"You Will Never Know My Sin"
by: M-A
I'm sorry Ray.
Sorry for making things so complicated when they are all ready so uncertain. Even if you'll never know this.
It all started with a dream. I know dreams are not meant to be taken literally, yet this one revealed a truth hidden deep within my heart. At least, I believe it did.
I love you.
Love you not like a brother or close friend, but like a lover, a soul mate, someone I have been joined with for all the lifetimes of my soul's existence.
And yet I can't believe it. Can't believe my feelings are true. Can't help but see them as extensions of my inherent loneliness exacerbated by the knowledge that I only have a short span of time left to find a companion.
You are my best friend, the only person I can get close to. It falls to reason that I believe I have fallen in love with you.
And, yet, the rope that's wrapped around me is cutting through my skin. The doubts that have surrounded me are finding their way in. All because of this knowing that there are but a few short months left to my life.
Doubts in the face of death. A classic scenario.
You'll never know, Ray. It wouldn't be fair for you to know. To complicate things that are already complicated enough as they are. If I had even the slightest suspicion that you felt the same way, perhaps I would give in. But I feel nothing but the closeness of brotherhood from you and I would be loathe to spoil what little time we have left by revealing frightening truths.
In the next short while, Ray I'll be such a very good friend. I will never let you know where my mind has been even though I would give what's left of my life just for a little death with you. A petite mort. A poetic French expression meaning a sexual climax. Instead, I will die celibate even as I yearn for sexual release. I am a man like any other, Ray. You are one of very few people to know this.
I worry that others will see my feelings in how I act around you. I am afraid to touch you now. And, yet, as a somber towards the abyss, I must reach out for you. Ray, my life has been characterized by this duality, this inability to choose one path.
Ray, I need your strength now. I need it to die strong, to die with my burden without relieving myself of it. Please give me strength so that you will never know my sin.
****
Angels would fall
The rope that's wrapped around me
is cutting through my skin
and the doubts that have surrounded me
are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
like a holy man prays
in my desperate hour
it's be
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