WARNING: I wrote this. Isn't that warning enough?
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[It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, Tokyo-3 is mostly rebuilt,
the cicadas are having an orgy the likes of which have never been seen,
and hopefully WILL never be seen. We zoom in on several kids on their
merry way to school.]
Hikari: (watching the three stooges argue over which ki technique would
work the best against the Americans) Hey, Asuka?
Asuka: Yes?
Hikari: Have you kissed Shinji yet?
[Asuka opens her mouth to reply, then shuts it before a feline exits
a...crap, I can't find my thesaurus. Before she, uh...okay, you get the
idea.]
Asuka: Err...yes.
Hikari: (sighs) I wonder what it's like...
[Hikari stops walking, then glances around. Asuka, who's stopped beside
her, suddenly realizes that the stooges have turned the corner and the
street is otherwise deserted.]
Asuka: (thinking) Wait a minute...
Hikari: (turning to face her friend, a dreamy look on her face) Asuka...
Asuka: (thinking) Oh shiiit. Where can I run? Where can I run? And who's
that with...@%*&!& !*&$*!&$^! *~ *$&^
Jared: (about to preserve the moment for posterity) What are you waiting
for? A friend in need...
Asuka: (throwing down her book bag and sliding into a stance) For
attempting to deflower this girl of her honor, you shall die!
[Interrupting Jared's untimely demise, a long shadow is cast over the
two.]
Hikari: (screams) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Jared: (evil smirk) Looks like we'll have to pick this up later.
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TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 12
Dull Wit but Sharp Points /
Kawaiikune!
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[MEANWHILE!]
[I'm not going to bother describing Rei swimming in the otherwise unused
outdoor pool Genoni got her a pass to some weeks ago. I'm not going to
comment on the epic struggle said Goon had to endure to obtain said
pass. I'm not going to recap what Rei has done with her free pool time.
Most of all, I'm not going to comment on how snugly her swimming suit is
forming itself around her supple young body. I'm not going to comment
about how nicely her figure has developed over the (what, six years?)
time this story has...oh fuck it. She's in a swimming pool, it's a
cheesecake shot, cue the porno music, and after about a minute of this
fan service, the shadow of the sixteenth Angel is cast over the pool.]
[Rei stops swimming and looks towards the new attacker while bobbing in
the water.]
Rei: well, that's it; time to go to work.
[Mega kudos to those who can recognize which fanfic that line comes
from.]
----------
Ritsuko: Ki generation inhibitor deactivated!
Maya: Pilots synched!
Sheigeru: Target in holding pattern!
Aoba: And the mall is secure!
Misato: (whispering to Ritsuko) He just hasn't been the same since
you-know-who got him the Mel Brooks boxed set. (shouting) EVA LAUNCH!
[Again, kudos if you can name the movie that line is referencing. It is
a Mel Brooks movie, by the way.]
----------
[MEANWHILE! On the surface...]
John: (posing in Unit-06') Secret Eva-zord, go!
Asuka: (bopping Unit-06' on the head in passing) We already did that
joke, baka!
Jared: Cut the chatter, zero-two. Everybody get into position.
Misato: (over comm.) Okay, I want Shinji to--
Jared: Can it. We've got a plan to try here, and you get second dibs,
remember?
Misato: (over comm.) Shoot. Okay, you get one shot at this.
Jared: (to Andy) Start the countdown! John, use your shadow!
[A cardboard cut-out of Unit-05 pops up near the Angel. The invader
promptly attacks the target while the real Unit-05, with Rei safely
inside, hides behind Unit-04'.]
[John takes a deep breath, and something blacker than the color black
could ever been seems to slide across the surface of reality itself and
reach out to touch the Angel. Distracted, the invader thrashes around
for a moment before regaining its bearings. By the time it does, Unit-03
is in position, and the Angel attacks.]
Jared: Waddell-Ryu, I Used to Be a Boy Scout Super Knot-Tying technique!
[A half-second later, a knot of light is flying towards Toji and
Shinji.]
Shinji: Here it comes!
Toji: I'm ready.
[The two Evas catch the Angel handily, and Toji quickly begins spinning
in place, holding onto the Angel with his Eva. Then the infection
begins.]
Toji: AAAAAAHHHH!!!
[Unit-01 quickly steps behind the besieged Eva and takes over the spin.
The Angel is pulled nearly straight by the centrifugal force. Finally,
the stress is too much, and the Angel is ripped from Unit-07 and sent
flying directly towards Unit-03. Rather than stand there like an idiot,
Jared gets moving and kicks the incoming Angel with something designed
to separate heads from bodies. The effect is like a rocket-powered
tennis racket on a massive scale.]
[Andy, Kensuke, and Asuka have been waiting for this moment. Andy, with
the massive Gatling gun that wraps halfway around Unit-04, takes aim.
Asuka, holding the particle cannon from past Eva episodes, let's the
computers track the rapidly moving target, and pulls the trigger.
Lastly, Kensuke is holding a weapon that might look familiar to some
Marines. After all, the M82 is a pretty distinctive piece of equipment,
even scaled up to Evangelion sizes. And don't get me started on the
noise she makes when fired.]
[Needless to say, there isn't enough left of the Angel to fill a Chinese
take-out box.]
[Wordlessly, Unit-05 holds up a large white card with black numerals on
it.]
["9.9"]
Ritsuko: (over comm.) That didn't get a ten?
Jared: (to Andy) Time!
Andy: (stops his stopwatch) Four days, three hours, twenty-nine minutes,
eighteen seconds.
Jared: ...Okay, what's that mean?
Andy: That means I bought this stopwatch four days, three hours,
twenty-nine minutes, and eighteen seconds.
Jared: You're not helping my ego here...
John: That's a good thing.
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[Ritsuko calmly enters Misato's office.]
Ritsuko: Good afternoon, Major.
Misato: It's midnight, but good evening anyway, doctor. Something you
need?
Ritsuko: (fiddles with some paperwork on Misato's desk) Well...
[After about three seconds of stalling, Misato grows weary of the
charade.]
Misato: Spit it out, doctor. I can't have you moping around my desk when
I still have this much paperwork to get done. I have beer at my
apartment that won't drink itself, you know.
Ritsuko: (sighs) It's nothing. I just wanted to make sure you've been
okay. The device, being on all the time, I mean. It hasn't...given you
too much trouble?
Misato: < -_- > No. And the American's haven't leveled Mt. Fuji yet, so
I'd say your dirty little secret has been more a blessing than a curse.
Ritsuko: That's good. Well, I'll see you around, Major.
[Ritsuko leaves the room and leans against the wall outside.]
Ritsuko: (thinking) I just can't do it...where would I begin? 'Hey
Misato, our boss is trying to destroy humanity and those three nutcases
are going to try and stop him and given their track record...we're
screwed.'
[The doctor shakes her head, gathers herself, and walks down the
hallway. At the elevator, she stops and looks back at the remarkably
normal door that marks the entryway to Misato's office.]
Ritsuko: (thinking) Whatever happens, Misato...I hope we both do the
right thing.
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[There is no next episode preview, because this is the end of the
series. Stay tuned for the movies 'End of Goonvangelion!'] (
geocities.com/rick_spiff)