DISCLAIMER: You should know by know that we are not the geniuses behind
Neon Genesis: Evangelion. We've already told you five times so far, and
if we keep on telling you, we'll just get more cynical about it. I guess
we should also state that the techniques described are usually from
Dragon Ball Z.
WARNING: By now you should have the general style of this story down.
Lots of violence, foul language, and many many attempts to get an adult
situation. However, most of us can hold our tongue, and these warnings
get written before we even type the actual story, so we're just trying
to cover our asses.
NOTE: This is a Tag-Team self-insertion fan fiction. This means that we
are supposed to write our own episode, alternating in a logical order.
Unfortunately in the REAL world it turns into more of alternating scenes
for each other, or even writing most of the episode when it's not your
turn.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gendo's office, dramatic lighting, yadda, yadda, yadda...]
[Toji stands before Gendo's Desk, squinting in the low light.]
Gendo: So... you've agreed?
Toji: Let me make this clear. I just want to make sure my sister is
getting the best care possible, got it? I'll be a pilot if that's what
it costs.
[Gendo smiles, lowering the room's temperature by several degrees.]
Gendo: That's the plan.
----------
[Three Goons' Lair of E--err... apartment. Yeah, apartment. Thousands of
cans of Dew are stacked everywhere, turning the apartment into a
collection of small corridors. It's early morning, and I mean EARLY.
Like, it's still dark outside early. The poor trio sits partly awake
around the dinner table playing cards.]
Jared: You know, I just realized something.
Andy: What? That we should be getting our asses to bed?
John: That you're probably going to shoot your foot off at tomorrow's
synch test if we don't get some sleep?
Jared: No, Asuka's already kissed Shinji.
John: No! NO!!! It's too late for this! I am going to bed. (thinking)
Besides, they don't actually kiss until episode 15 in Eva.
Jared: Don't forget to say hi to Rosy Palm and her five sisters for me.
[John stops at the same instant Jared starts snickering. Blushing, he
doesn't turn around when he asks Jared to take it back.]
John: Take that back, now, you fool.
Andy: (finally getting it; drops his cards) EEEWW!!! (jumps to his feet)
That's _IT_, you're going DOWN!!!
[Jared and Andy tumble to the floor, cards and furniture flying
everywhere. John ducks the worst of it calmly.]
John: Guys.
[The card table misses his head by inches and goes out the balcony's
glass doors.]
John: Guys!
[A matching metal chair also passes by him, embedding itself in the
nearby wall.]
John: That's it!
[John literally jumps into the fray. The couch gets turned over. The
front door opens. The Goons crash into the cooking end of the kitchen,
scattering pots and pans. Footsteps come down the entry hall, past the
living room. The Goons break apart for a second, glaring at each other
and all sporting minor cuts and bruises. The footsteps stop in the
kitchen. The Three Goons turn to face the intruder.]
Misato: (morning hair, half asleep in an all-concealing robe) GET YOUR
ASSES IN BED!!! EVEN _INDECENT_ PEOPLE ARE ASLEEP AT THIS HOUR!!!!!!!!
[The Goons and pass out from sheer shock and sleep where they lay.]
Misato: (grumpy) Baka.
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Of Chicks and Evas /
Enter the Feline
--------------------------------------------------
[Morning at Misato's. The Three Goons have showed up here for breakfast.
Jared knocks on the door with his T-shirt still on his feet, and Shinji
comes to answer.]
Jared: Good morning.
[He doesn't look like he means it though. There's enough luggage under
his eyes to take half of NERV to Hawaii for two weeks. He grumbles a bit
as he comes inside, then trips and falls flat on his face before taking
the shirt off his feet and putting it on correctly.]
[Andy comes through the door mere seconds after Jared's entrance. He
looks like he spent the night on a runway and is wearing John's glasses,
walking blindly into walls.]
Asuka: (from her room) SHIIINJI!!! What is all that racket?!!
Shinji: Our neighbors are here for breakfast!
John: But of course.
[Shinji looks up to see John just inside the door as it slides shut.
Without his glasses, he's just as blind as Andy, but he has a far more
serious problem at the moment. His hands, clad in Jared's missing shoes,
are really not useful as they are. He is also sporting several bruises
and some ugly baggage around the eyes.]
Asuka: (from her room) Don't you DARE come in here!
[Jared perks up, but is delayed putting his shoes on (at John's urging),
only to have to stop and take them off again to step out of the entry
area, glaring at John the whole time.]
[At the breakfast table, a lackluster Chinese fire drill is needed to
get the seating arrangements down.]
Asuka: (grumpy and eyeing the Goons carefully) Why did you guys come
over here for breakfast?
John: (acting as the spokesman for the group) Our apartment is filled
with Dew after that run-in with the ninth. It turns out the stuff is
excellent for keeping you awake after those draining ki techniques.
Asuka: (grumbling) But I wanna ki technique...
Jared: THAT REMINDS ME!
John: (rubbing his ears) Now that woke the neighbors, what do
you want to say?
Andy: (still a little sleepy, staring at Jared) What's wrong with you?
Jared: (dramatically posing by putting a foot on the table, which causes
all others present to take their food off the table) I have the most
excellent of excellent ideas!
John: (head in hands, after eating his eggs and toast in one gulp) God
help us.
Andy: (food is consumed in one gulp) This has to be something bad.
Jared: (continuing as if not interrupted) --a Battle Royal for all of
the active pilots, allowing us to test our skills and finally settling
the Eternal Question: Who gets to sleep with Asuka! (a plate flies in
from out of frame and clocks him in the head)
Asuka: (finishing her orange juice) Hentai.
John: Aaanyway, we need to get to NERV, and--
Jared: WHO'S WITH ME?!!
John: No one.
Andy: I am!
[John and Andy glare at each other, then nod. They grab the still
ranting Jared and haul him out of the apartment.]
[After the door slides shut, Asuka stood and went back to her room to
get changed.]
Shinji: (leaning over and whispering) Misato-san?
Misato: (setting her beer down) Yes?
Shinji: (still whispering) Do you know if Asuka is a natural redhead?
Misato: (winks at the boy) Trust me, she is. (sips her beer) Why do you
ask?
Shinji: Oh, it's nothing, maybe it's just the lighting in this room.
Misato: I did put new bulbs in yesterday.
Shinji: That must be it.
[Breakfast continued in silence.]
----------
[The Three Goons are walking down a random corridor in NERV. Jared is
carrying some books under one arm. Andy is fiddling with a robot action
figure. From our point of view, it looks vaguely like a Gundam. John is
poking at the floating keyboard/display of his Mini-MAGI.]
John: (staring at his computer) Jared, I've been meaning to ask...
Jared: Hmm?
John: What are those books you've been carrying around?
Jared: These? Oh, just some material I picked up at the local bookstore.
John: What kind of material?
Jared: (casually looking for escape routes) Useful material.
John: Ahh.
[They walk for a while longer, seeming to take turns at random.
Suddenly, John stops dead in his tracks.]
John: Oops. Turn around. (taps more on his keyboard) Yes, definitely
going the wrong direction.
Jared: I thought that program was supposed to _help_ us navigate.
John: Debugging isn't as easy at it looks!
Jared: (aside to Andy) _Now_ he admits it.
[Andy walks up behind John to look at his screen. In the background,
Jared leans up against the wall and starts to read one of his books
intently.]
Andy: (pointing) Isn't that supposed to be VIR and not VUR?
John: (stops) Where?
Andy: (points closer to the screen) There.
John: < -_- > Yes. Yes it is.
[John makes the correction and types a few more things in.]
John: Ahh, that's fixed it. Thank you.
Andy: Anytime.
John: Okay Jared, lets--WHAT THE?!
Jared: What? (quickly puts the books behind his back)
John: What was that?!
Jared: What? Where?
Andy: (starts pulling on one of Jared's arms) Let us see, damn you!
Jared: There's nothing here of interest, comrade--Oops!
[John yanks one of the books free and reads the title.]
John: (glaring at Jared) 'Hooked on Slavonics.'
[Jared gulps. Andy pulls another volume free.]
Andy: (reading the title) 'Evil Geniuses for Dummies.'
Jared: It's not what it looks like!
John: (grabbing another book) We'll decided tha.... 'World Domination
Made Easy'?!!
Jared: (panicked tone) I can explain that!
[Andy and John lunge for Jared, who hastily gives up the two remaining
books.]
John: (disgusted tone) 'The How's What's and Why's of Assassination:
1001 Ways to Kill People for Fun and Profit.'
Andy: (in horror) Bill Gate's autobiography?!
[There is a long silence. Jared is looking at his 'comrades' as if they
might rip his head off at any moment, without warning. Finally, John
looks a little closer at the 'Evil Geniuses for Dummies' book.]
John: Wait, this is some kind of parody.
Jared: (breathes a sigh of relief) Ahhh.
Andy: So's this.
[Andy looks at John. John looks at Andy.]
John&Andy: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS?!!
Jared: Umm, you didn't ask?
John&Andy: THESE ARE IN ENGLISH!
[The pair begins to read Jared's books intently, guarding them as if
they were a national treasure.]
Jared: (doomed tone) Now I'll never get my comics back...
----------
[The external Eva test range has been witness to some unusual sights in
the past. But now, Andy, Jared, and John throwing ki blasts with their
freshly minted American Evas is about to listed number two in Ritsuko-
san's list of weirdness.]
[We see Unit-02 finishing a session against some Angel targets, with
very little spirit to go with the high explosives. It looks like she's
just going through the motions. After the rifle is out of ammunition,
Ritsuko orders her off the field. Unit-01 takes her place with its own
rifle as Asuka sets her weapon down. Unit-02 looks around furtively for
a moment as Shinji... all together now... centers the target and pulls
the switch (ad nauseum).]
Asuka: (to herself) It's now or never.
[Unit-02 takes up a familiar DBZ stance, as if preparing to throw a ki
blast.]
----------
[Inside NERV...]
Maya: Umm, senpai, shouldn't Sohryu be paying more attention to the
field?
Ritsuko: (looks up from her Quake VII game) What the...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
----------
[At the testing area...]
Asuka: What was that? Oh well. KAMEHAMEHA!!!
[Predictably, nothing happens. An Eva-sized sweat drop rolls down the
back of Unit-02, moving just to one side of the old umbilical
attachment.]
Asuka: (thinking) This didn't look that hard. Am I missing something?
Shinji: Asuka, are we done?
[Unit-02 jumps several stories into the air, landing in a very nervous-
looking pose with one hand behind its back and the other waving
dismissively at Shinji in the blink of an eye. A second sweat drop joins
the first on the Eva's armor.]
Asuka: Eh... heheheh... Uh, yeah, I guess we are done, aren't we? Heheh...
Shinji: Riiiiight.
Asuka: (thinking) I won't actually have to... (a look of horror takes
over her face) ASK them, will I?
----------
[Scene: Deep inside of NERV, within Ritsuko's office. The Three Goons
are present, Andy feeling over every square inch of exposed wall, Jared
looking lecherously at Ritsuko as if he was imaging he was feeling up
every square inch of her body... oh Hell, that's exactly what he is
thinking. John is actually paying attention to what the doctor is
saying.]
Ritsuko: So you'll have to be nice for the new pilot.
Jared: (drooling slightly) That's what you called us down here for?
Ritsuko: Well, this and something else, actually.
John: This pilot wouldn't happen to be one Toji Suzuhara, would it?
[Ritsuko, who was about to finish her cold (and spiked) coffee, spews
the beverage all over Jared, who doesn't notice.]
Ritsuko: (coughing) What do you mean by that? You don't know him, do
you?!
John: (lacing fingers together in a very Gendo-esque manner) Oh, we know
all right...
Jared: So, you want us to train him?
Ritsuko: NO! God no. Just... John?
John: We won't hurt him. (Jared begins to whine) Shut yer ass up.
(Jared stops whining) We'll keep an eye out for the guy.
Jared: What about his girlfriend?
John: We aren't--
Jared: I didn't ask you. (John frowns)
Ritsuko: Who might that be?
[Jared slams his hands down on Ritsuko's desk, which is a feat in and of
itself, as her desk has very little free space.]
Jared: Don't with me, doctor!
Ritsuko: Why would I want to?
[Jared blinks.]
Jared: Uh... well, right. What about his sister?
Ritsuko: We're taking care of her. (Jared's eyes narrow) Eeeeeek!
John: Would you QUIT doing that!
Jared: (un-fazed) Oh, sorry. (returns to normal)
Ritsuko: Out!
Jared: What was the other thing?
Ritsuko: Out!!!
[Andy finds a small vent low in the wall and suddenly disappears with a
'whooshing' noise.]
John: Andy! (follows the other Goon)
Jared: I'm not leaving until you tell me--
Ritsuko: Right... right. Well, remember I said was working on a less
obtrusive interface for your Mini-MAGI?
Jared: Of course.
Ritsuko: Well, I've come up with something that should do the job.
A little attachment with a communicator to provide audio work. A full
set of programs rounds out the system's functionality, and it works in
wireless mode 24/7, so you can communicate with NERV even if the power
is out.
Jared: (under his breath) Like that's useful _now_...
Ritsuko: I heard that. Anyway, we will begin some testing on them
tomorrow.
Jared: I can test one.
Ritsuko: Sure you can.
Jared: Really, I'm good at pointing out other flaws in other people's
work.
Ritsuko: I'm sure you are.
Jared: And perks in women's figures.
Ritsuko: If I give you one, will you leave?
Jared: (shit-eating-grin) Yeeesss.
John: (from ventilation grate) We want one too!
Jared: (swiping the offered device from Ritsuko) Suckers! Only the
enlightened one receives the prototype!
[Andy barges through the door, preparing to throw a Gallat-Gun, Jared
turns, tucking the device into his pocket and posing with his own move.]
Andy: GALLAT GUN FIRE!!!!!!
Jared: KAMEHAMEHA!!!!!!
John: You know, I'm really happy that doesn't work.
Ritsuko: (reverently) So am I. Now leave.
[In a poof of cheesy Power Ranger quality special effects smoke, the
Three Goons disappear... sort of. Ritsuko can see them running down at
the far end of the corridor, their voices echoing back.]
Jared: Damn, this thing's long!
John: Andy, if you were faster, we would be out of range by now!
Andy: Shut up and MOVE!!!
----------
[NERV cafeteria, fairly full as it is lunch time.]
[Toji is eating a lunch brought from home. He's barely nibbling the
meal, as NERV is already sucking the life out of him. Thoughts of his
sister and the unnerving feeling of signing a deal with that devil,
Ikari, weigh heavily upon him.]
[Ting.]
Toji: (looking at the source of the noise) What the-? A screw?
[Ting. Ting. Ting.]
Toji: (thinking) Something's not right here.
Andy: (from above and descending) TOJI SUZUHARA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!
[Fortunately, the cafeteria had high ceilings, so Toji had time to avoid
Andy's kendo stick. The table was not so lucky.
Toji: (in a ready stance) Who the fuck are you?!
Andy: (dusting himself off, casually) Hmm? Oh, it's you. Good reflexes,
dude. We may have something to work with after all.
Toji: What? Who are you?!
[Jared picked that moment to kick open the cafeteria doors.]
Jared: (pointing and screaming) THAT FOOD IS MADE OUT OF CLONED HUMANS!!
[Let it be known that the sound of a cafeteria full of office bunnies
spitting out their food and vomiting simultaneously is NOT a noise you
ever want to hear again.]
Toji: (panic in his eyes) What?!
[And finally John came in for damage control, leaping up on one of the
tables, producing both neuralizer and NERV badge.]
John: (in an authoritative voice) John Genoni, NERV Intelligence. I
would like you all to please look at this pen right here.
Andy: Isn't that a-
[Flash.]
John: Someone was testing a sonic device that emits ultra-low
frequency waves, and accidentally pointed it at the cafeteria, causing
everyone of you to vomit, but it won't happen again.
[Everyone blinked, accepting the memory, then went back to resume their
routines. The three Goons closed in on Toji and led him to the only
clean table.]
John: (alternating glares at Andy and Jared) I thought I told you not to
do the Kuno Entrance, Andy. And Jared, that was just in bad taste.
Andy: What Kuno Entrance?
Jared: What was in bad taste?
John: (thinking) Note to self: berate the morons before you erase their
memories.
Toji: (brain slowly twisting into knots) WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
HERE?! WHO ARE YOU GUYS?!
John: We are merely people who know, I am John. The stupid-looking one
is Andy, and the idiot is Jared. W-
[Any further introduction from John was interrupted by a pair of 2x4's
breaking over his head. It was scary that he wasn't unconscious, but at
least he had something other than how to continuously insult his
comrades to think about.]
Jared: What my associate was trying to say was that we are from the
Intelligence division.
Toji: < -_- > Must be a small department.
Jared: < -_- > Touché.
Andy: We're going to be training you and the other pilots to bring out
the Eva's full potential.
Toji: I think I remember Shinji talking about Evas, those are the giant
robots he pilots?
Andy: In layman's terms, yes. Eva's are the giant robots.
Toji: You guys must be the ones who were fighting that giant spider the
other day.
John: (a large ice cube tied to each lump on his head) Yeah, Kensuke
must've really flipped out when we fired off those DBZ blasts, huh?
Toji: You should've seen the look on his face... oops.
Jared: < ^_^ > We know you snuck out of the shelters, thought with the
big pink one, one would think you two had learned your lesson.
Toji: It was his idea!
John: (the ice cubes gone, completely healed; waving his hand
dismissively) Toji, Toji, Toji, we don't really care about two measly
civilians who willingly put themselves in the line of fire. You got
lectured on enough about that. What we care about is-
Andy: Explosions.
Jared: Ravaging the female cast.
Toji: < 0_0 > ...
John: (pauses to glare at the two other Americans) As I was saying, what
we want from you is your cooperation in the up-coming weeks as we bring
all of the pilots to the next level.
Toji: My cooperation?
Jared: You know, refrain from insulting the beautiful Asuka, encourage
Shinji every now and then, and basically keep in good spirits.
John: And since half of the training involves physical conditioning, it
should be right up your alley.
Toji: But I live in an apartment...
Andy: It's an expression, baka!
John: Anyway, keep smiling, and party at our place to welcome you to the
family. We're right next to Misato's.
[The three Americans get up and escape through the nearest vent as a
squad of custodians kick open the doors...]
----------
John: Asuka!! What are you doing here?!
["Here" was a junction in the service tunnels just above the cafeteria
level. John had been elected for point, thus he was the first to
discover the unexpected intruder in what was once their sanctuary. It
was almost pitch black at the junction, but the multi-national pilot's
silhouette was hard to mistake.]
Asuka: (taking note that Jared was behind both John and Andy) I figured
this was the way you would come, genius that I am.
Jared: I hear my red-haired Goddess!! Where is she?
Andy: (elbows Jared) Quit shoving!!
Jared: (slugs Andy) I must see her!!
[Both start fighting in the narrow corridor.]
John: (ignoring the two behind him) So what did you want?
Asuka: Well, for starters, Worm, I felt I should warn you that Akagi-san
was seriously considering setting land mines in these tunnels.
John: (narrowing his eyes) YOU helping US? What is it you're after?
Asuka: I think you know exactly what I'm after.
[Asuka nods her head towards the two Goons who are still fighting. But
it was _that_ time again, during their fights.]
Jared: KAMEHAMEHA!!
Andy: GALLET GUN FIRE!!
[John turned his head sideways slightly, just enough to make a visual
confirmation. Then returned his attention back to Asuka.]
John: I think we should find a more comfortable place to talk.
Jared: (diving for Asuka) DARLING!!
[Unfortunately, Andy makes a better wall than a door and doesn't take
being charged too lightly. As the two start up again, John herds Asuka
outside into the main halls of NERV.]
Asuka: This isn't exactly easy for me. Just teach me, and if you do a
good job, I won't castrate you with rusty tools.
[John couldn't help but notice that Asuka's hair was a slightly lighter
shade than her usual auburn, much more red to it.]
John: < ^_^ > Charming, but you seem to forget that only we hold the
secret to those techniques.
Asuka: < -_- > And those secrets shall be told, Worm.
John: (shaking his head) Asuka, Asuka, Asuka... You don't seem to
realize who has the advantage here. It's impossible to get anything out
of Andy except gibberish. And Jared will only trade his tutelage for a
date or three. So, let's dispense with this whole "Worm" business, shall
we?
Asuka: (hair becoming more and more red) When you have shown that you
are worthy of a different name, I shall change it.
John: Well, quite frankly, ki attacks require a certain amount of
control, mentally, physically, and emotionally. You are in lack of all
three types. And your preconceptions about yourself and your Eva WILL
be your downfall, Sohryu.
[Asuka's hair was flaming red now and her arm was quivering slightly
trying to reign in her, now trademark, Righteous Fury punch.]
Asuka: (seething) I don't know what you're talking about.
John: I think you do. And I simply don't have time to play doctor with
you, Asuka. Now if you'll excuse me, I do have things to do.
Asuka: (obviously trying not to kill John) Do you want me to beg?
John: Yes, but not right now. (turns to leave) Oh, and before I forget,
we're hosting a "Welcome to NERV" party for Toji, since he's going to be
piloting soon, you're invited of course.
Asuka: (hair color dropping down to a sickly green) WHAT?! That Stooge
is going to be piloting?!
John: Yes, now if you'll excuse me, I really must be going.
Asuka: (murmuring) They'll let anybody pilot those things...
John: (already well down the halls) Oh, have you looked in a mirror
recently?
Asuka: (confused, her hair changing to a light blonde) Not since this
morning, why? Is there something on my face?
John: (about to turn a corner) No, no, nothing like that.
----------
[The office of the Three Goons. Andy is checking out the new ventilation
grate, which is sporting a new set of titanium bars welded into the
surrounding wall to prevent the most troublesome (relatively) of the
Three Goons from wrecking any more havoc than absolutely necessary.
Jared sits at his desk, shuffling through some papers. John is working
at his Mini-MAGI, and from our point of view, we can see it is a map of
Tokyo-3 with numerous colored and labeled dots all over.]
Jared: (looking up from his eternal shuffling) Finished yet?
John: Just about. (looks at Jared) Why are you shuffling those papers?
Jared: It's a metaphor.
John: For what?
Jared: Ask the author, I didn't write this thing.
John: < o_o; > Yes you did.
Jared: < 0_0 > I did? Well, these also have our receiving orders for the
cars.
John: Nani?
Jared: (waves John over and whispers in his ear) Just Andy's though.
It's called through a special box. Ours should be here tomorrow.
[Andy leans between them.]
Andy: Well, that thing won't hold me for long. Are we ready to go?
Jared: (hastily shreds the papers) Yosh!
[Andy grabs a heavy-duty jacket from the coat stand by the door and puts
it on, gesturing at the office's sole egress and ingress. John sighs and
closes the displays of his Mini-MAGI before herding the other two Goons
from the office. In the Hall...]
Jared: (too casual to actually be casual) Well, I'll just pick up the
pilots.
John: No.
Jared: By--
[A 2x4 makes itself familiar with the top of Jared's head.]
Andy: < 0_0; > Was... that necessary?
John: (jabbing a finger at the Goon) _You_ will pick up the pilots.
(offers a bone-shaped cookie)
Andy: (in his Vegeta impersonation) You think you can buy me with that?
John: (waves the cookie suggestively) You can handle it, Andy... that's
right...
Andy: (visibly holding himself back) Must... resist...
[He snatches the cookie from John's hands. The younger Goon smiles.]
John: Good boy.
Andy: D'oh!
John: And the jacket, dude, wh--
Andy: Coat.
John: (blinks) Coat. Where did--
Andy: Equipment lockers, level 34.
[Andy snaps off a bite of his cookie and leaves through a convenient
ventilation duct.]
John: Well, it looks like it's you and me.
Jared: Can I get up now?
John: Sure. Before we go, we need one more thing...
Jared: Do we have the time, I need to finish checking the [Stereo
System].
John: (looks at Jared strangely) Right.
----------
[The Secr--err, apartment of the Three Goons. The stereo test has
begun...]
John: (holding his own against a sonic wave) TURN IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!
[Across the room, Jared is safely behind The [Stereo System].]
Jared: (turning the volume up) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!
----------
[In the Shinjuku-kansai province... about 150 kilometers away.]
Tech: Sir, we're reading a magnitude eight earthquake in the heart of
Tokyo-3!
Chief: Good God man! Get emergency support on the line!
----------
[The wobbly skyline of Tokyo-3, where skyscrapers are dancing a luau.
Andy, Asuka, Rei, and Shinji stop on the sidewalk to watch. Each are
carrying a bag, and Andy is wearing his jacket thingy.]
Andy: (downtown Tokyo-3, with the pilots in tow, is coming home with the
"supplies") Holy shit...
[The other three pilots follow his gaze to the dancing buildings. Then
they shrug.]
Asuka: Earthquake.
Andy: I think not. (hands his groceries to Shinji) I'll see you back at
our place!
[He reaches into his jacket and presses a secret button. A yellow
Ferrari F40 (or something very similar) comes roaring up to the curb as
Andy fishes a HUGE rifle out of the other side of his coat.]
Asuka: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Andy: (offhand) The Grizzly point five-oh.
[He gets into the car and peals off down the road in a cloud of tire
smoke.]
Shinji: I have a very bad feeling about this.
----------
[Outside the Three Goons' Ministry of Ev--Er, apartment. The apartment
door is bending like a T-1000 after a Tequila binge. Said door slides
open just as Andy exits the elevator down the hall. John's battered (but
not fried) body comes through the apartment door as if shot from a
cannon. The apartment door closes behind him.]
Andy: (under his breath) Shimata!
[He takes cover behind a concrete wall, whipping out a pair of sun-
glasses. We can see he already has ear plugs in his ears. Safety,
people! Next, he pulls out a scope from the depths of his jacket, a
large night scope from the look of it, and attaches it to the rifle.
Then he moves to the next piece of cover, seeing John, who is still
alive. Andy looks at his massive gun (obviously stolen from NERV's
armory on one of his many detours through the ventilation system), then
at John, then notices part of his concrete barrier cracking as Jared
continues in his attempt to shatter Japan like the Titanic after a
run-in with an iceberg.]
Andy: (struggling with himself) Apartment... John unconscious... large
weapon... anime within apartment... Nnngh....
[He peeks over the cover and aims through the scope. We zoom to the
inside of the scope and see that it has an X-Ray capability. Inside the
apartment, Jared stands next to the [Stereo System]. The Dew mess from a
few days ago is noticeably absent. The cross hairs center on Jared's
bobbing head, then changes to his heart as the cross hairs can't keep up
with Jared's head banging. Then, almost reluctantly, it switches to the
center of the [Stereo System]'s amp.]
Andy: (grins...) ...
[He pulls the trigger. We zoom inside the apartment in bullet-time
camera. The bullet, a massive round a half-inch in diameter, rips
through the air, through the flimsy metal door, across the main room of
the apartment, and into the amp. After shredding the internals in
slow-motion, it continues out the back of the [Stereo System], through
the opposite wall, through somebody's abandoned (and trashed) kitchen,
through a wall, through a hallway, another apartment, over an alley,
through another entire apartment building, through a hotel, through a
Cthulu cult, through another hotel (with a couple on honeymoon inside),
through an office building right next to a janitor hard at work, through
a file cabinet filled with risqué pictures, out of the office building,
into a small second-floor book shop's bathroom, through it's commode,
out of the far wall, across three city blocks with people frozen in
place {Hey, is this thing ever going to stop?} {Maybe, but I need to
release some stress.} {Hooboy.}, techno music from _The Matrix_ starts
up as the bullet goes through a dance club with undulating teen bodies
frozen in time, through the dance club's speakers (score!) through a
thankfully empty church, through a cemetery (missing the closely packed
gravestones), through a small police station, over a road at the edge of
Tokyo-3, through the SEELE meeting room, with the entire group
(including Ikari) present, over the deck of a ship churning on sea, over
the curve of the moon, near a large spacecraft shooting blue lasers at a
large wedge-shaped battleship that is shooting green lasers back, near a
very tall mountain, to the top of the mountain where a young boy is
whacking a large, knurled tree with a bokken, through a morgue, the
theme music from "The Naked Gun" starts up as is passes through a
hospital, a doughnut shop is next, where the bullet misses a few dozen
cops, two robbers who look like they've just made the mistake of a
lifetime, and exits through a window after passing through the exact
center of a glazed doughnut before passing through a parked car's tires
(the robber's car, in case you were wondering), a college looms in the
distance, where the bullet zooms up on it, passing through several
dorms, shredding wood, then on to rend classrooms and office alike,
eventually hitting almost everything not nailed down (and absolutely
everything nailed down) to be totally destroyed then it hits a large
high-rise building, passes through the so-called bullet-proof glass,
where we see the entire room is adorned with swastikas, on a radar scope
in NORAD, a tech notices a strange blip on his screen.]
Tech: Sir, I'm getting a fifty-cal on my scope.
Chief: What the...
Tech: Uh... never mind sir. It looked like a fifty-cal anti-tank round,
one from a "Grizzly" rifle, sir, but it's gone now.
[... continuing through the swastika-filled room up to the back of a
shaved head, which it enters.]
[Let's not describe what happens as the timer inside the bullet goes
off, igniting the huge explosive. Why? Because it would severely tax me
to explain what happened bare microseconds later, as the hundreds of
pounds of high explosives stored in this room are touched off by the
bullet's detonation.]
[Andy smiles, teeth showing, as his breathing slowly returns to normal.
Silence reigns, almost as disturbing as the noise that preceded it. For
a moment, all that is heard is Andy's heavy panting and John's stunned
silence.]
John: ... I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but thank you for
saving our asses.
Andy: (with ear plugs still in place, cycles the rifle's action and puts
it away) Did you say something?
John: (pause) No. Help me up?
[Andy takes out his ear plugs as John pulls himself to his feet.]
Jared: (from apartment) HEEEEEEYYY!!!!
John: (whipping out a 4x8) Excuse me... (takes Andy's sunglasses) I'll
be back.
Andy: Hey... (thinking) He's been waiting for _days_ to use that line!
[But the destructive Goon quickly breaks down the Grizzly and hides it
inside of his coat. Bare seconds later, as the sounds of John chasing
Jared around the apartment with a very large chunk of splinter-inducing
wood can be heard in the background...]
[Ding!]
[The elevator door opens, revealing the other pilots, looking a little
deaf but otherwise okay.]
Andy: How did you get here so quickly? I had a high-powered foreign
sports car, you all were on foot!
Asuka: You navigate like a drunken spider on a storm-tossed ship.
Andy: Hey, I have a--
Asuka: Mini-MAGI that you cannot use while driving through Tokyo-3
rush-hour traffic at over 160 kilometers per hour.
[Andy freezes in place, his mouth hanging agape. The pilots walk slowly
by him, giving the Psycho a wide berth. Andy does not move, even when
Asuka, pausing behind the rest, speaks to him.]
Asuka: I saw that.
[Andy shakes himself.]
Andy: Saw what?
Asuka: The bullet you fired.
Andy: (blinks) So?
Asuka: Japan has some very strict gun laws.
Andy: (pulls out his Intelligence Division ID) It's part of my job. A
perk of being with NERV's Intelligence Division.
Asuka: (flippantly) NERV. Intelligence. In the same sentence. An
interesting oxymoron.
[Andy gropes for a response, but decides he'll just smite her later with
his vastly superior Evangelion.]
Andy: (thinking) Legal shmegal. I'm the one with the big-ass gun. (beat)
Did Asuka's hair just turn blue?
----------
[The Dungeons of--no, the apartment of the Three Goons. Most of which is
trashed. The couch is clean, but overturned. The entertainment center is
intact, yet the bookshelf has been nearly torn apart and hundreds of
books litter the available floor space. Tennis shoe marks mar the
floors, walls, and curiously, ceilings. The kitchen is pristine, but
clothing is still flying from doorways down the hallway, which holds
access to the Goons' bedrooms. After a second, there is a sound of a
large body (Jared) hitting an immobile object (wall) at a very high rate
of speed (enough to render unconscious, but not kill). Oh yeah, what
remains of the [Stereo System] has a huge hole right in the middle of
it. The enormous speakers stand like giant sentinels at four corners of
the apartment. Andy leans in through the doorway and speaks to the backs
of the pilots.]
Andy: Shame. Jared set it up yesterday. I just wasted the amp; the other
equipment is okay, and the speakers are good. The entertainment system
still has it's own surround-sound system, so we can watch anime. Well,
don't just stand there, put that stuff in the kitchen.
[John comes from the hallway to the bedrooms, looking at Rei while he
speaks to Andy.]
John: Jared is... temporarily taken care of.
Andy: I see. (whispers) Why didn't you finish him off?
John: I'm not hauling these damn things out of our apartment!
Andy: The speakers? I thought we could just repair the--
John: Not with Jared around.
Andy: What about a volume limiter?
John: He knows more about this electronic stuff than I do, sad to say.
Andy: Sonic shield?
John: Ritsuko did cook up some neat stuff for the Evas, she might be
able to tool something up... if she's not already working on it.
Andy: (typing on his Mini-MAGI's screen) I'll make a note to ask her
about it.
[Jared begins to awaken. Strange gurgling, inhuman sounds come from the
bedrooms. Organ music begins to pipe into the scene like an evil fog.
The inhuman noises continue. Shinji pales, his eyes searching for
cover. Rei doesn't take notice. Andy starts patting himself down,
looking for a grenade launcher.]
[John shrugs, still staring at Rei.]
John: He's awake.
Andy: (looking for his sunglasses) I know.
[Shinji shakes himself, then finds the coffee maker still has a cup of
brew left. He pours...]
Asuka: Okay, what now?
Andy: John, my sunglasses?
[John begins patting himself down as well. Jared is bowing in front of
Asuka.]
Jared: Asuka-sama! Thank for attending our humble meeting of the
Defenders of--
Asuka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Jared: What?
[WHAM!]
[A Jared-shaped dent is formed in the wall in front of Asuka, which was
expected, as Andy and John were able to duck in time.]
Andy: (looking at Jared) There they are.
Asuka: (hair glowing red) That... that...
John: (thinking) Defuse the bomb now... defuse the bomb now... Rei...
bomb... Nngh...
Asuka: (hair returns suddenly to a normal color) Well, let's get on with
the show!
[She sets the couch back on its feet and sits on it politely, her legs
crossed in a demure manner. Jared falls out of the hole, landing on the
floor. Rei stands still. Andy pockets his sunglasses after a thorough
inspection.]
John: Well... whatever. Say, where's Shinji?
Andy: Shinji... Shinji! Here boy! (begins whistling)
John: He's not a dog, you baka.
Andy: Bite me. He was in the kitchen a second ago... (begins heading for
the kitchen)
John: (to Rei) If you would, please have a seat near... no, as far away
from Asuka as possible. Mind the remains of the Pervert, please.
[Rei is complying without a word. John casts a final glance at Asuka,
then looks at Rei's... um... well, let's just say some part of her
backside that catches his interest.]
Andy: (from the kitchen) Coffee... cup on floor... this is our special
blend.
[... He then looks up for some reason.]
Andy: Oh shit. (yells) John!
John: (rushes into kitchen) What?!
[Andy points up.]
John: (follows Andy's pointing) Get me a crowbar and some of that
special medication.
[Andy produced the requested crowbar quickly. In the living room, Jared
pulls himself painfully into a sitting position and rubs his head.
Within, a lone gear creaks into motion haltingly. While the Pervert
remains dazed, Asuka gets to her feet and walks into the kitchen.]
Asuka: Ano... Andy?
Andy: Hai?
[Behind Andy, John uses a step stool to get better leverage against
Shinji.]
Asuka: Your sunglasses...
Andy: The ones Jared was wearing when he bowed in front of you? (under
his breath) Idiot.
Asuka: Those.
Andy: He couldn't see a damn thing. They're part of the scope system for
my... my... PlayStation 3. Yeah, that's it. And you can't see anything
at all unless you look at the targeting grid on screen. (laughs
nervously) John grabbed them and couldn't see anything when he went
after Jared. That's why it took so long to knock him out.
Asuka: Ahh... I see. Arigato!
[Asuka hops--hops?! Okay, that's what she's doing, though it looks like
bouncing to me, which is doing some lovely things for her chest...
anyway, hops back to the living room and sits on the couch just as
before. Jared hauls himself to his feet and takes in the scene, then
takes a seat next to Asuka.]
Asuka: Get off of me.
[Did I say next to her? He sat right in her lap.]
Asuka: (hair turning bright red again) GET OFF NOW!!!
Andy: John, Asuka's gonna pop.
John: I'm occupied. Shinji, just let go of that pipe, please.
Shinji: LOOK, I'M FEELING A LITTLE JUMPY RIGHT NOW, OKAY?!!
John: Fuck this.
[John pulls out a syringe and stabs Shinji with it. And lo, does Shinji
descend from the ceiling.]
Shinji: (looking a little dizzy) I'm okay... I'm okay.
John: (putting away his tools) Not psychologically, but you'll do for
now.
Shinji: What?
John: Never mi--JARED!
[We see Jared fly out onto the balcony, where he collides with the outer
reinforced concrete railing after a very unusual journey.]
Jared: < @_@ > Did anyone get the number of that sliding-glass door?
[John grabs the coffee cup from the floor, where it landed right-side
up, with one shot of the golden fluid left. He walks over to Jared, past
the glowing Asuka, and hands the cup to Jared. After one sip, the
Pervert has recovered.]
Andy: (rifling through the anime collection) Only one party is
missing...
[A knock is heard at the door.]
Toji: What the hell happened here?
[That should have been "a knock from the pile of metal formerly known as
a door is heard."]
Hikari: Shh! Watch your language!
John: Why is Hikari here?
Toji: And why is there a hole where your door used to be?
Jared: (putting away the cup in the kitchen and moping up the mess) I
invited her too.
John: (pointing at the remains of the [Stereo System] half-heartedly)
Long story, Toji. Jared, I was the one who invited him here.
Jared: And I invited Hikari, too.
John: (under his breath) I figured she'd just invite herself. Or Toji
would bring her with him.
Jared: (shaking the hands of the new arrivals, which causes them to look
at the Goon strangely) Hikari. Toji. (looks at Hikari) Your sisters
couldn't make it?
John: I KNEW you had an ulterior motive!
Jared: (hand to his heart) You wound me... there is only one woman
worthy of my love!
John: < -_- > The one who tries to kill you on a daily basis after you
try to either bed her or catch a glimpse of her in the buff, correct?
Asuka: (rising from the couch, hair yellow) Hikari, what are you doing
here?
Hikari: (looking at the mashed remains of the Great Sound System) I'm
not so sure anymore, but I was told it was a party and I thought I'd
make a few special dishes.
[John and Jared, who have begun to fight by this point, rolling around
on the floor, stop at the mention of food. Jared is on the bottom, one
hand on John's ear, the other prying John's hand from his throat. A
stupid grin mushrooms on the Pervert's face. John looks pleadingly at
Hikari.]
John: Food? Actual food? Not the crap Misato cooks to kill us?
[A 'HEY!' is heard from next door.]
John: Not the ultra-spicy food Jared cooks to kill us?
Jared: HEY!
John: Real, actual food?!!
Asuka: (looks straight down and sees what Jared was grinning at)
PERVERT!!!
[While Jared's defenses switch from John's wrath to Asuka's Righteous
Fury, John leads Hikari to the kitchen. Kensuke arrives post-haste.]
Kensuke: I have arrived!
[Rei sits quietly in the corner. Asuka is bitch-slapping Jared into
submission at the far end of the apartment, though the Goon is enjoying
the activity far too much for it to be called 'punishment.' John is
showing Hikari the kitchen, and Toji has joined Andy in searching the
Anime Collection.]
Kensuke: < -_- > ... Don't everybody start cheering at once...
[He enters.]
Kensuke: (spotting the damage at the entrance) Most people have working
doors... (sees the [Stereo System] from across the room and zeros in on
it) Hello. What have we here? This looks like damage from a--
Andy: (yanking the damaged equipment away and tossing it into the
kitchen's trash compactor) Excuse me.
Kensuke: Waitaminute, that damage was caused by a Grizzly long-range
anti-tank rifle!
Andy: So?
Kensuke: That gun kicks ass!
[Andy grins.]
John: (from the kitchen) ...and here's the--Why do I feel a sudden
chill?
Andy: This way, my good man. I need to clean this thing after using it,
you know... (he holds his coat open enough for Kensuke to see the
armament inside)
Kensuke: < *_* > Sugoi!
[Exit two gun-nuts, stage left.]
Asuka: Ugh! MEN. (spies Toji) What are YOU looking at?
Toji: Your hair. (goes back to anime shuffling)
Asuka: (en blonde) Hair? Wha...
[In the kitchen...]
John: ...and we had some knives here, but a squirrel showed up outside
of our building last week and Jared kinda went over the edge. Claimed
the poor beast was making faces at him through that... (spies the
wrecked balcony) window... (shakes himself) Of course, he couldn't
_kill_ the beast in question and let it go after he ran out of ammo for
the Desert Eagles. {That brings to mind an image...} Where was I?
Hikari: (weighed down with several dozen sweat drops) ... Finishing the
the tour. Now shoo!
[She starts bustling the Goon out of the kitchen in that busybody way
only a female can, and gets to work.]
----------
[Andy sits bleary-eyed in front of a television that weighs five times
as much as him. On screen, several dozen hideous tentacle monsters fall
to the expert finger manipulations of the player, digital bullets flying
and appropriately digital beasts dying on a virtual battlefield.]
[Pulling back, we see that Andy is pitted against Jared, split-screen
style, and that Jared is dominating the competition. {What competition?}
{Not now.} After finishing off the less-aware Goon with a few
well-placed head shots, Jared stands and heads for the kitchen, joints
popping all the way.]
Jared: (from kitchen) Something's off, Andy.
Andy: Hnn?
[Jared looks around the short bar to see the bodies of John, Toji,
Shinji, Misato, and Kensuke spread throughout the apartment. Asuka,
Hikari, and Rei are not to be seen, locked away in the apartment's
bedrooms. Misato has acquired control over the only couch and the
remainder have taken over the floor. Jared shrugs, uncomprehending, and
looks in the `fridge for some Dew.]
[Empty...]
Andy: (from living room) I'm restarting in five seconds!
[He checks the cupboards.]
[Empty...]
Andy: Four!
Jared: (pulling on his hair) WE'RE OUT OF DEW!!!
[In the living room, Andy has restarted his game to begin a quest of
vengeance from Jared, but leaps to his feet, shocked.]
Andy: < 0_0 > I... feel... faint... < -_- >
[Andy keels over and begins snoring loudly. A few seconds later, Jared
does likewise in the kitchen.]
[Outside, the pre-dawn glow gives way to the freshly rising sun...]
----------
[The Three Goon's hideous hideout of--Er... apartment, which looks
little better than the last time we saw it. The Goons themselves are
slumped over the counter/bar in the kitchen, nursing mugs of
Coffee. John is alert, but Jared and Andy look like they're just
returned from a war.]
Andy: And I was kicking your ass, too.
Jared: You are so exaggerating, man. You had nothing on me.
John: Not again!
[Andy and Jared stop talking. Asuka begins searching the `fridge.]
John: Coffee's right here, Asuka.
Asuka: I need beer.
John: (sips his coffee) You'll have to go next door.
Asuka: Sure.
[She gives Jared a wide berth, but the Goon doesn't so much as
speak. John begins to look worried.]
John: Jared? Are you awake?
Jared: I slept on my back. It hurts.
John: (ignoring Jared, sips his coffee again) ...
Jared: Asuka slept on her stomach, though.
John: (spitting out his coffee) Hurk! How do you know that?
Jared: From her smell, of course.
John: (looks into his cup as if seeking the answers) Do I even want to
know?
Jared: When the human body is laid to rest, fluids tend to flow in
certain directions and collect there. If the person dies, for instance,
blood collects on the lower parts of the body and pools there. While
you're asleep on your side, drool may run out of the corner of your
mouth. Sleep on your back and you get dry mouth. Follow?
John: Okay. So Asuka's mouth was wet?
Jared: It was the pair of lips that aren't on her head.
[There is a long pause.]
John: I think I'm just too tired to figure you out, but I have the
feeling you've said something really bad.
[Jared lifts his head, takes a sip of coffee, and smiles the all-knowing
smile.]
Andy: Who's cleaning this mess up?
Jared: I started the work, so one of you morons had better finish it.
John: I didn't make any of this mess.
[Asuka enters with a six-pack.]
Jared: Well, Andy...
John: (pointing at the booze) Hey, doesn't Misato only need one to wake
up?
Andy: (to Jared) What?
Asuka: She needs three to be mobile.
[John's eyes widen.]
Jared: (to Andy) Start picking up the mess. (to Asuka) Good morning, hot
stuff.
John: (to Asuka) Whoa.
Asuka: (to John) Hold these.
Andy: (to Jared) But why should I?
Jared: (to Andy) I'm busy. Just do it. (to Asuka) Need a kiss to get in
gear?
[Asuka hands John the beer, then turns to Jared, who is smiling weakly.
Comic-book fighting sounds overlay the screen, like the original live-
action Batman series. When they dissipate, we see Asuka walking down the
short hallway and into the background (with Misato's beer), and John
looking down at Jared. The Pervert is doing his best impression of the
Human Pretzel (not by choice... well, kind of) and not liking it. Little
swirlies spin where his eyes would normally be.]
Andy: That looks like it hurts. Well, I'm off to find something for
breakfast.
John: Japanese food, for breakfast? Bleh!
Andy: Hmm... you got a point there.
John: And clean up this sty while you're at it.
Andy: (offended) Sty! Misato's place is a hundred times dirtier than
this! And don't get me started on Rei's apartment!
John: (thoughtfully rubbing his chin) Now that you mention it, something
does need to be done about her living quarters. I never did get her set
up next door. And it's just not safe to let her live so far away from
the rest of us. Why, if there was an emergency or something...
[Andy rolls his eyes in a 'been there, done that' look and finishes off
his coffee.]
Andy: (suddenly remembering something important) Ah! Wake Jared, we have
something important to take care of!
[Fast-forward five hours or so....]
----------
[The pad is clean, finally. Bits of the [Stereo System] are missing, as
are the guests. Andy and Jared come barging through the front door,
mile-wide grins plastered across their faces. John is paging through a
NERV report--the title is blacked out, so we can't tell what it is.]
John: What did you guys do?!
Jared: We have finished it!
John: (reaching for a 2x4) Finished what?
Andy: < ^_^ > The training center!
[John closes up the report and decides against the 2x4.]
Jared: Although we couldn't get it to go up to 100 gravities, we did
manage ten with a centrifuge.
John: (head in hands) Christ...
Andy: We can begin training the other pilots!
Jared: What did you think we were doing?
John: Umm... nothing. C'mon, youse mugs. We gotta git to NERV, pronto
like. Ya hear!
Andy: Aww! I don't wanna!
Jared: Yeah, dude. (calmly slides into the kitchen) It's afternoon, time
to get to bed. We gotta be there at three a.m., remember?
John: (to Andy) How does he do that?
Andy: (to John) Do what?
John: (gestures with his hands) That `sliding' thing, where he moves but
his feet don't. I need socks to get across the kitchen floor like that!
Andy: (shrugs) You need to switch to decaff, man.
Jared: All right, I'm off to bed. (stops; suddenly remembering
something) Oh, before I forget, are we going to start teaching the
pilots how to use ki techniques in their Evas?
John: I don't see why not. Hell, Asuka asked me already.
Jared: (sips his hot chocolate) Really? Hey, why I don't I take her, you
can teach Rei, and Andy can spend the day kicking Shinji and Toji's
asses.
John: (rubs his chin thoughtfully) If I didn't know you better, I'd say
that was a plan...
----------
[Afternoon, the next day. In the Three Goon's office. John is busy
analyzing a stack of reports that Jared and Andy felt were not worth
their time. Asuka burst through the door, startling him.]
John: Huh? What do you want, ice-cream? I don't get off for another
thirty minutes.
Asuka: Har har. The taller stooge told me you were going to start
training the others.
John: (putting away the reports; he's not going to get any work done
now) Look, Asuka. Training is something you all need. Now, it would be
easy to simply lock the four of you in a room with Jared for three hours
a day, but doing that will just get me in trouble with the human rights
people, and none of you will improve at all. So, how do _you_ suggest I
handle the pilots' training?
Asuka: Look, you can do ki-blasts, just teach me how. Surely the stooges
can pick it up from Andy with ease. I'm sure you'd love to teach
Wondergirl, so what's the problem?
John: Frankly, I don't want to teach you. I don't _want_ to teach
anybody. Jared should know about this kind of thing--it's up his alley.
Asuka: You're actually suggesting I get within groping distance of that
pervert?!
John: (icy) In case you haven't noticed, Sohryu-san, I don't parti-
cularly like you. One could even say your presence drives me to...
_annoyance_.
Asuka: (hair flaming red) YAAAHHH!!!
[In a burst of violence not seen since World War II, John finds himself
unconscious under a very heavy desk. Above him, Asuka takes a moment to
calm down. The gods smile upon John that day, for if he were awake, he
would have an excellent view of Asuka's panties from his position.
After a moment of hard breathing, Asuka storms out of the office in
search of Jared and Andy.]
----------
[Now to the Pilot Training Center. This all-purpose complex features a
full set of weight machines, a ring for some action, a separate room
with mats all over the floor for gymnastic practice, a door to the
"gravity" training room, and a set of male/female showers and locker
rooms next door.]
[Andy and Jared are currently in the ring, going at each other with
various esoteric martial arts techniques. Both are sweating profusely,
as they've been at this for a while. Andy's style is heavy and full of
`bruiser' moves, using his slightly superior mass to keep Jared from
getting on the offensive. However, as contested by the bruises on Andy
and Jared's unharmed condition, either Jared is very skilled or is just
skilled at taking punishment.]
[It is after Jared uses Andy's charge to throw the Goon from the ring
and onto the surrounding mats that Asuka enters the room, albeit an
Asuka with green hair.]
Jared: (from the ring, as if he's king of the hill) Hello, Asuka.
[Asuka looks at him. Andy complains, then picks himself up and heads for
the showers. It doesn't pay to get between Asuka and Jared unless you
were made of iron and desire punishment beyond imagination to be
inflicted upon your persons.]
Asuka: ...
[The look tightens into a glare. Jared is game to match it.]
Jared: ...
[Asuka's hair slowly changes back to it's native red, then goes further
into `red' right into `crimson.' The glare is 100% now, possibly capable
of severely burning--if not out right roasting--anything that walks by.]
Asuka: ...
Jared: ...
[The silence draws out, expanding to smother everything but the violent
beating of two hearts.]
Asuka: ...
[Ever so slowly, her eyes locked on Jared's, Asuka climbs into the
ring.]
Jared: ...
[Jared steps back, giving her some space. She doesn't bother to remove
shoes or jewelry--she just takes up a combat stance.]
Asuka: ...
[Jared's glare turns down right nasty. Asuka, lit by a sun-fire red aura,
almost looks ready to bolt, but she steels herself and holds her ground
like the first Marine on Iwo Jima.]
Jared: You're Righteous Fury technique has been nullified now. Are you
ready for the lesson to begin?
[Asuka looks uncomprehending for a moment, then widens her stance
slightly, muscles tightening for the coming fight.]
Asuka: If John won't teach me, I'll just have to go after the
second-best.
Jared: (assuming _very_ casual fighting stance) And Andy would be third?
Asuka: He can stop a tank, but against me, he's just a six foot tall
target.
[Jared tenses for a second, Asuka watching his every move. Her defense
is ready. Jared attacks. His speed is inhuman. Asuka barely manages to
dodge a punch that comes from across the mat. As she sidesteps Jared,
preparing a counter, he casually grabs her forward arm, standing at
ease. The red-head's eyes widen in the instant before Jared's fist slams
into her opposite shoulder like a pile driver. The girl twists in mid-
air, heading for the mat at break-neck speed. A hand flashes out, a foot
comes down, and Asuka barely tumbles out of Jared's stomping kick,
leaping right to her feet on the opposite side of the ring.]
Jared: (_evil_ smirk) Not bad. I have something to work with.
[Asuka's glare, sharper than ever, focuses on Jared like a laser beam
even as she shakes her arm to fight off the numbness in her limb.]
Asuka: (looks at her scuffed fist) You're fast for such a big boy.
Jared: (assumes a Bruce Lee-type stance) Let it be a warning. (beckons)
Come get some.
[Asuka attacks with kicks first, giving Jared a run for his money. The
Goon dodges and weaves, but only barely avoids Asuka's attacks. She
switches to punches and the two duel around the mat, working their way
to more and more complex kung-fu maneuvers at lighting speeds. They
appear equally matched, but while Asuka is grunting with exertion and
really putting herself into the fight, Jared is keeping his figurative
distance and looks sedate, almost contemplative.]
[Finally comes the moment when Asuka clips Jared in the hip with her
fist. It's a definite hit, however mild, and the Goon notices. Suddenly,
the atmosphere of the room changes. Asuka throws a kick into the hole in
Jared's defenses, only to watch helplessly as space and time seem to
warp, allowing the Goon to effortlessly dodge the attack and counter
with a punch to her face, just like a cartoon boxing glove on a spring.
She takes it on the chin, literally. She is thrown back by the force of
the blow, her hair following the arc of her head. Before her, Jared
again looks silently contemplative. She hits the ropes, leaning back. As
the ropes return, it's apparent they've caught her too low, and she is
flipped out of the ring as a result of her momentum. A painful
face-plant follows.]
Jared: Ouch.
Asuka: (not moving) That.... Hurt.
Jared: Indeed.
[Jared sits cross-legged in the middle of the mat while Asuka slowly
peels herself from the floor mat. After a moment, she's reluctantly
standing, looking a little shell-shocked.]
Jared: What did you do wrong?
Asuka: That was the lesson?
Jared: This is the lesson. (he notices) Your hair is back to normal.
Asuka: What of it?!
Jared: Answer the question!
[Asuka snarls something grievously insulting in German, but does follow
the Goon's advice to stop and think about her loss. It looks tempting,
with him sitting smugly in the middle of the mat, but the time lost
getting through the ropes would be her downfall.]
Asuka: You managed to dodge my kick.
Jared: Further back.
Asuka: I hit you?
Jared: Further back than that, Asuka.
Asuka: What, I shouldn't have fought you at all? You fucking misogynist!
I can't believe I--
Jared: WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?
[Asuka's rant screeches to a halt.]
Jared: I attacked with mantis techniques. What followed?
Asuka: I drew back and used a kick. You did that wing thing--
Jared: An Eagle Dive, I think it is called. I corrected for the weight
transfer as you blocked, and...
Asuka: Moved to a sweeping kick. I locked my stance and stopped you. You
tried a series of punches. I countered with circular blocks, you
switched from offense to defense, in the change I managed to get a hit
in, you--
Jared: Stop. You went wrong when I moved to punches. Attack. Attack.
Eagle claw to sweep. You blocked, held. That was good. Your counter was
right there, but instead of hitting me, you wait for my next attack and
it was over.
Asuka: What? You only got one in when I threw that kick, how the fuck
did you dodge that, anyway?
Jared: Listen to me carefully. You blocked, your counter was wide open.
I was on my third attack, full offense, no defense. And what did you do?
You blocked again! That was the stupidest thing you could have done! You
had me. What happened instead? You blocked one last time, then I
switched to the defensive. You threw the punch. The set-up was already
finished, the pincher move complete, the trap ready to spring, the
ambush laid in waiting. You punched. I took a glancing blow. That was
it? A glancing blow?! Then what happened? You threw a kick. Offense felt
like the right thing, didn't it?
Asuka: Umm...
Jared: Didn't it? You walked right into a trap. After so much blocking,
you were afraid I was going to try something sneaky, but I had done my
attacking and now it was your turn. You were lulled into a false sense
of security. I was all set to end it with one punch. You kicked, a piss-
poor attack at that, a white belt could have blocked that trash. Then,
once I dodged, you were lost. No offense left in the wings. Balance
gone. Defense gone. It was like hitting a straw dummy. What did you do
wrong, Asuka?
[Jared's laser-precise breakdown of the last few seconds of their fight
is unbearably accurate, and Asuka is still catching up with it in her
head, ashamed and berating herself for being an easy mark.]
Asuka: Look, big fucking mistake, right? So I'm not--
Jared: [SILENCE!]
[Asuka, almost in tears--half anger, half shame and sadness--looks up,
meeting Jared's intense gaze.]
Jared: What was wrong was your focus. Your technique is amazing. You're
easily the best I've ever fought, technique-wise. You have drive, but
not the raggedly desperate fighter's spirit necessary to make the
technique effective. After all, winning is 10% technique and 90% desire.
[He climbs from the ring, and coincidentally, his bully pulpit.]
Jared: Get it yet?
Asuka: Ah... Um...
Jared: (looks his red-headed goddess up and down) Damn, you sure do look
sexy in that school uniform.
Asuka: HENTAI!!!
[Pow! Bash! Bop!]
Jared: (teeth knocked out, black eye, crawling on the floor) See, the
power lies within you, Asuka! It is within those sexy legs, those taunt,
tan thighs. It is nestled comfortably in your bosso--
[WHAM! One sleeping pervert.]
[Asuka stands mightily over one beaten pervert, virtually shining in joy
and righteousness, having done her best to make the world a better
place. Her hair is a strange blend of green, red, yellow, and purple,
the colors swirling about each other like a mud puddle of sharks. She
smiles, the effort reaching to her preciously cute blue eyes just above
her tear-streaked face.]
[The scene resonates with the readers.]
[Yeah, I kick ass.]
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Of Chicks and Evas /
Enter the Feline
--------------------------------------------------
[The next day. Quitting time, back in the Goons' office.]
Andy: Well, another day of teaching the other pilots how to kick ass and
take names.
Jared: What a bunch of pussies. It'll be months before they can use ki
techniques.
John: What makes you so sure?
Jared: Evas, yes. But without them, months of training!
John: Never mind. What was going on with you and Asuka yesterday?
Jared: Education. Isn't that what we need to do?
John: And what makes you think that _you_ are qualified to teach them
how to use ki techniques?
Andy: (cracks knuckles) Yes, _weakling_. What makes you think you can
teach them how to use ki techniques?
John: Andy, quit repeating what I say.
Jared: Yeah, Andy. Look, gentlemen, how _do_ we use ki techniques?
[Andy gets a clue-less look on his face. John's eyes narrow.]
John: If you're so damn smart, why don't you let us know?
Jared: Translation: He wants me to explain it all to you guys. I can do
that. You see, when we got into our Evas, we were completely insane.
John: (crosses his arms) Granted.
Jared: When we chose to use those ki blasts, it was like the ultimate
fan-boy's dream, right?
[Slight hesitation.]
John: Yeeaah...
Jared: We just _wanted_ to do the ki blasts, and BOOM--if you'll excuse
the expression--they went off. A simple matter of exerting our will, but
there's more to it than that without the Eva.
John: < -_- > Oh, really?
Jared: There are four requirements to executing ki techniques. First,
you cannot be distracted. Second, you cannot doubt your own ability--at
_all_. Third, you must posses the strength to use the power. And lastly,
you must posses the desire. Without the absolute backing of your will,
you cannot use your ki, even if you are the most powerful person in the
universe. There's something about it that doesn't come out in words, you
just have to experience it yourself. Anybody can do it.
Andy: (bouncing up and down in his seat) I think he may have something
here.
John: Andy, shut up. Jared, you were just telling us how this is
different in our Evas.
Jared: The Eva's are pre-wired for strength, and energy generation--
they're built for that purpose. All that remains is focus and desire. We
had that once, and once you do it, you can do it again and again and it
gets easier every time. I suspect something similar will happen once we
get the hang of this _outside_ those biomechanical monstrosities.
John: Son of a bitch.
Jared: Actually, I thought I was the pervert.
----------
[One Week Later.]
[Asuka enters the newly commissioned Pilot Training Center. The only
other life form (questionably human) present, is Jared, who stands in
the middle of one of the open mat areas, throwing punches into the air.
Asuka unconsciously grips the shirt flaps of her gi, pulling them closer
together to cover her chest, which is also concealed by a formidable
sports bra and a T-shirt, which is a real shame, otherwise I would get
to describer her.... okay, the other authors are hoisting implements of
destruction, so I'd better stop there.]
[Asuka makes for the furthest point from Jared that will allow her to
warm up a bit, and starts her stretches. Jared finishes his punches at
five hundred, then starts on some kicks. By the time he's finished with
another set of five hundred, Asuka's sweating lightly and ready to start
some serious training. Jared, on the other hand, looks about ready to
drop, his tank top drenched in sweat, his hair (uncut since his arrival
in Tokyo-3) hanging in wet spikes over his eyes. With a crazed look, he
breaks into a fast run, circling the large room.]
[Asuka cracks her knuckles. John enters the room, instantly taking in
the scene. As Jared rounds the last corner before Asuka's part of the
room, he picks up speed, now in full sprint. John steps into the middle
of the room calmly. As Jared passes the red haired beauty, his eyes
start tracking her chest with unnerving accuracy. Asuka's skin starts to
take on a green tint and a fist tightens by her side. John begins
searching his pockets for some popcorn.]
[Just as Jared passes Asuka, his hand flashes out in a speed-of-sound
groping. Asuka snaps and her fist whistles through the air towards
Jared's head.]
Asuka: (raging) [P_E_R_V_E_R_T]!!!!!!!!
[Her fist, however, misses by mere inches, and the Goon _really_ turns
on the speed now, with a faintly glowing Asuka in pursuit. Just as she
closes in for the killing blow, Jared leaps from the floor, clearing a
rack of ten-foot tall weight machines as if jumping a short fence.]
[John's fingers cease working at the popcorn's packaging.]
[Asuka follows suit with slightly less grace, but hardly less power, her
hands preparing to eviscerate the Goon on contact. Jared rebounds off
the far wall with one foot, lands on the mat, trips, stumbles, tries to
regain his balance by flailing his arms at Tokyo Shuffle speeds, only to
be clocked by Asuka, who landed behind him in a running charge and has
used his distraction to execute a perfect running clothesline.]
[Jared, having once been the first supersonic trans-pool human cruise
missile, is now being entered in the hall of records as the first
supersonic trans-gymnasium human tumbleweed as he streaks toward the
opposite end of the gym in a tangle of blurred limbs. With a crashing
sound that brings to mind fighter jets heading into the ground nose
first, he comes to a less-than-comfortable stop in the wreckage of the
wall. There is silence... until John tosses the bag of popcorn aside.
Asuka flips her hair back with one hand, smirking.]
Asuka: Feh. He deserved it.
[As Asuka leaves the scene, satisfied she's done her bit for king and
country, Jared suddenly leaps from the pile of debris, flips three times
in the air, and face plants on the mat.]
Jared: (voice muffled by the mat) Hmm... my dismounts still need work.
(leaps to his feet) BUT FOR NOW...
[Jared reaches into his shirt as if fetching his passport, which looks
odd on someone who's wearing just a tank top. From the depths of his
shirt, he fetches...]
Jared: < ^_^ > Sweeto!
[Asuka's bra?]
John: (eyes wide) Uh-oh.
Asuka: (distant) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Jared: (hands the bra to John) I'm not here. (assumes bizarre pose,
plainly visible)
[Asuka comes storming back into the room, her skin glowing a nice Dew
green, the glow seems to be trying to take over her eyes, though. She
spies John, spies her sports bra, then starts cracking her knuckles.
John calmly lays the article of clothing on top of Jared's head, utters
a short prayer for the dearly about-to-be departed, and makes tracks for
the door.]
Jared: Yipe?
[Asuka closes in on her prey, not unlike a lion stalking an antelope
frozen by fear. Jared tries cracking a winning smile, the straps of
Asuka's undergarment obscuring part of his vision.]
[The green glow finally inhabits Asuka's eyes. She jerks, then continues
her march of death toward Jared. As she reaches him...]
Asuka: (pleasant voice) Thank you for hanging onto that for me.
[She politely removes the bra, then gives Jared a chaste peck on the
cheek. As Jared's face turns red and a trickle of blood comes from his
nose, she turns on her heel and walks provocatively out of the room,
past a slack-jawed and staring John.]
----------
[The next day. {John's bugging you to finish this thing up, isn't he?}
{Shut up.} We're back at the Eva "testing" grounds. Unit-03 is next to
Unit-04, demonstrating the Kaioken technique for practice purposes.
Unit-05 is near Unit-00', demonstrating ki blasts. The other two Evas
are nowhere to be seen.]
Jared: (talking over the comm) Just like that, hold it there. It's like
having to go to the bathroom really badly, isn't it?
Andy: I get it already. When is NERV gonna give us some weapons?
Jared: After you destroyed our friggin' grenade launcher?!
Andy: They'd better build another once, or I'm gonna take my Desert
Eagle to their lily white asses...
Jared: They're not white, they're Japanese.
Andy: RRRGGH! Quit ruining my day, jerk-off!
Jared: (assumes the pose) Make me!
[The nearest launch platform opens up, disgorging Unit-02.]
Asuka: DIE, FREAK!
[Unit-03 kicks Unit-02 away to deal with Unit-04, which is trying to
strangle the near-invisible Eva.]
Asuka: Pervert!
Andy: Jerk!
Jared: Wimps!
John: Get down!
Rei: this looks like fun. wai.
Jared: C'mon, I'll take ya both on!
Asuka: Wimp?!
----------
[That night, at the Center for World Domi--err, Three Goons' apartment,
John is watching TV. Not that there's anything interesting on, but it's
the kind of thing we Americans do.]
Television: (Asuka's voice) "SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU JERK!!!"
[A green glow emanates from the screen, followed by a massive explosion.
The newscaster's voice comes on in the wake of the explosion's noise.]
Television Newscaster: That was apparently the last thing said before a
massive explosion took place in the--
[John turns the TV off with the remote. He then stops to look at the
device... remembering some recent events.]
[---FLASHBACK MODE---]
[In a washroom not far from the pilot training center.]
John: I can't believe you did that to him. He'll be scarred for life. I
know you've been rough on him in the past, Ms. Sohryu, but that he
really didn't deserve.
Asuka: (washing her mouth out with soap) Uleeeve mhuee! Uh dinnuant dooh
anaatynnhe!
John: (sighs) It's just one of those things you have to learn to work
past, Ms. Sohryu. Something here is seriously wrong, and I feel neither
of us should be jeopardizing the delicate mental condition of the other
Children. (thinking) Don't laugh... don't laugh...
Asuka: (finishes rinsing her mouth out) I just wish I knew what the Hell
was going on around here!
John: No you don't, trust me.
[Asuka stands and checks herself in the mirror. Thankfully, her hair is
its normal color.]
Asuka: Ugh! I can't believe-- ... Okay Asuka... just calm down. It's in
the past, and I know I just have the right to pound him on sight.
[She clenches a fist in determination.]
John: I can't speak for Jared, but I'm making an effort not to make this
any harder than it has to be. I realize you're under a lot of stress
right now-- (Asuka glares at him) --but even Jared doesn't want to see
you do something drastic. He may be a pervert of the first order, but if
he did let something happen to you, he'd never forgive himself.
[John shuts up then, perhaps realizing he's said too much, perhaps
because Asuka's grip on the sink has caused the porcelain to flake and
crack under her fingers.]
Asuka: I get it. If he can just keep his hands OFF of ME, we'll be just
fine. He may not be the Eva pilot I am, but he can at least take a few
hits while fighting. (turns around and gives John The [GLARE]) But DON'T
tempt me, and it won't become an issue, UNDERSTAND??!
John: Perfectly.
Asuka: (mostly returning to normal) So where was the weapon freak? I
thought he was going to join us.
John: (posing dramatically, waves crash across a rocky shore in the
background, etc.) That foul villain hath traded places with me so HE
could attend the grenade launcher tests!!!
[Earlier that day, in a testing facility on a remote island hundreds of
miles away.]
Andy: (in Unit-04) BUWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!
[Andy pumps dozens of grenade rounds into the surrounding countryside.
The large papier-mâché Angel targets are in flaming pieces and the techs
are running for their lives.]
Ritsuko: I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!!!
[Back in the washroom.]
Asuka: (pouting) Great. And Rei and Shinji are doing their weapon
training right now.
John: (thoughtful) Under Andy, no less...
[The two immediately shake themselves to stop thinking about what Andy
might be teaching the two veteran pilots.]
Asuka: (skins turns plaid) Well, it's been fun, Worm. I'll have to come
by and tear your liver out with my bare hands some other time, though.
John: (thinking as he smiles nervously) Keep smiling, make it look
natural...
[Fast-forward. Some minutes later, John returns to the training room
with a towel to mop up Jared's blood, to find that the mats have been
cleaned and the resident pervert is sitting atop a stack of folded
mats. At first glance, it looks like he's meditating, but he just sits
there, staring at his own hand.]
John: (hopping up on top of the mats) What's up?
Jared: Not much.
John: Thinking about something?
Jared: Cartoon and anime physics.
John: Oh?
Jared: Yeah.
John: And your fight with Asuka, I'd imagine.
Jared: About that...
[---END FLASHBACK---]
[The apartment is eerily quiet.]
John: The Series Hero Effect... Jared, what were you thinking?
Jared: (remembered voice) A simple matter of exerting our will...
John: And now Asuka can do ki blasts. This does not bode well.
[John is left to his thoughts for the remainder of the afternoon.]
----------
[It is almost dark outdoors when Andy and Jared find their way home.
Their arrival is an easy thing to identify, thanks to the unnaturally
loud engine Andy's Ferrari is equipped with. After a few seconds of
ominous silence, a string of girlish screams are heard, moving up floor
by floor. In the apartment, John is working his way through a rather
thick book.]
John: (prophetically) Well, the fool and fool who follows have returned.
[Indeed, the door slides open to admit the two Americans.]
Jared: Yo.
Andy: Hey.
John: Hello, gentlemen. Where have you been?
Jared: < ^_^ > Here and there...
Andy: < ^_^ > ... And back again...
Jared: < ^_^ > ... To the hills and streams...
Andy: < -_-; > ... uh... I can't rhyme that, Jared.
Jared: (scratches his chin) Hm... neither can I.
Andy: Oh well. Food?
Jared: Food.
[They enter the kitchen.]
John: Guys? Guys, you didn't answer my question!
Jared: I was picking up my gear from NERV.
Andy: And we had to make a stop at the Laundromat, like you _asked_
_us_, remember?
John: That was seven fucking hours ago!
Jared: (to Andy) I told you we shouldn't have used the one in Hokkaido.
Andy: (to Jared) How was I to know there'd be a traffic jam on the way
home?
John: (rubs his forehead in agitation) And where is the laundry?
Jared: We have to pick it up tomorrow.
John: No, that's all right, I'll have a courier do it.
Jared: Eh? But my car gets here tomorrow, it'll take way less time for
me to do the pickup!
[Andy glares at Jared.]
Andy: I am insulted.
Jared: Yeah, whatever.
John: I thought you said they couldn't find an F40 to your
specifications.
Jared: They can't, but a classic in recoverable condition was found in
the U.S. I had it shipped here and modified. They'll be done with the
road test tomorrow morning, when we're on our "lunch" break. I'll have
it brought back here, then I'll get the laundry.
John: What kind of car is it?
Jared: That's a surprise. Now, I need to go see Asuka.
John: (rubs his chin again) Hmm... now that you mention it, I haven't
heard her bitching next door lately. Put a gag in her mouth?
Jared: No, but she bit her lip in training. Hadn't stopped bleeding when
we left NERV. You know we have text-message cell-phones in these things?
(lifts the arm with the Mini-MAGI on it) I called the infirmary.
Misato's at the tail end of a fourteen-hour shift. I thought I could
walk her home.
John: (gets up and puts away the book) In exchange for a little hanky-
panky?
Jared: What is WRONG with you?
John: Nothing. (smiles) You're just a pervert. I guess it's in your
nature... (under his breath) It was never this bad before, but...
Jared: I don't believe this, you make all these comments, no wonder
people think like that!
John: What comments? Think like what?
Jared: You're always talking about me being a pervert--
John: You are, how else would I--
Jared: Now everyone thinks I'm a pervert!
John: < -_- > You _are_ a pervert, especially around the Queen Bitch.
Andy: Guys?
Jared: Watch your tongue! You're the one hitting on a _clone_ for crying
out loud. And you call me a pervert?!
John: Even if you are just following in my footsteps...
Andy: Lame. That was very lame.
[It takes a moment for this to sink in with the two arguing Goons. After
they beat Andy down, they resume their argument.]
Jared: Baka.
John: Hentai.
Jared: Hey! (stalks to the door) Well, true.
John: We have to be at NERV in thirty minutes. Where do you think you're
going?
Jared: Out.
[He sets his Mini-MAGI on the table next to the door and tries to slam
it on the way out, but the door, motorized, shuts quietly behind him,
ruining the angst. John, standing in the suddenly quiet and
all-too-clean apartment with an unconscious teammate at his feet,
sighs.]
John: (to the empty room) Well, he _is_.
Empty Room: I know, I'm not complaining.
John: (gesturing wildly) Then why didn't you back me up?!
Empty Room: Jared doesn't listen to reason very well.
John: (making his way towards the kitchen) I know what you mean. I'm
going to have to use some Dew to revive Andy.
Empty Room: Good call. The coffee pot is still pissed at you over the
milk incident.
John: (oppressed sigh) Why me?
Andy: (from floor) Another hallucination?
John: You were awake?!
Andy: (gets up easily) Unfortunately, yes. It seems there's something I
need to do. (heads for the door)
John: Where are you going?
Andy: To train.
[This time, the door is more agreeable, and shuts ominously behind him.]
John: I sense a bad wind coming...
----------
[In Tokyo-3, the sun is setting, a corona of red fire burning on the
horizon. Jared, master pervert, is wandering more less aimlessly about
the city. The air is oppressive, humid, granting only slight reprieve
with a cool breeze from the sea.]
Jared: Hmmph. Just because I'm a daring soul with good tastes... ME a
PERVERT?! I mean, he's after Rei. Rei isn't even... even... come to
think of it, what _is_ Rei? The series was never very clear on the
point.
[From the side, a hand reaches out to catch Jared's arm.]
Man: (in English) Excuse me.
[Jared stops his wandering immediately. He is next to two men dressed in
business suits. One looks to be from India, the other appears more Latino.
Both are dressed very expensively and carry briefcases.]
Jared: (thinking) My God, that one looks like my old boss. And the other
guy looks just like that consultant. Only they're... older. (out loud)
Hai?
Latin Man: You can speak English?
Jared: Uhh, hai--I mean, yes.
Latin Man: I'm Jerry Gullman.
Jared: (thinking) Christ, he _is_ my boss.
Indian Man: I'm Fred Yanasci.
Jared: (thinking) It _is_ Fred. (out loud) Jared. Jared Waddell.
Fred: Pleased.
Jerry: Nice to meet you.
Jared: Likewise.
Jerry: So, we need someone to help us get to the train station. We got a
bit lost...
Jared: I know the feeling. Look, I don't know that much about this place
anyway. I just got here.
Fred: Oh, then you don't know where the train station is?
Jared: (thinking really hard) Well... there is one I _might_ be able to
find.
Jerry: Any help you can give us would be greatly appreciated.
Jared: And I'm kinda due for a meeting in a bit... (thinking)
Asuka... Asuka! (it kind of turns X-rated at this point)
Fred: You'll be compensated, of course.
Jared: (thinking) Huh? Oh. Asuka. Jerks. They can wait. (out loud) A lot
or a little?
Jerry: A lot. (holds up the briefcase he's been carrying)
Jared: (smiles) This way.
Jerry: Thank you so much.
Fred: Sir, you don't suppose--
Jared: I don't, and call me Jared.
Fred: (without missing a beat) Sure thing, Jared. Do you think it would
be too much trouble to make sure we get on the right train?
Jared: As I can speak the language, alas, I cannot yet read the signs.
But, there is VOX equipment there, so I'll give it a try.
Jerry: Yes, I noticed. Not many people on duty.
Jared: Actually, it's an unofficial holiday in Japan. Usually there's
plenty of people there, but right now we have to deal with the automated
crap. (thinking) Stupid NERV. Didn't even give us the friggin' day off.
(he yawns)
Fred: So, when did you get here?
Jared: Many weeks ago.
Jerry: On vacation?
Jared: No, I just got a job here.
Fred: Are you from America?
Jared: Yes.
Jerry: Oh, so where do you work now?
Jared: (thinking) What is this with the ninth degree?! (out loud) Umm...
I'm doing some security work.
Fred: (looks at Jared in a curious way) Really...
Jared: Really. Ah, here's the platform. Closer than I thought.
Jerry: (suddenly nervous) I need to ask you a big favor.
Jared: I'm late already...
Jerry: I can really make it worth your time.
Jared: (speculative) Go ahead.
Fred: We're engineers and we're trying to transport some vital infor-
mation. We need to get to Osaka with this stuff, and soon.
Jerry: We'll pay you ten thousand, in American, if you come with us.
Jared: And do what?
Jerry: Just keep an eye out.
Jared: (thinking) That's a lotta cash. These guys must be in some
serious trouble. Hmm... sounds like my kinda deal. (out loud) Sounds
like I'll be keeping my eyes on some important stuff, and I really need
to get back...
Jerry: All right, forty-thousand.
Jared: (thinking) YES! (out loud, calmly) U.S. Dollars?
Jerry: Yes.
Jared: Done.
[Some time later, they are seated in the train. Jerry and Fred are at
the far end of the car, by the door to the next car. Jared sits further
down, with one of the briefcases under his seat. The engineers are
glancing around nervously. Jared looks calm, but his eyes keep looking
out the windows on one side of the train car.]
Jared: (thinking) This is creepy. Kind of like that dream of Shinji's.
The train car of the mind. How ridiculous. Then again, look at the
situation I'm in.
[We do, and it doesn't look good.]
Jared: (thinking) This doesn't look good.
Author: (thinking) Okay, enough foreshadowing, time for some action!
Jared: (thinking, very worried) Bad feeling is larger now.
[Three large men dressed in black trench coats and carrying automatic
weapons barge into the train car. They pause as they see Jared at the
far end. Fred and Jerry are safely behind the trio--for now.]
Jared: (thinking) Bad feeling turning to frightening calm. (out loud) We
didn't call for room service.
Man #1: (in Japanese) The case.
Jared: (in Japanese) Fine, but you have to pick which one.
[Man #2 spies the two engineers, who are all but cowering in fear.]
Man #1: (in Japanese) The one you're sitting on.
Jared: (eyes locked with Man #1, in Japanese) Sure.
[Jared puts his arms out to his sides to show he is unarmed, and stands
slowly. Then he steps aside. The trio moves toward him cautiously, their
guns all trained on him.]
[Once they get close enough, Jared steps to the side slowly. The leader
reaches down to grab the case. As he is distracted, Jared moves so that
Man #3 is directly behind Man #2. As Man #3 moves to get a clear shot,
Jared takes his opening. He slap aside Man #2's gun, then kicks Man #1
in the shins. Man #3 tries to shoulder Man #2 aside to draw a bead on
Jared, but is far too late. Jared pushes his gun aside and lunges over
Man #2, who is doubled-over, clutching his stomach. Jared lands a
straight punch to Man #3's face, knocking him back slightly just as Man
#1 starts to regain his footing. Jared snap-kicks Man #1's gun so that
it points at the roof. The gun goes off, but Jared is ducking out of the
way anyhow, moving into a spinning back kick which catching Man #1 in
the gut and sends him flying through the back window of the train.]
[Jared continues his spin, jumping off the ground and catching Man #2
across the jaw with his foot. The camera goes into bullet-time X-ray
mode, and we see the neck vertebra separate, shredding his spinal
column. Man #2 drops to the floor, dead, as Jared lands on his feet,
preparing to bum-rush Man #3. Man #3 pre-empts him and slams the but of
his gun into Jared's chin, throwing the goon back. Jared lands on the
floor, snatches Man #1's gun, which is lying on the floor, and shoots
Man #3 with it.]
[Jared clambers to his feet, and for a few seconds, all is silent, save
for the sounds of rushing wind and the clack-clack of the moving train.]
Jared: (pale, breathing heavily) What the fuck was in that thing?
Fred: (also pale, grabs the second briefcase) It's in here; some
computer chips.
Jared: (tosses the gun aside and reaches into his shirt pocket as if
looking for cigarettes, but he has no shirt pocket, let alone
cigarettes, and shrugs in resignation) What for?
Fred: Missile targeting chips. Full active AI in-flight.
Jared: (picks up the gun again) TIE YOUR SHOELACES!!!
[Fred and Jerry are already kissing the floor. Jared walks a spray of
gunfire up and down the door, especially through the window, then along
the sides. The gun runs dry and he drops it, charging at the door. On
his way there, he grabs a small pistol off of Man #3's corpse.]
Jared: (thinking) Can't I get a moment's rest?
[{Can he?} {Umm... No.} Just as Jared reaches the door, an arm the size
of a shipyard derrick comes through the shattered remains of the window
and seizes him by the throat. Jared brings up the pistol and fires two
shots into the window. The hand lets go. He sits on the floor, right up
against the door, waiting. He doesn't wait long. Another arm comes
through, this one smaller and holding a large handgun. Jared shoots the
new arrival in the elbow, causing the other man's shots to go wide. He
then grabs the arm and wrenches it sideways before firing another shot
through the open window.]
[The train's brakes kick then, and the train comes to a stop.]
Jerry: That was incredible! You are amazing. I can double your pay right
now, with help like that...
[Jared turns around, his face blank but his eyes like two burning
embers. He points the gun at them.]
Jared: Give me the chip.
Jerry: Waah?
[With one shaking hand, Fred sets the remaining briefcase on the floor
in front of him, slowly.]
Jared: (kicks the suitcase away) Hold still.
[He reaches down Fred's pants, his gun still centered on the engineer's
forehead. After a few seconds of making Fred look positively ill, he
fishes out a small package surrounded with bubble-wrap.]
Jared: Now get out of here and forget you ever saw me. I'll take care of
everything.
Jerry: Where the Hell did you learn to fight like that?
Jared: I've got all the Tae Bo tapes.
Fred: That's not funny--
Jared: I thought it was hilarious.
Jerry: Who are you, really?
[Jared grins the grin of a man who's just won the lottery. As he fishes
out his NERV ID and shows it to the engineers. It reads, in English
characters: Jared Waddell, NERV Security, Field Agent.]
Jerry: (looks at Fred) We're--
Fred: (looks at Jerry) --fucked.
Jared: Go.
[The two quickly clamber out of the train, gone over the hills outside
before the conductor makes it back to the rear car.]
Conductor: (seeing the mess) Kisama!
Jared: (in Japanese) My thoughts exactly. (flashes his ID again) I need
a phone.
----------
[Three Goons' House of Pa--Er, apartment.]
John: (into phone) What do you mean, he never showed?! This is Asuka
we're talking about, he would have moved heaven and earth to get there!
He wouldn't have even gotten lost! ... Don't tell me not to yell,
doctor! ... Hello? Hello?! Damn!
[He slams the phone down and then throws the infernal contraption out of
the window..]
----------
[NERV.]
Ritsuko: Idiot. (phone immediately rings; she picks up) No John, I--
what? .... WHAT?!!
----------
Ritsuko: I don't fucking believe this.
[Train wreck.]
Ritsuko: With an Eva, I can understand. With large caliber weapons, I
can understand.
[Train flipped on its side, plowed halfway into a nearby hill.]
Ritsuko: But where the hell could they have gotten that firepower! And
worse, why did they get involved in this?
[Smashed windows like a spray of silver blood.]
Section 2 Chief: We have no idea, Doctor. However, they are intelligence
officers. I just wish I knew why the rest of our men were called off on
this investigation.
[Twisted metal like broken bones.]
Ritsuko: Called off?
[Three bodies under white sheets. Flashing lights from emergency
vehicles.]
S2 Chief: Yeah. Can't figure out where the order came from, but four
agents were pulled from undercover, all working on this case.
Ritsuko: The two men you took into custody, who were they?
S2 Chief: Foreigners, some engineers.
Ritsuko: And what might be so important that four of your people were
watching over them?
S2 Chief: I'm not at liberty to say. However, I can tell you it was
pretty damn important. What about your pet science project? (he jerks a
thumb over his shoulder)
Ritsuko: (folds her arms) He'll be properly disciplined.
S2 Chief: You have him searched?
Ritsuko: (calmly) He'd enjoy it too much.
S2 Chief: < -_- > Let me do it.
Ritsuko: He needs medical attention, he's under my jurisdiction now. You
can grill him when he gets back to work.
S2 Chief: Figures. If you'll excuse me...
Ritsuko: Wait. One last thing.
S2 Chief: Yes?
Ritsuko: Just how did this train wreck happen?
S2 Chief: It was going too fast. Your boy had a death-grip on the
controls when we arrived. You could ask him why this thing was doing 140
kph.
Ritsuko: Oh great.
----------
[Pilot's briefing room. We've been here before, and this time the lights
are set full-on. We can see Misato and Ritsuko talking sternly to
someone off-camera.]
Ritsuko: We found five hundred thousand dollars in US funds at the site,
but nothing of value. No weapons, nothing. Just a ton of money.
Misato: Your boss thinks the engineers have already sold whatever it was
and were making off with the money.
Ritsuko: What did they have?
[Pan around to show Jared surrounded by armed guards. He is wrapped in a
chain-mail restraint, bound to a device not unlike an appliance dolly. A
mask covers his face, allowing him to see and speak, but not to bite or
smell anything. A straight-jacket and three sets of heavy metal cuffs
keep his arms pinned securely to the back of the dolly. Now that I've
established the movie we are making a parody of in this scene, the scene
can continue.]
Jared: Interesting question. Asking those two idiots what they were
carrying might not be a bad idea.
Misato: They're dead.
Jared: Pity. Nine millimeter to the back of head? Knife to the neck?
Ritsuko: Listen, we--
Jared: Assassin from the government? From section 2? Or was it a third
party? Perhaps the Yakuza...
Misato: I'm asking you for the last time--
Jared: And you're asking the wrong person. You don't interrogate the
assassin, you find out who hired him. I didn't fucking plan this.
Misato: It sure as Hell looks like you did!
Jared: My, how your bosom does nicely heave when you shout.
Misato: Ugh!
Ritsuko: This is hopeless. (to guards) Lock him up.
Jared: I have one request.
[The guards start wheeling him away.]
Jared: They each had a briefcase.
Ritsuko: Wait.
[The guards halt.]
Jared: Identical imitation leather. Metal plates inside. Lots of cash.
You found a half-million in one? I'll bet it was mostly empty.
Ritsuko: Go on.
Jared: (smiling) I have an extra million lying around, but from the
other briefcase. You'll find the missing one point five million from the
recovered case buried not far from the railroad. Five hundred meters due
south.
Misato: What does this have to do with the--
Jared: Listen carefully, commander! I refuse to spell things out. Two
briefcases. I got paid from one. You have enough cash to fill the second
and a missing briefcase--the one I was paid from. A half-million dollars
in cash takes up quite a bit of space. And a mere three million, in
today's economy? That's spending cash to big corporations. Good day.
[He goes quiet, ending the conversation. Ritsuko sighs and waves the
guards away. After they leave, Misato turns to Ritsuko.]
Misato: You think he's snowing us again?
[Kaji through a side-door behind Misato.]
Kaji: Not necessarily. What he says does make sense...
Ritsuko: But could easily be a complete fabrication. I know, it's how
they operate.
Kaji: Well, we get some shovels and we see how full of it he is.
Misato: Heh, a shovel... think that would knock some sense into him?
Kaji: It would take more than that, my dear.
Misato: (blushes) Don't call me that.
----------
[John is standing near an ancient wooden desk, deep in the bowels of
NERV. He's wearing a NERV uniform, which looks very strange on him,
despite its professional fit. Asuka, in street clothing (pants), is
standing in front of him.]
John: You came? I'm impressed. Stupidity, or bravery? Or orders?
Asuka: < -_- > Let me in, Worm.
John: Orders, I see. Well, the rules are simple. Don't insult the
prisoners, don't try to kill the prisoners, don't give anything that can
be used as a weapon to the prisoners. Umm... don't touch the glass and
stay to the left. He's at the end of the hall.
[John turns around and uses a key card to open a massive door, which is
practically part of the wall. He stays away from Asuka, letting her
inside with a wary eye, and closes the door behind her.]
[Asuka is now in a short, wide hallway with a row of cells to her
left. At the end of the row is a cell with a foot-thick sheet of AV7
across the front, as opposed to the standard titanium bars. She begins
to walk down the hallway, only to see a tentacle snake out from under a
cardboard box in one of the cells. She jumps to the opposite side of the
hallway, mallet at the ready.]
John: (yelling through the door) The right! I meant stay to the right!!!
Asuka: Thanks for telling me.
[The tentacle swings across the hallway, but stops several feet short
of Asuka. She passes, but remains against the right wall, moving
slowly.]
Andy: Ah... a woman. Like a fine wine, she--you!
Asuka: Andy?
[Indeed, Andy is in the next-to-last cell.]
Asuka: Hmm, why'd they lock you up?
Andy: I don't need to tell you that, wench!
[Asuka shrugs, then moves to the last cell. Inside the room is a
standard issue prison cell, though remarkably well kept. The floor is
clean enough to knead dough. A simple metal table, bolted to the floor,
provides a work space of sorts for the imprisoned Goon. Several hundred
sheets of paper with nearly indecipherable scribbles upon them are
stacked on top of the table, the blunt remains of five pencils next to
it. Jared is waiting for her, standing easily and looking at her with an
odd stare, taking her in as if for the first time.]
Asuka: (thinking) I have a bad feeling about this.
Jared: (evil eye) Hello, Asuka.
Asuka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Jared: (pouts) They always do that.
Asuka: Dumpkoff! Don't scare me like that.
Jared: (evil eye) Certainly.
Asuka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Jared: Less yelling, please, this AV7 resonates rather badly.
Asuka: Then don't DO that!
Jared: (evil eye) Okay.
Asuka: AAAAHHHH!
Jared: You're getting better.
Asuka: I need to sit down.
Jared: (evil eye) John left you a chair.
Asuka: (starts, but makes it to the seat without screaming again) So,
what do you want?
Jared: You a tight-fitting, leather--
Asuka: NO! I mean, besides that kind of thing.
Jared: Well, I'm a simple man. There isn't much I want, besides "that
thing."
Asuka: I imagined you'd be that shallow...
Jared: On the contrary, I am a very deep person. I don't just like you
for your looks, Asuka. You have thorns, as every beautiful rose does,
but they do not detract from your beauty. Indeed, such thorns point out
your humanity, make you distinct, real, desirable... why are you
looking at me like that?
[Asuka is staring at Jared with a dangerous blush, her jaw wide open.
Jared doesn't smile condescendingly, or smirk. He doesn't even look
smugly pleased with himself. In fact, he seems genuinely amazed just
looking at the young girl sitting in front of him.]
Jared: Look, I know this is a strange place to have a heart-to-heart,
but we need to talk.
Asuka: (regaining some of her composure) T-t-talk?! What's there to talk
about?!
Jared: (calm) If you have to ask, then surely there is something.
Asuka: Why did you ask me here?!!
Jared: Ask yourself that, and suppose an explanation for my behavior.
Nothing too unusual, you do it all the time.
Asuka: (hair slightly red) You asked me to come here!
Jared: And you agreed.
Asuka: (opens her mouth, but then shuts it) ... I feel the need to ask
you a question.
Jared: Go ahead.
Asuka: (yellow hair) What did you do to me?
Jared: Not much so far... oh, you mean recently? I trained you... so?
Asuka: (hair to normal) I can throw ki-blasts in my Eva.
Jared: (rubs his side) I remember quite well, thank you.
Asuka: But I've been feeling strange off and on.
Jared: Did you ask John?
Asuka: You were training me...
Jared: Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Asuka: What the hell is that supposed to mean?! No, I don't want to
know.
Jared: You'll want to wash your hair soon, trust me.
Asuka: What are you talking about?!
Andy: Keep it down!
Asuka: Shut up!
Jared: I asked you not to shout.
Asuka: Ask John, eh? I'll ask him all right...
Jared: Now, my turn?
Asuka: Hmm? Go ahead.
Jared: What do you think of Shinji Ikari?
Asuka: That wimp? Spineless coward! Useless on the battlefield,
especially with _me_ here--
Jared: (rolling his eyes) Not Shinji Ikari the Eva pilot!
Asuka: (grinds to a halt) Eh? What?
Jared: What do you think of Shinji Ikari the person?
Asuka: That wimp--
[Jared puts his hand up in the "stop" sign, not unlike Darth Vader.]
Jared: That's a combative analysis. Commonly used on personal
grounds to keep oneself at a distance from others, usually to hide from
remembrance of past pain, particularly when one does like to be thought
of as weak.
[Asuka almost opens her mouth to speak in denial, but is brought short
by Jared's stare.]
Jared: So, if you dropped the ass-kicking attitude around him, he might
open up. Shinji is a reflexive pacifist. Like me, you are a reflexive
fighter. The two mix like... well, remember that little bomb we used to
take down the last Angel?
Asuka: (nods, but then catches herself) Wait! Why would I--
Jared: I'm supposed to get out of here in a few hours and I need to
finish this manuscript. Begone.
[insert plug]
Asuka: WHAT?! Wait a _minute_! We need talk about things!
Jared: And now we are done. Leave.
Asuka: Bastard!
Andy: Keep it down!
[Jared goes back to the papers, looking in them to add something, almost
as an afterthought. Asuka gets to her feet, her hair again a swirl of
odd colors, and makes to leave. At the next cell, a sudden explosion
goes off. Though minor (Andy is still alive), it gets dust all over her
clothes.]
Jared: ANDY!!!
[Asuka high-tails it out of the prison block, through the waiting door.]
John: (closing the door) Things go well?
Asuka: The hell they did! I can't believe that-that, that...
John: Pervert?
Asuka: PERVERT!
John: (hands Asuka a note) He said to give you this.
Asuka: What? (reads the note)
Note: (in Jared's voice) I think you end up angry at me more often than
not when we speak. To patch things up, let's bring our friends to the
best arcade in town! It's some place over in the Juuban district, but
with my new wheels, it shouldn't be too hard to get to. Later!
[An SD smiling Jared and an SD rendition of a rose were at the bottom of
the note. Asuka stares at it like part of her head just melted off, a
distant look in her eyes.]
John: Yo, Asuka. Move.
Asuka: Hnn?
John: My buds from Section 2 are here to release the goofballs.
Asuka: Ah. Hai, Worm.
[John shakes his head sadly as he lets a group of burly security guards
wearing the same type of uniform as him into the cell block.]
----------
[Once again, (guess, c'mon... guess!) The Three Goons' Dunge--Err,
apartment! Jared, quite recovered from recent ordeals, stands before the
other two Goons. They are dressed, clean-shaven, and ready to face the
day. The day, if you must know, is five hours off.]
[It is time for the Three Goons to earn their keep.]
Jared: (blocking the door) C'mon, guys, there's an easy way to patch
this up!
John: Ritual suicide?
Jared: Well, besides that.
Andy: Apologizing?
[Jared and John give Andy strange looks for a moment before returning to
their argument.]
Jared: No, we do one of those `acts of apology' without really
apologizing!
John: You mean we bribe them?
Jared: _That's_ what they call it! Anyway, how does the arcade sound?
John: That huge one in Juuban? Well, it wouldn't be bad...
Jared: Terrific!
John: Don't act so over-zealous at this hour, Jared.
Jared: Why?
John: (ticking this off on his fingers) One, you'll wake Misato. Two,
you're scaring Andy.
[Andy is huddled in the far corner of the room like Jared's a wild tiger
and Andy is a mouse. Not that the Goon has anything to really fear from
Jared, but...]
Jared: I am?
John: (sighs) Let's just go.
[Jared opens the door to allow his fellow American's into the pre-dawn
haze of Tokyo-3.]
----------
[Place: Basement parking garage, apartment complex which currently
houses all but one of the Evangelion pilots. Time: 7:15 a.m. Volume:
Low. People: Jared, John, Andy. Author: Tired. Music: George
Thuroghgood and the Destroyers, "Bad to the Bone." Scene: Set.
Audience: Impatient.]
Jared: It is finally here.
John: What is? You know the chief is gonna put your ass on the rack for
this morning excursion. We were supposed to pick up lab 522 before
Ritsuko needs to use it.
Jared: Hakuna Matata, Johnny. We'll be back in NERV with plenty of time
for that task. We'll also be able to give Misato a ride to work, and
send our five compatriots to school!
John: (counts in his head) If you mean the pilots, when did we gain an
extra?
Jared: Kensuke lives right down the street from Toji.
John: (faking surprise) Really?
Jared: Yeah, but I don't wanna put nine people in the car.
John: In Andy's rig we'd be stacked like sardines. Where are we going
to--
Jared: RIGHT HERE, GENTLEMEN!
[The other two Goons blink and actually look where Jared is pointing. A
massive, American-made, pre-unleaded gasoline muscle car sits in the
parking lot next to Andy's bright yellow Ferrari. The new beast is
colored fire engine red with two black racing stripes running right down
the top of the car.]
Jared: This is my dream car.
John: Doesn't look like much, and aren't there laws against a gas-
guzzler like that?
Jared: It's been converted to burn alcohol, and it doesn't pollute at
all, like Andy's car.
John: Why didn't you just stick with--oh, never mind.
Jared: (unlocking the door with a remote) Horsepower, my good man. The
frame is amazingly well built for racing too. Plus, it's probably the
last one in the world.
John: Which brings me back to my original question: Why not an F40,
besides the horsepower?
Jared: This was found by NERV when they were cleaning out an old parking
garage-turned spare parts hanger in New Mexico. Near mint condition. I
nabbed the report, grabbed the relevant pages from my contract and
placed an order with the Third Technical staff. They've had a lot of
free time lately, so I had them do the restoration.
John: Okay, so it looks good. We getting back to work soon? I need some
food, damn it.
[The elevator opens at the far end of the parking garage, disgorging the
crew from Misato's apartment.]
[Jared fires up the car. Nearby power lines sway. Flocks of birds take
to the air. Dogs howl. Andy leaps into John's arms.]
John: < -_- > I didn't know you cared.
[Andy returns to the pavement quickly, glaring at John.]
Jared: (briefly refraining from revving the enormous engine) This,
gentlemen, is a--
[Misato cuts him off as she drapes herself over the car with a coo.]
Misato: Mmm... a 1970 Chevelle SS with the LS-6 option and mag wheels!
Jared: Oh yeah, baby.
John: < -_- > I hate you.
Jared: < ^_^ > I know.
Andy: Loud.
Jared: That's her seven-hundred horsepower engine singing to ya, come
on!
----------
[NERV, within Ritsuko's office. Jared is talking to the good doctor
(civil for once).]
Jared: I'm just asking for a new Mini-MAGI, Rit-chan. It's not like it's
the end of the world or anything.
Ritsuko: (behind a folder) Don't call me Rit-chan. Look, I don't have
any extras on hand right now.
Jared: Please...
Ritsuko: Okay. What's wrong with the experimental model I gave you?
Jared: I... lost it.
Ritsuko: (set the folder down) < -_- > Really.
Jared: Well, tell me why the fuck it isn't on my wrist right now!
Ritsuko: ... I'd rather not contemplate the possibilities. Just get it
back here.
Jared: What about a replacement.
Ritsuko: Pay for the lost experimental one and I'll send you your old
model.
Jared: If you still have it, why do I have to pay to get it back?
Ritsuko: Because you _lost_ the experimental one!
Jared: No I di--er, yeah, that kind of makes sense. (reaches into his
pocket) How much could that fucker cost, anyway?
Ritsuko: < -_- > Five hundred billion yen.
Jared: < O_O > No wonder you people are having money problems! In our
time, that'd be like...
[He looks to his wrist, but no Mini-MAGI is present to assist. Relying
on the good old brain (a questionable move in Jared's case), he does a
few calculations in his head. Ritsuko absently sips from a steaming mug
of coffee, enduring the perverts presence with remarkable aplomb.]
Jared: (finishing) A hundred million dollars?!!
Ritsuko: Feel free to make a wire transfer to NERV's accounts and you'll
be set within the week.
Jared: (carefully considering) It's do-able. I'll get back to you.
[He opens the door to leave, to reveal John and Andy holding glasses to
their ears.]
Jared: < O_O;;; > ....
Ritsuko: < O_O;;; > What are you doing here?
John: (recovering) Uh... we were looking for a water fountain.
[John elbows Andy, who holds the cup like a sane person.]
Ritsuko: (as the trio leaves) That door is sound-proofed, you know.
Andy: We noti--
[John whacks Andy in the back of the head.]
John: (to Ritsuko) You don't say...
----------
[With the sound of a hundred cannons firing continuously, a red-and-
black street bullet rockets around the corner, all four tires squealing.
A cloud of white, carcinogenic smoke follows the lean sport coup as is
rights itself and tears down the street with a bestial roar. It stops
at the corner of the block, directly in front of a six-story building
with a glass skin around the lower three floor and a reflective gray
surface about the top portion.]
[John weakly disembarks from the Chevelle, still managing to remain on
his feet. Andy tumbles from the car in a roll and unsteadily stands next
to his fellow Goon. Both are wearing black suits with black ties,
resembling extras from a Quentin Tarantino movie.]
Andy: Where are we?
John: (gestures in front of him) Look.
[Spotlights reach for the sky. Techno music throbs from the building,
loud enough to be heard from outside, but not enough to disturb the
peace. A Valet comes to the driver's side door the vehicle, not bothered
in the least by the immense size of the American-made beast. Jared steps
out from behind the wheel, a calm smile upon his face. He is dressed
identically to his friends.]
John: Must you always break every possible driving law when getting from
point A to point B?
Jared: You didn't complain this morning when we took the pilots to
school.
John: You were driving at sane velocities then! I'm amazed you haven't
frightened Rei by this point!
Misato: He's not half-bad.
[Misato emerges from the car, causing male jaws to hang loosely. Having
decided to accompany the pilots on their excursion for entertainment,
Misato elected to wear a new dress. It's black, short, and shows an
awful lot of skin, among other... things. The rest I think can be
safely left to the reader's imagination.]
Jared: (strange accent) Just like you Japanese... always overdressing
for the wrong occasions.
[John offers the Major an arm and a charming smile.]
John: (speaking to Jared) I don't know about you, pal, but I gotta go
see about a girl.
[Jared returns a smirk as Rei emerges from the rear seat. The pale pilot
is wearing her school uniform, though it looks freshly pressed. Shinji
steps out right behind her, uncomfortable in a Tuxedo with a white
mask.]
Shinji: Did I miss something?
Andy: Battle of the movie cliches. Nothing important.
John: Rei, you look good.
[Misato slaps John.]
Misato: Excuse me!
Jared: Misato, I'll never know how you fit a gun under that dress. It
looks like it had to be sewed on.
[Jared smirks to John before giving the Valet his keys. Misato looks
lost for a comeback, and John just seethes, glaring at Jared. His
attention is quickly drawn back to Rei, however.]
Asuka: Dumpkoffs.
[Asuka emerges from the car, dragging a rather green Toji behind
her. Toji is dressed in the same fashion as the three Americans, but
with an added baseball cap. Asuka is wearing a turtleneck sweater and a
black skirt. Beyond any shadow of a doubt, we know she has a pair of
shorts on underneath said skirt...]
Andy: (rushing over to the newest pilot) Hey, are you okay?
Toji: Fine, fine... just... not... used to this...
Andy: That's okay, it'll pass.
[The Valet looks inside the car, making sure he's not about to park any
additional guests, then gets inside and leaves to perform his duties.
Almost unnoticed, Jared slips him a few large bills to insure his
property. All things set, the group of pilots plus one guardian (asking
for trouble, isn't it?), amble up to the main entrance.]
Andy: Ah, gamer's mecha... Er, Mecca...
Toji: I've only been here one other time...
Misato: I've never been here. I've heard about it, but...
[John quickly takes up position to Rei's left, with Shinji on the other
side. Asuka huffs and stands at the far rear of the group, away from the
pervert.]
John: Looks... decent.
Rei: ...
Shinji: Umm... impressive, I guess.
Andy: That's all you can say? It's magnificent!
Jared: Granted, but the night waits for no man, onward!
[John takes his case to the doorman.]
John: (smooth) Genoni. Party of eight.
Doorman: (without looking at the book) Certainly, Mr. Genoni. They will
give you slips at the door.
Jared: Slips?
Doorman: All machines inside are operated by card, sir. The cards for
Juuban Central are valid ONLY inside Juuban Central, sir.
Jared: I get it.
Andy: YOSH!
----------
[A few hours into the arcade excursion, the group has stopped for dinner
in the corner of the building which functions as a food court. They are
seated round-table style: Rei, Shinji, Jared, Andy, Misato, Asuka, Toji,
John, and back to Rei.]
Misato: So, how's this `training' coming along, guys?
John: The master never reveals his secrets.
Jared: Which means I'd better not say anything.
[John and Andy glare at Jared.]
Misato: You, mister, had Rit-chan tying her underwear in knots when you
took off your Mini-MAGI.
Jared: (sweating) Really? I can understand that, but the thing just
didn't feel right. Needed a moment to myself, you know. I didn't intend
to leave town... naturally.
Misato: < -_- > Naturally.
Asuka: I don't think the training has been going well at all.
John: You can use ki blasts in your Eva, why are you complaining?
Andy: I can do a bigger one.
Jared: Shut up.
Asuka: See?
Misato: (sigh) Children. What about you, Rei?
Rei: Genoni says I am making progress.
John: She has excellent control. She'll be fine.
Jared: If you--
[John swings at Jared, taking the Goon to the floor, where they begin
fighting.]
Misato: < o_o; > Right... What about you, Shinji-kun?
Shinji: Umm...
Andy: Like John said, the master does not reveal his training secrets.
The men of his outfit will be suitably prepared... (under his breath)
Not that I was given much to work with.
Toji: I heard that.
Andy: You're on the other side of the table!
Toji: You talk loud enough to be heard back in America!
Andy: RRRRAAAAAARRRGG!! That's IT!
[Andy explodes (not literally, eew...) across the table, tackling Toji.
The two go down, tearing through tables like no tomorrow.]
Shinji: Here we go again...
Misato: < O_O; > Again?!
Asuka: Oh, what the hell.
[Asuka joins the fray. Rei sips her drink. Shinji puts his head in his
hands. The Andy/Toji collides with the Jared/John ball about the same
time Asuka lands on both. A flurry of lethal attacks later...]
Asuka: (leaping away) Don't touch me there!
John: (slugging Jared in the face) Yeah!
Jared: (slugging Andy) Yeah!
Toji: (decking Jared) You're the one who did it!
Asuka: KAMEHAME-
[The newest set of stooges freeze as she prepares the attack. Misato's
jaw hangs loosely over the table.]
Asuka: HAAAAA!!!
[But nothing happens.]
Jared: You call that an attack? You forget the rules!
John: Not this again.
Andy: Yes! The first rule of Evangelion is you do not talk about
Evangelion! The second rule of Ev--
[Jared tackles Andy bodily.]
Jared: FOOL!!!
[A head-butt later, Andy is out cold.]
Jared: I don't feel so well...
Asuka: (screaming) SOME SENSEI YOU ARE!!!
Toji: (freezes, about to punch John) Is something--HOLY SHIT!
[Misato spits out the beer she had started drinking at the onset of the
fight. Shinji, just getting to his feet, stops dead in his tracks, eyes
as big as dinner plates. This was because Asuka's hair, under the effect
of the mysterious shampoo given to her last episode, had responded to
the tidal wave of emotions the Second Child was experiencing, vainly
tried to keep up, and finally short-circuited.]
John: She's gone to PLAID!
Asuka: RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
John: SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!
[Most of the group takes cover.]
Jared: Well, we are gonna die someday.
John: SOMEDAY?!!
[Jared bolts up to the shaking Asuka and gropes her. The red heads eyes
lock with his for a moment, almost glowing with fury.]
Jared: (yanking his hands back as if they're on fire) Aheh... heheh?
[Then she starts to cry.]
Jared: AAH! Female! Get it away!!!
[Asuka runs from the arcade, streaming a trail of tears and smashed
arcade machines in her wake.]
Jared: What'd I do?
[Everyone except Rei slowly rises behind Jared, each carting their
weapon of choice.]
Jared: Hey guys, w--AAAARRRGGGH!!!
John: You broke her, you fix her!
[CRUNCH!]
Rei: (sipping her juice) They're loud.
----------
[Later that evening, at La Casa del Goon, a simple discussion is taking
place.]
Jared: I don't get it.
John: Jared, you hurt her feelings.
Jared: Hey, I fucking told her what to do with her feelings!
John: And groping underage girls isn't doing anything productive for
you!
Jared: (grabs John by his shirt lapels) Hey! Are you listening to me?!!
I'm her instructor! We've got three wise-asses and a pile of white
meat. Between us and a potential way home, we face an insane military, a
group of evil men bent on world domination, and a half-dozen fucking
ANGELS!!!
John: < -_- > I know. You can let go now.
Jared: Sorry, sometimes I think I'm dealing with normal idiots in here.
Andy: (eating cereal) Hey!
Jared: (to John) I'm done with you, pal. You put that crap in her hair.
John: She was the one who was washing!
Andy: (puts his bowl in the sink) All right, mortal, the time has come.
Jared: I don't have time for this. Andy and I have our training.
John: Training?!
[John looks closely at Jared, trying to discern if he's acquired any
brain damage in the most recent fight. The middle Goon (age-wise) still
looks like he got run over by a truck from the fight in the arcade.]
John: You don't need to be--
[Andy cold-clocks John from behind.]
Jared: Thanks dude.
Andy: Choose the place of your downfall.
Jared: Roof. And you haven't beaten me yet.
Andy: For I have not truly begun to fight.
----------
[Time: Night. Place: Roof. What you're missing: The battle of the
century... or not. The two fight Goons emerge from the repaired roof
doorway and take up positions at opposite corners. After a moment, the
move considerably closer; this is a pretty big apartment building.]
Jared: Damn. Tonight just _sucked_.
Andy: Don't remind me.
Jared: Ki blasts?
Andy: Why not.
[The two attack without further words or formalities, dancing lightly
across the roof in a ballet of intended violence. Neither seems to land
any blows, however. Not for lack of trying on Andy's part, though Jared
looks hard pressed to hold an advantage, the smaller Goon slips out of
Andy's blows like a bar of wet soap.]
Andy: FOOL!
Jared: Too slow!
[The assume the Poses.]
Andy: GALLAT GUN--
Jared: KAMEHAME--
[An unearthly light begins to glow in their hands.]
Andy: < O_O > FIRE!!!
Jared: < O_O > HAAAAAA!!!
[Twin beams of color energy leap from their palms, blasting towards
their respective targets with glow trails of crackling electricity. They
are both stopped at the mid-point, the blasts slamming into each other.
Unfortunately, the wild energy which they hold is not properly contained
and the blasts ignite like three hundred pounds of TNT.]
[A pillar of holy fire erupts from the roof, bathing the city around it
in a brilliant flash of light. A split-second later, the shock-waves
from the explosion ripples through the apartment building.]
John: (halfway into bed) What the Hell?
[Seven floors of stairs later.]
John: (spying the comatose forms of his friends) NO! Damn it!
----------
[The Next Day, Morning.]
[The corridors of NERV. John, Asuka, and Shinji are walking towards the
surface, all three looking worn and haggard.]
Asuka: I can't believe this, it's like we're having synch tests every
day!
Shinji: I don't mind. It's good to get in some practice.
[At first this seems like a stock 'spineless Shinji' line, but upon
closer inspection, it isn't, and his companions look at him strangely.]
John: Well, ace, you don't really need any more practice. I think the
tests are really supposed to keep Andy and Jared occupied.
Asuka: You mean to keep them from doing stuff like stealing that ice
cream truck and putting decals on their Evas?
John: (hangs his head in shame) Yes...
Asuka: (hopeful) Well, if an Angel attacks, we won't have to worry about
that!
[They reach the last elevator to the surface. John motions for Shinji to
go on without them.]
John: Asuka, a word with you?
Asuka: Wha? But... (looks longingly at Shinji, then notices he's looking
at her and scowls before blushing) Go ahead, Shinji, I'll be up in a few
seconds.
[John reaches inside the elevator and pushes the "close doors" button.
Once Shinji is gone...]
John: Have noticed anything odd about Jared lately?
[Asuka just stares at the Goon.]
John: Let me rephrase that. When you were fighting with him the other
day, did something seem unusual?
Asuka: Besides the fact he got his hands on my... (begins blushing,
makes a fist and snarls) OOH! It still makes me just _livid_!
John: I see. But didn't his dodging ability seem off to you?
Asuka: Off? He dodged pretty well until I finally got warmed up! (puts
the back of her hand to her mouth) OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!
John: Please quit doing that.
Asuka: Anything else, Worm?
John: How far have you gotten in the Frieza Saga?
Asuka: Just started it this morning.
John: Ah hah. About Goku's startling power up...
Asuka: Yes, he'd been training. What about it?
John: He was training for six days. Isn't that kind of phenomenal
power up just a little unusual?
Asuka: (hand pauses just short of the elevator call button) But he'd
been taken over by Captain Giynu, too.
John: (shakes his head) No, before that, when he was fighting the
Captain.
Asuka: (thinking back) Right... So?
John: And despite Jared and Andy's enormous progress in the fighting
arts while trying to kill each other as of late, they've remained
basically equal, and you've been able flatten Jared like clockwork.
Recently, however, he's gotten a lot better, far more than my
calculations predict, unless...
[Asuka, still thinking, narrows her eyes.]
Asuka: Unless what?
John: (as if this is elementary) It's the Series Hero Effect.
Asuka: Ara?
John: (lecturing mode) When the Hero is preparing to overcome some great
obstacle, he begins insanely difficult training. His quest then begins
before said training is complete, and he improves greatly. Next, he
finds out the real bad guy is far more powerful than he's ever known,
and the Hero chosen to defeat this total bad ass gets a huge power up
right before the main event. And WHO has gotten such a huge power up
lately?
[Asuka's eyes widen.]
Asuka: That means...
John: I don't know _what_ he's going to be fighting, but a side effect
of the Series Hero Effect is that the Hero's comrades get the tar beaten
out of them before the crisis, where the hero is nearly killed and
manages to off the bad guy only after a very lengthy battle.
Asuka: This is nuts.
John: I agree, we can't let Jared have all the fun.
Asuka: Does the pervert know about this?
John: (smiles a simple yet somehow disturbing smile) He figured it out
right after fighting you...
[Asuka hits the 'up' button for the elevator. The two wait for it to
arrive in silence. Finally, the elevator stops and Asuka gets in.]
Asuka: Coming, Worm?
John: No... I need to fetch Andy from the lower levels and ask him some
questions.
Asuka: Not about the grenade launcher I hope.
[John grins again.]
Asuka: (rhetorically) God help us.
[The elevator closes. John's grin falls.]
John: (to the empty hall) No, I want to see if he's willing to help me
make Jared be all he can be.
[Misato comes up behind the Goon.]
Misato: You're still here? Go home and get some rest.
John: They'll be awake soon?
Misato: A few hours, tops. Those guys are pretty damn tough.
John: Well, if they learned what I think they learned, we may not even
need the Evas to take care of the rest of these Angels.
[Misato rolls her eyes.]
John: Ahh, I won't be back to work for a while, so...
Misato: Don't worry about it; we have two pilots on base.
[The elevator opens.]
John: Why does that not make me feel safe?
[Misato shrugs as the doors close, taking John towards the surface and
soft, warm bed.]
----------
[Three Goons Headqu--err, apartment. Evening is falling over Tokyo-3,
and since things have been quiet lately, Jared and Andy are enjoying the
killer sunset dropping over the cityscape, sitting on the floor just
inside the apartment's patio windows.]
Jared: Damn, seems like we've been here ages.
[Don't get me started.]
Andy: Yeah... strange, really.
Jared: How easy it is being self-reliant when you have the supposed
rulers of the world by the short curlies?
Andy: No, how that noise from our blasts was less a humming and more a
snapping.
Jared: (shrugs) Maybe we just need to work on our control.
Andy: What do you think about the rest of the pilots?
[Jared lays back on the floor, looking instead at the darkened ceiling.]
Jared: Asuka's coping. At least that crazy shampoo stopped affecting
her.
Andy: I'm surprised she missed John with that fork.
Jared: Heh. Explaining _that_ to the doctors would've been a riot.
Andy: Ahh...
[Where to go from here... where to go from here...]
Jared: So where do we go from here? We basically have the rest of the
series whipped.
[I wish.]
Andy: We could always take over a third world country.
Jared: (waving the idea away) No, no. Totally wrong vein, dude.
Andy: Something daring... you know, we can't exactly fight the next
Angel with our fists.
Jared: (suddenly sitting up) Holy shit, you're right! Oooh... I
shouldn't have sat up so quickly. That reminds me... I have something to
show you guys. Give me ten minutes?
Andy: John should be out of the shower by then.
[Ten minutes later...]
Jared: Gentlemen... I give you--hey, is anyone paying attention here?!
John: (from the Nintendo Ultra-256) Hold on a sec...
Jared: (whining) Andy...
Andy: (eating an ice-cream cone) Go ahead, I'm ready to have some fun.
[A tumbleweed passes through before the other two Goons get the lame pun
and groan. Hey, when you're aiming for lame puns, everything's a
target.]
Jared: Okay, now that you're all here, I'd like to present to you the
results of Project GOPHER!
[With a flourish, Jared pulls on a book seated on the small bookshelf.
The title on the spine reads: "Torture Made Easy" The book snaps back to
its original position and the entire shelf recedes into the wall,
revealing a small passageway that leads into the darkness.]
John: And this is...
Jared: Our secret... (pauses for a drum roll, but none is forthcoming)
laboratory!
[Andy pulls out a portable CD player with a built-in speaker and hits
the play button. The music from Dexter's Laboratory starts playing.
Lighting and thunder crash in the background....]
----------
[The three Goons' secret lab. Stacks of electronics gear dominate the
entire space, so much that everywhere they walk, they have to turn
sideways or step carefully to avoid damaging any of the equipment. The
low lighting of the room only adds to its mystique. It's rather like the
work space from 'Sneakers'. Jared is sitting behind a massive console
with nine flat-panel monitors before him. Several are playing runs of
something that looks light-years ahead of Quake VII. Some screens are
scrolling code a la `The Matrix.' The interface is like nothing that has
ever come before. Jared navigates it smoothly, however, as he designed
the whole thing himself from scratch.]
[The other two Goons come up to the console as Jared finishes typing,
both carrying food. Jared grabs a plate that's been sitting on the work
area before him and goes to town on his own sandwich as the other two
start eating. After a few minutes, they polish off their hero subs with
some Dew and get down to work.]
John: (taps a few keys on his MM) We're secure; no bugs.
Jared: Jamming active. Okay, you've both heard about the train incident
more than you want to by now, so I'll spare the details. What I got from
those two mysterious engineers is this (he points to a clear box with a
black computer chip in it, wires running back into the console) chip.
John: So what is it?
Jared: It's kind of hard to say...
John: Well, try your best. And no ranting!
Jared: It's an anti-chaotic pattern matcher.
John: Come again?
Jared: It's designed to break super-encryption schemes.
John: This thing can mess up hard encryption?
Jared: More than that, but it's useless right now. All it does is narrow
the search and method down to something reasonable. After that, you'd
still need a team of experts and MAGI mainframe to cut through the
really nasty stuff.
John: So you're saying it doesn't do anything by itself?
Jared: Yes. You two know about encryption, right?
[John and Andy shake their heads no.]
Jared: (sighs) Okay. Well, the most basic encryption possible is a 1-bit
XOR. You take a string of data and apply the XOR to each bit. This
results in a corrupted mess. But if you repeat the operation, you get
your original data back. The 1's represent the key. Follow?
John: Of course not.
Andy: Not a chance.
Jared: So, let's say someone has encrypted something very important with
a much stronger form of encryption. This would imply they have a long
key that has been used to 'corrupt' the data. Trying every key in
existence is far too exhaustive to be practical. Every computer on earth
could churn numbers until the end of time and never find anything. So,
you have to do pattern matching. Through pattern matching, you narrow
down the list of possibilities to something reasonable, then try all of
the remaining possibilities. But most encryption-crackers have pattern
matching software or hardware built in. To build a chip alone that does
this is kind of odd.
John: What could we do with this thing?
Jared: Well, if we have really good de-encryption equipment, we could
couple this chip to it and probably break into anything we wanted to.
Even the MAGI at NERV.
Andy: (rubbing his hands together) Let's get started then.
Jared: (warning tone) But we have to break in there and get the proper
de-encryption programs, first.
Andy: (rubbing his hands together) Let's get started then.
Jared: (warning tone) It's a catch-22. We can't get in without the
codes, we can't get the codes without getting in, so the chip's useless.
John: Damn! And I was hoping for some good pictures of Rei.
Jared: Already done.
John: And I know there's more than a few things the series missed
when--what did you say?!
Jared: Already done.
John: (hands twitching) You didn't...
Jared: Not me, but a million dollars of hard currency can buy you quite
a few things at the local school. (holds up a brown paper bag with
something inside) Consider it an early birthday present.
[The bag is gone from Jared's hand before he finishes speaking. John's
fingers tear the packaging asunder with such speed that the air around
them begins to heat up. Finally, the photos are laid bare. Andy springs
a nosebleed and faints. Jared tosses a handkerchief over his face to
protect the computer equipment and pulls the chip from its box.]
Jared: You revive Andy this time.
[John is too busy drooling over numerous _revealing_ photos of Rei to
answer.]
[Jared rolls his eyes and exits stage left. Back in the apartment, he
looks at the empty living room, and a light-bulb comes on over his
head.]
Jared: I need to go talk to Asuka.
----------
[The Misato apartment. Yes, somewhat dull (lack of furniture), and
depressing (due primarily to occupants), but still home to a certain
Asuka Zeppelin Langley Sohryu.]
Jared: (through door) Is anybody hoooooome?!
[If nobody was home, they left the lights on, for Shinji's room and the
living room are fully illuminated.]
Jared: (through door) Hey! I need to talk to Asuka! Open up please!
[Asuka, we see, is laying on the couch. She looks quite pissed off.
After Jared's yelling, she gets to her feet and pads to the door,
opening it.]
Asuka: You look like shit.
Jared: Backlash. Put more power into them than we should have. Er... I
mean, I haven't showered?
Asuka: Nice try. So when do I learn it?
Jared: We've been over this. (he leans against the doorframe, folding
his arms over his chest) Could be a while...
Asuka: Fine. Don't tell me.
[Asuka throws herself on the couch, leaving a dumbfounded Jared to stare
at her underwear until Asuka realizes her error and pulls her skirt
down.]
Asuka: Can you please leave?
[A twisted grin marches across Jared's face.]
Jared: After I do one thing.
Asuka: I SAID, GET _OUT_!!!
Jared: Trust me.
Asuka: (begins crying) ... Fine, you asshole!
[Jared clenches a fist in determination. Asuka runs past him through the
open door, which finally closes on her heels.]
Jared: (outloud to himself) This is for the best.
----------
Shinji: Go away, Asuka. I--URK!
[The little `URK' part is from Jared grabbing Shinji by the collar and
lifting the comparatively small boy from his bed with one hand. Jared
yanks off the headphones stuck in Shinji's ears and glares hard at the
Eva pilot, still holding him off of the floor.]
Jared: (low voice) We need to talk, invertebrate.
Shinji: (about ready to piss in his pants) Uhh... yeah. Okay. Talk away.
Jared: You've been paying attention to how Asuka acts for some time now.
At the moment, she seems extremely depressed, even suicidal, I would
venture. Do you know why she's like this?
[Shinji thinks about this for a moment, then shakes his head.]
Jared: It's because she kissed me. Nothing major, mind you, just a peck
on the cheek, but after those mood swings from that damn shampoo, and
_you_... she's not feeling so well.
Shinji: Me?
Jared: You are aware Asuka is in love with you, right?
Shinji: (extremely skeptical) So... that's why she keeps hitting me?
Jared: Of course.
Shinji: Riiiight.
Jared: Allow me to explain.
[Shinji pales visibly, a reaction Jared ignores completely.]
Jared: Look, if Asuka likes you, do you think her sense of pride would
allow her to simply admit it?
Shinji: (gives Jared the 'Duuuh' look) Yes.
Jared: And yet, she loves you and wants you to lavish attention on her
like the goddess she is, right?
Shinji: So?
[Without warning, Jared grabs Shinji by the collar again and tosses the
light boy over his shoulders in a fireman's carry. A quick trip down the
hall and into the bathroom follows.]
Shinji: What are you doing?! HEY! PUT ME DOWN!!!
[The tub, occupied only by Pen^2, is filled with lukewarm water. Jared
sets Shinji down, ignoring the boy's protests, grabs him by the back of
the neck, and dunks his head in the water.]
Pen^2: WAARK!
Jared: (cue manly tears) It's for the best, boy. This may be hurting me
more than it's hurting you, but I have to do it!
[Jared pulls Shinji's head from the water. As the boy is coughing up the
rancid bath water, Jared leans in close to him.]
Jared: Now, what are you going to do about Asuka?
Shinji: (still coughing) Huh? Whaa?
Jared: Wrong answer.
[The drenching continues mercilessly.]
Jared: (pulling Shinji up) Okay, now what are you going to do about
Asuka?
Shinji: (still coughing) What about Asuka?!!
Jared: Still wrong answer.
[Shinji goes down for a third round.]
Jared: (pulling Shinji up) Talk.
Shinji: (after he gets most of the water out of his lungs) You want me
to deal with Asuka.
Jared: Right. How are you going to do that?
Shinji: I don't know!
Jared: Exactly ri--don't know? < -_- > Kiss her, you idiot.
Shinji: Huh?! How is that supposed to help!
Jared: (irritated) Have you been listening to a word I've said? Okay...
Shinji, how would you feel if you loved someone but were too embarrassed
to tell them, and they completely ignored you and tried to avoid you at
all costs. Would that make you happy or just leave you upset?
Shinji: (looks at the clearly impatient Jared and decides to give a
straight answer) I would be very upset.
Jared: Good. Now suppose you were slightly brain damaged, say, as a
result of being female. (Shinji's eyebrow begins to twitch) In order to
get the attention of the object of your affections, you do what comes to
mind first. And since you're angry...
Shinji: (catching on) You start hitting the guy.
Jared: Right.
Shinji: Why are you telling me all this?
Jared: (offers Shinji a towel) I know from experience. You see, I had
this girlfriend once... Hey, why _am_ I telling you this?
Shinji: (dries his face up a bit) Um... because you want to?
Jared: Oh, har har. It is to laugh. The day I (points at himself) start
telling you (pokes Shinji in the chest, lightly) about my problems is
the day the JSSDF invades NERV and starts dropping N2 bombs all over
Tokyo-3. (ignores the coughing Shinji) Hmm... I'd better start making a
list, it won't be but two or three months. Maybe we can push the date
back....
Shinji: (manages to regain the ability to breath, despite his bruised
chest) What?
Jared: Oh, nothing. Look, you screwed up the courage to kiss her once,
right?
Shinji: (thinks to himself, then stares at Jared) Hey, how do you know
about--
Jared: Never mind how I know! She just wants your undivided attention.
And... maybe your body too. (under his breath) I should know this, I saw
the end of the series for crying out loud.
Shinji: Okay, let's say you're right. What do I do now?
Jared: (puts his hands on Shinji's shoulders as a wise Sensei giving his
young student worldly advice) If you can't silence her with a kiss, you
have no choice but to shag her rotten.
Shinji: W-WHAT?!!
Jared: Trust me on this. She's probably on the roof by now, so you'd
better hurry. And mind the wholesale property damage up there, `k?
Shinji: (looks at Jared strangely) ...
Jared: Don't worry about me, I can't fix everyone's problems, so I'm
just doing what I can. I'll Ninja Vanish back to my place, you go talk
to Asuka, and we can call it even.
Shinji: (gets to the bathroom door) You live next door. Why would you--
(turns around to see an empty room) Ninja Van...
[Shinji looks the room over, seeing hide nor hair of Jared, then is
about to look up when a crooked smile comes over his face. He mouths an
`arigato' to the room and quickly leaves.]
[Above the door, wedged into the corner, is Jared. He waits for the
sound of the front door opening and closing, then drops noiselessly to
the floor, rubbing his fingers.]
Jared: I'm gonna get a horrible case of arthritis from all this.
[He stretches, then goes back home.]
----------
[While Jared was off torturing a couple of Eva pilots...]
John: I'm telling you, there's something wrong with him! Or with us!
Andy: You're waving around revealing photographs of a fifteen-year-old
girl, John. What do you mean `something' wrong?
[Pause to have said photos carefully put away.]
John: Let me try this from a different angle. Item 1: The integrated
voice-systems Mini-MAGI.
Andy: That thing Jared lost?
John: Item 2: That little fit he had before he took it off and left our
apartment.
Andy: You're not going anywhere with this...
John: Item 3: The chip and cash he stole from those two engineers.
Andy: John...
John: Item 4: The boss chewing us out because he thought we were
interfering with his surveillance.
Andy: ...
John: Item 5: The train wreck.
[Andy scratches his chin, almost achieving coherent thought.]
John: First off, he knew it was being built and literally fought to keep
it. I know he's a technology hound, but he's not that bad. Second, he
took the thing off and left it _in_my_company_ when I was pissed off.
Does that sound smart?
Andy: No, but Jared's insane, so--
John: Listen! Third, the engineers. They were under NERV surveillance
for a while, but that was mysteriously called, apparently by somebody
imitating the boss' voice. Can you or I do that?
Andy: No, but neither can Jared.
John: But what if he had a full-featured supercomputer and voice
synthesis system on his wrist?
Andy: (eyes light up) Holy shit...
John: Not quite. So, the engineers disappear into nowhere, evading a
huge manhunt after Jared handily defeats a group of incompetent
assassins. He killed one, but the others committed suicide rather than
remain in captivity and get questioned.
Andy: John, who are we dealing with?
John: Well, SEELE's a big problem, but let's concentrate on Jared for...
do you hear that?
Andy: That water noise? Maybe someone's taking a bath.
John: (blinks) Or doing a cannonball. (shakes his head) This city gets
crazier every second. Anyway, we also have the Series Hero Effect to
deal with.
Andy: What the Hell is the Series Hero Effect?!!
John: In a nutshell, Jared knows that for a given story arc, a single
person may either alone or commanding a team, must be victorious against
the biggest threat of that story arc.
Andy: Okay, Mr. Stone, let's say I do buy your conspiracy theory. If
Jared thinks he's going to be some crushes-all-comers hero, then what?
John: We know he already set some elements in motion; maybe the
engineers were the pinnacle of his power, but with the ki blasts you and
him fried each other with yesterday evening, I'm not so sure...
Andy: But what about the chip and the Mini-MAGI. Jared did say he lost
it.
John: It must be in the lab!
Andy: What's he going to do with it... that's the question.
John: (looks at Andy strangely) Aren't you the least bit curious how you
managed to match Jared in a match and fire your first ki blast at the
same time as him?
Andy: (weird look in his eyes) He is a lowly third class warrior! _I_ am
the Prince of all Saiyajins. Of course he cannot eclipse my power!
John: < O_O;;; > Uh... right.
[The door opens at moment, ending the conversation and admitting Jared.
He looks at the two guilty Goons for a second.]
Jared: (thinking) They're staring at me again... oh well, that happens
all the time. (out loud) I'm going to bed.
John: Er... yeah. Thanks for the pictures, by the way. I'm not much of a
photographer.
Jared: Neither am I.
John: Oh... (realizes it) wait a minute! Who took those?
Jared: Sore wa...
John: Sore wa hime desu my BUTT!
Jared: Hey, I just--
John: (whips out a 2x4) It is time...
Jared: < O_O > To beat me up?
Andy: < ^_^ > Of course!
Jared: AAAAAHHHH!!!
[Jared dodges both John and Andy, who hit each other with their weapons.
The perverted Goon makes it out of the door before his pursuers recover
and give chase. In no time flat, they are on the roof, where Jared runs
out of places to... well, run.]
Jared: (looks at the building's edge) Shit. (looks to his crazed
friends) Guys? Guys?!! Tell me this is a JOKE!!!
John: (advancing) Oh, we aren't joking...
Andy: (also advancing) Yes, mortal... it is time!
Jared: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
----------
[Pan down a dozen levels or so, the elevator, which opens near Misato's
apartment. Shinji and Asuka disembark from it, Asuka's face red from
blushing and crying, and Shinji's face red from just plain blushing. At
Jared's screaming, they both look instinctively up.]
Asuka: Baka.
Shinji: Yeah...
----------
[The next morning is a bright new day.]
[In the Three Goons' apartment, specifically John's bedroom, we see the
youngest of the trio of disasters sound asleep as the sun peeks through
his blinds.]
John: Unngh...
[Then the alarm goes off.]
John: AAH! Huh? Whaaa? It's morn.... work. I have to get to work! I'm
gonna be late!
[A few seconds later, John bolts out of the front door to the apartment.
He's three hours late for work, and mass transit will only allow the
other Goons more free time to themselves. Still buttoning his dress
shirt absently with one hand, he's ravenously eating a slice of toast
with the other.]
[And in case you're wondering, the "Breakfast at Misato's" music is
playing faintly in the background.]
John: Manff togg oo!
[Without a glance back, John leaps clear of the balcony walkway around
the apartment building and takes to the sky. Once airborne, he quickly
finishes his toast and struggles to take care of the buttons on his
shirt.]
----------
[At NERV...]
Bridge Extra #4: We've got a UFO on scope!
Bridge Extra #2: Orange pattern, it's definitely not an Angel!
Bridge Extra #4: But it's way too small to be a plane!
Bridge Extra #3: And too big to be a bird. Scramble the fighters and tag
it as an unknown. Tell the pilots not to fire until fired upon.
Bridge Extra #2, #4: Yes sir!
----------
John: Such a nice day, too. Not that I normally enjoy mornings, but...
what the?
[Far below his flight path, John eyes spot a street corner where a
certain red head and a certain faux-blond scientist stand, both wearing
large signs that read "The End is Near." John boggles for a second,
then...]
John: Must be a NERV thing.
[Fade out...]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
End Episode 6
Finally!
[The preview music starts up.]
Andy: (voice over) What happens in the next exciting episode of Three
Goons in Eva?
Jared: We don't know because John's writing it and he isn't giving out
any teasers! Well, none worthwhile, anyway.
John: Bite me. After picking your sorry corpses, you should be thankful
I'm taking the time to write a part!
Author John: You're not writing it, I am!
Jared: Here we go again...
[Cue the sounds of fighting.]
Author Jared: Well, she beat the 140k barrier, easy, yet I just couldn't
crack 150. Damn! Well, it's way past 100, so I'm happy. Actually, no,
I'm not. And furthermore, I need to make an announcement. First off, I
like working on TGE, I really do. It's a good chance to just be silly
when I need it most. Trouble is, it must be taken in small doses, or my
brain tries to make it serious. Something about remaining on an even
keel, or some crap like that. Bottom line: I'm damn happy that I'm done
with six, and it's doubtful I'll be doing a one-man marathon like this
for my next episode. It'll be serious scaled down if I have to shred
John's plot in a handful of scenes. Can you believe that schmuck wanted
me to "finish" part three?
It's a mess now, huge! It didn't need the extra stuff! Granted, a
re-write for clarity was a must, but that didn't mean it had to get
bigger. Maybe I just have a problem with keeping things down to a sane
length. Don't believe me, look at the shit I write. Where was I? Oh
yeah, this part. I'll admit to a little angst, but I'm entitled, and
you'll live. Wanna complain? E-mail me if you dare! About the humor?
There's nothing wrong with it. Granted, there isn't as much as you're
used to, but what's there isn't half bad, as far as TGE goes.
Evaluation: Success, emotionally heavy, still funny, and waaaay too
long.
And you know what?
I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
----------
[Still reading? Then be greeted by the Epilogue!]
[The time is apparently late at night, and Jared is hard at work inside
the laboratory behind the bookshelf. Beside him sits the stack of papers
from earlier in this episode, when he was `imprisoned' by NERV.]
Jared: (maniacally triumphant) SIDESTEP! SHE IS FINISHED!!!
[His index finger descends hastily upon the "save" button, only to miss
and hit a giant yellow button coated with warning signs instead.]
Jared: BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--
Computer Voice: Manuscript uploaded to System X Artificial Intelligence
routines.
New Computer Voice: I live.
[An ominous roll of thunder is heard from outside.]
Jared: What the... (
geocities.com/rick_spiff)