Er... maybe. Creative License started the French
Revolution, we're just borrowing it here.
NOTE: This is a Tag Team self-insertion fan-fiction. Which means we
spend most of the fic alternately annoying fictional characters and
trying to kill each other... or is it the other way around. In any case,
we are not held by any reasonable plot. Hell, we're not held by any plot
at all. If you want a series fateful to Eva, read........ Hmm... go read
the Eva scripts, Fanfiction is something else entirely.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Burning buildings light the cityscape in a hellish glow of red and
orange. Tangled wrecks that used to be tanks, guns, and fields of
burning flesh that were once called soldiers dot the battlefield while a
towering monstrosity painted gray gunmetal death stands alone in the
center of crater a thousand meters across.]
Andy: RRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVA 04: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Unit-03 and Unit-05, containing Andy's only link to his own world, and
his two greatest rivals, John and Jared, stand at the edge of the
crater. The shoulder restraints of the two units bulge outward
grotesquely, spider-webs of Angel nerve cells showing in the city's
fiery glow. In the far background, the JSSDF stands aside of the
three-way clash of the titans, content with merely invading NERV HQ, and
contemplating their chances against just one of the Evas... and not
liking them.]
[Unit-04, meanwhile, is going into "Godzilla mode."]
Andy: BUUHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! IT'S TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF!!!!
[Eva 04 explodes into motion, it metal-shod feet thundering across the
battlefield, closing rapidly with Unit-03. As the man-made Golem closes
with its Angelic target, it reaches behind its back and grabs an object
with its right hand. A pole comes free, extends, and in an instant, the
progressive scythe is activated. Within the next second, it is
descending towards 03's head, the blade vibrating millions of times per
second. Its arc concludes with deadly force, stopping mere centimeters
from the hideous grinning visage of the possessed Unit-03, which is
blocking with an appropriately massive Murasume.]
Andy: SON OF A !!!!!
[Units 03 and 04 suddenly become a blurring nightmare of destruction and
chaos as their progressive weapons slam into each other with murderous
force hundreds of times in countless techniques in barely a second's
time. Buildings and pavement alike are crushed by the insane typhoon of
the dueling titans, who smash, slice, skewer, and otherwise completely
obliterate the remaining landscape around the wreckage that used to be
Tokyo-3.]
Andy: (pointing) AN OPENING!!!!!
Unit-03: (looking wildly) HUUUHHH???
[Andy quickly takes advantage of his own distraction and cuts deep into
Unit-03's chest. A massive fireball engulfs the two EVA's as 03's S2
organ goes supercritical, taking the infected EVA, it's pilot, and a
nice chunk of Tokyo-3 with it into the upper atmosphere. As the
superheated air around the blast crater clears, EVA-04 becomes visible,
unmarred, sheathing it's scythe.]
Andy: (vulture mode) I'll take his fanfics, his movies, his TV, and the
Unreal Tournament game. BUWAHAHAHA-- (looks over his shoulder) OH,
SHIT!!!!
[EVA-04 launches itself into the sky, barely dodging a charging Unit-05
in time.]
Andy: NOW I'm in trouble!!
[EVA-05, having halted, now extends it own wings and launches into a
homicidal pursuit of Unit-04 through the blood red and smoke choked
skies of Tokyo-3.]
Andy: (sweating bullets) think, stay calm, (dodges mad swing from
EVA-05, dives) Think, Think, THINK, THI--GUNS!!!!
[The ninth symphony's Ode to Joy section revs to full force. There is an
electronic hum as a pair of Automatic Palette Pistol and thrust into the
Eva's hand by armatures hidden in the arm gauntlets. A hum matched by
05. The sky erupts in the sounds of thunderous gunfire as both giants
weave and dodge in John Woo style, trying desperately to kill one
another and look damn cool while doing it.]
[Only a dozen seconds later, EVA-04 has been hit several times, and so
has 05. Inside 04's entry plug, a single message glared suddenly,
indicating that the specially designed missiles in the shoulders have
locked onto their target and are armed and ready.]
[The shoulder guards of 04 snapped open and unleashed a salvo of homing
rockets at 05. The Hornet missiles impact just as 05's rocket ports
open, filled with armed rockets. The resulting mid-air explosion is like
a portal to hell being opened above the earth. 05 plummets helplessly
from the inferno towards the ground, its body torn and blackened, its
wings twisted stumps. It slams into several skyscrapers and its S2 goes
supercritical, taking another large chunk of the city with it.]
Andy: BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!! THE
WINNER!!!! HAHAHA........ HUH???
[Around the EVA, a HUGE force of JSSDF hovergunships, tanks, fighter,
bombers, and armored transport had moved in, and in the distance he
could see thirteen giant flying wings with horribly familiar white
oblongs beneath them. EVA 04 calmly lands, stores its pistols, draws it
scythe, and launches itself towards it enemies, intent on taking them
all down with it.]
Andy: BUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
[The plug shudders.]
Andy: BUHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAAA!!!!!
Ritsuko: (faintly heard) Andy?
[The plug shudders more forcefully.]
Andy: (wash, rinse, repeat)
Ritsuko: (louder) Andy!
[The world begins to shake.]
Ritsuko: (Screaming) ANDY!!!!!!!
[The world shook violently, then dissolved.]
Andy: Huh? Wha?
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Rats in a maze /
Sure we Want the Stinking Badges
--------------------------------------------------
John: You fell asleep again. CONCENTRATE!!!
Ritsuko: < -_- > Jared, it was not necessary to use a sledgehammer to
wake up Andy.
Jared: But it was fun.
Ritsuko: It's against regulations to--
Jared: But it was [fun].
Ritsuko: < O_O;;; > Okay, okay.
John: Hoo-boy.
Andy: (rising from the plug like a vengeful ghost) You're a dead man!!!
[Jared takes up a Bruce Lee-esque martial arts stance, thumbing his
nose.]
Jared: Bring it on!
----------
[The Day Before....]
[The Americans are being led down a hall for another test. Kaji follows
Ritsuko to translate.]
John: (still not completely there due to sedative, sounding hopeful)
What's next? Fluid sample? Alien probes? Limb rearrangement? Mind
control?
Jared: Bring it on!!! Whatever you got, I can take it!
Andy: (Eyeing escape routes thoughtfully) Hmm...
Ritsuko: Don't be silly; it's just the psychiatric evaluation.
[The three goons stop dead. Silence.]
Andy: (screaming) AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
John: (screaming) FUUUUBBBBAAAAAARRRRRREEEEDDDD!!!!!
Jared: (panicked) NINJA VANISH REVISED: TITANIC BREAKUP!!!!!!!
[Andy, at those words, dives headlong a mesh grate set low in floor that
he hopes is a ventilation cover. He is correct, and the vent is large
enough to travel in. Straight down, that is.]
Andy: (plummeting into abyss) OHHH, SHHHIIIIITTTTT!!!!! .... OUCH, OOF!
YAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[John, still drugged, follows Andy's example by diving, though his
choice of direction leaves something to be desired. He knocks himself
out running headfirst into the wall, only inches from the door.]
Jared: (deer in headlights look, chanting) This isn't so bad, this isn't
so bad, this isn't so bad.... (faints)
Ritsuko: (sighs, into a two-way radio) Clean up on level 5 and 16. Bring
first aid kits... and a mop.
----------
[Later, Misato, Ritsuko, and Kaji, have one of the Americans in a padded
room, with the others waiting outside. Ritsuko has a standard clipboard with notes on it.]
[Note: Most of the dialoge here is translated by the two bilingual
characters present. Don't think Kaji's bilingual? Join the Navy and see
if they like you speaking Japanese on an American or British boat.]
[Ritsuko and John.]
Ritsuko: (translated through Kaji) Ok, John, this is going to be painless.
John: (translated through Kaji) I hardly doubt that, I've had one of
these before.
Ritsuko: How are you feeling?
John: I can see sounds and feel like I'm getting born in reverse as my
mind spirals into madness. (sarcastically) I'm just peachy, Doctor.
Ritsuko: (thinking) That's some powerful shit we pumped into him. But
that dosage would've killed a blue whale. (scribbles in her clipboard,
then answers John) Ooooooookay, well we'll keep that in consideration.
----------
[Ritsuko now talking to Jared.]
Ritsuko: Ok, Jared, this isn't going to be anything to worry about.
Jared: (sarcasm evident) Really? Oh, reeeeaaaally... (gets up, starts
pacing around) Is that what you think, doctor? Is this just going to be
a walk in the park for me? Just another step in a long, pointless road
to nowhere? (the doctor opens her mouth but Jared plows ahead) Another
litany in life, an adventure of petty mistakes, errors and missteps?
You think is going to be another amusing little heart-to-heart chat
where I tell you everything that went wrong with my life starting with
my parents--which by the way, this did all start with, but I'm not
going to talk about that... where was I?
Ritsuko & Kaji: < O_O;;; > ...
Jared: Oh yes, you want to TALK, to me, doctor? Disarm with a tender
smile? I'm not telling anything! I will say nothing! You'll NEVER
conquer ME!!!!
Jared: (breathing heavily... long pause...) I'm sorry, what was the
question?
Ritsuko: (As if out of a daze) How are you feeling?
Jared: I have a headache and I really, REALLY need a drink. Any other
excessively stupid questions?
Ritsuko: Yes, in fact. Any reason you're acting like an asshole?
----------
[Cut to Andy and the doc.]
Andy: How am I feeling? (looks thoughtful) In a word, trapped. I have
the overwhelming urge to burst through the door and subdue the guards.
Ritsuko: Only I can have them open the door.
Andy: Then I subdue your first, then have them open the doors. Then
there's the third possibility, but we probably don't want that.
Ritsuko: (eyebrow twitches slightly) .... Any particular reason you're
acting like an asshole?
Andy: Is it just me, or is the local Bullshit level going through the
roof. (points at Ritsuko) I'm not piloting mecha right now. I want to
pilot mecha right now. Do we have a problem or do we have a [problem]?
----------
[Ritsuko is looking worriedly at John.]
John: The little bunny you put in me is to blame, vermon. Send your
armies of glowing rats away, away! I SAY, AWAY!
----------
[Cut to Jared.]
Jared: We will kill you all. That is all I have to say.
[Ritsuko frowns in the silence and make a noisy mark on her clipboard.]
----------
[And jump back to Andy.]
Ritsuko: What is the third possibility you mentioned?
Andy: I create a distraction, I dive under the table, under you, and
through the vent grate behind you.
Ritsuko: < -_- > And drop thirty stories straight down, most likely
injuring yourself AGAIN.
Andy: That would by a major difficulty in my plans, but I believe I
could still drag myself to an unused portion of the Facility, healing
and regaining my strength, and eventually becoming.... (begins sounding
strangely distorted) ... an immortal super-assassin that will slowly
eliminate your entire staff.... One dead body at a time....
----------
[Out in the hall.]
John: Jared... why are you holding a flaming voodoo doll?
----------
[Ritsuko trying to be calm with John.]
Ritsuko: Ok, something simple. If you could be any animal, what would
you be and why?
John: A carnivorous duck.
Ritsuko: < o_o; > That species doesn't exist.
John: (pointing at an empty corner) Then what's that?!
Ritsuko: < -_-; > I'll skip the why part.
----------
[Andy.]
Ritsuko: If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
Andy: A Chipicabra, The Central American Devil. So I could terrorize
helpless goat farmers leaving only a trail of fear and suspicious
livestock.
Ritsuko: < o_o;;; > ....
----------
[In the Hall.]
Jared: John, how many times do I have to say not to try to use telepathy
on Andy?!
----------
[Ritsuko with Jared. Misato is present as well, looking nervous.]
Ritsuko: If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
Jared: < ^_^ > A cat.
Ritsuko: (sighs in relief) Any particular kind?
Jared: < ^_^ > A normal house cat.
Ritsuko: < -_- > Why?
Jared: < ^_^ > Being a cat isn't so bad, let me demonstrate.
[He proceeds to rub against Misato's leg.]
Misato: (growling) Get him out of here, NOW!
----------
[Back in the hall, Jared comes flying through the closed door.]
Andy: Hitting on Misato?
John: That cat has a death wish.
Andy: Is that a voodoo doll? Let me see.
[John hands over the doll.]
----------
[Jared and Ritsuko again, with the Major absent this time.]
Ritsuko: (thinking) I'm not sure I want to ask this one, and I'm NOT
asking that one... (out loud) What is your favorite color and why?
Jared: < -_- > No real particular preference. Maybe the blue color of my
e.......... (monotone, mechanical voice) Blood red.
Ritsuko: ......... And why?
Jared: (blinks) Huh? Oh, it just looks cool.
Ritsuko: (suspicious) Uh... Huh.
----------
[Ritsuko talking to John.]
Ritsuko: What is your--no. Hey, I'll use this one. (eyes John, then
Misato, who is standing in again) What is your sexual preference?
[Ritsuko listened to the response for several minutes, then dutifully
wrote `cheesecake' in the answer box.]
Ritsuko: And your favorite color?
John: Mauve, the lovely name of a girl I once knew on beta seven....
Ritsuko: < -_-; > Moving along...
----------
[Andy and Ritsuko.]
Ritsuko: (thinking) Let it end quickly. (out loud) What is your favorite
color?
Andy: < ^_^ > Bright orange.
Ritsuko: Why?
Andy: < ^_^ > Because it's very annoying.
Ritsuko: And?
Andy: < ^_^ > It's not whether I win or lose, but how much I piss you
off.
[Ritsuko writes `indistinct answer' on her sheet.]
Ritsuko: Ok, (mutters "God help us") What would you do if you could
pilot an Eva?
Andy: What wouldn't I do!!!! (pause) Lemme rephrase that, I'd apply for
a position as Angel of Death and open up a tanker full of Whoop-ass on
the populace. Every one would bow to me!!!!
[Ritsuko writes down "Normal American."]
----------
[Ritsuko and John talking, Misato present again.]
Ritsuko: What would you do if you could pilot an Eva?
John: (grins [E_V_I_L_L_Y])
[Ritsuko runs out of the room hyperventilating. She's quickly joined by
Kaji and Misato, who are as white as ghosts.]
Misato: < 0_0 > Don't ask the pervert that question.
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > What would you do if you could pilot an Eva? NO!! I
mean, uh-
Jared: < -_- > Intimidate people, look cool, pick up chicks. Kick enough
ass to keep the entire city on its feet for three weeks. That sort of
thing. (blinks) Hey, whadda mean, 'pervert'?!
----------
[Ritsuko finally back in the same room as John.]
Ritsuko: Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?
John: In general or a particular person, such as the garbage man?
Ritsuko: Do you have something against garbage men?
John: They make more money than I do.
Ritsuko: You're too young to have a job.
John: In this world....
Ritsuko: (rolls her eyes) Next question.
----------
[Jared is rubbing a spot on the desk while Ritsuko eyes him over the top
of her chart, frowning.]
Ritsuko: Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?
Jared: Daily or just in passing?
Ritsuko: (listens to translation, starts) Um.... Moving along.
Jared: No. This is an interesting question. Let us... discuss it. (a
frightening grin spreads across his face, bringing to mind bear traps
snapping shut on the legs of an unsuspecting hiker) What about YOU
doctor? Have you ever considered killing your manipulative lover?!!
[Ritsuko's mouth drops open.]
Jared: What about your worthless mother, who resides within the memory
of the computer systems you are kept with maintaining?
Ritsuko: < o_o;;; > I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jared: I'm TALKING ABOUT THE TRUTH! Sound familiar, `Doctor'?!
Ritsuko: < o_o > Next question.
Jared: Let's talk about those EVAS for while, why don't we? What about
the SOULS THEY STEAL?!!
Ritsuko: Restrain him please.
Kaji: (translating) Restrain him... Oh, you mean me restrain him.
Jared: You're just afraid of the reality you've created! Gods, woman,
what about morals? What about bathing suits? WHAT ABOUT CHEESE?!! You're
just afraid of the truth, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! (looks
thoughtful) Oh, that last one's out of a movie. (sits down, instantly
calm) What's the next question?
[Ritsuko makes a quick note: Keep under observation 24/7.]
----------
[Finally asking Andy the dreaded question.]
Ritsuko: Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?
Andy: Who doesn't? Well, only in public places, really. Besides, it's
not like MY boss is trying to end the world or anything. (folds his arms
over his chest)
Kaji: (asks Ritsuko, in Japanese) What are these guys talking about?
Ritsuko: < o_o; > They're snowing us.
Kaji: (satisfied) Ah.
----------
[John, hopefully for the last time.]
Ritsuko: (looking very tired) Ok, this is the last question.
John: (calmly) It's never the "last question," doctor. As soon as you
ask this question there will be a million more, Of the likes of, "That
wasn't so bad, now was it?" and "Do you want fries with that?" Not to
forget, "Are the drugs wearing off yet?!"
Ritsuko: _Are_ the drugs wearing off yet?
John: (still calm) No. And tell that Cabbit on your shoulder to stop
staring at me or I'll rip its ears off and shove them up its ass.
Ritsuko: < -_-; > I see.
John: (casually) No, you don't, because you are not under the influence.
If you did see, you'd be hauled away to the funny farm. Now, was that
your question or did you have something else in mind?
Ritsuko: Do you have any wild conspiracy theories to throw at us?
John: Several but facts not theories. Would you prefer Business,
pleasure, or personal?
Ritsuko: Let's go with business.
John: Very well, Pilots, Personnel, Projects, or Facilities?
Ritsuko: Facilities, if you don't mind.
John: You have 26 layers of armor, though that is hardly enough for some
of the later Angels you'll be facing, made of mainly Titanium. This
facility is at the floor of the GeoFront, but it really is the Black
Moon, The Egg at the center of the world. You can launch the Evas
anywhere in the Geofront or up in Tokyo-3. You have weapons hidden in
buildings up there, `Armaments Buildings' you call them. Also defenses,
but they never work. This facility goes down several dozen levels into
what is referred to as `Terminal Dogma' where... well I'll just say that
you are none too fond of marshmallows.... The floor is soaked with LCL,
a blood tasting, breathable liquid, its hallways lead to other rooms, a
mass graveyard and also a storage facility to one of your `projects.'
But that's a different question and you promised only one. Good day to
you all and don't worry, those dinosaurs will leave after a
while. (stands and leaves)
[Misato and Kaji look at Ritsuko. She draws in a small comment box a
screw and a baseball.]
----------
[Finally, Jared.]
Ritsuko: (_extremely_ tired now) One last question and this session is
over.
Jared: Aaaaaawwwww. Kill joy.
Misato: (interrupting) Anything else you would like to add?
Ritsuko: (nods, it's a fair question)
Jared: (Tips his head down, looking suddenly very dangerous, speaks in a
deadly calm voice) I am the Alpha and the Omega. You will bow before
me. (returns to normal) Aaah, any Dew in this place?
----------
[And the last Goon, Andy.]
Ritsuko: (about to have nervous breakdown) Okay, Andy this is the LAST
question.
Andy: Ok, Shoot.
Ritsuko: (enjoys the thought but does not give in) Do you have anything
to add?
Andy: It smells in here. You should switch to a different
antiperspirant. That is all.
----------
[Another time, another place.]
Jared: What the fuck is this stuff? I can't read Japanese!
[Unfortunately, still in Tokyo-3.]
Andy: I think it might be edible.
[And, of course, still in NERV.]
John: It's either Japanese food or toxic waste. Neither can harm you and
both are glowing right now.
Jared: < o_o; > I... won't ask. When are we getting our test results
back?
John: We don't. It's for their records.
Jared: Damn, and that was some of my best stuff!
Andy: (covertly pulls out the voodoo doll, whispers to himself) Oh, you
ain't seen nothin' yet.
----------
[Gendo's office. Not the most pleasant of places, but even Gendo has a
soft spot for some people.]
Ritsuko: He was like a giant ant!
[Such as very stressed out doctors done dealing with Americans.]
Gendo: I'm sure your evaluation may be slightly colored by their...
excitability.
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > You weren't IN there, Gendo! They CAN'T BE HUMAN!
Gendo: < -_-; > Urk. Dr. Akagi, please let go of my collar.
[Ritsuko lets go slowly, her fingers still curled into claws.]
Ritsuko: (sipping tea offered by Gendo) They're maniacs. If they can
fight as well as they talk in circles, we're saved.
Gendo: The actions of Man do not save, only destroy.
Ritsuko: Do you always talk in riddles?
Gendo: Only in the afternoons. What about their possible use as
disposable Eva pilots?
Ritsuko: Eva pilots?
Gendo: Can they survive piloting Evas?
Ritsuko: They could barely survive the tests!
Gendo: < -_- > Is that a yes or a no?
Ritsuko: Don't fuck with me on this Gendo, if you put them in Evas, no
force on earth could stop them.... Except for cheese, Chipicabras or
illegal drugs.
Gendo: (raises eyebrow) Oh?
Ritsuko: Uh, never mind.
Gendo: (to himself) But we only have a few Chipicabras left.
Ritsuko: (stares at Gendo)
Gendo: < o_o;;; > Did I say that out loud?
Ritsuko: (nods once, slowly)
Gendo: Ah, heh. (resumes normal poise) Irrelevant. Forget what I just
said.
Ritsuko: Agreed. I'll forget everything you've said.
----------
[The pilots have been pushed aside--er, been taken care of for the
night, under NERV guard in a local hotel within the city. Guards
surrounded the building for a dozen city blocks, barely visible and
covered from head to toe in body armor. These are not the silly guys
that guard the insides of NERV, these are the elite soldiers you DO NOT
FUCK WITH.]
[Inside the hotel room, three equally dangerous people are crowded in a
hotel room.]
John: Have any threes?
Jared: Go fish.
Andy: (picking open the blinds) They're still out there.
Jared: And they were there five minutes ago. And they'll still be there
when you look again in another five minutes.
John: Unless another one floats through the wall.
Jared: < o_o;;; looks at John> Riiiight.
Andy: I'm just saying this security is an honor.
John: What?
Andy: Well, we must have done well in the tests if we rated for the best
of the faceless minions. Who knows, someday well may well rate
Hovergunships, armored divisions, and maybe, just maybe, an N2 bomber on
stand-by to make sure we NEVER escape and wreak havoc.
Jared: Never happen. Even we aren't that good.
[Lightening suddenly illuminates the room.]
John: Rain tonight.
Andy: Do you hear something?
Jared: That humming?
John: I've heard it before.... A high-pitched whine at this altitude
could only mean....
[Andy rips open the shudders and excitedly waves at the cockpits of the
ten Hovergunships floating outside. He can barely make out the pilots
nervously waving back. The ships back away a few dozen yards.]
Andy: (closing the window, looking very satisfied) Never happen huh?
Jared: Co-incidence. It must be a co-incidence. I know we aren't that
good.
John: Then again we did leak all that information about NERV and SEELE
and stuff that may have never happened yet. After all, we don't even
know what episode we're in.
Andy: Just forget about the damn episode number!!
John: Just because you forgot....
Andy: I did not forget!!! I just wasn't paying attention.
Jared: The red-haired goddess is here, so we're past the sixth Angel,
that's episode 8.
John: (looking at a unicorn in the bathroom) Unit-01 was still on
Umbilical Cable so we're not at the 14th Angel, that's episode 19.
Jared: (trying to follow John's look) That's still a big spread, what
did the angel look like?
Andy: (thinking) I don't know, I was trying to figure out what I could
take from the abandoned stores.
Andy: It was big?
John: (thinking in his drugged mind) (static) Goat. Fish. Venetian
blinds. Kangaroos. Yes. No. I don't know, I was running for my life at
the time. Cards. Isaac Newton. George Burns. Manhole cover. (static)
John: It was big?
Jared: (thinking) I don't know, I was trying to figure out how to get
Asuka out of that Eva.
Jared: It was big?
John: Well that's... pathetic. (stern glare at the door) Quit drinking
out of the toilet you damn Zebra!!
Andy: (to Jared) How long did they say he'd be like this?
Jared: Rest of the night.
Andy: Can't we tie him up or something?
Jared: Nah, he's harmless.
John: Hey, there are video games on this TV!!
[And there was much rejoicing.]
----------
[Ritsuko paced her line in front of the pilots, a stern but weathered
look on her face, like she was only facing the day to prove a pointless
point. To Jared, it looked like a beached jellyfish waiting to die. To
Andy, it looked like a professional under siege. To John, it looked like
a kindred soul. What he'd thus far pried from Andy and Jared wasn't much
helpful in reconstructing the previous day's events--post I.V. pole. The
part that worried him most was the `test' where he remembered having to
write a fifty million word essay. He deduced that it wasn't physically
possible to write fifty million words in a day, but something about the
endless stream of characters struck a chord in him.]
[He shook his head. It was the kanji characters, Jared had said. Like
reading backwards and upside-down Arabic while drunk.]
Ritsuko: (translated by Misato) We're basically just going to see if you
can interface with the Evas using our test system.
[To their credit, the American's didn't snicker when Misato stumbled
over several words. Kaji claimed he had other things to do, and Asuka
hadn't been seen all day (at least not by the goons). Ritsuko had claimed
she had enough on her mind than to bother trying to translate herself.]
Jared: We shooting anything today?
[A pause while Misato translated.]
Ritsuko: Gods I hope not.
[Ritsuko walks off.]
Andy: Now we do the plugs suits, right?
John: I'm not up for this.
Jared: Was that a yes or a no?
John: So, about those tests...
Jared: (best Buggsy impression) Forgedaboutit.
John: Now, I'm worried.
----------
[The changing room wasn't anything new to them.]
Andy: It's just like in the anime.
[A baseball bat bounces off Andy's head.]
Jared: Of COURSE it's like the anime. We're IN the ANIME!
Andy: I heard you the first time!
John: Shut up!
Jared: NEVER!
[Shinji walks in, turns around, then leaves.]
Andy: DIE HELLSPAWN!
[The three dissolve into a tangle of limbs.]
----------
[Twenty minutes later, in testing area.]
Misato: (tapping her foot) What's taking them so long?
Ritsuko: Probably just nervous. (pauses to think about it) Naah.
Misato: Here they are... what the?
[The pilots are adorned in plug suits, black eyes, and all are limping
slightly. Jared's nose is bleeding and Andy has a nice cut over his
eye.]
Misato: Maybe I don't want to know what happened. Andy first, in the
plug, big guy. Asuka, you're staying here.
[Jared's ears perk up. Asuka stands up from behind a console across the
room.]
Asuka: (mumbling to herself) Good thing they're behind armored glass.
Jared: (mumbling to himself) She's behind armored glass. A minor
obstacle.
John: Not this again, we need to talk.
Jared: I didn't do nothin'! (to himself) Well, nothing interesting.
John: About yesterday...
[The pair wanders off, arguing amongst themselves, Jared trying to steer
them towards the control room, and Asuka.]
[Andy cautiously climbs into the plug. Three years older than the
average pilot, and a good head taller, Andy barely fit into the plug,
just enough room to bruise easily. He frowned at the fact that it wasn't
the plug to a real Eva, but at least it was a start.]
----------
[Jared and John are in deep conversation in the corner of the testing
room, which is... more or less silent as Andy takes his turn at being a
rat to experiment on.]
John: So what do you have against soba noodles?
Jared: Not soba, but just that particular dish. I don't have anything
against garlic either, but the flavors aren't right.
John: I think it's good.
Jared: Well maybe I like different foods than you do. It just isn't up
to par with the rest.
John: Says you, but you aren't the world's best food gourmet either, you
know.
Jared: That may be so, but I know what I like, and that beef dish just
doesn't do it for me, so we don't order it next time.
John: But if Andy wants it, then what? Are you just going to play Hitler
and start putting your foot down?
Jared: Maybe... I kinda like that idea. Hey, I'm just sayin', let's not
order it unless necessary.
John: Necessary? Like there's going to be a food shortage and it's just
beef soba dish day-in-day-out?
Jared: It's possible.
John: (firm tone) No, it's not. You're being ridiculous, thinking that
the world should revolve around your tastes.
Jared: Did I suggest we erect a monument to my greatness?
John: This morning.
Jared: Did I attempt to decree what's good and not good in the world of
foreign foodstuffs?
John: At noon.
Jared: Did I try vainly to defend my position with sneaky politician-
like tactics, rudely attacking your behavior and fashion sense?
John: Not yet.
Jared: Then I'm just giving an asked-for opinion.
John: No you're not. This started because YOU wanted something different
for breakfast and ordered the whole damn menu. Who do you think is going
to pay for all that food?
Jared: The same people who paid for the room: NERV.
John: But was it really necessary to--
[The alarms start blaring.]
John and Jared: (sighing) Can't leave him alone for five minutes...
Random Tech #1: We've lost nerve contact with pilot.
Random Tech #2: Generating random signals in the input matrix!
Random Tech #127: The Quake VII engine is slowing down!
[Jared and John dog-pile on the tech.]
Asuka: (smiling) Great, he's going psycho.
Jared: (punching the tech in the face) Really? I suppose you have a
perfect service record?
Asuka: Of course--
Jared: In bed?
Asuka: RAAAAAGGHH!!!!
Jared: Yipe!
[Asuka chases runs out of the room.]
Misato: Stop them!
[Jared grabs a fire ax outside, still running from Asuka. As they circle
the far side of the bay, Jared drops the ax in favor of a sledgehammer
just laying around.]
Jared: Hope this works!
[Jared leaps into the air, just barely out of Asuka's clutches, and
missed the catwalk by a good four feet, landing in the LCL.]
Jared: Yuck! Why me, God. Why me?!!
John: (in the test control room) This is cool. Say, do we have any
popcorn around here?
Maya: (after Misato translates) Lower left cabinet.
Jared: Hey, this stuff's only two feet deep!
[He easily stands up, then wades over to the mock-plug, using the end of
the sledge to probe for holes in the `floor' he's standing on.]
Jared: Ah, it is deeper. Well, only one shot at this.
Ritsuko: (yelling into the comm) ANDY!!!
[Jared bangs the sledge against the cockpit.]
Jared: (chanting) Wake up before you kill us all, wake up before you
kill us all...
Ritsuko: (to the techs) He's going into parapheleptic shock. Prepare
some adrenaline and a defibrillator.
John: (rubs hands together evilly) Now things are getting interesting...
Ritsuko: ANDY!!!
Jared: (singing, loudly) I've been working on the raaaaaiiiilrooooaaaad,
all the live-long daaaaaaaay!
Ritsuko: Uh, Jared.
Jared: What?
Ritsuko: You're badly off-key. (covers her face with her hands) Tell me
I didn't say that.
Jared: When are you dweebs going to open the door?!!
[Random Tech #12 hits an emergency hatch-open button. As advertised, it
opens the hatch.]
Jared: Whoa! (barely pulls the sledgehammer away from turning Andy's
head into a pile of mush).
Andy: Huh? Wha?
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Rats in a maze /
Sure we Want the Stinking Badges
--------------------------------------------------
John: (appearing from out of nowhere) You fell asleep again.
CONCENTRATE!!!
Ritsuko: Jared, it was not necessary to use a sledgehammer to wake up
Andy.
Jared: But it was fun.
Ritsuko: It's against regulations to--
Jared: But it was [fun].
Ritsuko: (backing down) Okay, okay.
John: Hoo-boy.
Andy: You're a dead man!!!
[Jared takes up a Bruce Lee-esque martial arts stance, thumbing his
nose.]
Jared: Bring it on!
[Andy and Jared start fighting again.]
Asuka: (in German) I am so going to kill those guys...
----------
[A while later, still in the synch test labs.]
Misato: Ok, guys. Now for (shudder) the real thing. The tests have shown
you are compatible with piloting Evangelions, and now, despite Ritsuko's
and my own objections, it's time for the real thing.
John: (Burns Mode) Excccellent!
Jared: So which one are we piloting?
John: (gesturing towards back of room) Judging by the way their
restraining Asuka to prevent a massacre, I'd say Unit 02.
Asuka: (screaming in German) OVER [YOUR] DEAD BODIES, FREAKS!!!!!!
Andy: I think we have been insulted.
Jared: I think we have been threatened.
John: I think... I'm going first.
Andy: Are NOT!
John: Am TOO!
Jared: There is only one way to settle this. (holds up fist)
[Andy tackles Jared misunderstanding the signal for "Paper, Rock,
Scissors." John escapes to the entry plug in the confusion.]
Ritsuko: (eyeing John warily) Ummm... O-kay, uhh... John, Into the plug.
John: Eeeeewww, it smells like Asuka in here.
Jared: (throws Andy off him into the wall, shouting at John's image) LET
ME IN YOU BACKSTABBING CHEATER!!!
Asuka: (to John's Image in the screen) YOU DIE FIRST!!!!
Jared: (suddenly thoughtful as a lecherous grin stakes claim to his
face) Which part of Asuka?
Asuka: (clawing for Jared) YOU DIE SECOND!!!!
John: (makes faces at everybody as the plug is screwed in) Neener,
neener, neeener.
Andy: (recovering from flight) YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!!!!
John: (threatening tone) Oh, we'll see...
----------
[Twenty minutes later....]
Ritsuko: Okay, John. This looks good. It's Jared's turn.
John: Hey, this is more relaxing than the infamous laz-e-boy. Let me have
few more minutes.
[Ritsuko looks at Andy and Jared, who are making huge shooing gestures
with their hands.]
Ritsuko: Umm, sure.
Jared: He gets five minutes, then I go in with the Jaws of Life.
Andy: I'll help.
[Jared and Andy lock gazes; sparks fly... not the pleasant kind.]
[Ritsuko just raised an eyebrow.]
----------
[Twenty MORE minutes later....]
Ritsuko: Time to get out John.
John: (drifting voice) It's full of stars...
Jared: (decked out like a Navy SEAL) KILL HIM!!!
Andy: (aura cackling) HE DIES NOW, I GET THE ROBOT!!!
[Jared and Andy lock gazes again.]
Ritsuko: Get them out of here, now!
John: I can hear you breathing...
Ritsuko: That does it. Increase LCL pressure as far as it will go.
Tech #2227: But... that'll crush him!
Ritsuko: Do. It.
John: (panicked voice) I'm leaving! I'm leaving!
Jared: My turn!
Andy: I think not, mortal!
Ritsuko: Jared, into the plug. Put that sword down! Andy, enough with
the ax!
----------
[Ten minutes later.]
Jared: (from inside entry plug) Hey, isn't there supposed to be some
pretty colors in here?
Ritsuko: Just concentrate.
[In the background, Andy is tied up in two straightjackets, chained to a
chair with a muzzle over his mouth and herded by armed guards.]
[Asuka is in a similar situation.]
Jared: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow--mom? Mother!
Ritsuko: No!
Jared: Just kidding!
[Ritsuko's eyebrow begins twitching at humming-bird like speed.]
----------
[Twenty minutes later.]
Ritsuko: (holding her head) We're going to be here all day.
Andy: (still tied up) I want his liver... with some fava beans.
Asuka: (muffled due to gag) Mrrrggmghmm.
John: Now that's your problem, Asuka.
Asuka: (muffled due to gag) Mmmmph, grrrgmgmgghaaamm.
John: Maybe, but sooner or later, you'll have to. He isn't so bad.
Asuka: (muffled due to gag) Mmhhmmhmph.
John: Okay, so I do lie like a rug.
Andy: Yes, lies he does.
John: And you owe me ice-cream.
Andy: Why?!
John: (Gendo tone) You'll find out soon enough...
----------
[Fifty minutes later.]
Ritsuko: All right, pull him out.
Tech #69: Sir! Andy's escaped!
[Jared is seen running across the catwalk above the bakelite tank.]
Ritsuko: What the--?! How'd he get out? The plug's still sealed!!!
[Andy appears at the far end of the catwalk, brandishing the ax from
earlier.]
Jared: It's your turn.
Andy: I still have one thing to do first.
Jared: (backing away) Maybe you shouldn't... not on a full stomach and
all...
Andy: There can be only one!
[Jared pulls out a small black box. We go into bullet-time and zoom in
on the note taped to the front.]
Thank me later,
John.
[Jared pushes the button. C-4 placed around the catwalk goes off,
dropping Andy right into the waiting plug, which was opened by Ritsuko.]
Jared: And they say I have no tact. Now, to ravish the beautiful Asuka!
Asuka: (through the glass) I HEARD THAT!!!
Jared: They also say I have no sense of style, but--
[The camera moves off.]
Jared: Hey! Get back here!
[The camera breaks into a run.]
----------
[An hour later....]
Andy: It IS full of stars.
Ritsuko: Move your fingers again.
[Andy does so, and the screen saver turns off.]
[Suddenly, the Eva's eyes light up.]
Tech #56: SIR, Unit-02 IS MOVING!!!!!
Ritsuko: WHAT!!!!! CUT THE POWER!!!!
Tech #189: IT'S NO GOOD, IT'S REACHED THE FORTH CATAPULT!!!
Tech #999: CATAPULT ACTIVATED!!! (a few seconds pass) IT'S REACHED THE
SURFACE!!
Ritsuko: Put it on the screen!
[The main viewer show us Unit 02 as it heads toward a nearby
skyscraper.]
Misato: What the hell is it doing?
[As they watch, the Eva slowly climbs toward the top of the building. It
then stands and begins roaring and beating it chest. It then tries to
swipe at a nearby hovercraft.]
John: (Badly Dubbed English) Wait, I have an idea. Blow out the support
bolts on the building!
Jared: (also Badly Dubbed English) That will only enrage the monster!
Only my Fists of Fury can subdue the Beast!
Andy: (on viewer) I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!
Ritsuko: Knock him out!!! Use the defibrillator!
Andy: (in convulsing Eva) AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! (falls
unconscious)
John: Is he dead?
Ritsuko: No.
Jared: Hit him again!
Ritsuko: No! He isn't having a heart attack.
Jared: He WILL BE...
John: Jealous he thought of the King Kong routine first?
Jared: Bite me!
----------
[In Gendo's office.]
Gendo: I see there were some... difficulties during the tests. Glad to
see it was nothing you couldn't handle.
Ritsuko: Ah, right.
Gendo: And this data is satisfactory.
Ritsuko: I don't know how the hell they did it and they'll probably kill
each other if we give them all Evas, but they're otherwise good pilot
material.
Gendo: (rumbling voice) And then they are Americans...
Ritsuko: This was your idea, sir.
Gendo: Very well. Have Katsuragi take care of their IDs and such.
Ritsuko: (thinking) We can't actually take photos, maybe some
surveillance tape... (out loud) Yes, sir.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
End Episode 2.
Next Episode: (Andy Voice Over) It's chaos in technicolor when Jared
takes the authorial reins and starts shoehorning us into Eva. Action!
Suspense! Ritsuko naked! Incomprehensible plot! But still, he wanted
naked chicks, so join us!
Andy: ... Hey, who wrote this preview?
John: (off-set) Damn... here's a correction.
[The sounds of shuffling paper follow.]
Andy: Oh, well, there will be _no_ sex in the next part, but we may come
close. Join us as John and I try to control the rampaging pervert in the
next suspenseful episode!
Same Goon Channel....
Same Goon Time....
For Three Goons in Eva!
Ver 1.0 Jul 6, 2001
(
geocities.com/rick_spiff)