[In the comfortable, homely residence of one Andrew Mucha,(1)
three young men(2) are about to partake in a rare and dangerous
ritual(3) that will test their mental and fortitude and physical
stamina to the utmost.(4) They are about to be pushed to their
limits and beyond, by forces they do not fully understand.(5)]
[They are about to commence an out-of-order Evangelion
marathon.]
John: (on the couch) Popcorn?(6)
Jared: (hefts a bowl of the snack food that could feed a small country
for weeks) Here.
John: Tapes?
Andy: (eyes closed, holding a white VHS cassette in the air(7)) Here.
Jared: Are we spiritually prepared?
[John stares at Jared, then moves a little further away. Andy
just frowns, his eyes still closed.(8)]
Andy: What ever.
John: (in his best Raiden voice) Now, for the challenge of the ages...
Andy: It's guess the episode time! (opens his eyes, looks at the tape,
nods to himself, and begins feeding it into the VCR)
[Jared hands the popcorn to John, who starts munching on the
buttery goodness. Jared snatches the huge multi-device remote
from the coffee table as Andy pushes the tape home. His finger
descends on the chosen button with laser-like precision and...]
[White out.(9)]
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"No, it was not a mistake. It was more like a shared
hallucination of the senses. It was powerful. It was
destiny. It was adventure. It was... fun." - Andy.
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Insanity Productions is ashamed to present...
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"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
it... ah... aheh heh... I can't remember the rest. Well,
Andy and Jared beat the crap out of each other and I,
being the kind soul I am, brought them back here... To
NERV. What am I thinking?!!" - John.(10)
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A work of Three Goons by Three Goons
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"Jared, please do not spike the N2 mine." - Ritsuko.(11)
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Staring The Three Goons (c)(12)
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TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Hope is for the Foolish /
Who, What, Where, and Does that Come with Chocolate?(13)
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(14)
Jared: (stares at the remote control in his hand) What the hell?!
[John is sitting on the ground next to him. The two are no
longer on a couch, or in a house, but are sitting on a patch of
grass on the side of a hill. A warm breeze blows from the east,
the sun setting to their left in the western sky. The bowl of
popcorn is gone, but a fistful of the food is still clutched in
John's shaking hand.(15)]
John: What just happened?
[Andy is standing in front of the two, his arms folded over his
chest and a look of shock on his face. After a moment, he starts
whistling the the X-Files theme.]
John: (casually) Andy. Stop or I will personally kill you with my bare
hands.
[Andy, towering over John, glares down at his friends. Jared
stares at the remote for a few seconds and clambers to his feet,
looking over the horizon past Andy. John breaks the staring
contest with Andy after a few seconds and also gets to his feet,
looking at whatever Jared has seen. Andy glares at the both of
them for a minute before turning around to see what they're
looking at.]
Andy: Well, we aren't in Kansas anymore.(16)
[Understatement of the Year Award is hereby given to Andrew
Mucha for his excellent comment.]
Andy: (tearful) I'd like to thank the Academy...(17)
Author: Can it. I have a fic to write.
Jared: (snapping) Kansas? We don't live in Kansas. I've never even BEEN
to Kansas!(18) I DON'T SEE ANY KANSIANS AROUND HERE! WE'RE IN
JAPAN!!!(19)
John: 'Kansians'?
Andy: Well, anyone up for a refund?
[Cicadas hum in the background. John turns to Jared.]
John: Jared?
Jared: (recovering his composure slowly) Yes?
Andy: This always happens when you hog the remote!
[John opens his mouth and the real curse-fest begins....]
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________________________________________________________________________
End Prologue
Next Episode: (Jared Voice Over) Well, that's how it started. Where will
we go from here? (shot of Unit-02, up close... VERY close) Perhaps
things will get better... (shot of the Goons running from Unit-02)
Perhaps things will get worse... (short of John strapped to a gourney,
covered in blood) Whatever the case, BE THERE!
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(1) Who would prefer to be called--and is called--Andy pretty much
throughout the entire series. Occasionally he will be called Andrew
or Mucha where repeating Andy too many times may get annoying, or
when someone really wants his attention. Don't panic; they're all
the same person.(20)
(2) Well, one man and two boys.(21)
(3) Watching anime. (Don't skip ahead, don't skip ahead!)
(4) No, you really don't want the details. And if you've done a
26-episode anime marathon yourself, you don't need them.
(5) Although this is true, it can also be argued that nothing can be
fully understood, as all that remains at that point is knowledge
rather than the actual object the knowledge represents.(22)
(6) From corn, a crop grown first by the natives of Mexico on the North
American continent. In Spanish, it is still called Maize. When
dried, the kernels are heated--usually in a pan filled with grease
or vegitable oil--and the heat causes the remaining moisture to turn
into steam. The sudden pressure blows up the insides of the kernel
like an over-inflated tire, resulting in many small pieces of a
white fluffy edible substance that people the world over enjoy.
Remember this. There will be a test.(31)
(7) The color of most AD Vision releases.(23)
(8) When I ask a question of this nature,(24) he who responds will
usually be subjected to brief but intense "training."
(9) It's important to note here that we don't see which button Jared was
aiming for, nor are we able to say for sure if he pressed the chosen
button, or any button at all.
(10) Though, curiously, he doesn't say that at all.
(11) This probably won't get said either, as I don't try to use an N^2
device against an angel.(25)
(12) That should be obvious by this point. If not, then it will be soon.
(13) I really like chocolate.
(14) This scene is one of the few things that has remained virtually
unchanged from concept to execution.(26)
(15) John isn't foolish enough to leave the bowl in his hands, so it was
sitting on the couch when Jared did his thing with the remote.(27)
(16) Terribly cliche, though funny, because they weren't in Kansas to
begin with.
(17) Were he a bit more bold, Andy would pull crap like this in Real
Life.
(18) Actually, none of us have.
(19) And how he knew that they were in Japan shall remain a mystery for
the foreseeable future.(28)
(20) Andy would also like to point out that it is a rather nice house.
(21) Though that depends on your point of view.(29)
(22) In a sense, this means that I'm already needlessly repeating myself.
(23) Ominously, the final two volumes of NGE,(32) containing episodes 23
through 26 collectively, are black.
(24) A rhetorical 'no.'
(25) Or anyone/thing else for that matter.(30)
(26) Compared to the rest of the story, which is frequently written on
the fly.
(27) For clarification, it was between him and Jared... but not anymore.
(28) Though recognizing Mt. Fuji can't be that hard.
(29) Jared's the man, in case you were wondering.
(30) Come to think of it, Jared doesn't use an N^2 mine for _anything_.
(31) Not in this chapter, cowboy.
(32) Short for Neon Genesis Evangelion. If you don't already know this,
you'd better watch the series before you go any further.
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Ver 1.0 Jul 6, 2001
Ver 1.1 Jun 25, 2002
Ver 1.2 Sep 17, 2002
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