WARNING: This joke, yes the one you are reading right now, has been done
so many times that reading it again may cause you physical pain. There.
You've been warned.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Goon's apartment. John awakes from a brief nap and rubs the back of his
head (where markings of what induced the map ache slightly). After a
quick search of the premises turns up nothing, he heads for the roof.]
Andy: (whipping Jared) Say my name bitch! Say it!
[John steps out of the door in time to see the mean end of a bullwhip
flying at his face. He calmly raises his ki shield, which resembles...
air? The whip smacks him square in the face, drawing first blood.]
John: OOOW! Mother fucker!
Andy: Halt! Who goes there?
John: Me, you moron! (blinks) Hey, what happened that time?
(concentrates for a second) Holy shit. Our ki abilities are being
jammed.
Jared: C'mon, dude!
Andy: Oh, right. (resumes the whipping)
Jared: Andy! Ow! I almost had it this time.
John: (dabbing at his face with a handkerchief) I'm going to regret
asking this, but what are you doing?
Andy: (putting down the whip) Isn't it obvious? Whipping Jared.
John: But he enjoys...never mind. By the way, it's your turn to come up
with a plan to defeat the next Angel.
Andy: (goes back to whipping Jared) Already on it, Genoni.
John: Well...any good plans yet?
Andy: You're looking at it. Of course, I don't think it will work as
advertised, but Jared swears up and down...
[John tunes out Andy's monologue to stare at the scene before him. The
critical eye reveals...Andy whipping Jared, and a blindfolded Jared
frantically trying to grab the whip.]
John: I'm sorry I missed that meeting. What's this supposed to
accomplish?
[Andy shrugs, but Jared begins speaking as he continues dodging and
reaching for where the whip was a second ago.]
Jared: Simple, really. If I can snatch this whip out of the air
blindfolded, and tie it up before Andy pulls it taunt, then tying the
16th Angel into knots will be child's play.
John: ...Aaaand?
Jared: Well, then we shoot it. I thought that was obvious.
John: ...I give up. Somehow you guys are making both more and less sense
than usual. It's madness, I say! The next thing you know, fanfic authors
will be finishing their stories!
[A ceiling tile falls on John's head, causing him to glare at the
cloudless sky.]
Jared: Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch. If you aren't going to
contribute, quit bothering us. HAA!
[Jared's hands finally touch the whip. Quicker than a mongoose, Andy
snatches his tool back, to find the last foot tied into one hopelessly
tight mess of knots. He nods and pulls another whip from...let's just
not dwell on that. Anyway, he pulls out another whip, and resumes
attacking Jared.]
John: (musing aloud) Is that a ki technique?
Andy: No, I've got a box over here.
[Andy moves, letting John and the readers see a box his body was
blocking.]
Andy: Wait, ki techniques? (tries to fly again, then poses and roars)
CURSE... (normal voice) Who's responsible for this, Genoni?
John: Even money on the good doctor.
Andy: (back to roaring) CURSE YOU AKAGI!
[He whips Jared a few more times, then looks at John.]
Andy: What are you doing here?
John: Good question, why don't you ask Ritsuko.
Andy: I think I will. (tries to IT to NERV, then stares at his fingers
in shock) My GOD! Our ki abilities are being jammed!
[John puts his head in his hands.]
Jared: They are?! Quickly, to NERV! We must get the doctor to stop this
tomfoolry!
John: Is that even a word?
[Andy and Jared, it turns out, are ignoring him. Or maybe they just
didn't hear him. Being four floors down and descending rapidly could
also be a trifle distracting, who knows? In either case, they cease to
care what John asked after they hit the ground.]
John: (to the audience) I know. I could have stopped them, but where's
the fun in that?
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 11
Up on the Boardwalk /
Down by the Sea...
--------------------------------------------------
[Some hours later, Jared and Andy are walking down a random street in
Tokyo-3. Between them they hold a large piece of paper labeled 'TREASURE
MAP.']
Jared: (pointing) It's this way!
Andy: No, it's obviously this way!
Jared: Don't lead me astray, Mucha, I want that underwear stash!
Andy: What are babbling about now, Waddell? We're going to get my Really
Big Gun!
[The bickering goes on as the Goons attempt to find the "X" that marks
the spot.]
----------
[MEANWHILE!]
[I give you Ritsuko's bed. Ritsuko is in it, naturally, reading a book.
John suddenly sips up in the other side.]
John: (in stunning realization) The world is still here!
Ritsuko: I'd say that's a new record. Your plan is going well, I take
it?
[John concentrates for a second, then shrugs.]
John: Well, the hardest part was drawing the treasure map. As long as
there's nothing truly dangerous where I put the X, we'll live to see
another day without Andy and Jared unsupervised.
[Ritsuko throws the book aside and tackles John.]
----------
[Jared and Andy, now on the opposite side of town and still arguing,
pass one young Kensuke Aida. The youth is wearing a 'The End is Near'
sign, as it is the latest in Tokyo-3 fashion. After a dozen more paces,
the goons turn around and start walking along either side of the pilot.]
Jared: Hey, Kensuke, what's up?
Kensuke: Oh, just out getting some fresh air. I'm too busy to go camping
tonight, so...
Andy: Ah, the great outdoors...millions of base animals trying to
slaughter you and drink your blood, sink holes with maws a dozen yards
wide and teeth the size of kitchen knives, six-limbed tigers with four
glowing green eyes, and let's not forget the six-foot-tall flies that
walk on their hind legs and sing opera to subdue you! ...What?
[Jared and Kensuke stop staring--with effort.]
Kensuke: Uh, anyway, what are you two doing out here?
Jared: (whispers in Kensuke's ear) We're searching for buried treasure.
Andy: _I'm_ searching for buried treasure, (points to Jared) he's
distracting me.
Kensuke: (looking at the map) But...but _this_ is where the 'X' is!
[Andy and Jared look around wildly, but their search of the Tokyo-3
skyline is interrupted by...]
Jared: Oh, look! A transparent, mile-wide butterfly!
Andy: It's the next Angel!
[Kensuke pats his sign knowingly as the Goons each take one of his arms
and make for the nearest NERV elevator.]
----------
[Fifteen minutes after the initial siren, the Evas are launched.]
Ritsuko: Ki generation inhibiting device off!
Misato: Whoo-hoo! Now go kick that Angel's ass!
----------
[On the battlefield.]
Jared: (posing) Now is my chance!
John: (readying pallet rifle) To do what?
Jared: ...I hadn't thought that far ahead.
John: Big surprise.
Andy: Hey! It's--
----------
[In the command deck.]
Misato: (watching the Angel retreat on the big monitor) It's getting
away! Shoot it!
----------
[On the surface, Jared is jumping futilely towards the Angel. Granted,
in his Eva, a jump straight into the air is like a mile or so high, but
the Angel is reaching several dozen miles.]
John: It's time (dramatic pause, which nobody notices) to get out the
Big One.
Andy: (suddenly hopping around John) Where? Where? Where? Mine! Mine!
Mine!
[John sighs.]
Misato: (over comm.) Okay, backup plan! EVA LAUNCH!
John: Misato, we're already--
[Rockets begin to burn. It takes a few seconds for the Americans to
realize that the rockets are attached to their Evangelions. By that
time, they're already lifting off.]
Jared: How the HELL did we not realize someone put rockets on our Evas?
Andy: What, these? These are Super Vernier Engines. Ritsuko's using our
Evas as the test platforms because if we blow up, no one cares. Should
they function properly in the field, the other Evas will be equipped
with them in due time.
Jared: ...
John: ...
Andy: (pointing at the Angel) There it is!
[After a few more minutes of flight time, the Goons close in on the
Angel. Jared, in the lightest Eva, reaches it first.]
Jared: (squealing with joy) Bernadette!
[Unit-03 wraps its arms around the Angel, which ties itself into a knot
before imploding.]
Jared: What...what happened?
John: (this-is-obvious tone) You hugged it.
Jared: GOD DAMN IT!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Next Episode Preview:]
Andy: The sixteenth Angel arrives, and the Goons sink to new depths of
depravity! Can Hikari be stopped from kissing Asuka? Will Rei get out of
the pool before she's a PRUNE?! See all this in more, in the next
episode of...Three! Goons! in! EVA!!! (
geocities.com/rick_spiff)