Avalanche of Feelings

by Ritsuko

Lyrics by Stroke 9

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For this fic, I used Stroke 9's 'Little Black Backpack' song. In my mind, the title itself was supposed to signify Kitty's emotional baggage over being an X-Man, but liking a member of the Brotherhood. Don't know if it came across that well.

I'm not a big fan of Lance X Kitty, but I thought I'd give it a try, at least my take on it. I always feel so sad when the Brotherhood tries to be good, and the one of the X-Men fudges it up! =( (namely *coughcough*Scott*snort*)

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It's always been a problem. The Brotherhood VS. the X-Geeks. Even though Magneto's who knows where, and Mystique is long gone, we still can't stand each other. I learned that you can't change your stripes the hard way. I wasn't even at that mansion a week before they turned on me. Believing those stupid new recruits over me, when all I was trying to do was be close to Kitty, and make everyone try to believe that I'm not a bad guy. Yeah, I'm on that side, but that doesn't mean I don't follow the rules. Here, at the Brotherhood homefront, I'm the one in charge. And especially now, with the superiors gone, all I really want is for us all to just get along. No fighting, no mind games.

Pietro would say I'm being a romantic, but I know that he feels the same way deep inside. It's hard being the outcasts at school. We all have each other, but other than that, most people at school wouldn't trust us as far as they could throw us. Which really hurts when it comes to her.

*I know it It's a shame A shame I can't show it*

I admit that when I first met her, I acted stupid. I shouldn't have tried to get her to do anything that she didn't want to. But I've grown up since then, and she's a major part of that. Not that I can share exactly how I feel. The late hour phone calls, flirting in the halls, brushing up against me in the lunch room, whose to say that it's all a lie? What if she's just doing reconnasciance for that bald dude who took her and the others in?

How can I tell her exactly how I feel about her if she might turn it against me?

*And I see it I can see it now But I'm so far below it*

What if I'm not the kind of guy she wants to be with? That she really only talks with me because I'm one of the bad guys and she feels sorry for me? I think that would be even worse. I can't stand anyones pity, and I've never had any from a girl before, and I don't think that I can take it from anyone of them, least of all her.

*Don't wanna*

Deep down inside, I want to believe she feels something for me. She's so unlike any other girl that I've known. Not to sound egotistical or anything, I've known many girls. Some have been as bubble headed. Some have been as pretty. But none have even been close to the kind of person she is on the inside- sweet, and caring, and even if she is pretending, for the most part she seems to like me as a person. That never happened in the past. I was always Lance Alvers: Hot Young Stud looking for a good time. 'When this Jeep's a rockin' don't come a knockin' and all that macho egotistical bullshit. I didn't even know anyone long enough to show them a different side of me. It didn't even matter, I was just a pretty boy in a time of my life where I needed love and companionship. It didn't matter if that companionship lasted only a few minutes.

*Don't wanna talk about it I say why not?*

But Kitty. . . she's different. She wants to talk to me, and respect me for the person that I am. . . that I try to be. She's shown me that relationships aren't all sex and lies, and that attracts me to her even more. I feel like I can bare my soul to her and tell her everything about my past and life.

But she always looks away when I try to tell her how much I care.

*Don't wanna think about it I say there's got to be some good reason For your little black backpack*

There's emotion behind those eyes. I can see it, but I just can't read it. Disgust, anger, pity, hopelessness? What is it floating in there? What exactly is she afraid of saying to me?

'No Lance, I'm sorry I don't feel the same way.'

'Oh, Lance, you know we're really good friends. . .'

'Lance, you know why we can't be together. . .'

And I do know why. Ten sets of eyes glare at me from the table that all the X-Geeks are sitting at while Kitty and I walk around at lunchtime, and another four sets stare from the usual haunt of the Brotherhood. The elf practically shoots death rays out of his eyes, and squishes an empty milk container in his hand. Ooh, intimidating. I pretend that I don't notice.

*Up, smack, turnaround he's on his back and Don't wanna tango with you I'd rather tangle with him I think I'm gonna bash his head in*

Our conversation goes deeper, and I laugh geniunely at a joke she tells. God, doesn't she know the effect she has on me?

Before I know it, something slams into me and I'm on my back. Kitty gasps, and I look up, grabbing my head from where it hit the ground. Silouhetted against the sun stands Scott Summers, smiling down at me. Kitty starts to reprimand him, but I can't hear any of the words. I can't hear any thing. . . except a distant rumbling.

Summers looks down at me and starts to tell me that he's sorry, the look on his face telling me otherwise. Even though I can't hear, he doesn't get a word in before he's on the ground too, with me on top, grabbing him by the throat and slamming his head into the dirt.

There are shrieks all around. Scott grabs my hands and tries to kick me off of him. Kitty covers her mouth. Cries of glee echo from the Brotherhood table, while the X-Geeks, start running to me to help their fallen comrade.

It's then that the rumbling has turned into a crashing cresendo, and it seems that I don't even have to slam One-eye's head into the ground, it's rising up to meet me. Students run for cover, and I feel that red-head probing my mind, trying to get me to stop, but I mentally send down a mountain of rocks, blocking her out. I sense the Brotherhood and the X-Men starting to fight each other, unsure of the outcome. There certainly hasn't been a fight like this since we were under Darkholme's control.

During the fight, Scott's glasses come off, and a ruby colored streams of light seeps from his eyes. I move my head just in time, but all the same, my cheek gets burned. Snarling, I sink my fingers into the flesh around his windpipe, and I feel him start to choke underneath me.

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Someone is holding me from behind, begging me to let go, halfway cradling me against her chest. Kitty is crying, and begging me to stop. Feeling her body so close to mine, I falter, and let Scott go. The earthquake slowly dissipates.I fall back, exhausted, and land on top of Kitty.

Turning, I look into those eyes, realizing exactly what I'd done.

*And this shouldn't concern except that Just don't expect to get your bloody black backpack back*

It didn't matter that he started it, or that she might have liked me. He was her team mate, and I'd tried to harm him. Didn't she realize that if we were going to be together, they'd all have to deal with it?

"What the Hell do you think you're doing?!" She explodes, crying and screaming. pushing me off of her, she glares down at me, angrier than I've ever seen her.

Theres silence as I see all of the participants of the fight stop where they are and stare disbelievingly. Of all of the fights that Kitty and I have shared, this is the worst that anyone has ever seen. They all know, to some extent, what I feel for her, and what she might feel for me. Though it's hard to believe the way we're looking at each other.

Silence. I stare at the newly cracked ground. Scott's fumbling for his glasses, which are near my feet. Slowly, I kick them toward him. He's to astonished to speak. Either that, or he can't catch his breath.

*I feel you Yes I can What about that don't you understand?*

"Do you know how much I like you Kitty?" The barely audible whisper comes from my lips, but with the after battle quiet, it rings out like a fallen grenade. Her eyes widen, filling with tears.

The slap resounds even louder than my words. Clutching a hand to my now stinging cheek, double the pain with that eye beam wound, I stare sullenly up at her. And at that point, I know that I'm on the verge of losing her forever, if there was anything there to begin with.

"YOU try to kill my team mate, and you tell me something like that? You think that'll impress me or something?" She starts to sob, and I slowly rise to my feet, anger taking hold again. Before she can react and phase away, I grab her by the shoulders, and stare her straight in the face.

*I sense you It's something sensual But it's less than I planned*

"Kitty Pryde, how many night-time conversations, nonchalant looks, and smiles does it take to get it across to you? I was starting to think that from all the time that we spend talking to each other, WITHOUT your fellow team mates knowing, we were starting to understand each other! Of course I could be wrong, and your stupid Valley Girl act could be the real you. I thought you were smarter than that! I went to Sadie Hawkins with you because I like you! I joined your fuckin' geek squad because I want to be near you! But even with all that, you push me away, with a thought of your team mates. How can you, when this feels so right to me, and you can't tell me you don't feel it to some degree, blow me off because your friends hate me for some bullshit mistakes I made in the past?" I point at the scattered Brotherhood members, "Hell, I respect my friends, but I don't let them run my life! But their opinion is all that seems to matter to you! It doesn't matter that I fucking LOVE you!"

Her eyes widen. Like this entire lunch and it's happenings, I hadn't meant to say it.

*Don't wanna*

There was something she wanted to say, but my courage failed. Quickly, I kissed her on the forehead and turned away. Didn't want to finish out the stupid school day anyway. I was in my jeep and driving home before anyone knew what was happening.

Once home, I head immediately for the shower, and stay under that jet of searing water for a good half hour, willing the heat to wash away all of the anger and confusion from my head. I'd blown it.

Smooth one, Alvers, you love the girl and try to choke her friend. What's next, running down Rogue in your ride?

I nearly jump out of my skin when I stepped out of the shower. Pietro was standing there, staring out into space, holding a towel out in my general direction. Glowering at him I dry off and make way to my room. I don't have to listen to know he's following me. He was a self proclaimed second in command, and I was guessing he wanted to know what the hell was going on. I wait until I slip into some jeans and throw a shirt over my head, carefully selecting my words.

"From now on, we ignore the X-Geeks. No more half assed friendships. Who knows when Magneto and Mystique will come back, and we'll have to fight them for good. It's better to keep it just us and them." He opens his mouth to say something, but I just looked down and went on. "No more talking to Rogue. She isn't one of us anymore. And Tabitha isn't to speak with any of them. OR SHE'LL BE KICKED OUT."

The second silence of the day. Then Pietro starts to talk. "Don't you want to know what happened after?"

Sighing, I rub my temples. Nice migraine after all of the rumbling. "I don't need to Pietro. Nothing will change. We're the bad guys. We've just got to accept that. As soon as they get rid of all of their baggage towards us, maybe we can all live in Happy Happy La La Land.". . . . "Leave me alone, Pietro."

He left, dejected, but I had nothing else to say.

*You're trying to find a reason for the way you feel tonight Your mind is lined with layers of lead Have you heard one thing that I've said?*

Nobody bothered me the rest of the day. I sat alone in my room, mourning the course the day had taken, but I know that one way or another, this is what it all comes down to. Our bullshit Romeo and Juliet act means nothing in the long run. Shakespeare didn't have to deal with mutation on a daily business.

The phone starts to ring. One. Two. Three. Nobody answers, and I start to grumble. Did they all go out to eat or something? Angrily, I pick up the phone. "What?" I snarl.

There's silence on the other end of the phone. No, not silence, but a sort of upset breathing, like the person had been crying for quite sometime. Then, an unmistakable soft voice. ". . . Sorry. . . wrong number."

Click.

Dial tone buzzes in my ear. My eyes go wide.

Damn damn damn DAMN!

The phone goes flying across the room. But even as I stare at all of it's newly dissembled pieces and shards, I feel even more broken.

My migraine flares up again, and I clutch my head with my hands, trying to hold back tears, the urge to break things, and the power deep inside me. My breathing starts to slow as I mentally try to form a mantra to calm down.

It was nothing. . . it was nothing. . . . I am NOTHING. . . . tomorrow. . . it's back to the way it was before. . .

>>>> end?



Poooor Lancey. . .