DISCLAIMER: THEY'RE ALL MINE!!! ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN!
BUWAHAHAHA!!! Er... I have no idea what came over me... yeah.(1)
Most of these characters are from Neon Genesis: Evangelion. Most
of the character is from the Three Goons.(2) I disclaim this is
neither good nor bad, but quality is in the eye of the
beholder...
WARNING: Foul language. I tried to sneak some sex in, but John
actually wanted the public to read this without their eyes
bleeding.(3) Jerk. One of these days... Well, I promise to
un-censor what I can, and sneak in everything else.
NOTE: I wrote very little of this. Hold the other trolls(4) more
responsible than I. Well, except for the good parts. Okay, I
basically wrote the whole damn thing.(5) Where the others have
contributed, you shouldn't notice; they're pretty good.
________________________________________________________________________
[John, Jared, and Andy are sitting around, doing nothing
interesting.(6) John is writing something, seated at the hotel's
mini-desk. Andy is on the tube,(7) and Jared is making something
in the corner, mostly assembling it with burnt fingers.]
[Andy wanders over to John, looking over his shoulder.]
Andy: What're ya doing?
John: Drawing up a contract to ensure our 'Three Goons' isn't stolen by
somebody.
Andy: What? You mean you're copyrighting 'Three Goons'?(8)
John: (evil Mr.Burns pose) Yesss.
Andy: Why you? We're the other two thirds this Three Goons speaks of.
Jared: (over Andy's shoulder) Quit talking like you own the idea,
Andy.(9)
Andy: (hefting 2x4) Why should I?
Jared: (Readying Katana) Oh, no reason.
[Meanwhile, across the street, encamped on another building...]
JSDF Guy #9: (lowers binoculars) I'm amazed they haven't killed off each
other yet...(10)
JSDF Guy #45: How can they just pull out those kinds of weapons?(11)
JSDF Guy #3196: You probably don't want to know.(12)
JSDF Guy #45: Lobby is getting paged.
________________________________________________________________________
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons
Paint the Town(13) /
Beggars and Choosers(14)
________________________________________________________________________
Jared: Just a little fresh air.
[In the lobby of this hotel, Jared is talking to a JSDF officer
that's almost as tall as he is.]
JSDF Guy: Look, you don't go outside without the Commander's permission
and an escort.(15)
Jared: Then get his permission. I don't mind an escort.
JSDF Guy: But the Commander's unavailable.
Jared: (scoffs) Probably having tea with SEELE...
JSDF Guy: Excuse me?
Jared: Nothing. Look, I'm goin' outside with or without your permission.
Now we can do this the hard way or the easy way, so just don't
argue with me and I'll go easy on you.
JSDF Guy: Now look here... where'd he go?(16)
[The lobby is empty...]
JSDF Guy: God damn it!(17)
________________________________________________________________________
[In one of the many endless levels of NERV, Ritsuko is typing
away at a computer terminal when her phone rings. We are spared
the exact contents of the dialogue as it is not translated.(18)]
Ritsuko: (into her cell phone) Moshi moshi?
JSDF Guy: <Japanese>.(19)
Ritsuko: <Japanese>?
JSDF Guy: <Japanese>.
Ritsuko: <Japanese>! <Japanese> ... <Japanese>. <Japanese>?
JSDF Guy: <Japanese>.
[Ritsuko hangs up her phone.]
Ritsuko: Baka.
________________________________________________________________________
[Jared is out wandering the streets of Tokyo-3, scaring the
lay-people half to death in his black robe with the big,
suspiciously realistic scythe in one hand and a worn paper with
some list on it held in the other.(20)]
Jared: Hmm... a sidewalk CD vendor?(21) Interesting.
[Indeed, there is a small push-cart on the sidewalk, out of the
main flow of people, which is selling mini music CD's. Various
pop idols from this decade and the last dot the labels--all
Japanese. Jared, still in his death ensemble (no, we don't know
where he got it, and HELL NO, we don't want to), comes over to
the cart and starts checking out the CD's.]
Jared: (holding up a disk with a picture of a topless chick on the
front) How much for the orange one?
Shopkeep: <Japanese>(22)
Jared: Oops. Sorry.
Shopkeep: (points at a chart with Yen prices in Arabic* numerals)
<Japanese>
[Jared pays the alloted amount, then puts the disk under his
robe and walks away, shaking his head.]
Jared: Have to learn this damn language somehow...
[An old man, hunched over within a set of voluminous robes that
hide almost every detail(23) about him walks up next to Jared.]
Old Man: Mr. Foreigner?
Jared: Sorry dude, I can't speak Japanese yet--hey! You speak English!
Old Man: Of course, I lived in America for several years.
Jared: (less surprised) Oh, you learned the shitty English.(24)
Old Man: (chuckles dryly) Ah, ahem. Yes, basically. I have something to
tell you, and a gift... of sorts.
Jared: How about an auto-translator?
Old Man: (sweat drop) Maybe not, but I have some special beans.
Jared: (raises eyebrow) Beans? Pinto or lima?
Old Man: Magic beans.
Jared: < -_-; > Riiiiight.
Old Man: And as for your advice. The mauve chair and the plate seagull
fish Moscow at flute.
Jared: < 0_0;;; > ... How much?
Old Man: I have little need for money. What do you have to bargain with?
Jared: (opens the bag and looks inside) Hmm... (pulls out a portable
DVD/N256 player(25)) How about this?
Old Man: Holy cow! You can have 'em all!
Jared: < 0_0; > Uh... sure.
OM: Excellent. (holds out a small box as he takes the DVD/N256) Altoid?
Jared: (taking one of the curiously hot candies) Thanks, dude.
OM: (dumps a small bag in Jared's hands and leaves) Sayonara!
Jared: (looks at the beans) Hmm, hope John won't miss that. (looks
closely) 'F.M.'?
[Indeed, the bag in his hands has the letters 'F.M.' painted on
the side, in the style of a military stencil.]
Jared: (confused, but still pleased with himself) Cool.(26)
[He starts walking back to the hotel, looking at street signs.]
Jared: Wait, I can't read those!(27)
[Sorry. Well, they do have numbers on them, right?]
Jared: (to the fourth wall(28)) Actually, I don't think I've ever seen a
proper street sign in anime.
[Well... ah... yeah. Um... okay, moving along.]
________________________________________________________________________
John: You WHAT?!!!(29)
Jared: It's not like you were actually going to use it... that much...
while fighting in an Eva.(30)
[The Goons are again in the halls of NERV, being led around by
an escort. We follow with a panning shot, focusing on Jared and
John, while Andy occasionally disappears and reappears behind
him. One of the guards escorting them is looking at Andy
strangely every now and then, but only when the boy is actually
there. All of the guards are wearing full body armor.]
John: That's a pretty weak excuse, Mister!
[Andy disappears.]
Jared: They were pretty cool lookin', and the guy was all mysterious but
really nice. He even gave me an Altoid!
John: < -_- > That is probably because he was hoodwinking you.
Jared: Somehow, I highly doubt that line of reasoning.
[Jared and John veer off to a side hallway, the guards walk
about five paces down the correct hallway before pulling a
Chinese fire drill and herding Jared and John back in line. This
has happened before....(31)]
[Cue Flashback:]
[Halls of NERV, again. The Three Goons are walking along with
their escort.]
Jared: (whispering to John) Since these guys have been such dicks, I say
we torture them.
Andy: (rubbing hands together evilly; also whispering) I say we...
[annoy] them.
John: (also whispering) Aw, too easy.
Jared: (whispering) Well... I have an idea.
John: (whispering) Shoot.
Jared: (whispering) Not that. We keep trying to leave their little
group, but do like we didn't notice where we were going.
John: (whispering) Sounds pretty lame.
Andy: (whispering) These are pretty lame guards.
John: (mo-men-tum!) All right! Let's do it.(32)
[End Flashback.]
John: (pointing at the F.M. bag Jared is bouncing in the palm of his
hand) Just what are you going to do with a bag of beans, anyway?
Jared: I was thinking a meal of some kind.
John: For what, a rat? There's like, six beans in there!
[Andy reappears, keeps looking around the hallway without saying
anything; a rare occurrence indeed.]
Jared: Hah, there's at least twelve.
John: < -_- > ....
Jared: ... Hmm, maybe I should count them.
[Jared opens the bag, looking inside. He starts pointing his
finger in the bag, counting the beans. He stops after a second,
then picks up again. Then stops again. Then picks up again. Then
frowns, and starts counting them with a peculiar intensity. He
stops after a second, frowning deeper.(33)]
John: What?
Jared: These are some damn strange beans.
John: They were dancing before we left.
[Jared ignores this remark completely.]
Jared: It's like I try to count them, but then I loose track because I
reach the end and _know_ that number isn't right. Then I look
over it again and come up with a different number. Then neither
is close to being right and...
John: Give me that!
[John snatches away the bag. Andy leaps into the air,
disappearing. John starts counting, in much the same manner as
Jared did.]
John: See? There's seven.... < 0_0; > Uh, lemmie look again. (pause)
Wait, now there's... < 0_0;;; > no, that can't be right.(34)
[He dumps the beans out into his open hand. The group is now
walking on one of those long catwalks from Episode 1 of
Evangelion.(35)]
John: See, there's... not enough.
Jared: < -_- > Give it up.
John: We aren't gonna need these anyway.(36)
Jared: Then give them to me!
John: (tosses the beans over the side of the catwalk) Go fetch.
Jared: < 0_0 > NO!!! (dives after the beans)
[John catches him, then hands him to the goon squad. Andy
reappears as Jared is struggling to leap to certain death.]
Andy: What happened?
John: I chucked his beans.(37)
Andy: < 0_0;;; > Uh................. huh. May I inquire why?
John: (laces his fingers behind his head, whistling a show tune) Just
felt like the right thing to do.
[Andy stares after John for a moment as Jared is finally subdued
with billy clubs and a brick to the face.(38)]
________________________________________________________________________
[Just then, a rumbling begins.... Uh, wait. No... that isn't
right. Hold on a sec.(39)
(40)
Okay, here we go. The 'Three Goons'(41) had been taken to yet
another laboratory somewhere in the infinite hallways of NERV.
Andy was staring at a small black device that was displaying a
map on a tiny screen (something like the little comms from the
TMNT cartoon(42)). John was looking at the wall... and holding a
conversation with it. Jared was on the opposite side of the room
as John, alternately twiddling his thumbs and stretching out
like he expected to spar with Bruce Lee any second now.(43)]
[Finally, Misato walks in, trailed by Asuka. Asuka just glares
at Jared, who immediately runs up to her and bows at her feet.]
Asuka: Ugh.
Misato: (translated) We've got your synch test results and... (steels
herself) You three _can_ pilot Evangelions. (quickly) Mind you,
this doesn't mean you _will_....(44)
[But the three aren't paying attention to her, caught up in
their dance of joy.(45)]
Jared: You know what this means?!
John: We may have Evas?!
Andy: We may have Evas?!
John: I already said that!
Jared: < ^_^ > No! We get to bug Misato and move in with her!(46)
[John and Andy stare at Jared. After a second, BIG grins form on
their faces. Asuka finishes her translation and Misato starts to
turn beet-red.]
Andy: (rhetorically) When will he learn?
[Fade-out on John's frightened look.]
________________________________________________________________________
[Cut to: A firing range for Evas.(47)]
Ritsuko: (over voice comm.) Okay John, just line up the targets and
squeeze the trigger.
[John squeezes off five shots so fast the echoes overlap into
one big boom that makes Ritsuko's hair stand straight up.]
John: Anything else?
Ritsuko: (looking at the five perfect bulls-eye's) Uh... no.
________________________________________________________________________
[Jared on the same firing range.]
Ritsuko: Line up the targets and pull the trigger... why are you
switching to manual? Jared? Jared, respond.
[But he isn't listening,(48) concentrating intently on the
target in front of him. After a few seconds to line up, he fires
off eight quick shots.]
Ritsuko: Dammit, Jared! WE--... Uh...
[Ritsuko looks at the Lethal Weapon-esque smiley-face on the
target.]
Ritsuko: < 0_0;;; > Right.
________________________________________________________________________
[Andy on the same firing range.]
Ritsuko: Now, just--
[Andy fires off a salvo, emptying the entire clip.... everything
BUT the target is destroyed.]
Ritsuko: Why did you do that?!!
Andy: Well, the target obviously wasn't going to hurt me.(49)
Ritsuko: (eye twitching) And those hills were?!!
Andy: (tries a dramatic hair-toss, but whatever effect it might have had
is lost to the LCL and lack of video comm) Details, details,
details...
________________________________________________________________________
[Later, in the pilot's dressing room.]
Jared: Why did Shinji leave so quickly? I only gave him a few rat
tails.(50)
John: (disgusted tone) You gave him a few red marks on the ass.
Jared: < ^_^ > Now guys, there's no reason to cower on the other side of
the room, is there?
Andy: < -_- > You tell us.
Jared: (frowns) ....
John: That's it, you have to do the paperwork.
Jared: Aw... guys!
John: Don't worry, I have a plan to make this... well, _easy_ isn't the
word I would use...
Jared: Then we have some fun with it.
Andy: Fun?
[Jared begins grinning wickedly.]
Andy: < 0_0; > Fun? Guys?
[John catches Jared's look and begins matching his wicked grin.]
Andy: < 0_0;;; > Guys? I don't like the sound of this. Will someone tell
me what's going on here?!!
[The grins are getting dangerously large and their eyes are
sparkling with _EVIL_ intentions.(51)]
Andy: GUUUUUYS!!!!!!!!!
________________________________________________________________________
[A dark room, location unknown... Ritsuko is strapped to a
table, naked.(52) Jared is leering over her.]
Ritsuko: You'll never get anything out of me.
Jared: (leering) But I don't want anything _out_ of you...
[Jared suddenly disappears from Ritsuko's vision, in time with a
thick 'thud' noise.]
[John puts a tack hammer away.]
John: (shakes a small bottle) These are smelling salts. Read the label.
Ritsuko: (gasps) there's an aphrodisiac in that!
John: Now, give us our own Evas or I leave you in the room with him,
or... Plan B.
Ritsuko: (struggles against the ropes) What's Plan B?
[John dips his fingers in a glass of water and flicks a few
drops on the Doctor's forehead.]
John: < ^_^ > That.
Ritsuko: (growls) Bastard.
John: < -_- > Evas.
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > Never, you'll destroy the world!
John: Before you and Gendo can?
Ritsuko: (moving her eyebrows trying to stop the itching) I don't know
what you're talking about.
John: < ^_^ > Oh, but you do. Don't be coy. Evas, good ones. American
Evas, designed to our specifications.
Ritsuko: < 0_0 > Suppose we did have that kind of Eva. What makes you
think you'll qualify?
John: < ^_^ > We're Americans. We know our own. We just say that we'll
destroy Tokyo-3 every time we go out and they'll gift-wrap them
with a giant red bow.
[Ritsuko screams in frustration. After all, he's right.]
John: < ^_^ > Is that itching, Doctor? I still have Plan A. (shakes the
bottle)
Ritsuko: (spits at John) You'll never break me.
[Her aim is affected by being strapped to the table but her
intent is clear.]
John: This can go on as long it has to. < ^_^ > But remember Jared will
wake up on his own soon.
Ritsuko: (a desperate look in her eyes) I did the tests myself, you're
not crazy, you're sanest person in this damned city! Why are
you doing this?!
John: Andy would say, "We NEED Mecha." But that's not the case. Jared
would say, "Because it's [fun]." But that's not it either.(53) I
guess, that... doing this asserts my sanity, I know I'm sane,
because I know exactly what I'm doing.
[And then he smiled the smile he used in his drugged
interrogation.]
[Ritsuko cracked. She promised Evas, weapons, their own offices,
an apartment next to Misato's, and a paycheck by the hour, and
anything else they wanted if he'd just let her loose. Then she
confessed her soul on everything she'd ever done, some of it
John knew. But other stuff, like the seven times she and Maya
had stayed for a few extra hours of... training, and the time
she got drunk with Misato and they got down on each other, and a
bunch of other names and deeds the ranged from mega-hentai to
super-evil. Needless to say, John felt very dirty as Ritsuko
cleaned her soul on him like a towel. It ended unmercifully
hours later, Jared still wasn't even stirring. But the look on
his face told John he was wide awake and listening in awe.(54)]
John: (finishing the last strap as Ritsuko finally became silent)
Anything else you'd like to add?
Ritsuko: (rubbing her forehead to drive the unbearable itch away) Get
out of my face.
John: (giving Jared a few hard slaps to "wake" him) In due time, just
sign this. (moves a clipboard and a pen to Ritsuko) It's an
agreement that you hold your end of the bargain, and we don't ever
use the water torture again.
[Ritsuko signs it.]
John: Plan A is still viable though.
Jared: < ^_- > Tah! NINJA VANISH!!!
________________________________________________________________________
[Jared strolls into Gendo's office unannounced.]
Jared: Gendo, you seen Ritsuko? She has to sign this thing for Maya.
Gendo: No.
[Jared "accidentally" drops the clipboard and "accidentally"
kicks it under Gendo's desk. A few seconds later it slides
back.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Nice kick. Hey cool, you can write in Ritsuko's
handwriting with your feet! (he tosses the clipboard at Gendo) It
needs your signature too, dude.
[Gendo scribbles his name and throws the board back at Jared
violently.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Well, I gotta get this back to Maya, you two play nice.
[Jared leaves whistling.]
Gendo: Idiot.
Ritsuko: (from under the desk) I'm going to kill that boy.
Gendo: < o_o > Did I order you to stop?(55)
________________________________________________________________________
[The Three Goons are standing at the entrance to Misato's
apartment, looking a little haggard.]
John: (panting) Finally...
Jared: (assumes Dramatic Pose(tm)) We WILL move in with Misato!
John: (smirks) No need to talk, you got the paperwork signed, right?
Jared: < ^_^ > Of course!
John: (Mr-Burns pose) Eeexcellent.
[Jared pulls out triplicate copies. John and Andy start leafing
through their 'contracts.']
Jared: Of course, I added a few extras....
John: (almost drooling) Our own Ferraris?
Jared: Yeah, but it'll take forever for them to get here.
Andy: YES! Custom Evas! Any of you have the specs on Wing Zero from
Gundam Wing?
Jared: Oh please, we don't need to--
Misato: Nani?
[The Three Goons jump, the documents mysteriously
disappearing... to land behind Jared's back in his hands.(56)]
Jared: Nice to see you're home, ma'am.
John: (aside to Andy) We've got to learn Japanese.
Asuka: (icily) What... are you doing here?
Jared: < o_o; > Moving our stuff in.
Asuka: You don't HAVE stuff.
Jared: < ^_^ > Not yet, but we do have credit cards.
[Asuka's glare sharpens.]
Misato: (translated) Where'd you get those?
John: (offhand) All Americans come with credit cards, part of being born
American and all that.
[Misato, upon hearing the translation, blinks. Twice.]
Jared: Heyo! (leans aside to wave to Shinji, who's hiding behind Misato)
Hope we can get to be good roommates!
Misato: (upon hearing the translation) R-r-r-r-roommates?(57)
Jared: (hands over their paperwork) That's what these say.
Misato: (eyes widen in growing horror as she reads the bi-lingual
documents) NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
[Fade out on Misato's terrifying scream and Jared's confidant
leer at a fuming Asuka.]
________________________________________________________________________
[NERV infirmary.]
Jared: I'm just fine. Ow, quit it.(58)
[Jared, John, and Andy are seated on a row of stock plastic
hospital benches known the world over as the most uncomfortable
seating stuffs in existence. Jared is bandaged head to toe,
though he doesn't look to seriously injured. John and Andy are
taking turns poking him in the arm.]
John: You don't sound fine.
Jared: I'm fine. Believe me. (gets poked by Andy) Ow, quit it.
Andy: Can you walk?
Jared: Of course. (gets poked by John) Ow, quit it.
John: I know I wrote most of that contract, but where did you squeeze in
personal automobiles and credit cards?
Jared: Jealous? (gets poked by Andy) Ow, quit it.
Andy: Only if you come up with a better Eva design than mine.
Jared: I _always_ have the better design, you fools! (gets poked by
John) Ow, quit it.
John: You know, you didn't even have a credit card back home.(59)
Jared: Trade secrets, wimps. (gets poked by both John and Andy) [STOP]
THAT!!!
John: Aw, you're no fun.
[Ritsuko walks into the room and takes in the scene, suppressing
a shudder.]
Ritsuko: I'm not going to comment about your luck. The three of you
deserve to die.
Jared: (rips off his bandages in record time and swoons dramatically)
You wound me!
Ritsuko: < 0_0;;; > Riiight. Look, you three have your damn apartment,
and if you can move, you had better get out of my sight.
[There is a long pause as Jared struggles to pull himself to his
feet.]
Ritsuko: Any time now...
[She moves her left arm slightly, the movement causing her
ever-present lab coat to shift and reveal the pistol holstered
under one shoulder. A sudden breeze passes her. She blinks to
find the tiny waiting room empty.]
Ritsuko: Good riddance.
________________________________________________________________________
[A barren apartment meets the Three Goons....]
Jared: (from the floor) This sucks.
John: You can only see the carpet.
[Pull back to see John and Andy staring at the small, empty,
less-than- inspiring domicile the three will be calling home
for... well, until they get bored (or foolishly brave). Jared is
on the floor. He looks like he has been run over by a truck, but
is still quite conscious.]
John: Jared, you did order our AV gear, right?
Jared: (from the floor) On it's way.
John: Furniture?
Jared: (from the floor) That was supposed to be your area.
John: < o_o; > Well, I'm not familiar with Japanese furniture.
Jared: (from the floor; hopeful) Andy?
Andy: (shrugs, then plops down right there on the floor, sitting Indian
style) Sorry.
Jared: Okay. (shakily gets to his feet)
John: Look, you just lie down, I'll take care of the furniture problem.
Jared: I have an idea.
John: That's exactly why you should lie down.(60)
Jared: I'm going to NERV. I'll be back shortly with the solution.
John: (warning tone) Jar--
[Jared is standing over the prone forms of Andy and John,
clenching his hands.(61)]
Jared: (somber tone) I know you two won't approve of what I'm about to
do, so this is for the best. Sweet dreams, and I hope you don't
think any less of me afterwards.(62)
[Then he slumps to his knees and begins clawing his way out of
the apartment.]
________________________________________________________________________
[Jared is on his knees in Ritsuko's office. Whereas earlier he
was on his knees due to extreme pain, he has been brought to
this position by a different motivation.]
Jared: Pleeeeeeeease?
Ritsuko: (backing away in horror) ...
Jared: C'mon. Not for very long, and I promise I'll behave! No cameras,
video or still, of any kind. No one else even has to know. We can
evade NERV security, I've done it before! Please?
Pleeeeeeeeeease?!(63)
Ritsuko: (trying to calm the beast) Look, I can't barely understand you,
but I'm being nice here.
Jared: (hopeful) That means you'll do it?!!
Ritsuko: NO! NO!!! I mean, look, I don't have the time to help you shop
for furniture.
Jared: But Misato's tastes.... well, it leaves something to be desired.
Ritsuko: (starts crying) Why can't you just leave me alone, god damn it!
I haven't slept since you three showed up here! Can't you even
perform the simplist of tasks without begging for some woman's
help?!! (thinking) They're Americans, I shouldn't have said
that.
Jared: (complete with lower lip quivering, signaling the inevitable
flood of tears)But... but...
[The door is suddenly kicked down by John, much to the annoyance
of Andy, who was all for using a rocket or RPG, except that they
had neither and weren't yet prepared to steal one from the
armory.]
John: (thundering Odin(64) voice) STOP RIGHT THERE!!!
Jared: (still on his knees) What?
John: Would you QUIT making this series so dark?!! You know I can't
STAND it when you DO that!
Jared: < -_- > Do you want to try out for a Do-Gooders part now?(65)
John: What?
Ritsuko: (broken English) I think I'll just leave.
Andy: Nonsense. It us who should... (looks at Jared) depart. It is,
after all, your office.
Ritsuko: (pushing past Andy) No, trust me. I have not desire to be here
any longer than necessary!
Andy: (admiring the retreating form of Ritsuko, though he would never
admit it on his life) Hey, that's my line.
Jared: (still on his knees) No, your line is `BOOOOOM!!! Wheee!!!'(66)
Andy: Why you--
John: Andy! STOP!
Andy: (stopping) What is it now?
John: (puts his hands on Andy's shoulders and speaks in his best `listen
carefully' tone) Andy, it's just Eva. It's getting to you--don't
let it conquer your soul.
Jared: (still on his knees) Yeah, that's my bit!
[John and Andy's heads swivel to look at their fellow Goon.]
John: Are you getting up anytime soon?
Jared: (easily back on his feet) No thanks to _you_...
John: (shakes his head) You scared Ritsuko and actually got injured at
Asuka's hands. Terrible, just terrible. You're really not cut out
for this.
Jared: (walking past John, stops) It's Eva. You need me and that's the
<bleep> of it.(67)
John: (growling) He's right, but...
Andy: (shrugging off John's hands and gesturing towards the door and
Jared, who is a ways down the hallway by now) It's time to go.
[John sighs, then follows his friends.]
________________________________________________________________________
John: Well, it's now or never.
[John raises his hand to knock at the door to Misato's
apartment. He is dressed in a light blue polo-style T-shirt and
khakis. Jared is mimicking his style, but with a green shirt,
and Andy is wearing khaki shorts and a Hawaiian patterned shirt
with subdued colors.(68) Behind them, a glorious sunset is just
beginning to simmer over the western horizon of Tokyo-3, casting
long shadows in the ruddy atmosphere.]
Jared: (holding up a small piece of paper(69)) Nice of her to help us.
Andy: You scared the poor woman half to death, you freak. We're lucky
she didn't try to kill us outright.
Jared: John helped her out. Killing me would be like removing one of
John's arms, so she hesitated.
Andy: (looking sideways at Jared) Ran away screaming is what I recall
happening.(70)
John: SHUT UP!!!
Jared: You still haven't knocked yet? (starts chuckling)
Andy: (in a typical display of his reasoning prowess) Huh? what?
[Jared's chuckling gives way to full-blown laughter. Apparently,
he has recovered from his earlier injuries. He's holding his
sides and drops to his knees for the third, different, reason
for that day.(71)]
John: (slightly blushing) It's NOT funny!
Jared: But--hahahaha--so cute--buwahahahaha!!!
Andy: What? I don't get it... guys?(72)
[John finally can't take Jared's insults--gasped out between
whooping, sidesplitting laughter--and tackles the Goon with
intent to maim.]
Andy: (calm) Okay. (knocks on the door)
[Time passes. John and Jared roll around on the ground, Jared
managing to haphazardly dodge everything John is throwing at
him, even when John pins him to the ground and tries to punch
his lights out. Jared continues laughing through the whole
thing. Andy grows a sweat drop waiting for the door to open.]
[Finally, it does, revealing Rei, in her school uniform, and
Asuka, in a light pink summer dress. The former looks at Andy,
then glances at John (who is still holding Jared down but has
stopping trying to kick his ass and has instead settled for
blushing and looking like the cat that fucked the canary) and
Jared before returning her gaze to Andy, who is sweat-dropping
rather heavily. The other girl glares at Andy, glares at John,
then launches an extra hard glare at Jared, who stops laughing,
gulps, and smiles nervously.(73)]
Andy: Okay....
Asuka: (speaking at Andy) What is it now, you maniac?(74)
Andy: Oh, well... I--
[A collage of scenes overlays Andy's vision. The chase after
Ritsuko. The note in the NERV labs from here that Jared and John
read but wouldn't show him. The other two goons insistence he
'dress up' for the evening. Jared's declaration that they would
have furniture TONIGHT (that was how he said it, any way).(75)
And something clicks.(76)]
Andy: Ah. Ms. Sohryu, a pleasure as always. Would you, Shinji, and the
albino chick like to accompany us on a little shopping trip?
Asuka: Hell no.
[The door shuts hard enough to form several wrinkles.(77)]
John: (eye twitching, rising behind Andy with his hands in the shape of
claws) `Albino chick'?!!
Andy: (turns around, then turns pale) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (faints)
Jared: (dusting his shirt off) Now look what you did.
[John is pounding on the door.]
John: Open up, you stuck up anemic bitch!
[Jared clocks John from behind, adjusts an imaginary tie, and
looks at his two unconscious companions before sighing.]
Jared: Why does it always turn out like this?(78)
[The door opens to reveal Misato standing behind it with a very
pissed-off expression on her face and a gun in her hand.(79)]
Jared: (holds his hands up in a placating gesture) Let me explain; I'll
even spare you the rant.
Misato: (probably not understanding) Oh, do tell.(80)
[Asuka appears behind Misato, glares at Jared again, and
translates as the Goons speaks.]
Jared: Our apartment is yet unfurnished. We shall be receiving some
much-needed additions to it shortly, but as of right now, we lack
even the most basic necessities, such as beds. I suspect this is
part of Ritsuko's revenge, but back to the topic at hand, we
don't speak much English, Kaji is nowhere to be found, NERV
doesn't want us dragging off low-clearance personnel, and I'd
rather not sleep on a hard floor tonight. So, if the bea--
(manages to hold himself back) Ms. Sohryu, Ms. Ayanami, and Mr.
Ikari would please accompany us in a short shopping trip, it
would be much appreciated. (to himself) This is hard.(81) I think
I'll let John handle this crap in the future.
[He holds up the note like a peace offering.]
Misato: (translated, folds her arms over her sizeable chest) Why should
I let you?
Jared: (doesn't realize John is rising like a vengeful ghost behind him)
Give you time to, ah... (makes the universal `masturbation' hand
gesture(82))
John: (puts a hand over his eyes to watch Jared punch through the
stratosphere) Nice hang time, Ms. Sohryu.
Asuka: (smoothes her skirt out) Thanks.... um... Worm.
John: (turning to Asuka) Excuse me?
Asuka: Worm. That's what I'll call you.
John: No fair! You call Andy the maniac.
Asuka: (almost goes for a `humpf' but realizes this is more of a `I
don't care' hair-toss moment and executes it flawlessly) He
deserves it.
John: (clenching his fists and crying manly tears of determination;
thinking) Someday, I [WILL] be worthy!(83)
Andy: (awake, out loud) Where am I? Oh. What's going on? (gets up,
ignores John, turns to Asuka) Well?
Asuka: (dramatic hand to forehead) Jared wanted to drag us helpless
women into the vile underworld of Tokyo-3 to ravish our naked
bodies.(84)
[Andy gets a large nosebleed and passes out again. Asuka
smirks.]
John: (coming out of his internal revere, spots the fountain of blood
over Andy) Cripes! (attempting to stop the geyser) Well, are you
guys coming or not?
Asuka: (thinking) Damn, I was hoping he'd forget. (out loud, to Misato)
Misato-san, I think I'll take Wondergirl and Mr. Spineless on a
little shopping trip after all.
Misato: <Japanese> (eyes wide) Are you insane?! You're staying right
here--
Asuka: <Japanese> To watch you get plastered? No thank you. I'll put on
my pervert stompers and get some exercise. Rei can handle
herself. I could care less about Shinji.(85)
Misato: <Japanese> (sighs in resignation) All right, but you take your
cell phones and call if anything happens.
Asuka: <Japanese> Yes ma'am.
John: (failing to follow the rapid-fire Japanese) What? Are we on?
[In the distance, ominously back-lit by the setting sun, Jared
crashes to the ground like a meteorite.]
________________________________________________________________________
[Scene: Tokyo-3's largest furniture store: FURNITURE WORLD.]
[Time: Evening.]
[Characters: More than I care to mention.(86)]
Jared: This one!
John: This one!
Asuka: This one!
Jared: _This_ one!
Andy: [This] one!
Shinji: (aside, to Rei) What are they talking about?
Rei: (to Shinji) something about couches.
Shinji: Hmm...
Asuka: This one!
Jared: THIS ONE!
John: We can't afford that one! Let's take this one!
Jared: That one's ugly!
Shinji: (aside to Rei) Do you think the clerk should be hiding behind
the counter like that?
Rei: (to Shinji) i do not know.
Shinji: Hmm...
Andy: (hefting a kitchen sink over John's head) Take this!
John: Hey, that doesn't fit the--
[Cue smashing noise.(87)]
Jared: You weren't supposed to knock him out. Now _you_ hafta carry this
couch out.
Andy: No I don't.
Jared: (making fists) And why not?
Andy: (taking up fighting stance) Because we aren't getting that one.
Jared: (charging at Andy) That's IT!
Andy: (meeting Jared's charge) Bring it ON!(88)
[John suddenly leaps to his feet between the goons(89), pulling
out a pair of two by fours. Time clicks into John Woo-style slow
motion. He smashes a board into Jared and Andy's faces
simultaneously. Time clicks back to normal, the two by fours
disappear, and Andy and Jared crash to the ground
unceremoniously.]
John: (dusting his hands off) Really. Well, Ms. Bitch?
Asuka: (growling) Yes...
John: Which one do you think we should get?
Asuka: (points) This one. Trust me, it's the only thing that'll look
good.
John: (looking at his pick, then back to Asuka) I'm not carrying that
out of here.
Asuka: Furniture World doesn't--
Clerk: (interrupting) It's FURNITURE WORLD.(90)
Asuka: (dismissive) Right, right, whatever. Any way, they don't deliver
this late at night. You can always wait until tomorrow.
John: Hmm... no couch... (not liking this) Unng... couch...(91)
[Asuka folds her arms and waits patiently. Jared starts to rise,
clutching his head.]
Jared: Okay, I think I'm starting to get used to that...
John: Jared, how much can you carry?
Jared: (reflexively) The world.(92) Why?
John: What about that couch?
Jared: Too heavy. Throw Asuka on it and I might--
John: I don't want to know. Damn! We just need some... some...
Andy: (coming to) Faceless Minions?
John: (light bulb comes on over his head) Exactly! We need... (dramatic
pause) ... need...... (dramatic pause drags on)
Jared: (from aside) Faceless Minions.(93)
John: FACELESS MINIONS!
[Just then, a rumbling begins.... Ah yes, _this_ is where it
goes.(94) In a jumble of limbs, with certain body parts coming
to rest on certain other body parts which causes a beating to
take place, the group rushes to the door of FURNITURE WORLD to
spy an Eva elevator vibrating. As the kids look on, the building
suddenly explodes, spraying Faceless Minion pieces everywhere.
The kids duck back inside the store for cover as the streets are
bathed in Faceless Minion goo.(95)]
John: Eeeeeew.
[But as soon as the cast turns their attention back to the
building, the goo vanishes. The building spews Faceless Minions
forth for several more seconds. These ones are whole and most of
them land, unharmed, on their feet (though a few make a `thud'
noise followed by an `ow!' noise). The Faceless Minions then
start marching towards FURNITURE WORLD like lemmings.]
Jared: Great. _Now_ what?
John: (getting an idea) Wait, this is perfect.
Jared: You have that `I'm a Space Marine' set to your jaw again.(96)
John: Yes. It is PERFECT. We shall use the Faceless Minions to do our
dirty work! BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Andy: (still holding his injured arm(97)) That's what _I_ was going to
suggest.
Jared: But you were knocked out.
Andy: (clenching his hands into fists) If you hadn't started challenging
me...
Jared: (dismissive) It's my sacred duty to challenge and defeat all
weaker foes.(98)
Andy: Weak!
Jared: (folds his arms) Yes, as the crazy, over-powered martial artist
of the bunch, I get to fight whenever I want, wherever I want, as
long as I can advance the plot, and many times when I won't
advance the plot. Hmm...(99)
[Andy starts winding up.]
John: Children...
Andy & Jared: What?
John: Don't make me send these Minions back.
Jared: It's okay, (points at Andy) he's just upset because he's not the
violent one.
John: He is the violent one.
Jared: (shocked) Then what about _me_?!!
Asuka: (can't pass this one up) What about you, pervert?!
Jared: (lights her plans on fire) Eh, hehehehe....
Asuka: Yipe!
John: (head in hands, to the Faceless Minions and the clerk at the same
time) We'll take the one the girl wants.
[After things settle down a bit... and Jared gets a few more
bruises, the group is back on the sidewalks, making their way to
a store to get the only thing FURNITURE WORLD didn't have.]
Jared: Have we done well so far?
John: (brooding) So far.
Jared: (ticking items off on his fingers) We have beds, plus some
shelving and room for future clothing. We have the basic bathroom
amenities, right guys?
Andy: NERV issue, but they'll do for now.
Jared: (continuing) Good. We also have some chairs and (nods to Asuka) a
couch. The dining room table was included with the apartment. I
got the kitchen accessories, and the AV gear is on its way.
John: We're still missing one thing.
Jared: Oh, that.
Andy: What?
John: (to Andy) Don't worry about it.
Andy: Guys?
Jared: (to Andy) Don't worry about it.
Andy: GUYS!
Jared & John: What?
Andy: (hands in fists, classic DBZ power-up pose) What are we
forgetting?
Jared: Coffee maker, dude. John and I need our regular doses of caffeine.
Andy: (drops out of pose) Why?
John: This is Japan, country of world famous workaholics, and NERV is
notorious for--
Jared: (elbowing John) Don't scare the poor boy.
John: Just pointing out the facts.
Jared: Okay, let's try the last place on the list. Once we have the
coffee maker, we get some coffee and then we--
John: (looking haggard) Go home and sleep.
Jared: (mirroring John) Amen.
Andy: (scratching his head) Coffee? Why coffee. We don't need coffee
right now. It kind of strikes me as a finishing touch sort of
thing... (everyone is a ways down the street) Guys! Wait up!
________________________________________________________________________
[Misato's apartment(100). Rei sits quietly out of the way,
drinking a cup of tea, Misato noisily slurps up some instant
ramen, Shinji is sitting at the table doing homework (and trying
to keep Misato's food from doing some of it for him), and Asuka
paces the apartment's only open floor space.]
Asuka: I can't believe those guys. The _nerve_!
Misato: (around a mouthful of noodles) What's wrong with them? Besides
the obvious.
Asuka: The blonde guy wanted a couch that turned into a bed. The psycho
wanted one with a whole bunch of remote controls, and it looked
absolutely _hideous_, and John wanted one with a built-in
entertainment center. Then two of them started arguing over the
stereo equipment and... things got ugly. They couldn't even
decide on a couch! Frankly, I'll be amazed if they can bathe and
dress themselves without trouble.
Misato: Okay. Shinji, how was the trip?
Asuka: (slams her hands down on the table between Misato and Shinji)
Boring and deliriously obnoxious. Ooooh!
Shinji: (looks sideways at Asuka for a minute) Well, they certainly
are... spirited people. (he looks down at his homework) Noisy,
though.
Asuka: (realizes she's being ignored; tries to butt into the
conversation) See?!
Misato: (ignoring Asuka, finishes her noodles and turns to Rei) What did
you think of them, Rei?
Rei: as Ikari says, they're noisy.
Asuka: (under her breath) And hard to understand, and never listen to
me...(101)
Misato: It sounds like you guys had a good time. (the pilots, save Rei,
stare at her) Well, I'm off to bed. Early day tomorrow!
[In the ensuing silence, we hear a loud sneeze from next
door.(102)]
John: (through the wall, in English) How come this place is so dusty?!
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
End Episode 3.
* Arabic numerals are what most Americans are familiar with. I'm not
even sure if numbers have a Kanji equivalent. Go to Japan and you'll
the Yen symbol with Arabic numerals everywhere. Of course, you can't
tell what you're buy without a picture because the description is
usually in Kanji anyhow.
Next Episode: (John voice over; a loud yawn is heard) What?
Jared: (off-set) The preview for episode four, you idiot!
John: (voice over) Huh? Oh, that... umm....
Jared: (off-set) You know, the one you've been keeping secret from us?
John: (voice over) That's because I haven't written it yet!
[A long pause follows.]
Jared: (off-set) We're still on mike.
John: (voice over) The Hell we are.
[The microphone is turned off.]
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
(1) He must mean to say 'yeah, right.'
(2) The bad character, that is.
(3) And we wanted most of our readers to enjoy this story with both
hands on top of the keyboard...
(4) Goons. Get 'em angry and you'll see what I mean.
(5) And a fair bit of the other chapters as well, but that's the nature
of multi-author stories.
(6) They don't do much of this in TGE now do they?
(7) Watching TV that is, not sitting on top of it.
(8) Too many jokes and rants to fit in here. TGE is a parody of general
Evangelion self-insertion fanfiction (and anime self-insertion
fanfiction in general), but isn't exactly protected by copyright.
The 'copyrighting' in this scene is entirely fictional, obviously,
just like our own.(103)
(9) Author Andy is _always_ talking about the idea like he owns it. It
doesn't matter who's idea it is.
(10) Aurther Dunberry, on loan from U.N. forces. Private First Class.
(11) Private First Class, Ohta Takeshi, 182nd.
(12) Seargant Ekichi Izuka, 182nd.(104)
(13) Because, in the figurative sense, we do.
(14) Because Jared was really lazy in writing this and his fellow
authors accepted it sight-unseen. We're clods.
(15) Number 418: Private Sazuki Shishikuna.
(16) He went......... elsewhere!
(17) But God was too busy laughing His ass off to pay attention... which
is a Good Thing.
(18) The tone of the conversation should leave little to the
imagination, given current circumstances.
(19) The Izuka guy from earlier (see 12).
(20) Just guess who he's impersonating....
(21) They have like, a zillion of these in Japan. Post Second Impact
Japan, in Tokyo-3, CDs would be on sale in the wierdest places.
(22) Notice how Important Characters and the JSDF guys get English
punctuation even when speaking Japanese, while bit characters do
not? Good, just making sure you were paying attention.
(23) Except, of course, important details like age and posture.
(24) There is, officially, so such language as "American English." There
are varying levels of conventions that center around the grammer
and word usage of a type of American English, commonly called
International English or US International English. However, there
is an international standard UK English, while no such standard
exists for American English.
(25) That kicks ass. Tell me that doesn't kick ass.
(26) Yes, he is a moron.
(27) He stopped looking at the street signs after about five seconds and
instead was scanning the area for hot Japanese chicks, so he really
didn't have a clue what he was talking about.
(28) 'The Fourth Wall' roughly refers to the author and the 'real world'
which he/she/they inhabit.
(29) Notice how these scenes begin with someone talking and not a scene
description? Good, you were paying attention. Please continue;
there will be a test.
(30) Lamest. Excuse. Ever.
(31) Lamest. Scene. Ever.
(32) And now (sadly) you know the rest of the story.
(33) Intense! Counting! Action!
(34) More! Intense! Counting! Action!
(35) Area 32-F, subsection B. Not the exact catwalk shown in Episode 1,
but erriely similar in appearance.
(36) Here's the important part. Mark his words, people.
(37) Accurate explanation, but lacking common sense here.
(38) Brick to the face was made disgustingly famous during the Los
Angeles riots.
(39) Almost as if the author actually has a Plot (gasp!) This will have
some importance later on.
(40) This blank space is intentional.
(41) So far, this is the only place where 'Three Goons' appears in the
text, quotes and all, when refering directly to the three actual
people known as goons.
(42) "Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles," see information in Episode 1.
(43) He's not stretching out like the Master, just stretching like he
_expects_ to _spar_ with the Master. Just wanted to be perfectly
clear on that group.
(44) You, you in the back. Yes you. Did you not see this coming?
(45) A nameless, inarticulate flailing of limbs that utterly lacks so
much style that readers shall be spared detailed description of it.
(46) We should call him 'Mr. One Track Mind.'
(47) OH MY GOD! TWO SCENE DESCRIPTIONS OPENING IN A ROW! Just thought
you should know.
(48) Actually, he is listening. However, he is not answering.
(49) Behold, a world were Andy makes sense.
(50) How's that for a first in Evangelion self-insert fanfiction?
(51) Read the next scene and you'll instantly know what this look is
supposed to be.
(52) The details of how Ristuko came to be in this position will be left
solely to the reader's imagination. The details of why she's here
will become apparent soon....
(53) Actually, its possible that Andy and Jared vowed to beat John
within an inch of his life for every five minutes he spent _not_
working on the doctor.
(54) We call this Character Development. ^_^
(55) Pray this is as low as we stoop.
(56) Just when you think they're your friends....
(57) Actually, that should be 'neighbors' but the goons, in case you
haven't noticed, like to mess with people.
(58) The remainder of this scene is stolen, in part, from The
Simpsons.(105)
(59) Credit cards suck. Don't believe me? Look at the credit statistics
of the United States.
(60) John has a good point here.
(61) So fast, even the readers couldn't see him move!
(62) Paraphrased, very, VERY loosely, from Ed Harris' lines in the
graveyard near the beginning of 'The Rock.'
(63) Any guesses as to what Jared is asking for are sure to be both
inaccurate and humorus.
(64) Norse god. Found in FFVII along with numerous other fantasy games.
A powerful and imposing warrior is what this one is modeled after,
indeed, directly modeled from the appearance of Odin in FFVII.
(65) John's preceding sentence, with words irregularly presented in full
caps (indicating irregular stressing when spoken), was first seen
by the authors in a improfanfic work titled 'Do-Gooders.' Its quite
good and worth a read.
(66) Too true. You'll see why in coming episodes.
(67) WARNING! WARNING! Evidence of Plot!
(68) Henceforth refered to as "Andy's standard uniform."
(69) The writing on this paper is kanji script, hastily scawled on by
someone in a big hurry. None of the goons can read it, so the
writing could say virtually anything, but the basic meaning is that
Ritsuko has sent the goons on a shopping trip, and its okay to take
the pilots with them.(106)
(70) Well, she wasn't exactly screaming.(107)
(71) A laugh that brings you to your knees... now there's a thought.
(72) John and Jared do shit like this to Andy all the time in real life.
(73) Personally, I'm amazed the cry of denial "This isn't what it look
like!" is not heard at this point.
(74) He's a maniac MANIAC! Dancing like he's never danced before! ...
What?(108)
(75) All that stuff was in here too? Where? Did I miss something?!!(109)
(76) Don't worry; its just the gears in his head are slipping.
(77) We're still trying to figure out how she did that. The doors are
motorized and computer controlled. They don't 'slam' shut.
(78) It doesn't, but frequently it should.
(79) Whoa, Linda Hamilton action movie flashbacks!
(80) This alone proves that people do sometimes think along the same
lines--although only when someone like a hostage negotiator is
needed.
(81) This _is_ hard.
(82) From informative and eloquent to base moron in 2.2 seconds!
(83) Perhaps Jared hit the wrong spot when he knocked out John....
(84) It is possible (though not likely) that Asuka has more in common
with Jared than meets the eye.
(85) The last is said with a noticeable degree of defensiveness.
(86) And all of them pointing wildly.
(87) This is the first time we've used the kitchen sink.(110)
(88) Yet another DBZ reference.
(89) Ceramic dust still in his hair.
(90) Yeah, just like that, all caps.
(91) You can hear the hampster tiring.
(92) And it seems like I do, most of the time....
(93) This is from a movie, I know it is. But which one...
(94) See, it is used! It is important!
(95) If you think this is gross, wait until the End of Three Goons in
Eva is released....
(96) Thank you, Illiad.
(97) The Common DBZ Injury: Even after being kicked though a mountain of
solid granite, a tough fighter will only have a slightly bruised
right arm, which is then held by the left arm as if it's useless.
(98) True.
(99) Also true. And very scary.(111)
(100) Some hours later.
(101) Somebody stop her! She could go on for days!!!
(102) Which may or may not be important in coming Plots.
(103) Yeah, right.
(104) Yes, he is number three thousand, one hundred and ninety-six in
our list.(112)
(105) Thank you, Mr. Growing, and we are sorry.(113)
(106) Now, this implies that a massive JSDF contingent is accompanying
them.(114)
(107) Not while the goons were within ear-shot, anyway.
(108) Thank you Chris Farley.
(109) No. This is more expedient than having a half-dozen extra scenes
doing a Ritsuko chase.(115)
(110) Yes Alice(116), that does mean we'll use it again... and again...
and again....
(111) But not terribly important at the moment.
(112) No, you can't see our list.
(113) See episode 1 for reference.
(114) On a side note, they could have ordered up some furniture when
they had the good doctor naked and at their mercy, had they known
that their new domicile would come with nothing more than bare
floors and counters....
(115) Hmm....
(116) She's fast becoming our mascot for this project.
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Ver 1.0 Jul 6, 2001
Ver 1.1 Dec 6, 2002
Ver 1.2 Dec 15, 2002
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