DISCLAIMER: (bows in the general direction of Japan) Thank the Kami for
anime in general, giant robots, and to get really specific: Evangelion.
They aren't ours, but oh! How we wish!

WARNING: Warning? You want your  warning? I'll give you a good
 warning if you don't shut yer  mouth! You think I live to
come up with this ? , I need some sleep.

NOTE: This is tag-team self-insertion fanfiction. This, apparently,
means that Rick Spiff does 60-90% of the grunt work while his
'supporting' author slack the whole damn time, rushing to provide a
witty remark or two when I show up at their door with a laptop, a fire
ax, and a disturbing smile. Isn't life grand? Now sit back and enjoy
something that was supposed to be plot development, but instead turned
out as a bunch of sorta-dramatic scenes and some kick- fight
scenes from the hardest working member of Insanity Productions.

TO THE OTHER AUTHORS: Yeah, it sucks and it's harsh, but I run the
web-page, I do the heavy stories, and I hardly ever complain. This has
been long overdue. Thank you for reading, and if it isn't too much
 trouble (after I even edited out all the harsh language in a
totally non-funny way), send me a  e-mail at:

rick_spiff@yahoo.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Camera fades in... we see a large parking garage, probably underground.
Three figures stand in the darkest corner of the room, somewhat obscured
in shadow. From profile, we can easily see it is the Three Goons,
dressed in normal attire.]

John: So, we have classes with Asuka today after school.

Jared: (pumping a fist in the air) YEEEESSSS!!!

Andy: But their class is gone on a field trip.

John: Ms. Sohryu is in a special class to help her learn Kanji,
remember? Since she's staying, we obviously have to go to the class as
well.

Jared: (picturing Asuka... well, let's not think about that) ...

Andy: (looking sideways at Jared) Well, getting his mind off of such
matters, what about Sandalphon?

John: The eighth Angel? We'll just have to take it as we see it.

Jared: (drooling slightly, hands grasping in the air as if... nah, I'm
not even gonna say) ...

Andy: (pointing at Jared) He'll be okay, right?

John: Oh, he's just a little messed up after that pool incident.

Andy: But he _will_ be okay, right?

John: (waving in a dismissive way) Yeah, sure. He'll be just fine. As
for the eighth, the very least we could do is warn NERV.

Andy: Such as an exact description of what it is, where it will show
up, when it will show up, what its capabilities are, et cetera?

John: Well, I was thinking something faintly melodramatic and entirely
evil... very Gendo-esque, but yeah, you're version of the facts might
work.

Andy: (falsetto modesty) Well, now... don't embarrass me...

John: ... if we wanted to drive them completely nuts.

Andy: Awww... Hey! Isn't that what we're here to do?

John: (thinking) True, but we drive them completely over the edge,
who's to say they won't kill us out of the sheer lunacy?

Andy: We can stop bullets!

John: < -_- > Not yet we can't.

Jared: (hands moving through the air in.... ugh, I don't even want to
know myself) ...

Andy: Then we'll kill them first!

John: (rubbing his forehead as if in great pain; mutters under his
breath) It's like a bunch of kinder-gardeners... with automatic
weapons. (out loud) Look, we'll just tell them enough so that they
don't rush in too hastily.

Andy: (not understanding) What?

John: Rush in too hastily. As in, too quickly?

Andy: (confused look on his face; tips his head to the side as if he
couldn't hear John) What?

John: Charge in guns blazing? As in that would be a bad idea?

Andy: (as if trying to figure out the world's great mysteries) You were
speaking English, weren't you? That first part was easy to follow but
the rest just came out like gibberish.

[Without warning, John leaps into the air, his hands disappearing
behind his back. When they come back into the (dim) light, they are
grasping two 2x4's, which are applied to Andy and Jared's heads with
hitherto un-heard-of speed. The other two goons are flattened comically
into the concrete.]

John: Ed... James... Andy... Jared...

[John proceeds to shiver mightily, then utters a final word.]

John: Dave....

Jared: (picking himself up off the floor slowly) Iteee...

John: Glad to see you're back among the living.

[Jared ignores him and checks his mini-MAGI/watch.]

Jared: Egads! We're gonna be late!

[He spies Andy.]

Jared: What the fuck?

John: You won't want to know. We do have a few hours.

[Jared places his hands on John's shoulders as if he is about to tell
the saner goon his mother has just been torn apart by tentacle demons.
Jared seems to brace himself for a violence response, taking a deep
breath to calm himself, and then speaks in a low, soothing tone.]

Jared: John, I want you to listen to me closely. We are lost inside of
NERV. We have been lost in here since four in the morning. It's almost
four in the afternoon, and we haven't even had a damn thing to eat.
Now, we either haul ass like we've never hauled ass before, or we get
Andy to lead us through the ventilation system again.

[He looks at Andy.]

Jared: Who, I happen to see, you just knocked out. Now, if we miss even
a few minutes of Miss Sohryu's heavenly beauty, I shall hurt you
gravely.

[John looks deep into his friend's eyes, then to the bandages on his
face.]

John: She's still pissed at you.

Jared: I know.

John: (mysterious glasses glinting in the light move) Do you... Well,
let me check my map. You carry Andy.

Jared: You knocked him out!

John: But I'm navigating.

Jared: I can navigate just fine.

John: --but you can never get where you _want_ to go.

[Jared growls under his breath as he hoists Andy's comatose form onto
his back and obediently follows John out of the parking garage like a
loyal puppy.]

[Cue theme music... the old Batman TV series remixed with the chorus
"Three Goons... Three Goons... Three Goons... dunananananana..." We see
the Three Goons running towards the camera as the Evas, Gendo, the NERV
symbol and other such paraphernalia panning past. Then we see the SEELE
council loom before the Three Goons. As they leap into the air, the
three morph in bullet-time into their respective Evas. The SEELE
chamber, on the other hand, remains the same and three massive feet
smash the room into a red paste. Then Unit-03's eyes flash a nauseating
mauve color and the title flash comes (white letters on a blank screen,
in case you've never seen NGE).]


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

			      Three Goons

                    BUS DRIVER / All in a Day's Work

           --------------------------------------------------


[It is a serene day at Asuka's Japanese language class. The sun is
shining merrily through the windows, she had learned ten new words so
far, and the tutor had only yelled at her four times. The psychotic
Sensei was being less strict than usual, which should have made Asuka
happy. But something is bugging her. Maybe it's that she's not swimming
in the warm waters of Okinawa right now. Maybe it's because she had
bombed her test, despite her superior intellect. Or maybe it's because
the lights are dimming ominously... What the--?]

[The entrance to the class is in front of her and to the right. The
tutor is standing at the white-board, lecturing off the meaning of a
group of kanji characters. The large table she is sitting at has more
chairs than usual.]

[The door opens, a sinister fog preceding the intruder by flooding the
entire floor with a thick white cloud of the gauzy mist. John strolls in
with the fog billowing around him like a cloak, ignoring the tutor's
glare, and settles down in a chair away from Asuka.]

[Seconds later, Asuka shrieks and kicks at something under the table.
She then picks up the table and starts hitting Jared with it until the
wooden weapon finally breaks after the hundredth hit or so. Jared's
battered and bloody body twitches a bit, so Asuka switched to kicking
him for good measure.]

[Eventually things get settled down, and Jared was bandaged by a
pre-prompted 911 call, a new table was brought in, and class could
resume as normal... That is, if Andy would get there.]

[John and Jared look to the still open door for a moment. Then John
perks his ears as if listening to mice sing praise to the Cockroach
King. Then he kicks the chair next to him under a nearby ventilation
grate just as the screws give out. Andy tumbles out of the ventilation
system and lands in the chair in a proper seating position. Pretending
he didn't just do that, but instead made a normal entrance, he scoots
his chair in and pretends to adjust a tie he isn't wearing.]

John: Late again I see.

Andy: I was on time, it is you who are tardy!

Asuka: Actually all three of you are late.

[Andy and John give Asuka their "who asked you?" looks.]

Andy: (smug-superior tone) Actually, I was here before you, Miss
Sohryu, or the psycho Sensei even arrived. It just took me awhile to
loosen those cheap screws.

John: (Lense flash-o-death mode) You mean you left us lost in the
middle of NERV, made a beeline here, and then spent the last two hours
stuck in a ventilation shaft BECAUSE OF RUSTY SCREWS?

Psycho Sensei: (screaming) QUIET!!!

Andy: (as if this is the simplest thing in the world) Yes, basically.

John: (Glowing faintly with evil energy, glasses still obscured by the
evil glinting thing) And WHY did you leave us behind?

Andy: As for you, it was merely a form of revenge for hitting me when
all I did was ask you to clarify a point. Jared, well... he still needed
some time to recover from the pool incident before he began anew his
quest to acquire injures and experience yet-unexplored realms of pain.

Jared: (deadpan) Andy, If you make me late again I will personally break
your three favorite fingers.

Andy: (unfazed) So what else is new?

Psycho Sensei: I SAID, BE QUIET!!

Jared: (obviously ignoring the Sensei) Take me lightly, will you?! HAVE
AT THEE!!

Andy: (also ignoring the Sensei) EN GUARDE!!

[Both boys assume their positions. John hangs his head in shame, Asuka
looks to borrow an unused chair for ammunition.]

Jared: KAMEHAMEHA!!!!

Andy: GALLET GUN FIRE!!!

[Silence... Then...]

John: You guys _knew_ that wouldn't work, right?

Andy: (sheepishly) Wishful thinking?

Jared: Yeah, like I wish I had some whipped cream, chocolate syrup,
some cherries... (to Asuka) Are you allergic to cherries, my dear?

Asuka: (roars, breaks the chair into two, and then throws 3/4 of the
chair at Jared and the rest at Andy) DIE, YOU FREAKS!!

[Andy ducks the chair as Righteous Fury can only be focused in one
direction at a time. Jared is not so fortunate, but the second pre-
scheduled 911 call would allow Jared to live for future beatings.]

[The Psycho Sensei decides to prove his name by grabbing a handful of
erasers from sub-space and throwing them at the juniors in the room like
shirukens with deadly accuracy. Even the well-honed dodging skills of
the Goons are unable to avoid the projectiles and within minutes, the
Sensei stands triumphant over four KO'ed kids.]

Psycho Sensei: (pulling one eraser out of the wall it was embedded into)
That'll teach you delinquents.

Andy: < @_@ > Defeat... will... only... make...  me... stronger..... (he
finally passes out)

----------

[After class, in one of the many NERV infirmaries.]

[To save space, Jared and Andy have been paired off in one room, while
in the next, John and Asuka are slowly waking up.]

John: (cheerfully) Mornin'.

Asuka: (coldly regarding the guy) It's late afternoon.

John: Indeed.

Andy: (through the wall) THIS ISN'T OVER, SENSEI!! NOT BY A LONG SHOT!!!

John: (frowning) I worry about him sometimes.

[Andy begins laughing maniacally through the division.]

Asuka: It's not like you're any better. You're just as bad as both of
them combined.

John: Yes, but when you combine them, they can cancel each other out and
you get a rational guy.

Asuka: Just stay on your side of the room.

Andy: (through the wall) YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE MY WRATH!!! BWAHAHAH--


Jared: (through the wall) SHUT UP!!!

John: It's a shame those two had to ruin class, I was hoping to actually
learn to read. It's a pain to have to rely on others to do the simplest
of tasks.

Asuka: Yeah... (realizes that she's actually agreeing with him) But at
least I don't suffer that weakness.

Jared: (through the wall) WHERE IS MY DARLING?! IF THAT FOUL WOMANIZER,
GENONI, HATH DOTH TOUCH BUT ONE SPARKLING FIERY HAIR ON HER SWEET HEAD,
MY RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE SHALL FALL UPON-- 

[John looks at the wall from where the noises are coming from with an
odd glare.]

Andy: (through the wall) That was for the sneak attack, and _THIS_ is
for my doughnut!

[The sounds of Jared and Andy fighting can be heard.]

Asuka: They've always been like this?

John: As far back as I can remember. But I try to keep them contained.

Asuka: Not that I've seen.

John: < -_- > You are aware that Andy can do the Final Flash in his Eva,
right?

Asuka: Yeah...

John: < -_- > And yet the world is still here, correct?

Asuka: < -_- > Your point, Worm?

John: Andy would've blown this place to kingdom come a long time ago if
he wasn't so busy fighting Jared and myself. On the other hand, Jared
would've already bedded you and driven the rest of this city nuts if he
wasn't so occupied with fighting Andy and myself.

Asuka: And what do they do to keep you in check?

John: (giving Asuka his scary grin) Who says I'm kept in check? But I
suppose I'd have done something bad by now if I wasn't so busy watching
those two.

[Asuka backs up in her bed.]

John: On a lighter note, (under his breath) if there is such a thing in
this series...

Asuka: What was that?

John: Nothing. You really wanted to go diving, didn't you?

Asuka: Don't remind me.

John: I was just wondering, what if an Angel really did attack, but it
was really deep below the surface?

Asuka: I'm sure they would come up with a plan to defeat it.

John: Like maybe send a pilot down to fight it?

Asuka: I wish, I'm getting sick of always waiting for them to attack.

John: (hopping out of bad) Then be ill no more! For I have a cunning
plan to... is there a draft in here?

[John looks down to see he is in a hospital smock.]

Asuka: HENTAI!!

[Jared and Andy have settled back down in time for John to fly through
the wall and get tangled in some medical equipment. Andy moves to check
if John is dead, (and finish him off if he isn't) while Jared tries to
check on Asuka (or check her out) but is stopped when John's hospital
bed follows through the hole in the wall with the force of a freight
train.]

----------

[After recovering yet again (in separate rooms this time) the Three
Goons arrive back at their apartment.]

Jared: Now that that's over with, we must train to reach the next level
of power in the plan.

Andy: (snarling) For once I agree with you, Jared. I must make that
Sensei PAY for the humiliation he inflicted on me!!!

John: I have yet to inform NERV about the next Angel.

Andy: (growling) Then CALL them, damn it! We'll be outside. (to Jared)
Prepare to suffer, witless fool!!!

[Jared slugs Andy, sending the goon hurling through the wall, them
dashes after him, preparing to finish him off. John stands and stares at
the hole in the wall a second before sighing. He walks to the phone,
pick up the receiver, and dials a number. The line rings three times,
then picks up.]

Ritsuko: (answering the phone) Moshi moshi?

John: I'll make this short and sweet, Doctor. Mount Asamayama
Earthquake Research Institute will report an anomaly soon if they
haven't already. The Angel, Sandalphon, will be at a depth of 1780
meters by the time your operation will be ready due to lava currents.
If you hurry, there will be a chance to capture and subdue, but only if
you act now. Otherwise it will grow out of its weak larval form--

Ritsuko: < -_- > Absorb two robots and become complete?

John: DAMN IT, WOMAN, I'M SERIOUS!  Hello? Hello? (dials again)

Ritsuko: Domino's Pizza! May I take you order?

John: (reflexively) Yeah, can I get a large pepperoni... er, I mean...
.... ..... ..................... (coldly) Don't do that again. 
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (dials again)

Ritsuko: 1-900-HOT-BABE, what's your pleasure?

John: (claps a hand over his mouth before he reflexively answers again)
...

[He gathers himself, hangs up the phone, and throws the infernal
contraption out the window.]

----------

[At NERV...]

Ritsuko: (laughs to herself) He's too easy. (picking up the phone as it
rings again, answering seductively) This is Butter, and I'm sizzling for
you. (picks up her mug)

Gendo: ... You told me you stopped doing that after college, Doctor.

Ritsuko: (spits out her coffee) Uh... Well..... Um....

Gendo: There's time enough for that later. The Mount Asamayama
Earthquake Research Institute has reported an anomaly at a depth of 1400
meters in the magma. The MAGI say that there's a fifty-fifty chance that
it's an Angel.

Ritsuko: ...................................................... (the air
conditioning blows a tumbleweed by her office door)

Gendo: Akagi?

Ritsuko: John... That little shit.

Gendo: Dr. John Toyamota is a top researcher, I would hope you would
have more respect for him, Doctor.

Ritsuko: THE OTHER JOHN, YOU PRICK!!

Gendo: ....

Ritsuko: Um, oops.

Gendo: Maybe some time off would be in order for you, Dr. Akagi. I'll
have Misato take care of the operation, okay?

Ritsuko: .... 

[Back at the apartment...]

[John sets a voodoo doll wearing a white lab coat down and begins
cackling.]

----------

[The next day, at NERV.]

[The Pilots briefing room, which look similar to the one in Wing
Commander, is dark. The pilots sit in the front row from left to right;
Jared, John, Andy, Shinji, Rei, Asuka; Misato is in mid-explanation.

Misato: ... So currently the Angel is in larval form. Therefore the
objective of this operation is to capture the Angel, and if that's not
possible, destroy it.

Shinji: Andy, why did you insist on this seating arrangement?

Andy: You NEED to ask? Safety's sake, of course.

Shinji: Safety?

Andy: We have to keep Jared away from Asuka and John away from Rei. Who
better to assign this vital task them the guy who blows everything up
and the guy who eats an Angel.

[The meeting grinds to a halt.]

Shinji: ........ W-WHAT?!

Andy: Oh, I guess it hasn't happened yet, never mind. Besides, it was
really your mom that ate the Angel.

Shinji: WHAT?!

Jared: (to John) Shinji with a backbone is kinda scary.

John: (eating popcorn) Yes, but quite entertaining. We'll have to kill
Andy after Shinji gets done with him.

[By now everyone else has crowed around Andy. Andy puts his hands to his
face.]

Andy: SOLAR FLARE! (after nothing happens) I said, SOLAR FLARE!

John: Oh, oops. (gets up and turns on the lights)

[The sudden illumination blinds everyone allowing Andy to escape through
the ventilation ducts yet again.]

Shinji: (vision returning) ANDY!!! (dives into the duct after Andy)

Misato: < 0_0;;; > Ummm... Well... Moving on, the pilot for this
Assignment will be... Asuka. You will carry out the mission.

Asuka: (puts the back of her hand near her mouth) OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! But
of course. Only a real pilot like me could possible carry out such a
vital mission!!

Misato: < o_o; > Actually, your EVA is the only one that can be fitted
with the proper equipment for the mission.

[Silence...]

[The ever-present tumbleweed drifts by.]

Rei: how did that get in here?

Misato: John, maybe?

John: Just a little touch of home.

[Suddenly, Andy falls through the roof vent, flips in mid air, and
misses his seat by a foot, hitting the ground with a thud.]

John: Ahh, Andy. You finally lose Shinji?

Andy: Yes. Damn, I had to double-back several times before I lost him.

Jared: _Where_ did you lose him?

Andy: (suddenly notices Misato and realizes she doesn't know yet)
Ummm... (whispers to John) EVA graveyard.

Shinji: (from far away and deep below) AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

John: (to Andy) We'll talk later. (to Jared) Come on. Damage Control.

Jared: What happened? Where did he leave Shinji?

John: (whispering) EVA Graveyard.

Jared: (to Andy) We'll talk later. (To John) I hope he doesn't find
the--

Shinji: (from far away and deep below) AAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT'S REI... AND
REI... AND REI... AND REI...

John & Jared: We'll talk now.

[Both break a 2X4 over Andy's head, then rush out of the room.]

Misato: What was Shinji yelling about?

Asuka: Who cares? I have to get ready.

[Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, down in Terminal Dogma...]

[Shinji has collapsed into a fetal ball in the room of Reis. The
soulless husks floating around him haunt his vision whenever he opens
his eyes like a nightmare that won't end. Then Jared drags him out of
the room and brings him in front of John whom is duct taped to the wall
where he can't look into the room. After swearing on his Nintendo that
he won't go in (today) John is released.]

John: (looking at the wreck of a human known as Shinji) You're a mess,
Ace. I know, it's kind of overwhelming and more surrealistic than
Modern French Art... (shudders at the image) But don't worry.

Shinji: Don't worry?

John: (holding up a pen-like object) Ever see one of these?

Shinji: No I can't say--  Where am I? What happened to the
briefing room?

John: We got lost. (pointing) The elevator's this way.

[A very confused Shinji wanders to the elevator and leaves.]

Jared: You have a flashy-thingy?!

John: Oh yeah. (holds the pen towards Jared and uses it on him, then
pockets the device)

Jared: Did we find Shinji?

John: Yep we found him in the grave yard, I'll meet you back up, he
left his jacket behind.

[A somewhat confused Jared leaves towards the elevator.]

John: (rubbing his hands together) And now my blue-haired beauties...
(goes into the room)

----------

[Later, back in the Briefing room.]

[Andy's limp form is the only being in the room, the others having left
for the crater a while ago. Suddenly, in a display the Goon recovery
abilities, he leaps to his feet, good as new. Then....]

Andy: Where the hell is everyone (notices sticky note on shirt; reads)
Headed for the Asamayama earthquake research institute. Wish you were
here. Get your butt in gear.

[It is signed "The Being of Overwhelming Power, Jared."]

Andy: IT'S MECHA TIME!!!!!

[Andy swoops suddenly out of the room and into the corridor to the
cages at top speed. He does a quick change into his plug suit, jumps
into the plug, starts the Eva's main systems, pressurizes the plug,
then...]

Andy: CHARGE!!!!! (stabs a large and unfriendly-looking button)

[At that instant, the catapult launches and "Dragula" by Rob Zombie
begins to blast through the monster mecha's speakers as the Evangelion
rockets toward the surface. Upon reaching the surface inertia continues
its journey to new heights. Then large metal wings unfold and the Eva of
Death takes to the sky.]

Andy: (looking around) Where's the volcano?

[A little used portion of Andy's mind begins to scurry around. Andy, for
once, take note of it.]

Andy: (thinking) It's a volcano, look for a smoking mountain, some F-
type Bombers preparing to erase mountain, large equipment set-up....
THERE IT IS!!!

----------

[A winding noise was ticking off Unit-02's decent into the magma. Within
Unit-03's cockpit, Jared is preoccupied with the act of chewing his
fingers into mush in worry for his fiery goddess. Unit-05 has moved
awfully close to Unit-00', but Rei doesn't seem to care that John is not
following Misato's defensive plan. Things have been like this for
several minutes, when distant music is heard. Something that sounded
suspiciously like American Rock and Roll. Almost like Rob Zombie....]

John: Bastard, I wanted to come in with music first!

[As the music ends, Unit-04 joins the party, landing in the only open
spot around the volcano to avoid getting in the way of the bombers
should something bad happen. Inside the cockpit, Andy is feverishly
praying for something to go wrong. Anything, really, though he
particularly wants to hear the bad news that the Angel has matured and
is attack their party.]

Andy: (thinking) Any second now...

Asuka: The Angel has been secured, I'm beginning my ascent.

Andy: D'OH!!

Jared: Come to papa, baby!

Asuka: Rei? Remember what we agreed on?

[Unit-00' leaps over the crater to jump-kick Unit-03 in the head. The
giant mecha tumbles down the hillside like... well, like a giant mecha
tumbling down a hillside. Rei quickly returns to her defensive position
without a word.]

Andy: Five, four, three, two, one, NOW!

[Nothing happens.]

Andy: ... I said NOW!

[Nothing happens.]

Andy: ...... Ok, NOW!!!

[And still, nothing happens.]

[Finally, the top of Unit-02's D-type armor surfaces. Unit-05 readies a
Special Beam Cannon. Unit-04, somewhat dejectedly, prepares a Gallat
Gun. Unit-03 finishes it's trek back up the mountain, then prepares a
Kamehame-ha.]

Misato: IT WORKED!

John, Jared, & Andy: It WORKED?!

Jared: < 0_0 > Screw the river, we three stones have done some fucking
major landscaping.

John: < ^_^ > Cool.

Andy: (singing) Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to NERV we go. We've got the
Angel, there is no danger, hi-ho, hi-ho...

[The embryo twitches, and all three American Evas aim their blasts at
the contained egg. A sweat drop rolls down the embryo, then it ceases to
twitch.]

Misato: < 0_0;;; > It's scared of them... too.

John: (Mr. Burns pose) Eeeexcellent.

[All three Goons chuckle [evilly]. Crack boom, you know the drill.]

----------

[Ritsuko's office. Misato stands in front of the doctor, looking worn
and haggard... but still sexy. Especially with the sweat running down
her-- {Editorial note: This part has been shortened due to space
constraints and the fact that Jared inserted this section without
warning. We now return you to our regularly scheduled fic, already in
progress.} {BASTARDS!!! That scene took hours to cook up!}--Misato's
taunt--{Oops, sorry about that, fast forwarding a little bit
more... there.} {AAAARRRGGH!!!}.]

Misato: He broke out of three maximum security prisons and a box of
Cracker Jacks to get here!

Ritsuko: (idly) Wow. All that and a box of Cracker Jacks, huh?

Misato: < -_- > I'm trying to be serious here, Rit-chan.

Ristuko: (in the tone of a master offering her retainer a tanto) Mis-
chan, you've had a long day. But things went well, the Angel's fully
restrained, none of the Evas have so much as a scratch on them, and even
the pilots are getting a little bit of well-deserved R-n-R. (brightens
up somewhat) Why don't you go enjoy it with them?

Misato: (fidgets, twiddles her thumbs, then finally answers a glaring
Ritsuko) Because of that blonde kid.

Ritsuko: (sighs) Fine, if I arrange for a JSDF escort and bodyguards,
will you be okay?

Misato: I... I think I will be.

Ritsuko: Good. (leads Misato to the door as if she were a small child)
There you go. Have a good time, Mis-chan.

Misato: Hai, hai.

----------

[Mt. Asamayama's most well-known attraction was not the new hole NERV
had punched in the ground, but its incredible hot springs that dotted
the sides of the low-sloped mountain. One such hot spring (one that had
a hefty NERV discount, on account of slow business), is being invaded by
the JSSDF.]

[No, we're not doing the "End of Eva" now, it's just security.]

[Helicopter gunships gather about the vacation spot like locusts.
Thousands of ground troups armed with heavy automatic weapons and riot
gear move into position around the springs. All incoming guests are
being turned away by a roadblock that is outfitted with tanks and
entrenched rocket-launcher batteries.]

[With the majority of this attention focused around six of the world's
most dangerous people, it might come as a surprise to learn just what
they are doing.]

[Unless, of course, you've been following the series up until this
point.]

[Andy is enjoying the distant hum of hovergunships and the roar of tanks
patrolling the perimeter. His requests to spend his `vacation' time
polishing Unit-04 (all 150 of them) have been turned down, and it is
with great reluctance that he is laying half-awake in the mild end of
the pool, away from the entrance and opposite the titanium reinforced
bamboo wall that separated the male and female partitions. Sound bite
please?]

Andy: Aaahhh. Not as good as a giant mecha, but close.

[Then John makes his entrance with an American favorite.]

John: CANNONBALL!!!

Andy: NO!

[John should have known that most hot spring were no deeper than the
average bath. Perhaps he did know, but the thought of being close to Rei
may have `adjusted' his thought process.]

John: (floating face up in the water) < @_@ > ...

Andy: < -_- > That looks like it hurts.

[JSSDF officers start pouring into the area, dressed in full body armor,
including flak jackets. A Squad Automatic Weapon is quickly assembled in
one corner of the area opposite Andy. The Goon quickly leaves John's
side and tries to examine the SAW more closely (and perhaps borrow it,
since John _is_ in the field of fire), but the JSSDF soldiers hold him
at bay with flame throwers and riot sheilds, not unlike a group of
natives fighting back a hungry lion.]

[Spotlights sweep the area, and a group of elites stalk in. They spend
the next several minutes sweeping the area (and the two present Goons)
with a metal detector. Finally, they check the security off the wall,
and finding it solid....]

JSSDF Officer: (into his radio) Okay, let the girls in.

JSSDF Officer: (from the radio) The package is here.

JSSDF Officer: (into radio) We're ready.

[The JSSDF elites form a corridor from the entrance to the pool, via the
shortest route. John is fished from the pool and given a few slaps to
wake him. The two Goons stand aside the officers (Andy still eyeing the
SAW crew in the corner), and Jared is led in.]

[Okay, now it's as bad as you think.]

[A man in a white labcoat preceeds the focus of this evening's
activities. He lets the JSSDF officer signs some forms, then stands
aside. Jared is strapped into two metal straight jackets, which are
bound with enormous chains to a solid steel dolly. A rack of C-4 is
attached to the back in case he somehow gets away. It is driven from the
back by a burly guard almost the size of Bob (who is still in traction),
and guided from the front by four guards in futuristic looking armor
that lead Jared's apparel around with long metal sticks that attach to
the straight jackets magnetically. Three sets of massive steel bands
hold his legs tight against the dolly with his feet and hands inside of
specially molded titanium shields. As a finishing touch, a kevlar face
mask with titanium screens over his mouth and nose has been custom
crafted and the fit on his face shows it.]

John: (awake and by Andy's side with a tiny bandage on his head) Did he
have to go this far?

Andy: Who, Jared?

John: No, that old bastard, Ikari.

Andy: Why would the prune do something like this?

John:  Between Rei knocking his Eva into a village and his
`molesting' of the world's biggest bitch, I guess something like this
was going to happen. But I don't think Ritsuko could've ordered all this
attention on us by herself.

Andy: Which means Gendo knew this was going to happen. That bastard!

John:  Not precisely. Remember, even when the Angel hatched and
escaped until Asuka barely nailed it, the pilots' got their vacation.
I'm guessing that the fact we're all still here and the Earth's in one
piece--more or less--means that we're entitled to a little R-n-R.

Andy: (eyeing the SAW again) With appropriate guards...

John: Exactly.

----------

[Sometime later, once things have settled down a bit. The JSSDF have
pulled back, and Jared is finally loose, looking for any holes or weak
spots in the wall dividing the male and female halves.]

John: (soaking) Don't you ever quit.

Jared: (reflexively) Never. (thoughtful) Hey, don't you want to see Rei
naked?

Andy: No! NO!!! We are NOT going to talk about this!

John: (barely reisting the temptation) Mmm... Rei naked.... (sighs)
Rei... < *_* >

Andy: (looking at John) < 0_0; >

Jared: (Fist of Determination) We _will_ see them naked!

Andy: (trying to halt the Evil One) How are you going to do that,
exactly? (points at the reinforced wall) That thing's the wall of
Jerico.

Jared: (mo-men-tum!) Feh! Details, Andy, meaningless details!

Andy: < 0_0; > And what about John?

John: < *_* > ... Rei-sama...

Jared: He'll follow the through with the plan. (thoughtful) Asuka will
definitely resist, and Misato's probably got a gun in hand. Maybe
several, but without a bra on her aim will be affected... Hmm... Rei
probably won't try to stop us--

John: (coming out of his daze) Rei? Where?!

Jared: --unless Asuka tells her to. (weighing the options in his head)
Well, that'll do.

John: (suspiciously looking at Jared) What will do?

[Jared assumes the customary power-up pose.]

Jared: Haaaaaa...

John: (asking Andy, but pointing at Jared) What is he doing?

Andy: (thoughtful) Hmm... I'd say he's trying to expand a `hot' aura.

John: Well, can you tell him to stop? he's making the JSSDF guys
nervous.

[In the background, the JSSDF officers have so many sweat drops on them
that it looks like they have taken a turn in the hot springs.]

Jared: HaaaaAAAAA!!!

John: < -_- > Give it up.

Jared: (stops, exhausted) Haa.... haa... That was almost too much.

John: We're here to relax-- (realizes what he's done)

Jared: This _IS_ relaxing!

[Despite wearing in only a pair of swimming trunks (the Goons, while
familiar with various parts of Japanese life, had not integrated
themselves into it completely, and had elected to forego the usual dress
in a hot spring), he pulls out a large flamethrower. John dives for
cover, making to the edge of the pool. Andy merely takes a deep breath
and ducks under water. The SAW crew readies their gun just as Jared
opens up on... the water???]

[The near explosive heat from the flame thrower causes a huge cloud of
steam to form in mere seconds, obscuring the pervert hidden within. John
realizes his second mistake in as many seconds and stares.]

JSSDF Guy: Quick, toss some flash-bangs in there!

[A pair of such grenades go flying into the steam cloud, but immediately
come back out, as if bouncing off of a rubber wall. The two explosives
land right in the machine gun nest, exploding on impact.]

JSSDF Guys: AARGGHH!!! I can't see! Cover fire!!!

[Jared leaps from the steam cloud and takes the helm of the machine gun.
John rushes to stop him but is intercepted by Andy, who was thinking the
same thing. Unfortunately, they colide in mid-air directly behind Jared,
who continues to spray the cursed barrier with .30 caliber bullets. Andy
steps on John's face to grab at Jared, but is thwarted when John twists
Andy's foot and uses the Goon as a springboard to tackle Jared. The pair
crashes to the ground, Andy groaning in pain behind them. The machine
gun's last bursts goes wide, knocking down a pair of hovergunships.]

[As John and Jared wrestle for dominance, Andy takes up the machine gun
with an evil gleam in his eye. The JSSDF guys, recovered, dog-pile him
before he can do any serious damage, however. In the resulting nine-way
brawl, the Three Goons quickly manage to defeat the soldiers before
turning to one another. There is no time for popcorn and Jared dives for
the machine gun again, which John is standing in front of. Andy mirrors
Jared's movements, and John pulls out a pair of `correction sticks.']

John: (ashamed) When will they learn?

[And with that, he quickly dispatches the goons, and looking up,
sees...]

John: Shinji?

[Shinji is standing in the doorway. John freezes with a deer-in-
headlights look. A broken 2x4 rests in each hand, the other Goons
facedown and unconscious on the battle-scarred stone path. JSSDF
officers are also laying around, also very unconsicous. In the distance,
more of the hovergunships' fuel tanks go off, then silence claims the
courtyard of the springs.]

[Even the cicadas are quiet.]

Rei: (behind the wall) they're noisy.

Misato: (behind the wall) It's a good thing this wall was reinforced.
Pity about those helicopters, though.

Asuka: (behind the wall) Ha! That stopped them? They'll try again, trust
me! And then, I'll be ready! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Shinji: < 0_0; > Should I even ask?

John: No.

Shinji: Where do you get those things?

John: (looks at the broken boards in his hands) Lumberyard. Where else
would I get them?

[He tosses the boards to... well, wherever they get to when he's done
with them, and returns to the pool, ignoring the mess behind him.]

John: Ahhh...

[It is at that moment that the JSSDF backup charges in, flooring Shinji
and pointing an enormous amount of firepower at him before patting him
down and sweeping through the rest of the area. Eventually things are
sorted out, the remaining gunships are pulled back to a safer distance,
and the gunnary crew is removed from the area. Shinji, John, Andy, and
Jared at last find peace soaking in the hot water.]

[Did I say peace? Sorry for the confusion.]

Jared: (looking at the wall) John...

John: No. We should give them their privacy.

Jared: (turns to Shinji) He doesn't mind.

[Shinji, it should be noted, is sitting at the extreme opposite end of
the pool from Jared, despite Andy calling him a wuss for staying away
from the perverted Goon.]

John: But-- (closes his mouth; there's no need to tempt Jared)

Jared: (turns back to the wall) Hmm... < *_* > Asuka-sama....

Asuka: (from other side) Aa-choo!

Jared: She's becoming ill! I must--

John: (splashes Jared) Stay right here, or else.

Jared: (splashes John back) Or else what?

John: < -_- > That one was free.

[Jared splashes John again. The younger Goon spits some water out of his
mouth, pulls his arm back, and slams it into a water, causing a
veritable wave to engulf Jared. The older Goon blocks, letting the wave
wash around him, then assumes a Kamehame-ha stance.]

John: That won't--

[But Jared doesn't do a call-out, he just slams his hands into the
water. A stream of water almost two feet across suddenly leaps free of
the pool and hit John, knocking him back several feet.]

Andy: (jumping to his feet) Hey! That's cheating!

John: (recovering) Yeah, that's a Ranma 1/2 move!

Jared: So? A master must occasionally break the rules constraining his
style.

John: (assumes a fighting stance) But breaking those rules can
carelessly harm others.

Jared: (doing likewise) All things in moderation; a true master knows
when the rules must be enforced.

[The third Goon also takes up a fighting stance. A dramatic winds blows
through, causing the Goons to shiver in their bathing suits.]

Asuka: (behind the wall) What the Hell is this tumbleweed doing here?

Jared: < *_* > Asuka-sama!

Asuka: (behind wall) Stay away, you freak!

John: That's our tumbleweed...

Andy: Hey, who's got the popcorn?

Shinji: Oh, Jared left it in his Eva.

Jared: Oops. Well, I guess this means we can't do this, then.

[The Goons slowly lower their guards. Shinji sighs in relief. Jared
bolts for the wall and starts scaling it at a surprising speed.]

John: Jared!

[Until he hits the exposed electrical wires.]

Jared: (skeleton illuminated) YEEEEAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!

[He plumets to the pool.]

Jared: (floating face up in the spring) < @_@ > Asuka-sama...

John: Not pleasant, but somehow... better.

Andy & Shinji: < 0_0;;; > ...

Asuka: (behind wall) Hey! We're short a bottle of shampoo.

John: (snaps his fingers) No problem!

Asuka: (behind wall) John? Hey, I didn't ask...

[While Asuka continues to fume, John slaps a bottle of shampoo in
Shinji's hand. The young ace cocks his arm back to toss it over the
wall when John stops him and makes a few adjustments, perhaps correcting
for wind.]

John: Okay, let it fly.

[Shinji does so.]

Asuka: (behind wall) Whoa! Who threw that?!

Shinji: I-I did.

Asuka: (behind wall) Dumpkoff! You nearly hit me!

John: Damn!

Andy: < -_-; > ...

----------

[NERV Headquarters, Science Division]

Ritsuko: Guys, please stop taunting the fetal Angel.

[After that is sorted out...]

Andy: So....

John: So....

Jared: What shall we do with our `honored' guest now?

[The three Goons and the doctor stare at the embryo, which now floats
harmlessly behind the wall of the AV7 tank built specially to hold the
angel.]

Ritsuko: (shakes her head) I have no idea. I had good money on the
capture failing miserably and having to kiss the mountain goodbye.

Andy: (clicking his heals and standing at attention) I shall not fail
you next time, Doctor!

Ritsuko: < 0_0; > ...... < 0_0;;; >

John: It's funny...

Jared: What?

John: The Angel's embryonic form is almost exactly the same as the
embryo of practically every Earthly creature... and it's eerily similar
to that of we humans... Is it "we Humans" or "us Humans"?

Ritsuko: We... (realizes she's helping him, sighs, tries to come with
something) It took you this long to notice that?

Jared: < -_- > Actually, we've known for a couple of years now, it just
took a while for the topic to come up.

Andy: HEY!! It's MY job to spoil everything!!

John: (reaching for the neuralizer)

Jared: (grabbing a sheet of paper off a nearby desk and not even looking
at it) No, your contract says that you are just supposed to play the
part of the destructive psychopath with a knack for navigating the
ventilation system.

Andy: (snatching the sheet out of Jared's hand) This isn't my contract!
This is a lemon of a Ranma 1/2/ Sailor Moon/ Revolutionary Girl Utena/
Care Bears/ Card Captor Sakura/ Dual/ DragonBall Z/ Gundam Wing
crossover piece!!

Jared: (rhetorically) Wasn't I writing that?

[John is now desperately reaching for the flashing-thingy, then realizes
this is more of a "Fist of Death" moment. Andy and Jared give Ritsuko
separate glares: one, disgust, one, approval. Then, John breaks a 2x4
over each of their heads. The blow doesn't knock them out but at least
gives them something to think about. John ushers his comrades out of
the room, not even bothering to give the chagrin doctor a look.]

Ritsuko: (after she is alone) I really, really, really, really, REALLY
[HATE] those guys. But at least they didn't see this! (holding up a
small notebook)

[We can see the notebook's title, clearly labeled for all to see
(including subtitles): THE ANGEL COMPATABILITY PROJECT. Then a hand
reaches down from a nearby grate and plucks the notebook out of the
Doctor's hand with an audible "Yoink!"]

[Misato walks into the Science Division and casually notes Ritsuko,
breathing heavily. Next her gaze floats to the smoking pistol in her
hands, and then to the bits of ceiling tiles on the floor.]

Misato: < 0_0 > I take it this is a bad time?

[Ritsuko was later seen on a Tokyo-3 street corner in a sandwich sign
with "The End is Near" painted on the front and back.]

----------

["Secured" Conference Room, NERV Headquarters.]

John: (veins about to explode) ORDER!! ORDER!! I SAID SIT YO' ASS DOWN,
BI-OTCHES!!

[Andy gets off the desk and complies, Jared lets go of the overhead
light he was swinging on and lands in his seat.]

John: (composing himself) In spite of some near-misses and almost fatal
errors... (glares at the other two) we actually managed to survive two
episodes worth of Eva. Well done, gentlemen. But before we pat ourselves
on the back, (smirks as the two cease patting their own backs) we must
prepare for what is to come.

Jared: The day Tokyo-3 stands still?

John: Exactly. The lights go off, the place gets hot, Misato and Kaji
get stuck in an elevator for three hours... (pauses to imagine what
should have happened)

Jared: (obviously thinking the same thing) We can rig an airborne
aphrodisiac in the elevator.

John: Too risky. We need a plan, we know what the Angel can do--

Andy: (in a rare moment of intelligence) Actually, we only know how it
will attack if presented with a very specific situation. It could spray
acid if attacked from ground level or any number of feats.

[Jared and John blink. John pats Andy on the head and offers him a
bone-shaped biscuit.]

Jared: Err, right. I say we smuggle our Evas above ground before the
whole place shuts down.

John: Smuggle?! Smuggle?! It's not like we can stuff them under our
jackets and tip-toe up 40 levels!

Andy: (still in the grips of human rationale) And we can't just sneak
them out by piloting them. Giant robots are inherently, non-stealth.

[Eyeballs swivel in patterns they were never meant to move through as
the two (relatively) saner goons boggle. Now John and Jared are
convinced that Andy has been possessed by some higher power.]

Jared: What we need is the biggest Ninja Vanish on the most grand of
scales...

John: What we need is to be up there practicing when SEELE cuts the
power.

Andy: (yep, still possessed) You know that they won't let all three of
us up at the same time.

Jared: (God mode to Andy) Then thou shalt be charged with leading the
heavenly beauty Asuka--

John: (interrupting) And Rei... and bring Shinji while you're at it.

Jared: (continuing in God Mode) --down through the passageways, unharmed
to her Eva--

John: (correcting) their Evas.

Jared: --Eva...s. (to John) HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY GOD MODE!!

John: Oh, I dare all right.

[The possessed Andy ducks into a ventilation duct to avoid the two
clashing Americans.]

----------

[Tokyo-3. A few weeks later...]

[Asuka, Shinji, Rei, and Andy are walking along the street towards the
underground subway to NERV]

Asuka: (looking suspiciously at the Goon) And what are you doing here
anyway?

Andy: What?

[The three pilots stop and surround Andy.]

Asuka: (counting off fingers) One, the pervert and the psycho are
nowhere to be found, (Shinji points at the two Evas facing-off in the
foreground) Okay. Two, they left you unattended, which is like leaving a
toddler in a roomful of shiny red ICBM launch buttons within reach.
Three, instead of taking advantage of this, you decide ON YOUR OWN to
attend a sync test.

Andy: (calmly) Your point being?

Asuka: Something is up.

Rei: indeed.

Shinji: This is totally OOC for you. You three have something planned.

Rei: and we will know what that is.

Asuka: Just spill it, Andy. Maybe the authorities will go easy and just
electrocute you.

[At that moment, the ceaseless hum of the power lines above the group
goes silent as all the power in Tokyo-3 makes like Prince's career.]

[Dead silence]

[Then....]

Andy: < -_- > You had to mention electricity, didn't you?

Asuka: (grabbing Andy in the choke-hold of death) WHAT DID YOU IDIOTS
DO?!?!?

Andy: (trying to breathe) IT.....Is......Time.....

Shinji: Time for what?

[Andy suddenly frees himself from the choke-hold and leaps outside of
the circling EVA pilots.]

Andy: Time to play 'follow the Mad Mecha pilot to the Eva cages' time.

Shinji and Asuka: < -_- > Yeah. Right.

Andy: Oh really? The city's power is out, NERV's generators are devoted
to maintaining the MAGI, an Angel is skittering across the landscape
towards us and our Evas are thousands of feet beneath! If you think you
can navigate the maze of ducts, passages, and catwalks down to the cages
faster than I can, then be my guest! You go your way, it takes you until
the Angel is here to rally the Evas. You follow me, you're at least at
your Evas when Gendo starts manually setting the mecha up. SO WHO'S WITH
ME?!

[Only the crickets can be heard applauding.]

Rei: (looking up from the NERV manual) he does have more experience with
the passages...

Shinji: My father? ....

Andy: No time to space out now, invertebrate. Time's a wasting. ONWARD!

[Asuka lingered for a few seconds pouting before she ran to catch up
with the troop.]

----------

[Meanwhile...]

Jared: (to John) Goldfish, this is Prairie Dog, do you read, over?

John: (to Jared) Roger that, Prairie Dog. Reading negative electrical
readings in T-3, what's your read?

Prairie Dog: Roger that, Goldfish. Tokyo-3 has zero electrical activity.
Begin operation Picket's Charge.

Goldfish: Roger that, proceeding to intercept target Alpha, over and
Out.

[The two Eva's break into a run and quickly head towards the Eastern
coast. As the Mecha disappear over the horizon...]

Prairie Dog: Goldfish, who IS this Roger guy anyway?

[The last hope for Mankind, Ladies and Gentlemen. The LAST hope.]

[Thunder rumbles ominously]

----------

[An elevator car in NERV... a familiar scene. Need we set it for you?]

[The lights are the first thing go, plunging the tiny cell into darkness
for a second before the emergency lighting kicks in, bathing the
elevator in blood red light. The two occupants, a certain Ryouji Kaji
and Misato Katsuragi, are somewhat rattled by the sudden darkness.]

Kaji: Whoa... that can't be good.

Misato: (fuming) Those... Americans! Oooh--!

Kaji: Hmm? Those guys we picked up a few weeks ago. What have they done
now?

Misato: (waves at the walls of the elevator) This!!!

[Above and unknown to the two unwilling passengers, a tiny misting
device starts to release its deadly venom into the atmosphere. Misato
and Kaji stare at each other for a few moments, then turn away,
adjusting their clothing. At length, one of them speaks.]

Misato: It's getting hot in here.

Kaji: (removing his jacket) You can say that again.

Misato: It's getting hot in here.

[There is a short and uncomfortable silence following that, then Kaji
begins to chuckle.]

Misato: (fidgeting with her jacket) What's so damn funny?

[Kaji's chuckles turn into burbling giggles, (which looks strange coming
from a guy like him) then into an all-out gale of laughter. He is
holding his sides as if they hurt, and when he turns to Misato, he
stumbles, and pitches into her. Misato grabs Kaji, holding him by the
shoulders. As she pulls him a few inches away, she realizes where his
head was resting.]

Misato: You... you... < *_* > pervert...

[Kaji slowly stops laughing, looking into Misato's eyes, which seem to
smolder with an inner passion. They lean closer, intent on one another's
gazes, completely ignoring the four low-light, battery powered cameras
that are revealed by several sliding panels.]

[Well, you asked.]

----------

[Meanwhile, elsewhere in NERV...

Asuka: WHERE THE HELL ARE WE, BAKA??

[A minor dispute is taking place.]

Andy: (Beating Rei to the punch) Sublevel D, Section 42A, Subsection R.
Any other stupid questions from the peanut gallery?

[Andy looks to the... well, peanut gallery (at least that's what he
considered them to be).]

Shinji: Uh... I think she meant how far are we from the Evas?

Andy: (kicking open grate with foot) By my estimate, about halfway
there, more or less. (thinking) John and Jared are having the time of
their lives up there and I'm stuck leading these three.

----------

[At the battle...]

[Eva clashes with Angel, sending clouds of dust (and small buildings)
into the air left and right. The Angel, with eight long legs surrounding
a (relatively) tiny body seems to have the advantage, but the weeks of
anime-based training have paid off, and the two Goons still have their
limbs intact.]

Prairie Dog: YEEE-HAAAW!!!

[We're not even going to talk about their sanity.]

Goldfish: Prairie Dog, how is that helping our battle?

Prairie Dog: Goldfish, keep the chatter to a minimum, please.

[The two Evas, minus large portions of their armor, run in a zig-zag
pattern, crossing each other's paths, then circling to attack the Angel.
Prairie Dog goes high with a light Kamehame-ha wave for cover fire,
Goldfish dashing in low with a shoulder charge led by his progressive
knife.]

[The Angel, in a display of all-too-human tactics, kicks both of the
Evas away with little trouble, smashing Goldfish's prog knife and
letting the Kamehame-ha wave wash harmlessly over its AT field.]

Goldfish: I told you!

[The pair charges away from the Angel again, leading the monstrosity on
a rampage over the city, kicking up more small buildings left and right.
Its legs move with unnatural speed, coming quite close to decapitating
the Evas. Eventually, the pair circles around the Angel, pinning it in a
nest of hills.]

Prairie Dog: Quick Kamehame-ha wave!

[If you've seen the DBZ movie this is from, what happens next shouldn't
be much of a surprise. Unit-03 and Unit-05 throw the classic Kamehame-
ha, synching their movements. The full-strength blast that comes out
stops at the Angel's AT field, but it also stops the Angel from
advancing or attacking any more. A power struggle begins to form, when
the Angel suddenly decides to take to the sky. The beam flies through
the space its target used to occupy and annihilates the hills beyond,
then contiues over the ocean until it flies free of the Earth's gavity,
searing into space.]

Prairie Dog: (looking more than a little worried) It didn't work!

Goldfish: (staring) I didn't know it could do that...

[The Angel lets loose two bursts of acid from above. The Evas, drained
and moving sluggishly, nearly get it from the acid.]

Prairie Dog: (In agony) IT'S EATING THROUGH MY ARM!!!!

Goldfish: (screaming) WE'RE GONNA DIE !!!

[I said, `nearly.']

Prairie Dog: Mou... You're ruining all of our fun...

[And somewhere, a Fourth Wall is crying. {Many thanks to Twoflower ^_^ }]

----------

[The ducts...]

Asuka: (Eyebrow twitching) WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MORE OR LESS?

Andy: (gesturing toward the vent duct) Vent navigation is not an exact
science.

Asuka: (veins throbbing) IT'S NOT A SCIENCE AT ALL!!

Andy: (calmly) So then why are you asking for such details? If you want
scientific answers, you ask John, you want perverted answers, you ask
Jared*, YOU WANT BIG EXPLOSIONS, YOU ASK ME!!!

[* All too true.]

Asuka: (faint blue aura) I WANT TO GET TO MY EVA NOW, MANIAC!!!

[Asuka kicks Andy through the vent duct. There is a moment of silence as
the goon's body whistles down a fifty-story vertical vent shaft. Then
comes many loud, painful noises and screams of pain. Finally...]

Andy: (a looong ways down the shaft) ... found it...

Asuka: (blinks) ...

Ritsuko: (from waaaaaaaay down below) Oh there you are. Where are the
others?

Andy: (from waaaaaaaay down below) The Red Haired Demon cast me into
this foul pit, and now I fear the others are at her mercy.

Asuka: (Fifty-stories up and descending) BANZAI!!!!!

Andy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[A rope ladder drops through the vent duct, and Shinji and Rei descend
into the Eva Hanger. Asuka grinds her foot once and then hops off the
makeshift landing pad. Andy, the aforementioned pad, stumbles to his
feet and stakes his head clear before he notices the other pilots. Then,
he looks up.]

Andy: Not that I'm complaining or anything, but where did you find the
ladder?

Shinji: Ayanami had it.

Andy: < 0_0 > Rei...?!?

Rei: I am merely using the technique that you, Waddell, and Genoni have
demonstrated.

Andy: (freaked slightly) OOOkay, Let's get MECHANIZED!!!

----------

[At the scene of battle, Goldfish and Prairie Dog are still fighting the
Angel. By now, they have pinned it between a Mazenko and a Kamehameha,
angling the beams slighly so that the Angel is pinned to the ground. It
breaks free after only a few seconds of struggling, trying to bum rush
Goldfish. However, its tactics have become repetitious and Jared smashes
an Eva-sized two-by-four over the Angel's head. Goldfish leaps out of
the way as the four missing pilots climb onto the surface like
mountaineers finally gaining Everest's summit.]

Andy: IT'S TIME TO PARTY!!!

[Unit-04's wings snap into flight mode onimously, the Eva stalking
toward the battlefield like a true Angel of Death. Unit-03, however, is
ignoring this, staring at a puddle of acid that is slowly eating through
the ground. Inside the entry plug, `Prairie Dog' looks hard in thought.
Calculations buzz and gears turn as his mind tries to find a solution to
their problems, preferably one that doesn't involve the voluntary
detonation of an S2 unit within city limits. Time is running out,
though, as the Angel struggles to regain its footing.]

[You can almost hear the hampster panting.]

Goldfish: Prairie Dog, come in. Do you see something there?

Prairie Dog: Eurika!

Goldfish: I'm what?

Prairie Dog: (Unit-03 points) Andy, take up a gunnary position on that
mountain!

Andy: (readying his pistols inside of Unit-04) Aye-aye!

Goldfish: Prairie Dog, what's going on?

Prairie Dog: Acid, Goldfish. Now get Rei down and prepare to give me
some cover fire.

[The Angel is up on six of its feet, eyeing the Evas. Unit-05 sacks
Unit-00, just as something like a giant luggie flies over the pair.
Goldfish quickly takes up a Mazenko position, startled to find Rei in
Unit-00 duplicating his actions. He shrugs, then lets his blast go. Rei
follows suit a moment later, stopping the airborn Angel in mid air. Andy
is still charging up his Final Flash attack, waves of energy pouring off
of Unit-04, causing the behemoth to rise above the scorched earth.]

[Unit-02 and Unit-01 look at their guns, and decide that such primative
weapons aren't quite up to par anymore. Just then, Unit-03 rises from a
crouch, two tanker trucks tucked under its arms.]

Prairie Dog: Shinji! Asuka-sama! Catch!

[The tankers are tossed through the air and the receiving Evas catch
them, cradling the trucks gently. Prairie Dog sprints for the ground
under the struggling Angel. Behind the running form of Unit-03, a new
sunset is forming around Unit-04. A Final Flash of epic porportions
bursts forth and slams into the Angel from behind, straining the alien's
AT Field tremendously.]

Asuka: What's in these things?

Prairie Dog: (sliding under the Angel) One tanker truck of Anhydrous
Ammonia, one tanker truck of 75% Hydrogen Peroxide.

[Unit-03 raises its arms towards the Angel, which is centered in the
largest beam battle in history. Inside Unit-02's cockpit, the young
pilot's mind tries to figure out what Jared is up to, but gives up after
a few seconds. Figuring out a Goon's thought process is simply beyond
most people who aren't on drugs. Prairie Dog then launches his own
favorite, at the underside of the Angel. Andy and Goldfish are thinking
along the same lines, and with Rei following suit, the four Evas alter
the direction of their beams so that all three are hitting the Angel
from below. The ground around Unit-03 begins to melt and buckle, and a
slowly swirling wind is picking up debris and flinging it about like a
twister.]

Prairie Dog: QUICK! THROW THEM IN!

[The other two Evas cock their arms back, ready to throw the tanker
trucks like some huge loaves of bread. The Angel drops a dozen feet,
mashing Unit-03's feet deeper into the ground. The strangely colored Eva
responds with a Kaioken, pushing the Angel back.]

Andy: (thinking) Hey! That jerk!

[Unit-02 and Unit-01 let their ammunition fly. We can see now that the
Angel's AT Field is being directed completely downward, and it is unable
to shield itself from the two trucks. In response, the Angel throws two
more gobs of acid at the tankers, hitting the metal cylinders just as
they impact the Angel.]

[Bad idea.]

[What we have here is an extremely powerful explosive in the making.
When one mixes an incredible strong acid, say... Nitric acid, with a
very strong base, such as... Ammonia, one gets a highly unstable
substance called Ammonium Nitrate. Sound familiar? The stuff makes
excellent fertilizer, not to mention an excellent explosive. Next, add a
dose of almost pure Hydrogen Peroxide, which is the world's most
powerful oxidizer. Now, as any scientist in NASA (or a certain
now-deceased terrorist) can tell you, the chemical that has just been
created is not really as exotic as it sounds.]

[After all, what's one hundred and fifty tons of rocket fuel?]

[Boom.]

[Amazing what a little chemistry can do to liven up your day.]

[After the blinding flash and fireball recedes, we see the tiny crater
that Unit-03 had been standing in now covers most of this section of
Tokyo-3. The surrounding hills are charred and free of almost all
vegitation. The remains of once great buildings have been melted into
piles of glass and slag. Thankfully, the crater is a shallow one, and
both the shelters and NERV are unharmed. The Evas, on the other hand...]

John: Is everyone dead?

Asuka: I hurt too much to be dead.

John: Andy? Shinji?

Shinji: Oww...

Andy: That... was... SO COOL! Let's do it again!

Jared: No.

John: Are you okay, dude?

Jared: I... can't move.

Andy: Hah. That's what you get for using the Kaioken! Weakling.

Jared: Why you--ow!

Andy: BUWAHAHAHA--ouch!

John: Heh. Rei? Are you okay?

Rei: i am functional.

[Most of the Evas are at least partially buried in the debris. Unit-04
is covered in baked sand to its waist. Unit-01 looks to be in a similar
condition, but is more scorched, lacking the protection of a ki aura
through the blast. Unit-05 covered in a fine sheen of dust, still
somewhat shielding Unit-00. Unit-02's legs are sticking out of a newly
minted hill, and the Eva takes a few seconds to struggle free before
dropping to one knee and shutting down. Unit-03 is still frozen on one
knee, arms raised to the sky. Most of the AV7 has been blown clean off
the beast. Asuka dismounts her Eva, the other pilots doing so after a
few minutes to catch their breath, and the group gathers at the center
of the crater, in the shadow of what remains of Unit-03.]

Asuka: All right, pervert, whose grand idea was it to do that?

Jared: (laying on the ground, plug suit still smoking) Mine.

Shinji: You nearly got us all killed!

Andy: (mumbling to himself) 'splosions... cool... heheheh...

Jared: Things are not quite how you make them out to be, Shinji.

[The pilots settle down, sitting in a rough circle in the shadow of
Unit-03.]

John: That was one hell of a fight.

Jared: We should do this again some time.

Shinji: What happened with those trucks?

Asuka:  Simple. Using some basic chemistry principles, Jared turned
the entire Angel into a bomb.

Jared:  There was more too it than that.

Andy:  Like getting its AT Field out of the way first.

John:  Which, if we'd used a sneak attack, wouldn't be necessary.

Andy:  Yet giant mecha are rarely good for that kind of work.

[Rei, Shinji, and Asuka's eyes are snapping from Goon to Goon to Goon
like a three-way tenis match.]

Jared: It was used in Gundam Wing.

[Andy makes a shushing motion to Jared while John speaks.]

John:  So we had to get it into a knock-down drag-out fight.

Andy:  But even two Evas wouldn't do much, since they weren't
equipped with weapons, and this Angel had an extremely powerful AT
Field.

John:  Fortunately, in the original events, it never had the chance
to use it, otherwise the series would have ended right there.

Jared:  Since its AT Field could be detected from over a hundred
kilometers away, it doesn't surprise me that the sucker was so tough.

Andy: (thoughtful) I'm guessing the tanker trucks were just a last-
minute idea.

Jared: (shrugs) It was a burst of inspiration. I was actually looking
for a truckload of baking soda, but the ammonia worked out better.

Andy: (grinning) We should do this again sometime.

[John quickly bops Andy on the head.]

John: Down boy!

[Everybody looks like they're prepared to wait for help to arrive. Asuka
idly begins drawing circles in the sand with her finger. Shinji checks
the time on his Mini-MAGI and walks to the edge of a small mound of
nearby dirt to watch the sun come down. Rei follows him with John in
tow. Andy still has a fist raised in the air, daydreaming of battles to
come. Jared's head drops forward and the Goon begins to snore lightly.]

Andy: (coming out of his daydream) That must be a pretty exhausting
technique.

Jared: (sleeping) Asuka-sama...

Asuka: PERVERT!!!

John: (watching the still-snoring form of Jared soar high, high into the
atmosphere while attempting to snuggle up against Rei) I'd give it a
nine-point-five.

[Rei blinks.]

[Fade out.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

End Episode 5

[Quick Note: This explosive could not actually be created in the way
described, but I'm not going to point out what's wrong. If you can't
figure this out by yourself, you should not possess such knowledge.
Suffice to say, something like this could very well be done, and the
results are pretty accurate, though the author has yet to detonate
something like this in the middle of a ki blast...]


[The preview music starts up.]

Andy: (VO) In the next episode...

Asuka: (VO) THIS IS REAL LIFE, YOU IDIOT, NOT SOME ANIME!!!

Andy: (VO) Anyway, The rise and fall of great battles, a new pilot
joins the roster, and the coming of a great evil. For this and more,
(end of episode music plays) stay tuned to the next episode of
THREE GOONS IN EVA!

John: (VO)ANDY, I SAID NO DBZ ENDINGS!!!!

Andy: (VO) Well, what would you prefer? Some evil and mysterious hinting
at what is to come without actually coming out and saying it?

John: (VO) That would suffice, but WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY READING THE
 SCRIPT!

Jared: (VO, as if just walking into the 'room') What script?

John: (VO, audible eyelid twitching) WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WHAT SCRIPT'?!!

Andy: (VO, thoughtful voice) It couldn't have been the one he burned...

John: (VO) MAZENKO!!!

[Sound FX of ki blast charging up.]

Andy: (VO) Oh yeah, and KI ATTACKS! See ya there!!!

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