Here's my 'obligatory' North story. It's something of an AU. It's also kinda old, so pardon its less than stellar-ness.
Rated PG-13 for strong language. I hate having to say this, but I have to so I will. Warning: death of a major character.
Standard disclaimer applies.
Two
by: M-A
Half their `vacation' was over already, and Fraser was more than ready to kill Ray. The detective had done nothing but *complain* since they had arrived up north--about the weather, the bugs, the food. At the moment, he was poking at his dinner, whining about the lack of seasoning and the strange taste of Arctic hare. Fraser took a deep breath and grabbed his own plate of lukewarm stew. He picked it up and slowly dumped it over Ray's head.
"Hey!" Ray yelped. "Whaddya do that for?" Fraser did not answer. He grabbed his pack and bolted off into the woods.
Deep down, Fraser knew two things: 1) he owed his life to Ray; 2) he wasn't worthy of Ray's friendship. But Ray *had* offered to come up here and fix up Fraser's dad's cabin. The least he could do was be polite. If he hadn't meant his offer, why had he asked?
Night was falling quickly as it does so far north and Fraser reluctantly headed back towards the camp, knowing that he would never forgive himself if he left Ray alone for just one night in the woods. Bob Fraser had done that to his son, and there was no way Fraser would be doing that to Ray.
Ray was playing with the fire when Fraser arrived at the camp. He did not acknowledge the Mountie's presence. Ray had changed his clothes and the dirty ones were hanging on the makeshift clothesline the cops had strung up.
"I'm sorry, Ray," Fraser whispered, easing himself down onto a log. His back was *killing* him--too much physical labour too soon after being released from the hospital--but he didn't want Ray to know.
"Yeah," Ray mumbled.
"About everything," Fraser pressed. "Victoria, my greed, my making you shoot me. I can't forgive you, Ray, because there's nothing in you for me to forgive. Thank you for saving my life." Ray looked up for a moment, his green eyes thoughtful.
"You're *thanking* me?" Fraser nodded. Ray shook his head, turning his attention back to the fire. After a moment had passed, he said words that could not go unspoken. "How could you do that to me, Frasier?" Fraser swallowed.
"I don't know," he answered truthfully, his voice small.
"You betrayed me, Benny." Ray's harsh words were dulled by the use of Fraser's nickname.
"I know."
"I trusted you."
"I know."
"It could take a lifetime before I trust you again the way I did."
"I know."
"I have to forgive you, Frasier, otherwise I couldn't live with myself, couldn't live with the kind of darkness I found in you. But I won't be able to forget as easily, Benny. Doubt will creep in sometimes if you say the wrong thing, if you seem to go against me again."
"I know."
"So, what are we going to do about this, Benny? Call it quits, head back for Chicago, and go our separate ways?" Fraser shook his head violently, tears stinging his eyes.
"I need you, Ray..." Ray laughed bitterly.
"Yeah, you need me in Chicago. But, find a way out, and it's `who's Ray'?"
"It's not like that!" Fraser exclaimed, the tears finally falling.
Ray was not moved. This Mountie needed a swift kick of reality in the pants, and Ray was going to give it to him.
"Your tears mean nothing to me, Benny. And right now, you don't mean
much to me, either."
"Ray..." This was the closest thing Ray had ever heard Fraser come to begging.
"You're selfish, Fraser. Selfish and self-centred. You know, I took a bullet for you back there, and you just threw it in my face. I'm there laid up in a wheelchair and all you can do is remind me that I shot you in the back. Yeah, well, you sonofabitch, you almost put my family on the streets and me in jail. Live with that if you can. Oh, right, it won't bother you at all. I mean, if things had gone the way you planned, you and your criminal lover would be on some beach in Mexico right now--"
"Ray, *please*! *Stop*!"
"*Don't* tell me to stop, Fraser! What the hell do you see when you look out into the world? That's the way it is with you, Frasier, screw the rest of the world but make others look bad in the process so that you'll come off looking like St. Fraser of Chicago. Well, I can see right through that now, Frasier!" Ray's tirade had finally come to an end and the red before his eyes subsided.
He could see Fraser now, slumped over on a log, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, and sobbing openly. Ray felt a pang of guilt. Perhaps he had come on a tad strong...
"Oh, Benny..." he whispered, getting up to join his partner across the fire. Ray sat down on the log next to Fraser and put a hand on the Mountie's back in a comforting way. He was not prepared to hear Fraser hiss in pain at the contact. "Benny, what's wrong? Is it your back?" Fraser nodded, not looking up. "Oh, God, Benny, I'm so sorry. I had no right to do that, kicking you while you were down..." Fraser looked up finally, his wet, red rimmed eyes burning with a look Ray hoped he would never see again in Fraser.
"I'm a screw up," the Mountie said. "Is that what you want to hear? That I'm a monster, a poor excuse for a human being, and a selfish bastard at that?"
Ray shook his head."Benny, no... I..."
Fraser interrupted him. "Maybe I should just drop dead? Put you out of your misery? I know what I did, Ray. That bullet in there will cause me constant pain, reminding me until I am old and withered of what I did. I know that there is *nothing* I can do to make this go away, to make things right between us once more. I can't forgive myself and I don't expect you to, either."
Ray was shaken by the amount of self-loathing he heard in Fraser's words. It couldn't go on like this. They couldn't continue to hurt one another. Fraser knew what he had done and understood the consequences of his actions. That had to be enough for Ray because what else could Fraser give him? He gently squeezed Fraser's shoulder. "I forgive you, Benny." Ray suddenly felt a hundred years younger, his spirit lighter. He had meant the words. St. Fraser never did things by half measure, so why shouldn't his biggest mistake be of the magnitude it was? Ray loved Fraser, and he realised that he had to love all the parts of him, and unconditionally at that, because *that's* love. And that's when Ray finally understood the love Fraser had had for Victoria.
Fraser looked up, tears still coursing down his cheeks. "Can you really?"
Ray nodded. "Yes."
"Thank you, Ray. For everything..." The generosity of Ray's forgiveness touched that little part of Fraser's heart which was still pure and he understood finally what it means to truly give of oneself.
"Tell me about Victoria, Benny. About what it was like to love her.
About the little things that made you crazy about her."
Fraser gave a small laugh. "Loving her was... dangerous. She never saw me as `St. Fraser'. And because of that, when I was with her, I wasn't `St. Fraser'. I was a real man, Ray, just like you, able to show anger and love and distrust and fear and hope..."
"I don't like who you became when you were with her. It frightened me."
"It frightened me too, Ray. I loved her. I know I did. But I also know that love shouldn't be that way. It should make you better, not worse, stronger, not weaker. It was self-destructive love that was never meant to be."
"But you are, Benny, strong and better for having loved her."
Fraser laughed cynically. "Better? By becoming a criminal?
Stronger? By turning to pain killers?"
Ray shook his head. "Better for making you human, for making you discover your faults. Stronger for finding a reason to go on living."
"I needed to hear that, Ray. Thank you."
"You're welcome, Benny. Are you ready for bed?"
"No, not really."
"Because of your back?"
"Yes."
"Why don't you take *one* pill? It'll be enough to dull the throb so that you can get a decent night's rest."
Fraser shook his head. "I'll go for a brief walk. It helps to walk."
"One pill, Benny..."
Fraser smiled sadly at Ray. "Right now, my soul hurts more than my back. And there's no pill strong enough for that."
***
Ray awoke first the next morning. The pain lines marring Fraser's
features worried him and he made vague plans to cancel the rest of
their trip and bring Fraser back to civilization and a hospital. The Mountie did not stir as Ray made the fire. The detective was proud of this newly developed ability. It had taken several tries the first times he had built fires, but this time around, Ray was able to get the fire going with one match. He put water on to boil for coffee and was getting the hot cereal ready when Fraser stirred. He moaned softly as he sat up.
"Morning, Ray," he said, his voice a little hoarse.
"Morning, Benny." While the hostility of the past week was gone, there was still a formality to their words. Would they ever find the old camaraderie which Victoria's return had torn from them? "How'd you sleep?"
"Rather well. And you?"
"Pretty good. Want some coffee?"
"Yes, please."
Ray grinned. "I never thought I'd hear *you* begging for coffee!"
Fraser laughed as he accepted the tin mug.
Breakfast and the dishes done, Fraser and Ray sat on a log, preparing to make plans for the day.
"I don't want you doing any more work on the cabin for at *least* two days," Ray said and Fraser nodded, admitting his weakness. "We already have the skeleton up. I'm going to work on the roof today while you hunt or do something relaxing. Okay?"
"Yes, Ray. But are you sure that you'll be all right with the roof?"
Ray nodded. "I'll yell if I get stuck."
Fraser laughed. "Okay. Dief? Come on you soft old wolf! Let's go catch some dinner!"
***
The day passed peacefully as each man tended to his own affairs. Ray found roofing a cabin difficult, but rewarding. He was almost done when Fraser came back into their camp carrying something Ray did not want to identify, but which was definitely dead and destined for his and Fraser's stomach.
"You okay up there, Ray?" Fraser called.
"Just dandy, Frasier!"
"I'm going to start dinner."
"Fine. Just don't tell me what's in it!"
***
Three hours later, Ray was mopping up with a scrumptious piece of
bannock the last of the dinner Fraser had made.
"Wow. That was *good*!" He exclaimed.
Fraser smiled, putting a hand on the small of his back. "Thank you."
"How's the back?"
"Better. You know, Ray, if I make a sudden movement, I can *feel* the bullet." He took a deep breath. "I'm worried, Ray. Cops have been retired on less than that." Ray bowed his head. "I mean, I *was* going to give it all up, had already thrown away everything I believed in, but now, it's different..."
"I know, Benny. I was thinking that maybe we should head back tomorrow. Get you to see a doctor."
Fraser shook his head adamantly. "There's nothing to do about it, Ray. I just strained a bad back too soon after it had recovered. That serves as a reminder that my back is weak and that I'll have to watch for it for the rest of my life to prevent my old injury from returning tenfold and incapacitating me. It's good, in a way, that that bullet is in me, Ray. It will serve as a constant reminder that I am weak both in spirit and in flesh, that I am human and utterly
fallible."
"Thanks, Victoria," Ray said without bitterness.
***
By the end of the week, the two men were nearly done with the cabin.
The exterior work had been finished and the cabin would hold until they could come back up and finish it. Fraser had convinced Ray not to even attempt to install a bathroom since there would have been no way to hook up indoor plumbing. Convincing him not to build a tunnel connecting the cabin to the outhouse was a different matter, however.
The plane was right on time to pick them up. The two men who entered the small Cessna that day were very different from the two men who had landed in the Territories a fortnight before. The difference was not so much physical as it was psychological. They were friends again.
"Guess you're glad to be going home, eh?" Fraser asked Ray over the roar of the plane's motor. Ray turned his gaze from the window, a wide grin displayed on his face.
"Yes. But I'm looking forward to coming back here with you next year."
"Really?"
"Yeah, Benny, really."
They had been flying south for two hours when the plane jerked. Ray turned a wide eyed gaze towards Fraser.
"Is that normal?"
Fraser shook his head. "I don't know!" he answered truthfully as the plane jerked again. Ray undid his seat belt and pulled the curtain separating the cockpit from the passenger area.
"Hey, you wanna keep your eyes on the road?!" he yelled at the pilot who did not answer. Ray felt his heart sink. "Benny!"
Fraser came up and came to the same conclusion than did Ray. The pilot was dead, probably from a heart attack.
"Can you fly a plane, Benny?!"
"No! Can you?!"
"Don't be a moron!"
"Help me get the pilot out of the seat. I read a flight manual once in my grand-mother's library. There might be some similarity between a soft-whit Camel and today's light aircraft..." The Mountie's less than hopeful tone would have been funny under different circumstances.
Wasting no time, the two cops managed to get the pilot out of the way and Fraser slipped into his seat, examining the controls. The plane was descending perilously fast, now.
"Sit down!" Fraser yelled at Ray. "Strap yourself in!" He tried to slow the descent by using the stick, but there was nothing he could do. Fraser had never felt so helpless in his life. "Hang on!"
The plane crashed through a cover of trees. Just before it impacted with the ground, Fraser's head slammed against the window and a soothing darkness overcame him.
"Benny? Please, Benny, wake up!" Through the murky mist of unconsciousness, Fraser could hear Ray's worried voice. He swam towards it and the closer he came to reaching consciousness, the more the smell of a burning plane reached his nostrils.
"Ray?" he asked, struggling to sit up.
Ray placed a hand on his shoulders. "Just lie still for a moment there, Benny. Dief's okay. We got you out just before the plane exploded. We didn't have time to recover the pilot's body."
"Oh..." Fraser moaned, a hand reaching up to touch the sticky blood flowing from a wound above his brow. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just a few bruises."
"How long have I been out? A few hours? It sure is dark."
"Ten minutes, Benny..."
Ray said, the blank look in Fraser's eyes scaring him. "I'm blind,"
Fraser said bluntly.
"Oh, God... Benny, you just suffered a massive blow to your head.
It could be temporary. Pressure on the optic nerve or something.
There's no sense panicking until we know for sure. Now, I want you to lie there for a moment. I got the first aid kit, so I want to bandage your head to prevent it from becoming infected, okay?"
"Okay," Fraser answered, his voice small, and, yes, frightened.
Ray worked quickly, tending efficiently to Fraser's wounds. He then bundled the Canadian up in some blankets and made a fire. "You warm enough?"
"Yes, Ray."
"I'm going to go try to find some dinner. Just stay there and don't move, okay?"
"Mmm..." Fraser answered as he drifted off.
Ray looked at a bedraggled Dief. "If I'm not back soon, wake him up every once in a while, okay?" The wolf woofed.
Making sure to blaze his trail, Ray eased himself into the woods, his gun cocked and ready. Fraser had shown him how to hunt, giving him the rudiments of the sport, but the detective feared that a handgun would not be enough to take down even a rabbit, unless he were able to shoot it at close range. What he needed was something slow.
Like that porcupine over there. Grating his teeth, Ray aimed and fired once, killing the animal on impact. He managed to skin it with minimal damage to his fingers from the quills, but he had to stop periodically to vomit. Deep down, he knew that this was necessary, and that Fraser would be proud of him.
Back at camp, he woke Fraser for a moment, then set to work cooking the meat. It was ready in about an hour and Ray woke Fraser up again. "Benny? Come on, buddy. Dinner's ready."
Fraser's sightless eyes fluttered open. "Dinner?" he asked, a little disoriented, but sounding more like his old self.
"Yeah. I caught a porcupine."
"You caught a porcupine?" Total disbelief.
Ray laughed. "Yes. Here, eat this." He handed Fraser some cooked meat which he had placed on a piece of birch bark in lieu of a plate. He'd found some clover flowers, the only plant Fraser had shown him which he recognized, and put a handful of those next to the meat.
Fraser literally devoured his meal and congratulated Ray on it. Ray didn't eat much due to his revulsion at skinning his dinner, but what went down, went down well. Like Fraser, he fell asleep sated.
The next morning dawned clear. Ray woke with a start.
"You're up!" Fraser exclaimed, sounding better.
Ray groaned for a moment. "Yeah. Hey, you got the fire going!"
Fraser laughed and handed Ray some leftover meat from the night before. Ray was hungry enough to devour it. Things were looking rather well until Fraser tried to stand up from his sitting position on a log.
"Ray..." he said, his voice strangled.
"What's wrong?"
"I can't move my legs..."
"Oh my God... Listen, Benny. We'll follow the river downstream back
to civilization. It'll be okay, I promise. I'll carry you."
Fraser gave a bitter laugh. "Carry me?"
"Yeah, carry you. Come on, I'm all packed and ready to go. I'll walk us out of here."
A few minutes later, with much grunting and heaving, Ray managed to settle Fraser rather comfortably on his shoulder, and off they went, Dief tagging along. Ray knew that they could be a lot worse off. They had plenty of water, were headed in the right direction, and he could find food. So long as Fraser's condition did not continue to deteriorate, they'd be fine.
Ray made camp again that night, preparing a meal of fish and dandelion leaves. He was proud of his new abilities. He was worried, however, by how Fraser was shivering and occasionally mumbling incoherently. Once the Mountie had gone to sleep, Ray turned to Dief.
"If he doesn't make it, Dief, you'll stick with me until we get out of here, right?" The wolf bayed and Ray shivered. Home sounded so good right now, and so very far away.
He had a hard time rousing Fraser the next morning. The Mountie was covered by a faint sheen of fever induced perspiration. A quick glance at his wound worried Ray. Despite his best efforts, the wound had become infected.
"Ray..." Fraser whispered, his voice hoarse. "I don't feel so good..."
"I know, Benny," Ray answered, wiping Fraser's face with a cool cloth.
"If I don't make it, you'll be okay, right?"
"Don't talk like that!"
"Right?"
Ray sighed. "Yeah, Benny. But you'll make it. You can't die like this. It wouldn't make any sense."
"Death is senseless, Ray."
"Yeah, I know. Drink this."
Fraser raised his head and Ray supported it as the Mountie took a few sips of tea made from the steeped inside bark of a birch tree. He coughed. "I'm cold, Ray."
"It's just the fever, Benny. We're only a few days from town. Hang on, okay? We'll get you to a doctor..." He saw Fraser's eyes loll. "Benny! Look at me! Dammit, you're not going to give up on me!"
"I'm sorry, Ray..." Fraser's face went grey like concrete.
"Benny!" The Mountie went limp in his arms. "Benny!"
A few hours later, Ray found a small reserve of strength which he used to dig the grave. He couldn't bring Fraser's body back in this weather. Much as it sickened him, Fraser would have to be buried out here. Well, at least he'd be resting at home for eternity.
Tears fell softly as Ray bundled Fraser's body in blankets and gently lowered him into the hole. He tossed in a few flowers before proceeding to fill the grave up again. Dief howled in grief as Ray finally succumbed to his and threw himself on Fraser's grave, weeping openly.
He woke in the clear, cold hours of a lonely dawn, feeling more alone now than ever before in his life. Ray fashioned a sturdy cross to mark the grave and outlined the grave with rocks. He wanted to come back and place a proper marker one day.
Dief and he reached a town later that afternoon where he learned that a full blown search for the missing plane was being conducted. A doctor tried to treat him, but Ray knew his priorities. He asked for, and got, a phone, and dialled home.
Mrs. Vecchio answered and burst into tears when she heard her son's voice. "Raimondo bambino..." she kept on repeating as Ray made soothing noises.
Finally, it could not go unsaid. "Ma... Benny... he didn't make it." A gasp and the sound of a phone being dropped.Frannie's voice soon came over the wire. "Ray?"
"Frasier didn't make it, Frannie." Francesca let out a strangled sound. "I'll be home soon, Frannie. Give Ma my love." He hung up wearily and dialled the number of the twenty seventh precinct.
***
Epilogue, one year later.
Ray knelt down by the grave next to a flowing river, brushing leaves away from the stone marker. "Hey, Benny. Told you I'd be back. Thanks so much for everything, Benny. You know, I'm starting to love this land just like you did. I finished your dad's place and plan on going up there once a year. Dief agrees with me.
I wish things could have been different, Benny. I wish that you could be here right now. I mean, I know you are here, but I mean alive. I guess that it was your time to die, but that God felt that we had both suffered enough and that we should have the chance to make amends before you died. God, Benny, I miss you! Life hasn't
been the same since I came back without you.
You know, they haven't found Victoria yet. I like to think that she has found a new life for herself, that your love for her was enough to change her. Thanks, Benny, for showing me how to look at the world with slightly more rose glasses.
In the end, I think things turned out all right, Benny. I'd rather you die out here than on the streets, that you spend eternity here than in some cemetary. But, God, Benny, what would I do to have you alive again!"
Ray brushed away the tears which fell down his cheeks, wetting the warm soil. He got up, brushing the dirt from his jeans. He shouldered his pack and headed off in a northward direction, Dief following not far behind.
End.
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