Mountie Car(ma)
By: Janice R. Sager
Ready to go home, Ray?
You know it, Frannie. I've been cooped up in the hospital long enough. Do I 'have' to use a wheelchair?
Hospital regulations, sir.
Yeah, yeah, buearucratic nonsense. I don't' need the damn thing and besides, my doctor said I was suppsoed walk.
For exercise, Ray. Sheesh! The longer you argue, the longer we'll be here.
Whatever. (Ray sits and they head out) I don't suppose you brought the Riv, did you? God I missed that car. I mean, riding in the back of a limo is nice and all, but I'll take my little beauty over a land barge anyday. Tony been keeping it tuned and everything like I asked him too?
Ah...
Frannie?
Ah...
Frannie?!
Ah, well...?
Stop the chair! I said stop the chair!
Ray, you're not supposed to get excited or anything...
Excited? Do I look excited Frannie? Do I sound excited? This is not excited, alright? This is concerned. This is very concerned. I left specific orders concerning that car. Didn't I? --Didn't I, Frannie?
Ah, yeah...
So, if those orders were followed, my car should be sitting at home, up on blocks and under a tarp with the appearence of being worked on. Appearence I say, because I only gave my replacement permission to drive it for 'one week'. One! And I told him to be careful. And that as soon as Benny got back from vacation that he was to tell everyone the transmission blew up and that he was having trouble getting replacement parts. Isn't that what I said, Frannie? Isn't that what I told you and Tony and Maria and Welsh?
Ah, yeah...
Yeah, that's what I said. And was it passed on? Was Kowalski made aware of my very specific not-open-for-discussion instructions?
Ray, you're getting upset...
No. No, I'm very carefully 'not' getting upset here. I'm very carefully keeping myself very calm here, because if I didn't keep myself very calm here I might just revert to being Armando Langustini. Armondo Langustini is not a nice man when he is upset. Armando Langustini is a very dangerous man when he is upset. But Armando Langustini is dead, and I want him to stay that way. I'm back to being Ray Vecchio, who is someone I like. So I'm staying calm. See? Perfectly calm. --Concerned, but calm. --Why do I have this really bad feeling that my car is not sitting at home up on blocks like I instructed?
Ray...
Fraser blew it up again, didn't he? Fraser and that stuck-my-finger-in-a-light-socket-and-liked-it replacement of mine, blew it up again, didn't they?
Not-- exactly.
Not exactly? We're talking Fraser and the Riv here, Frannie. I should have known not to allow him anywhere near it while I was gone. Letting Kowalski drive it was a calculated risk, but letting Fraser loose with his supernatural-Riv-destroying-powers anywhere around it when I wasn't there to protect it-- How many pieces is it in, Frannie? Just tell me that, how many pieces? Could they even be counted?
One.
One? It's actually in one piece? They didn't blow it up?!
No.
No - but you're still not wanting me to get upset. One piece? –Maybe one very large, crushed car at the metal recycling yard piece, is that it?
No, Ray. It wasn't crushed.
It wasn't crushed? This is good news. Are you going to tell me it is actually repairable? That would be a miracle around Benny given his history around the Riv, so I-- It's not, is it? It's not repairable.
I doubt it.
Doubt it? Doubt it? How can you 'doubt it'? Either it is or it isn't.
I don't know anything about cars, Ray! I guess it might be, if you could dredge it up out of the muck and stuff at the bottom of the lake.
The lake?
Ah...
Let me guess. It was on fire, right? And they thought it was going to explode, right? Of course they thought it was going to explode. Benny was in it wasn't he. And the only way to save 'innocent lives' was to extinguish it by driving it off a pier somewhere, right? --How close am I?
Ah...
How close?!
Close.
How close?
Pier 49.
Pier 49. Right. Irrepairable, Frannie; definitely, irrepairable. (Looking back at nurse) We can continue now. --Frannie, when we get home I want you to do me a favor.
I am not going to arrange a hit on Fraser for you.
Tempting, but no. I want you to call the airlines and book me a flight down to Florida. I need to put a little distance between myself and Benny when I -ah- call him about this.
He's in the Yukon, Ray.
Too close, Frannie: Far too close. --Did Kowalski at least file the insurance forms? Maybe I can find a replacement down in Florida.
Um... Well, um, he tried, but--
Uh huh. Right. Lets see if I've got this right: No Riv. No insurance money. Right? Of course. Benny I can understand. He can't help it. He has this car karma thing. I know that. But Kowalski... I wonder if Stella would get upset if I put a contract out on her ex?
***
The end.
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