The End of Innocence
by M-A
'Then'
Ray said a goodbye that wasn't even acknowledged. He placed a hand on the too thin shoulder, then crossed the room, turning back for a last glance.
The dark haired man dressed in loose beige pyjamas and a light blue bathrobe starred out the hospital window, not really seeing anything at all.
'Now'
"Vecchio," Ray said the minute he'd managed to pick up his phone as he was juggling fourteen thick files and something that was passing off as a cup of coffee.
"Detective Vecchio, this is Dr. Caroline Holder. I'm calling about Benton."
Ray dropped everything. Literally. "What about Benny?" He didn't even notice the coffee that was running down the side of the desk and onto his Armani slacks.
"He spoke today. Not much," she added quickly. "But what he said was important. He said 'no'."
"No?"
"No as in I told him to eat his vegetables and he refused."
Ray had to laugh. "You're kidding me, right? First time Benny speaks in over a year and he refuses to eat his vegetables? Oh, man, I'm relieved. He's going to be okay."
"That's what I think." Ray could hear her smiling. "You know that I think that Benton's wounds run deeper than his abduction, Detective--"
"Ray."
"Ray. That's why his recovery is taking so long. His abduction was just a catalyst--for the loss of his mother, his father's murder, and what happened with his lover. In time, this will have done him good, I think. I know you might not believe it now, but this breakdown could have been the best thing to have happened to your friend."
"I think I can see where you're coming at. I miss him..."
"I know you do. Will you be coming down Saturday as scheduled?"
"Could I come earlier? I'm sure my boss'll give me a day off."
"Of course. If he makes any more progress this week, I was thinking that perhaps you could take him home for the weekend."
"Really?"
"Yes. I think that you could handle him for two days. He's using the toilet on his own now and feeding himself with a bit of coaxing. You'd mostly likely need to bathe and dress him, but that shouldn't be too difficult for you. I think that being a familiar environment will speed up his process."
"Can I bring him home Friday night?"
"Only if he says something else this week."
Two days later, Ray eased the Riv down the tree lined lane leading to the hospital Fraser was staying at. The facilities were beautiful, almost rural in their setting, and the staff kind. Ray was happy he had been able to put Fraser up in a decent place, thanks to the RCMP's financial intervention. It would have hurt to have kept Benny locked up in a place like he'd gone undercover in all that time ago.
"Hi Janice," he greeted the nurse at the front desk.
"Good morning, Ray! Benton's out back getting some fresh air."
"Has he said anything else?"
Janice shook her head. "I'm sorry, he hasn't. Maybe you'll get him to talk?"
"I hope so."
Ray headed 'out back' to the fenced in yard the patients could exercise and relax in. It didn't feel fenced in, though, as the fence was hidden by shrubs. He found Fraser sitting on a rock under the willow tree by the creek, knees drawn up to his chin in a huddle. He was dressed in the dark blue cotton pyjamas Ray had brought him a few weeks before, with his light blue bathrobe over them.
"Hey, Benny," he said quietly as he approached his friend. To his immense surprise, Fraser looked up. He didn't allow his gaze to meet Ray's, but this was definite progress. "Dr. Holder told me you refused your vegetables three nights ago. That's great, Benny. I brought you a treat." Not even a flicker of interest. "I picked up some popcorn at the popcorn store you like so much. Dill pickle flavour. Your favourite." Fraser raised his head again, his curiosity finally piqued. Ray could only stand there amazed. Finally, Fraser reached out for the bag Ray was holding and snatched it away. This rudeness passed over Ray as he saw Fraser's lips move for the first time in months. They mouthed 'thank you'.
Ray felt the first tears well up in his eyes. "You're welcome, Benny. Why don't you have some now?" No response. Ray reached out and opened the top of the bag, took out a few kernels, and held them up to Fraser's lips. His tongue snuck out between his lips and brought the popcorn into his mouth where he chewed and swallowed. He fed himself the rest of the snack. Just a little coaxing, Dr. Holder had said. "You know, Benny, if you keep on talking this week, I can bring you home this weekend. Imagine! Two days at my house with Ma's cooking! She'll only make things you like. We all really miss you, Benny, and we want you to visit. Will you do it? Will you say something for us?"
Fraser looked up and for one all too brief, painful, moment, his eyes were clear and lucid. "I miss me, too," he said clearly before falling back into the painless cocoon he felt so safe in.
'Then' (fifteen months before)
The whip cracked down again, striking its emaciated target where it could cause the most pain while causing the least amount of damage. He'd made the whip himself. It stung--sort of like being hit with a snapped wet dish cloth--but didn't break the skin.
The man under him just whimpered as he was hit over and over and over again. Only when the first bruise or two appeared was it enough and the captor could lower his arm. That was sufficient for now.
He laughed as the pain made the man retch. There wasn't much in him to throw up, but the captor did get a little back of the gruel the man had eaten the day before as well as some rich, strong smelling bile. Satisfied, the captor grinned and left the room.
Along at last, the man brought his legs up to his chest, trying to quiet the pain. The smell of his vomit made him nauseous, but not nearly as much as the realisation that he had lost precious nourishment. Vomit was natural, wasn't it? Perhaps he could...
No, he wasn't there yet. Not yet.
Painfully rolling away from the stench on the floor, Fraser slept.
'Now'
"Ray? Benton?"
Ray turned away from Fraser to greet Fraser's psychiatrist. "Hello, Dr. Holder." Fraser made no response.
"How are things today?"
Ray held up the empty popcorn bag. "Benny thanked me for the popcorn."
Dr. Holder smiled. "Did you really, Benton? That's wonderful! Did Ray tell you?" No response.
"Yeah, I told him," Ray said finally.
"I think you can go with Ray for the weekend, Benton. But that'll depend on how you are for the next two days. I want you to say something more to me and I want you to dress yourself. Can you do that, Benton?" Still no response. Ray looked up with pleading eyes at Dr. Holder who gave him a reassuring smile.
Two days later, Ray bounded into Fraser's hospital room to find his friend sitting by the window, starring into space. He was actually dressed in a sweat suit instead of the pyjamas he'd been practically living in since he'd been admitted. "Hey, Benny! Ready blow this joint?"
Fraser got up from the chair and slowly turned towards Ray. He said nothing, but his response to Ray's question was unexpected progress. "Come on! We'll be in town in time for dinner--Ma's making pasta fazool!" Fraser went to the bed and picked up the small bag lying there. He wordlessly followed Ray out of the room.
The evening staff was already on duty as Ray signed Fraser out at the front desk. "You need to have him back by eight Sunday," the nurse told Ray.
"I'll have him back then, Melanie," Ray promised.
Outside the hospital, it took a bit of coaxing for Ray to get Fraser into the car and buckled up in his seat. The hour long drive to Chicago was spent in silence.
When they arrived at the warm Victorian house on North Octavia Avenue, Ray was relieved to find that his family had heeded his warnings and did not rush out to meet Fraser. Leading Fraser gently by the arm, Ray ducked into the living room to find the majority of the family watching television. Francesca jumped up to greet them. "Hi Benton," she said a lot more demurely than Ray had imagined she could speak. She looked at Ray. "Ma's in the kitchen finishing dinner. She said to bring Benton there."
"Thanks, Frannie. Come on, Benny." Throughout the entire exchange, Fraser had been unresponsive, but he followed Ray out of the living room with barely any coaxing.
The kitchen smelled wonderful--pasta, beans, lamb stock, and vegetables simmered on the stove. The Vecchio matriarch was at the counter, slicing bread.
"Ma!"
Mrs. Vecchio turned at this utterance to find her biological son blanching at Fraser's happy exclamation. "Yes, Benito, caro, it's Ma," she crooned. She went to Fraser and wrapped her arms around him. He offered no resistance and melted into her embrace. She held him for a long time. When Fraser finally pulled away, both had tears in their eyes.
"Raimondo, caro, why don't you show Benito to his room, si? Dinner will be ready in just a little while," she said huskily.
"Okay, Ma. Let's go, Benny." As they headed up the stairs, Ray spoke quietly to Fraser. "You just made my day, Benny. And Ma's. I can't wait to tell Dr. Holder."
Ray led Fraser into the guest room where Fraser set his bag on the bed without looking around the room. Instead, he turned right around and walked out. Curious, Ray followed him wordlessly. Fraser entered the bathroom and closed the door firmly behind him. Ray pressed his ear against it. He heard Fraser urinate, flush, then run water in the tap. Then there was no sound for a full minute. Ray, ear still pressed against the door and debating whether or not he should go in, was rudely surprised when Fraser opened the door and he tumbled onto his friend who fell backward.
Surprise and even amusement could be read in Fraser's features as he looked at Ray. Then he laughed.
He had not laughed since... since he'd received The Book. He had gone a long time--too long-- without laughing. Now that he laughed, he could not stop, even as tears streamed down his cheeks, even as he clutched his aching ribs. Ray finally joined in.
"That'll teach me to eavesdrop on you, right, Benny?" Ray gasped, hoping his friend would say something.
Instead, Fraser's laughter turned to heart wrenching sobs. Ray pulled Fraser into his arms. "Don't let go!" Fraser begged.
"I'm not going anywhere, Benny."
"Hold me tighter! I can't feel it!" Ray tightened his stronghold as he rubbed Fraser's back.
It was hours later that Ray tucked a worn out Fraser into bed. He then headed downstairs to the kitchen. "How is he?" his mother asked.
"I think he's better. He's sleeping, so we'll know when he wakes up."
"There's still dinner left, would you like some?"
"Please. We should save some for Benny, just in case."
"Of course. Raimondo?"
"Yes, Ma?"
"What do the doctors say?"
"We don't know yet, Ma."
"I don't want him to go back to that awful place. He should be with family."
"I'm going to talk to Dr. Holder about that. I think that now that Benny isn't totally catatonic, we stand a chance."
When Ray headed up to bed a half hour later, he found a sleepy Fraser sitting at the top of the stairs, his knees drawn up to his chin. In his pyjamas, he looked like an overgrown child. "Benny?"
"I can't sleep. I'm hungry."
"Yeah, I'll bet. Come on down, there's some dinner left."
In the kitchen, Ray set a steaming plate of pasta fazool in front of his friend as well as a tall glass of cold milk. Fraser ate like a starving man. "Want some dessert?" Ray asked once Fraser was done.
"No, thank you. I think I can sleep now."
"Okay. Ma wants you here now. I'm going to talk to Dr. Holder about getting you released."
"No."
"No?"
"I'm not ready yet."
"Benny..."
"No."
Fraser slept very late the next morning. It was past ten thirty when he padded barefoot down to the kitchen in his pyjamas and robe. Most of the Vecchios had finished breakfast, but Ray had decided to wait.
"Morning, Benny," he greeted his friend over a newspaper. "Coffee?"
"Not allowed."
"Uh?"
"I take medication. No caffeine allowed." Ray put his paper down.
"Medication? Dr. Holder didn't say anything about meds..."
"I don't take them each day. I took one yesterday and I'll get one tomorrow. I think they're to make me less depressed. But I'm not depressed. I just need time to think. I would like some juice."
"Of course." Ray bolted for the fridge and got Fraser some orange juice.
"Ma made waffles and bacon this morning. I'm going to have some now. You want some?"
"Mmm."
Ray took that as a yes. He went to put their breakfasts in the microwave. "I called Dr. Holder this morning." This statement received the silent treatment. "She said that what happened last night was cathartic--that it was just what you needed to get better, kind of like passing a roadblock or going through a brick wall."
"I'm not staying here."
"She agrees with you on that. She wants to keep an eye on you for a while." The microwave beeped. "Breakfast is ready."
Fraser attacked his waffles and bacon with a passion. "I didn't realise that I miss food," he said with his mouth full. "There are so many things I miss. Ray?"
"Yeah, Benny?"
"Do you think you could get me away for another weekend visit in the near future?"
"Sure, Benny. Can't stay away from Ma's cooking, uh?"
"Actually, I need to get away to a wooded area for a few days--alone."
"Benny, I'm not so sure that's such a good idea."
"Ray, my mind and body are almost healed. It's time I heeded Alyoshka's advice and took care of my soul. I can't do that here, and I can't do that where I'm being watched every second.
Ray finally understood. "Okay. But who the hell is Alyoshka?"
Sunday night, after an early dinner, Ray drove Fraser back to his hospital. He decided to go in so he could talk to Dr. Holder in person. "Hey, Melanie," he said to the nurse on duty. "Is Dr. Holder in tonight?"
"You bet. She wanted to see Ben." Ray turned to his friend to find Fraser starring at his running shoes. "Why don't you head up to Ben's room and I'll let her know you guys are back?"
"Okay, thanks."
Fraser's room was on the second floor, with a lovely view of the backyard. It was bright and bare, containing only a bed, an armoire, and a desk with a chair and lamp. "I should have thought to bring you some books," Ray said dejectedly.
"I won't need them this week," Fraser replied as he unpacked his things. He looked up when they heard a soft knock at the door. Dr. Holder walked in a few moments later.
"Hi, Ben."
"Hello." Dr. Holder grinned.
"Did you have a good weekend?"
"Yes."
"Can I take him again next weekend?" Ray asked.
"I don't see why not."
"I guess I'd better go now, Benny. Same time Friday?"
"Okay. I'll call you this week."
Ray did a double take. Last time Fraser had called him, well... Suffice it to say it had been a long time since then and not under the best circumstances. "You know the number."
Once Ray had left, Dr. Holder motioned for Fraser to sit down. He went to the bed, removed his shoes, then climbed up onto it, resting his back against the wall and drawing his knees to his chest. "I take it you had a good weekend?"
"Yes."
"Do you feel you made any progress over the last few days?"
"Yes."
"Why do you want to continue staying here?"
"Because... because I'm lost."
"Lost?"
"I can't leave until I find myself. That's what I'm doing next weekend."
"How will you find yourself, Ben?"
"Spiritual purification." He might as well tell her. Otherwise she might not let him go. "For that, I need to fast this week."
"Ben..."
"I need to. It's important. Ray knows what I'm going to do. You know he wouldn't let me do anything that wouldn't be good for me. Dr. Holder, my body has healed, you are helping my mind immensely, but now I need to salvage my soul. I'll begin my fast on Thursday."
"All right, if you feel that is best. But I don't understand."
"I don't expect you to. You are very kind, Doctor. I could not be at this point without your help."
"That's what I'm here for. Do you need anything else tonight?" Fraser shook his head. He looked down and as he did, he heard Dr. Holder leave the room.
There was a knock on his door a few moments later. It was a nurse, with his medication. "Dr. Holder still wants you to take these. But she has reduced the dosage."
"Thank you kindly, Lys," Fraser said, accepting the medicine and downing it. "Could you help me with a bath?"
"Of course, dear."
Fraser knew he didn't really need help with his bath. Not anymore. But Lys was a kind, matronly woman. When she gently rubbed his back or scrubbed his hair, she made him feel like a little boy again--safe and warm and in caring arms. He knew Lys knew this. He was grateful for her kindness.
Ray knew he was long due for a session of his own with Dr. Holder.
All that had happened with Fraser in the last year or so was almost too much for him. To have seen him go from a strong, nearly invincible, Mountie to a hollow shell had been a devastating blow for Ray. Despite every dark and monstrous thing he had ever witnessed in his life, he had never known that there was anything so evil as to break Benton Fraser. Not even Frank Zuko had succeeded. Victoria had come close, yes, but she had been nothing like the men who had starved and humiliated Fraser--with her, Fraser had always had a choice. This was an evil--there was no other word Ray could conjure up to describe what had happened to Fraser--that Ray could never have believed existed without seeing it with his own eyes.
It was heart breaking to realise he no longer possessed an innocence he had never guessed he carried with him--an innocence he had thought was held only by Fraser.
Rage burned in his veins as he realised that Fraser wasn't the only victim of this whole sordid incident. The men had taken not only Fraser, but also himself. He could never gain back what he'd lost, but he could help Fraser make his way back again.
When Fraser called Tuesday night, Ray diligently made a list of the articles his friend would need and set to work collecting them. He promised Fraser that everything would be ready for Friday night.
Fraser looked tired when Ray picked him up. He barely even acknowledged Ray's presence, letting the detective do all the talking. "Remember my old partner, Laurie? She and her family have a place a little ways north, on the lake. She said you can make yourself at home. The place is wooded and she promised you'd have privacy."
"Mmm."
"I got all the stuff you wanted. Strange list. This place is two hours from Chicago, so I'll have to pick you up early Sunday if you want to have a bite to eat before heading back to the hospital."
"That would be backtracking. Please pick me up Sunday evening and take me straight back to the hospital."
"Sure. Well, here we are," Ray announced, turning onto a dirt road. He drove about a kilometre before pulling over. "The house is just at the end of this road, maybe a mile or so. There's a key under the left window sill if you want to get in." Ray then pointed to the woods bordering the road. "See that path?"
"Mmm."
"Laurie told me it'll take you to a little clearing where they go camping. There's drinking water there and plenty of wood. She said it should work okay. Just make sure your fire doesn't smoke too much."
"Mmm."
"I'll be here Sunday at six. Is that okay?"
"Fine." Fraser got out of the car, pulling some of the things he'd need out of the backseat, then used the keys Ray proffered to open the trunk and get the rest of his supplies.
"Can you carry everything on your own?"
"I'm fine. Thank you, Ray." Fraser gathered all his supplies together and loped off into the woods. Ray stood watching his friend for quite some time before getting into the Riv and driving off.
Light was fading quickly, so Fraser knew he had no time to build his lodge tonight. Instead, he used his energy to setting up camp--putting together a makeshift lean-to, digging a latrine pit, and setting water to boil for tea.
He was surprised by how familiar these gestures still were. Perhaps there were things which could never be forgotten.
As night settled in, Fraser crawled under the protection of his lean-to, dragging a warm blanket over himself. He felt strange. He couldn't even put the finger on just what he was feeling.
Somewhere, a wolf howled, and finally Fraser knew.
He felt at peace.
Morning came very quickly, Fraser rising at the earliest crack of dawn. He satisfied the rumbling in his stomach with two strong cups of tea before setting to work at the task at hand.
He had never built a sweatlodge on his own before. He wasn't even sure how long it would take him. A lodge for twelve could be built in four hours, so he figured that a lodge for one could be built in a third that time. He wasn't even sure how he'd perform the ceremony on his own, knowing full well that a proper ceremony could not take place without an elder. Still, this would have to suffice. This was one sweat he had to do alone. He'd lost himself in solitude and in solitude he would find himself.
He began by making a small fire to heat the rocks on. Suitable rocks were not easy to find but he eventually stumbled upon some he knew would not explode when heated. He set them on the fire and went on to the next stage.
He dug the pit, making it roughly a foot in diameter. He wouldn't need that many rocks to heat the lodge. Next, he had to find wood for the framework. There were no willow nearby, but a cluster of cedar saplings proved itself a more than suitable alternative. Fraser chose only the slimmest saplings, cutting them easily with his ax. He chose six, planted them firmly in the soil around the pit, allowing himself sitting room. Going to the middle of the structure, he bent the saplings into a round form, attaching them with twine. The framework of the sweatlodge looked like a small dome. Pleased with his progress, Fraser draped the structure with heavy wool blankets, making certain that the structure was light and almost sound proof. He finished by laying cedar branches on the ground to sit on. Satisfied, he went to check on the rocks, finding them almost ready. He stripped quickly, then went to prepare the water he would need, setting the supplies necessary for the ceremony just within the entrance of the lodge.
He used a pitchfork to carry a few red hot rocks into the lodge where he then sat down, closing the blanket flap which served as a door.
The first endurance was West. He would call upon his spirit guide.
Wolf.
He poured a dipper of water over the hot rocks, causing steam to shoot upwards. He introduced himself to the Spirit World. "I am Follows the Wolf. I am happy to be here with you today."
The second endurance was North. This was the cleansing stage where he would recognize his courage.
He poured enough water over the stones to fill the lodge with steam. He murmured a small prayer. He reached for the bundle of sage and chewed some slowly, feeling the fortifying herb healing his soul. It was an herb which could overcome the bad things in the world. He took a feather and fanned the air, invoking the cleansing properties of the north. He was sweating profusely by this time.
The third endurance was East. Now was the time to pray aloud. Fraser focussed on the red glowing rocks in front of him. He prayed for himself, for the spirits, for the world in which he lived, and even for a way of life lost to so many. He poured a dipper of water over himself to mix his lifeblood with that of Mother Earth.
The fourth endurance was South. Healing and growth.
He poured more water onto the stones, generating more steam.
"Oh, Great Spirit, I pray for myself in order that I may be healed..."
Steam continued to rise. In it, Fraser saw himself surrounded by a circle of howling wolves. He could feel their medicine flowing into himself. The circle drew him closer and closer into the howling until he let out a howling himself. He was one with the wolf again.
The steam cleared. Fraser blinked, casting away the last remnants of the vision. He murmured a prayer of thanks to the spirits before dousing the rocks and exiting the lodge.
The air was cool and he shivered as he went to put on warm clothes. He made sure his fires were out then began to think about food. Ray had brought some of Ma's cooking and for this Fraser was grateful. He placed a plate of food a little ways from the lodge as an offering to the spirits. Then, cleansed in spirit, he ate ravenously knowing that he would be all right.
Meg Thatcher had not seen Fraser in a long time. After his breakdown, she had been uncomfortable with the thought of seeing him that way. She also knew deep down that he wouldn't have wanted her to see him in his time of greatest weakness. But, now that his healing was complete, he had asked that Ray come down with Meg the next time he came to the hospital to visit. And, he informed his friend, it would be the last time a visit would be needed.
A week had passed since his cleansing and Fraser knew that there was nothing more anyone could do for him. Dr. Holder readily approved his discharge when she saw how open to the world Fraser became after returning from his weekend.
The man who had left the Friday had been quiet, almost sullen, with very little interest in life. The man who returned on Sunday was talkative and happy, eager to point out to his doctor all the little beauties he could see throughout the day.
Faith is a powerful healer.
In all the darkness Fraser had lived in, somehow he had clung to his faith. And in his most needy hour, it had given him just what he needed.
The loss of control and the humiliation he had been forced to endure during his captivity were now experiences he could put behind him. Two months was such a short amount of time in the span of a life. But also symbolic of all the pain he had allowed himself to carry in his near forty years of life.
As Fraser waited for Meg and Ray to take him home, he cast aside his final demons.
Mum--There was once a little boy who was angry at you for leaving him. I understand now why you had to go.
Dad--If you had allowed me to love you, I might have had the strength to mourn you properly. I let you go now.
Victoria--You gave me a freedom I never want again, the freedom to do wrong. I was weak and allowed myself to be taken advantage of. But I am strong now, and I cast away your memory. I am rid of you.
Fraser didn't even realise that he had spoken his prayers out loud until he heard a soft sound from the doorway. He looked up to find Meg and Ray standing there, tears making their way down their cheeks.
"Welcome back, Benny."
"It's good to see you, Fraser."
Fraser gifted them with a genuine smile. "You can both take me home now."
Epilogue
Springtime in eastern Europe was cold. Thatcher's tears were hot. A sharp contrast. Fraser's healing had left place for Thatcher's. Maybe one day there would be time for Ray's.
Meg knelt down onto the cold earth, stroking the crumbly surface of her brother's grave. She bent down to kiss his marker softly. "Goodbye, Thomas."
Ray gave her all the time she needed. He was keeping a promise made eons ago in a time of desperation. When she was done, they would fly back west over the Atlantic, to meet up with Fraser in northern Canada. Meg and Ray's plans had been put on hold for a long time, but neither cop ever went back on a promise.
Summer in the Territories was pleasant.
Fraser was his annoying, Inuit story telling self again, the clouded look in his eyes which had haunted him all the time he knew Ray had vanished. Ironically, Fraser had made contact with an innocence a little six year old boy had had torn from him.
Thatcher's sadness finally evaded her, becoming secondary to the growing friendship between herself and Fraser. There was no time for love now. There might never be. But friendship was not something to be let go of as lightly as love.
And as for Ray, his healing began when he finally understood that even the darkest evil could not conquer the best of souls. Like Meg and Fraser, he would never be the same person again, but that was not to say he was any worse for wear.
"Come on, Ray!" Fraser coaxed.
"No way! I'm not getting on that thing!"
"Ten mile hike to the cabin!"
"I'll walk!"
"Fine!
Without another word, Fraser nodded at Meg who followed his example. They dug their heels into their horses and cantered off under blue Yukon skies leaving Ray in the dust. He gapped for a moment before running off after them, on foot.
"Hey, wait for me!"
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