I’ve just finished reading the first Harry Potter book. In spite of all the hype, and little kids grabbing this merchandisse faster than Pokemon, I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed this book. I thought I’d go online to read more into the serires, what with so many people having spoilers and all, when I came across an article, published by the Landover Baptist Church. At first read, the article was overly humorous, what with their conceptions of this book. The attitude of not being able to have one teensy bit of imagination was, what I thought, J. K. Rowling was pinpointing with Harry’s only family, the Dursleys. But as I got more into the article, it infuriated me. Especially when I re-read the banner of this church, which rudely exclaims: ‘The largest, most powerful assembly of worthwhile people to ever exist. Unsaved are NOT welcome!’

Ah, the thought that I had wandered unto the private sanctuary of a bunch of flaming bigots. Rather than e-mail them, and tell them of my discontent, who knows, they can probably see through God’s eyes or something that I’m a blasphemous, unsaved, little she-devil, and wouldn’t give me the time of day, I have decided to post their ridiculous article here, along with my own commentary, for your eyes. The article itself is in italics.

MAKE BELIEVE WORLD OF HARRY POTTER DRIVES CHILDREN TO THE EDGE OF INSANITY!

This memo is being sent to all church members and concerned Christians to inform them of a disease that has infected our Nation.

What? The plague again?!

Parents of children need to be aware of a particularly dangerous series of books that have somehow slipped by unnoticed.

So God was doing his job again, eh?

Lately, teachers at Landover Baptist Elementary school have been complaining that youngsters have been behaving in an 'odd and peculiar manner'.

Not just the usual vomiting of pea soup and finding kinky uses for the cross.

They have been stealing yellow crayons and painting lightning bolts on their foreheads.

. . . which is quite remeniscent of some African tribes. . .

Many of them have been hiding in boxes and refuse to come out unless cookies and milk are delivered on a silver plate.

Silver to quell the blood-thirst of the lycanthrope, naturally.

We believe this behavior to be far from innocent. It is absolutely demonic in origin.

Just like those damn Pokemon!

We have traced the source of these problems to a series of best selling books in the Satanic world.

For those of you who aren’t up to speed on all that cool, soul-saved lingo, that means Earth.

The Harry Potter book series is filled with fantastic images of hell and liberalism.

OH NO! NOT LIBERALISM!!! . . . and England seems quite far from Hell to me. . .

The entire premise of each book rests in the anti-Christian notion that the sissified lifestyle is to be glorified and accepted by all.

Sissified? I don’t think it’s a very sissy thing to be able to hurl a lightning bolt up your opponet’s ass.

They make sissies out to be heroes, and encourage children to escape into their own private make-believe worlds.

No such thing as sissy heroes?! Who the Hell was David then? Like he kicked the shit out of Goliath with his bare hands!

They encourage youngsters to run away from their problems and escape the world by creating destructive and dangerous fantasies.

No, Harry was actually saved by his mentally abusive family that locked him in a cupboard, and made friends, got to learn, and save the day.

We believe that these books challenge children to create demonically inspired worlds in their innocent little heads.

As if innocence seems to be an option for these kids. . . ever think that maybe overbearing parents are the problem?

We believe that the books make youngsters run off and hide.

From kinky old relatives that say, 'Youse got a pretty mouth! BAP BAP!'

Many parents tell us that their children refuse to sit at the family table for dinner, instead they eat their dinner behind a locked closet door or under their beds.

Seems safe enough to me. . . just last week the devil was urging them to eat at McDonalds. . .

We are asking all members at this time to search every room in your Christian home for any sign of these Harry Potter books. If you find them, keep them out of the child's reach.

Because, damn, papercuts really, really hurt!

Put them on a high shelf until next Saturday when we as a church body will join together in unison for an impromptu book burning on the lawn.

So much for beautification of the church.

After the burning, if any of these 'so-called' children's books are found anywhere on church grounds or in the home of any church member, proper steps will be taken to ensure your child is fully deprogrammed from the illicit material (which may or may not include a trip to a Russian orphanage at your expense) and you will be fined $250.00 per book.

Now Russia's in this too???

The fines are effective after the book burning. Mandatory attendance is required as you help us fight Satan in his attempt to strike at the future of Christian America by worming his way into the hearts and minds of our precious and innocent children!

Who are continually wishing that their parents had been Catholic.

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I found the site again, and shit, it just amazes me that this place is real. I searched this site for almost an hour for any sign that this was all a hoax, but I guess it really is fucked up religious propaganda.

religion is the opiate of the masses. . .