Post #32883 4/29/02
Melanie, Janice, Laurie, M-A

Vecchio: I can't believe you put that in your mouth!
Fraser: Jell-O? Why not, Ray?
Vecchio: Knowing you, it's probably stewed seaweed.
Welsh: Leave it alone, Detective. The citizens of Chicago are not paying you to investigate the contents of the constable's Tupperware.
Fraser: May I have a word with you, Leftenant? [Looking pointedly at Ray] In private? It's a matter of some urgency.
Welsh: No.
Fraser: Oh. [surprised] Perhaps I can make an appointment?
Welsh: Perhaps. Last time you wanted a word with me, I didn't
understand a word you said.
Fraser: Quite, true, Lieutenant. I'm afraid I couldn't tell you the *real* reason I was blithering.
Welsh: Real reason? Fraser, you *could* have told me you were going to commit a crime!
Fraser: Surely I couldn't have, Lieutenant. You would have been obligated to stop me.
Welsh: True enough. Okay, my office.
[they move to Welsh's office, leaving Ray puzzled]
Welsh [continued]: Uniform problems? Thatcher problems? Vecchio problems?
Fraser: Vecchio problems?
Welsh: Well, you told him to stay outside.
Fraser [deflecting]: Xeranthemums, sir.
Welsh: You mean the flowers I bought Dr. Pearson? What's the problem?
Fraser: Zinnias would have been a preferable choice, considering the reason you were offering them to Dr. Pearson.
Ray [eavesdropping]: And when did the citizens of Chicago start paying you for discussing Pearson's taste in flowers?
Welsh: Butt out, Detective. This is a private conversation.
Vecchio to Fraser, as he stalks off: Call a cab to take you back to the consulate! I'm not carting you around anymore.
Fraser: Do you think he suspects anything?
Welsh: Even Jeanne Dixon wouldn't see this coming.
Fraser: Frankly, I'm surprised he's not suspicious...
Welsh: Given that his sister is working here now...
Fraser: He should know that we'd be having a big birthday dinner for him.
Vecchio: I HEARD THAT!!!

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]


Francesca: Elaine!
Elaine: Frannie!
Francesca: Good God, woman--what the hell happened to you?
Elaine: Help!
Francesca: I... I don't think so... Ewwwwww!
Elaine: Just shoot it! Kill it!
Francesca: Kill it? With this? It's a water pistol!
Elaine: Let it have it! Please!
Francesca: Moose? I can't kill a moose with a water pistol, that's insane!
Fraser: Now, Elaine, you know that it's not moose season in Illinois, and even if moose were legal game animals in the Greater Chicago area, a water pistol won't do anything but irritate the animal further.
Elaine: Oh for god's sake, Fraser, just keep it from killing me!!!
Fraser: Perhaps if I attempt to lure it away by imitating the call of the female of the species. . . .
Francesca: Quit talking like that Fraser, I don't want it to get you! Who knows what it might do to you with all those horn thingies.
Fraser: Relax, Francesca. I'm a trained professional. I know what I'm doing, and I have won contests with my calls.
Elaine: Shut up, Fraser, and just get me out of here!
Ray: Try to control yourself, Frannie.
Francesca: Up yours, Ray!
Fraser: Voices raised will upset the..oh dear...Run!
Francesca: Wait for me. Eeeeeeeeekkkkkk.
Fraser: Xenophobic terror will not calm the situation, Francesca.
Francesca: You just make that mating call buster 'cause that's the only piece of tail you'll ever get from now on.
Ray: Zippidy do dah. Fraser has escaped hurricane Frannie. Yipee.
Elaine: Any time now, Fraser!
Fraser: Baaaaarrrrrroooooooo! Ba-ba-ba-baaaaarrrrrroooooooooo!
Ray: Christ on a bike, Fraser! Bust my eardrums, will ya?
Frannie: Don't listen to him, Fraze. It's working! He's turning!
Moose: (Even though he doesn't look like a moose, he sure is pretty--and he sings heavenly. I think I'm in looooooove!)

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]
The following were reposted by Laurie in posts: 33329, 33330, 33331 in Ride Forever [not the NewRideForever]

FICLET 1:

(Thatcher and Turnbull are discussing Consulate paperwork)
Thatcher: Turnbull, have you finished the 4039B forms for the month?
Turnbull: Unfortunately, I've not seen them.
Thatcher: Very interesting, considering I handed them to you a week ago.
Turnbull: Wow! I don't remember that.
Thatcher: Xerox copies are on my desk, if you've lost the originals.
Turnbull: You shouldn't really call them "Xerox" copies, Inspector, as "Xerox" is a registered trademark and our photocopier is--
Thatcher: Zealand, New Brunswick has an opening for a constable, Constable. Are you bucking for a transfer, or do you just enjoy getting on my nerves?
Turnbull: --a Canon. Transfer, sir?
Thatcher: Before the new duty roster has been posted.
Turnbull: Constable Fraser has already finished the duty roster. Shall I ask him to see you about revisions, Sir?
Thatcher: Don't tempt me, Constable. Just finish the reports, before I change my mind.
Turnbull: Enough said.
Thatcher: First, tell Constable Fraser to step into my office.
Turnbull: Gladly. As soon as Det. Vecchio returns him to the Consulate. They're still at the hospital.
Thatcher: Hospital?!
Turnbull: In Joliet, sir
Thatcher: Joliet, the prison? Or Joliet the city?
Turnbull: Knowledge I'm not privy to sir, but. . .
Thatcher: Lot of good you are.
Turnbull: May I make a suggestion, sir?
Thatcher: Never mind, Turnbull.
Turnbull: Only if you say so, sir.
Thatcher: Please close the door on your way out -- and you'll let me know as soon as you hear from Fraser?
Turnbull: Quite right, sir.
Thatcher: Right. Dismissed.
(Turnbull salutes)
((((((SLAM))))))) [door falls off it's hinges as Turnbull closes it!
The two of them stare at each other in shock for a long moment}
Unison: Termites....!

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]

FICLET 2:
(Fraser is trying to get RayV interested in a case)
Fraser: Good morning, Ray! How are you today?
Ray: Hello Benny, I'm quite busy, and the answer is "no."
Fraser: I didn't ask for anything!
Ray: Just a matter of time, Benny, just a matter of time. What kind of moving vehicle are you gonna be climbing on this time?
Fraser: Kayaks, Ray.
Ray: Lord help me.
Fraser: Mostly, but also planes and possibly horses.
Ray: Not on your life! Last time the plane crashed and we went over a waterfall on a raft.
Fraser: Oh dear. I was hoping you had forgotten about that. However, we wouldn't be going to Canada, Ray.
Ray: Peru, perhaps.
Fraser: Quit being silly, Ray
Ray: Romania?
Ben: {Stares irritably...}
Ray: Tell me this: Am I likely to ruin another Armani suit?
Ben: Unlikely, as we'll be undercover in a marching band.
Ray: Very funny!
Ben: Would you happen know how to play any percussion instruments? A glockenspiel, for example, or a--
Ray: Xylophone? I had a toy xylophone when I was a kid and I was pretty good.
Ben: Yes? Is that a yes, Ray?
Ray: Zither away.
Ben: As you wish.
Ray: Benny, are you at least going to tell me where we're going?
Ben: Carlsbad Caverns National Park. Our plane leaves in (studies watch) 3 hours, 7 minutes.
Ray: Do you really think Lt. Welsh is gonna give me time off so I can go kayaking through Carlsbad with my xylophone?
Ben: Evidently, he has already granted your request for time off.
Welsh: Fraser's right, Vecchio. The Carlsbad Marching Band Gang is wanted in seventeen states and four provinces.
Ray: God is gonna get you for this, Benny. Mark my words!

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]

FICLET 3:
(Fraser and Ray K are having another Call of the Wild campfire conversation)
Ray: Fraser, you said you felt like an urban explorer when you first came to Chicago.
Fraser: Getting around in a strange city isn't easy.
Ray: Hell, getting around here on snowshoes isn't easy either.
Fraser: Indeed. Well, now you're an explorer, Ray. Welcome to my planet.
Ray: Just don't let me explore the bottoms of any more ice crevasses, okay?
Fraser: Keep your eyes open and your wits about you, and you'll be able to avoid them in the future.
Ray: Listen! What was that?
Fraser: My God, Ray. It's Francesca Vecchio! What are the odds?
Ray: No, no, no!!!
Fraser: Oh yes, Ray. You can run, but you can't hide.
Frannie: Pardon me, Fraze. Can I speak to Ray in private please?
Fraser: Quixotic, Francesca, you are so quixotic.
Frannie: Really, Frase! I didn't come all the way up here to be insulted!
Ray: Sit on it Frannie.
Frannie: That really makes me mad, Ray! Here I am, struggling through this snow, trying to find you to tell you--
Ray: Under no circumstances are we interested in hearing your tall tales, Frannie.
Fraser: Veracity is important.
Ray: We were having a nice, private fireside conversation, and here you are on a mission to prove that you're some kinda Warrior Princess, some kinda Gina--
Frannie: --Xena!
Fraser: You have a message for us?
Frannie: Zoltan Motherwell has escaped from the looney bin!
Ray: And this is what you wanted to speak to me in private about?
Frannie, this is about Fraser and your REAL brother. I'm not going to get nearly blown up or drowned again because of some insane arsonist artist.
Fraser: Best if we get some sleep now. We can figure this out in the morning. I don't think Mr. Motherwell will be looking for us here.
Frannie: Could I share your sleeping bag, Frase? I didn't bring mine.
Ray: Do I look clueless to you? I know exactly what you're up to.
Frannie: Everybody knows what I'm up to, Ray. I think I've made my intentions completely obvious.
Fraser: Francesca, you may have my sleeping bag. I'll share with Ray.

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]

FICLET 4:

Kowalski: Pitter patter, let's get at 'er, Fraser.
Fraser: Quite right, Ray. We shouldn't be late for the. . .
Kowalski: Reception. Fraser, I don't know how you get me into these. . .
Fraser: Situations? I wouldn't think escorting Miss America would be called a. . .
Vecchio: Travesty! I mean, look at that hair? I can't wait--
Kowalski: Until you shut up, Vecchio! You want to be the target of all those cameras, and a possible assassin, be my--
Welsh: Vecchio! Get out here! You're supposed to be--
Vecchio: With the people from the movie "Traffic" at the--
Welsh: Xanadu hotel. And don't forget--
Kowalski: You get to escort Catherine--
Vecchio: Zeta Jones. Yeah, I know.
Francesca: And keep your hands to yourself, Ray. She's married!
Vecchio: Butt out, Frannie!
Huey: Can somebody explain to me why Kowalski gets assigned to Miss America, and Vecchio gets Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Dewey and I get assigned to the second assistant gaffer?
Vecchio: Dem's the breaks, Jack.
Welsh: Everybody stop grousing and get to your assigned venues!
Kowalski: Fraser! Come on, we're gonna be late! Where is he?
Welsh: GTO. Waiting for you. Now move! Francesca!
Francesca: Harding, Sir, you don't have to yell! I'm not deaf!
Dief: * I can't hear myself think. It's a zoo in here! *
Vecchio: Just everyone get a hold of themselves!! That's right!
Everyone grab something. [He looks around to confirm everyone is clutching a self-body part] Fine! Now listen to me!!
Francesca: Know what I think, brother dearest? You're NUTS!
Fraser: Let the man talk, please, Francesca.
Francesca: Mounties have no jurisdiction here, Fraser.
Fraser: Naturally. But I would like to hear what he has to say. It could be - interesting, to say the least.
Francesca: Oh, that's just great! You couldn't stay in the car, you had to come back in here and stick your two pennies in.
Welsh: Plans have changed, people. Listen up. I will be escorting Miss America AND Ms. Zeta-Jones. Now, if you will excuse me,
my limo awaits.

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]

ALTERNATE FICLET 4:

Kowalski: Pitter patter, let's get at 'er, Fraser.
Fraser: Quite right, Ray. We shouldn't be late for the...
Kowalski: Reception. Fraser, I don't know how you get me into these...
Fraser: Situations? I wouldn't think escorting Miss America would be
called a...
Vecchio: Travesty! I mean, look at that hair? I can't wait--
Kowalski: Until you shut up, Vecchio! You want to be the target of all those cameras, and a possible assassin, be my--
Welsh: Vecchio! Get out here! You're supposed to be--
Vecchio: --with Huey and Dewey down at the emergency room. Don't worry, Lieutenant, they just have cuts and bruises.
Frannie: [hangs up phone] X-rays came back negative! They're gonna be fine.
Welsh: Yesterday you told me you had the bomber in custody! Now I got two people in the hospital, three wounded chimpanzees in the new Great Apes Center, and the mayor, the governor, and the president of the Miss America Pageant burning up my phone line demanding to know whether they should cancel the event! I want a straight answer, detectives. Should we cancel the event?
Kowalski: Zoos open new exhibits all the time. Why d'they gotta bring in a beauty queen to dedicate a new monkey house?
Welsh: Apes are not monkeys, Ray. I thought we'd gone over that.
Fraser: But they both are primates, Leftenant, and their physical similarities can cause confusion--
Kowalski: Can it, Fraser. I don't need you defending what I said. You know what I mean.
Fraser: Don't misunderstand, Ray, I know you weren't insulting apes when you referred to them as monkeys--
Welsh: Enough! Shut up, both of you!
Fraser: Forgive me, Leftenant, but I cannot allow you to perpetuate your misunderstanding between the various species of primates. As a matter of--
Kowalski: --Geez, Fraser! Can the freakin' anthro..somethin'..somethin..
Fraser: Homo sapiens origin, Ray? Anthropologically speaking, of course?
Welsh: I seem to recall asking both of you to shut up.
Frannie: Jack Huey says the bomber is a member of a secret New Zealand terrorist network.
Vecchio: Kiwi terrorists? What is this world coming to?
Fraser: Leftenant, has anyone determined who the leaders of the group are?
Kowalski: My guess is the bomber doesn't even know.
Welsh: No, we don't know anything about them, except their code names are Sass, Cat and Zeb.
Vecchio: Oh, great, these guys are gonna be real easy to trace with names like that.
Fraser: Personally, I think we're dealing with young women. There are only two, not three as they would like us to believe, and they're sisters.

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]

FICLET 5:

(Reverse-Inuit Alphabet Game)
Yes, Benton and Ray and Ray, professors teaching "Mythology 101", are telling stories about the world of DS to a group of incredulous young RCMP recruits.

Fraser: Every civilization has its own mythology; stories with meanings passed down
RayK: From one generation to the next
RayV: Good example; Chicago has this one about a superhuman Mountie visitor
Fraser: He worked with Chicago's police to solve thousands of cases.
RayK: (I - ah - I don't think it was 'thousands', Frase.)
RayV: Justice and Duty were his middle name. (Cool it, Kowalski! This is supposed to be the stuff of ledgens. You can't have ledgens without exaggerating the facts!)
Fraser: Killers, mobsters, kidnappers... trembled at the sound of his name. (You know, most legends, even urban legends, have their basis in fact. Kowalski may have a point. Perhaps if we were to simply relate the truth, without such colorful--)
RayV: (--Like they're going to believe that? Jumping on speeding vans, parachuting from rooftops via a tarp, hearing a kidnapping, using fire extinguishes to escape a sinking ship? Do you want me to go on?) His exploits are too many too name!
RayK: Mounties everywhere celebrate his birthday. (I don't have to mention that you were born on Canada Day, do I?)
Fraser: Nunavut has even declared it a legal holiday, as Super Mountie is said to have hailed from the Yukon and Northwest Territories.
RayK: Of course, he would have been nothing without Chicago's two best detectives, who actually helped mold him into the legend he is today.
RayV: Possibly, though he's supposed to have had a mentor.
Fraser: Quinn
RayK: Right, who took him under his wing and taught him how to spot clues from, get this, tasting and sniffing stuff like mud and animal droppings.
RayV: Shit?
Fraser: That's right, although I-- I mean, he--would prefer to call it "scat."
RayV: Ultimately, though, these stories always come back to the partnership between "Super Mountie" and his Chicago PD partner -
RayK: Vecchio. Also known as Kowalski, thus adding another layer of mythology to the stories -
Fraser: Which don't bear exploring at this juncture.
Fraser: Xenophobic Americans seemed to resent this foreign hero.
RayV: Yes, but with an almost. . .
RayK: Zen-like relationship they complimented each other.
Fraser: American detectives and Canadian Mounties united!
RayV: Brothers in all but blood!
RayK: Crime fighters they come together with the Mountie in bright red at the lead.
Fraser: Daring to do the impossible for how long?
All: Evermore!

Post #27968 1/21/02
[Melanie, Janice, Christi, Laurie, Marian]

FICLET 6:

(The Mugging)

Ray: This is unbelievable, Fraser. You were mugged? Other people get mugged. You don't get mugged. You're kiddin' me, right?
Fraser: Unfortunately, no. Believe me, Ray, *I'm* having a difficult time believing it. However, I know who it was. I didn't recognize him at first but when he told me to take the money out of my Stetson, I knew immediately. I was stunned, to say the least, and he was able to get away before I could collect my wits.
Ray: Very weird. How would anyone know you keep money there?
I mean, who keeps their money in a hat? Who would know that about you?
Fraser [looking very downcast]: Willie Lambert. He's changed, Ray. I had such high hopes for him and when I told him it wasn't too soon to start a college fund, this wasn't what I had in mind.
Ray: Xeres I and you have a lot in common, you know that? You both have a hell of a lot of victories, but, eventually, you both wind up *dead*.
Fraser: You know about Xeres I?!
Ray: Zedekiah... you remind me of him, too. You see, you keep trying to fight crime and you'll wind up like him!
Fraser: All right! All right! I get your point, Ray!
Ray: But, I know, I know, no sense trying to talk sense *into* you.
Fraser: Can't you please let bygones be bygones, Ray? I mean, I just got mugged!
Ray: Don't try to pretend you didn't ask for it, what with you giving Willy ideas and all!
Fraser: Every keeps telling me that it's my fault. Even your sister seems to have joined the fray.
Ray: Frannie said that? I can't believe it. She worships the ground you walk on. She'd never dis you.
Fraser: Go tell her that. She was just. . .
Ray: Hostile?
Fraser: I think that's a good word for it.
Ray: Just relax Fraser. Frannie will come around and you know you've got the full backing of the Chicago Police department. We'll catch Willie for you.
Fraser: Keep in mind, Ray, he's still a child.
Ray: Listen to yourself, would you? He's seventeen, for God's sake, and he mugged you! 'Just a child. . . .'
Fraser: Maybe he had some strong, compelling need for the money. . . .
Ray: Naturally! Let's find that little scalawag and make him apologize. We can suspend his allowance and ground him for two weeks.
Fraser: Oh don't be silly, Ray. But there's something else you should know--Diefenbaker went with him.
Ray: Perfect! He took your money AND your wolf. I don't suppose we can depend on Dief to help with the arrest?
Fraser: Quite unlikely. Diefenbaker associates Willie with food; that's a very strong bond for a wolf. As long as Willie keeps a supply of dog biscuits on hand, Dief will remain very protective of him.
Ray: Right. And if he supplies the wolf with peanut butter cups and Ding-Dongs?
Fraser: Snack food in large quantities could very well be enough to lure Dief into a life of crime.
Ray: Take a back seat, Bonnie & Clyde--now we got Willie & Dief!

Post #6053 3/4/04
[Janice, Kali, Ellen, Laurie]
"Jumping Jehosaphat, Ray. This is totally unnecessary," Ben exclaimed.
"Kosher or not," Frannie chimed in, "it's important."
"Look-it, Fraser, it's just something we wacky Americans are taught to do at our mother's knee." Ray was getting peevish.
Kali wrote:
"My grandmother taught me," Jack contradicted as he walked by.
"Nana taught you?" Frannie questioned.
"Of course."
"Perhaps that's because he was raised by his grandmother," Fraser explained.
"Quite possibly," Ray agreed
Laurie wrote:
"Really, it doesn't matter who taught you as long as you learned," Elaine added as she joined the group.
"Someone tell me what's going on around here and why no work seems to be getting done," inquired Lt. Welsh.
Thinking he finally had a way out, Fraser waited expectantly for the lieutenant to disperse the growing crowd.
Ellen adds:
Unknown to the dispersing crowd, a predator was watching with wry amusement.
Victoria lurked behind the closed door of an interrogation room listening to everything the Mountie had to say.
"Wait, Benny. Don't leave. I have a bad feeling about this situation now." Ray proclaimed as Fraser leaves the area.
"X-ray vision, Ray? Is that what you think you have? How can you know something is going to happen today?" Fraser turns and asks his friend with aggravation.
"Yes. I can see the future. And you get shot." Ray yells back sarcastically.
"Zero confidence in my abilities makes me feel sad, Ray." And Fraser dashes away from Ray straight in to the room where the deranged Victoria awaits with her poised gun in hand.
"Any last words?" she asked as he stood frozen in shock. He could only shake his head in bewilderment as he searched for something to say. She took it for a 'no' and shrugged. "You never were a man of many words."
(((BANG!!!)))
Clutching his hat as he half spun to dodge the bullet, he felt a cool breeze through his hair and realized what had happened as the door of the Interragation room was practially torn off it's hinges as Ray burst through.
"Don't do it!," Fraser shouted; unsure at Victoria or Ray, when the woman whirled around, her finger pressing against the trigger.

At the last minute Dief zipped
unseen and quietly into the room. He ran up to the zaftig brunette and hurled himself toward her. Even as he charged the wolf-canine growled deeply and fastened his muzzle into
Victoria's pale neck. The jugular pulsed orgasmically and then the
woman keeled over with Dief still attached. The
xerox machine hummed in the background.
Yelling was heard in the squadroom.
"'Zwounds" shouted Fraser, lapsing into Shakespearean language, so shocked he was at that close call.
"As long as Dief's okay," he continued.
Breathing hard, the Mountie ran over to his wolf friend.
Callously he thrust aside the carcass of the evil Victoria.
"Death's too good for her," he pontificated.
"Everything she got, she deserves," Ray agreed.
"Fine. Dief's fine," Fraser said after examining his wolf thoroughly.
"God be thanked," whispered Francesca.
"He certainly will be," her mother said, popping in quite without any particular reason.
"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't pop into the station without a particular reason," Ray groused.
"Just checking on you, caro." the old lady said.
"Kids, they never appreciate you," she said, and promptly popped away again.