Funny Stories

Now, I've heard alot of hilarious stories in my time. And there are alot of things that I've done that heve been. . . pretty stupid. Well, laugh away!

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I had just picked up my friend Tine from her house on Callow, and I was driving back to the main road. I slowed down a little to let a little dachsund cross the road, and noticed that one of his legs in the back was dragging. I sadly 'Ohhh'ed, and Tine looked at me, confused. Pointing out the dog, I said, "Poor little guy, his leg is hurt!" She squinted at the dog and snickered. "Uh, Ri," she started, "That's his penis."

No wonder they're called wiener dogs.

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Me, Tine and a couple of friends went to Hot Topic, and were looking at bumper stickers. Earlier in the day, I had been teasing Tine that her kitten Jade could be a Porn Star, and sure enough, one of the stickers in the window was your courtesy Porn Star brand sticker, with the pictures of and eye, a heart, and a cat. Who among you can't figure out what that really means? Leave then.

Tine sees this and squeals that she should get it for Jade. At this time, I notice the lady behind the counter, and realize that she's a lesbian. Mostly because she's staring and smiling at Tine's naivity. I ask Tine if she knows what it really means.

"I love kitty" she states, and I can only look at the floor. She notices that, and asks me why, realizing she must be wrong, and begs me to tell her. Instantly, I point ou the salesclerk, and stae that she would probably be much happier telling Tine what it means, instead of her token of love for her kitty.

"I love pussy," the lesbian states, staring Tine in the eyes, and she just was silent for a moment.

"Well," Tine stated nervously, "I guess that doesn't fit Jade at all."

Indeed.

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Long long ago, Ritsuko worked in Dairy Queen, the Hell of all Little Norway. And most of the time, she had to work drive though. Okay, I had to work it every day, from ten am to four pm. It sucked royally, but I got the hang of it pretty quickly, and it even got to the point where the person could tell me their order, and I'd could get it ready before they even paid. One such lady drove through, when there was a line of no one, and having just ordered a deluxe cheeseburger, I handed it to her, as she handed me the money.

"My," she exclaimed, "That was fast."

Handing her change back to her I dryly intoned, "Hence the name FAST FOOD."

She didn't laugh.

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Here's a swollen tale: apparently, one of my friends (yes, I shall save you with anonymity; though anybody whose anyone I talk to knows who you are!) and her boyfriend had an exceptionally physical relationship. And one day they wanted to go at it, but there was nowhere safe.

Except the woods.

So she went out there with her boyfried, and they started getting to one thing or another, when, in the height of certain things. . . okay, fine, they were fucking like wild animals, are you happy? My friend started to feel this stinging sensation all over her. Looking down, she started screaming, because red ants were swarming all over her.

Well, Mr. Brains there didn't stop, cause he thought he was doing something right, and a few minutes later he realized what was wrong. They got up and bolted, forgetting their clothing, which by that time, was also covered in ants.

Imagine the look on her parents faces when they walked in the door.

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~ Here's a couple of stories that Kathy sent me from basic training!

One night the males didn't get out of the shower before lights out and D S De Santiago caught them. He gave them 10 seconds to get out and the males that didn't get out on time he made do push-ups, jumping jacks, and then push-ups again in whatever state of undress they were in. He repeated the process until all the males were out of the latrine.

*blink blink*

And why don't I join the service?!

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~ One day on the range, a preivate left his M-16 rifle at the chow table and the Drill Sergeants caught him and made him lift the rifle above his head and run back and forth yelling, 'I am a moron, I left my weapon!' for a good number of minutes.

*blink blink. . . .blink blink blink*

Now I remember why I don't want to join the service. . .

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The other night in Hollywood, I overheard quite the conversation over a B-Rated movie called 'Octopus'. This guy was trying to get his friends to rent the movie, while they continually told him no. He finally started assuming things about the movie by the cover.

"Hey, there's a ship on here that looks like the Titanic! Maybe that's how it sank!" he exclaimed, as his cmopanions rolled their eyes.

"The Titanic did not sink because of a giant octopus." One of the girls in his group said.

At this, the boy leered at her and said; "How would you know? There were no survivors!"

Still glad to know that NK is offering diplomas to people like these.

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While our little Survivor Camp-Out was happening, we decided to go to the Safeway the first thing. I bought all my grocery items in under ten minutes, took the keys to Laura's car, and tried to roll down the back window of her Suburban with the keys.

They refused to work.

After a minute or two of mumbling obscenities (under my breath, mind you) a 30 something lady gets out of her car and looks straight at me and says:

"That wasn't very nice."

I blink a moment, and she walks off.

After a moment, I say in her direction:

"Yeah, I really hurt the car's feelings, didn't I?"

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One night I was working at the gas station with a girl named Amie. Nothing was really going on, when these two fourteen year old boys come in, and nonchalantly ask if we sell apples. We both say no, and they linger around. Amie and I look at each other, and instantly know that our young friends have gotten a hold of 'the marijuana'. We're laughing a bit when they come back up to the counter bearing a single Pepsi can for purchase.

Before I know what's happening, Amie says, "So, a can'll work instead of an apple, huh?"

The scared look on their faces was actually adorable.

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Back when I first started working at the gas station, I also got to go back and work in the Subway, which I occasionally still do. One time I was telling my co-worker Matt, from Hollywood, and he asked if one day I could slip him some meat (not like that!).

I started laughing, thinking of tossing some turkey to him from an aisle away, but, his idea was greater: to secretly slip him some turkey in an unmarked manila envelope.

Okay, so it was funny at the time.

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Eep! Outie!