In the past I have used my vast intellect and uncanny power of reason to discern the most effective icons in a variety of genres.
Am I praised for my effort and service to humanity? No, instead I am mocked and degraded.
Fools! I will destroy you all!!!
Since my previous efforts were based on such esoteric details as the existence of Dracula movies before the Francis Ford Coppola version, I will now go for the lowest common denominator.
Who is the greatest cereal mascot of all time?
Lucky the Leprechaun is the Gaelic defender of Lucky Charms, an oat cereal with eerie Freemasonic marshmallows. As one of the Wee Folk he has been trained in the use of magic, which he uses to escape the children intent on devouring his precious cereal. His powers are very impressive, but are seldom used effectively. For example, he has never conjured a machine gun or flame-thrower to kill the little pests.
Diggum is a frog who hawks Sugar Smacks. Unlike Lucky, who is a cereal protector, Diggum is a cereal ambassador who brings his puffed grain and sugary goodness to children everywhere. Aside from a hip, backwards baseball cap he seems to have no unusual powers (aside from being a cartoon frog).
WINNER: Lucky. He may not be bright, but he has superpowers. Diggum is just an amphibian from the ‘hood.
Quisp is the Elvis Presley of cereal mascots. A propeller-beanied alien, his Quisp cereal was two-scoops of cane-sugar heaven. Sadly, probably as a result of a diabetic’s lawsuit, Quisp disappeared in the 1970s. However, I keep hearing rumors of Quisp sightings in different places across the country. Is he alive and selling his cereal undercover, or is this just wistful thinking?
Sugar Bear is one mellow dude. This makes him a disturbing aberration in the world of paranoid, frenetic cereal mascots. Sugar Bear is either the sanest cereal mascot of all time, or he has a serious metabolic disorder. He also had a Sugar Powered Punch at one time, which he would use to destroy those who would disturb his karma.
WINNER: Sugar Bear. Quisp had a better cereal, but for all I know he’s buried under the Meadowlands.
The Trix Rabbit uses his powers of disguise in an effort to covertly obtain his namesake cereal. He always fails. He’s pathetic.
Marshmallow Matey is a kangaroo who appears on the cheap, bagged Lucky Charms knock-off that bears his name. He’s blue and he’s a pirate. He’s never had a TV commercial, but his cereal gives you an excuse to say “Arrghh, matey!”
WINNER: Arrghh, matey!
Captain Crunch is THE MAN. For decades he has patrolled the high seas, keeping the world’s oceans safe for crunchy breakfast cereal. He is a soldier and he is the cereal embodiment of duty, honor and loyalty to multinational food corporations.
Cookie Crisp (a nutritious alternative for those who insist on eating cookies for breakfast) pushes the morality play aspect of cereal commercials to the limit. The story is always the same. The Cookie Crook tries to steal Cookie Crisp from its rightful owners, only to be thwarted by the Cookie Cop.
Sadly the story ends there. I want to see the Cookie Crook tried in Cookie Court where a Cookie District Attorney would battle a Cookie Public Defender under the watchful eye of a Cookie Judge.
WINNER: The Captain. The Cookie Crook doesn’t even have a gun.
King Vitamin. Little is known of this enigmatic monarch. Things must be good in the far-off land he is sovereign of since he is always smiling and has never hocked his spoon-themed crown jewels. I like the cereal, but the campaign needs to be revamped. Personally I would replace King Vitamin with a grim, scowling usurper modeled on Robespierre or Cromwell and rename the cereal First Citizen Vitamin.
The Cinnamon Toast Bakers are a trio of bakers. They make Cinnamon Toast Crunch. This is the lamest idea for a cereal mascot ever. No powers, no chase scenes, no cunning plans to elude the scrutiny of hungry children. Just a bunch of bakers. Pathetic.
WINNER: King Vitamin.
What can you say about Tony? He’s a six-foot tall anthropomorphic tiger who wears an ascot.
Count Chocula is equally impressive, but for different reasons. Generations of children have cowered in fear and gobbled up his chocolate cereal in an effort to avoid his Undead vengeance. But Count Chocula is not in fact a vampire, he is an actor.
Think about it. Breakfast is a meal you eat in the MORNING. If Count Chocula were really a vampire he would spontaneously combust in the rays of the sun whenever he appeared to hawk his wares. Despite this obvious logic, he has conned not only millions, but his monstrous servants, Frankenberry, Boo Berry and Fruit Brute.
I love the Count, but I gotta give this one to Tony. He’ll disembowel his powerless foe before you can say “They’re great!”
WINNER: Tony.
Snap, Crackle and Pop are the elves who give Rice Krispies its magical ability to talk. The ability to animate puffed rice is impressive in an academic sense, but their necromantic powers are wasted. Who really cares what cereal has to say?
Toucan Sam has the power to detect Froot Loops. He seems happy with his lot in life, indicating he lacks imagination. Of all the things you could detect (gold, diamonds, oil, nymphomaniacs) he has the power to detect one particular brand of hoop-shaped breakfast cereal. What a gyp. He doesn’t even exploit this power to its fullest extent. He could plant Froot Loops on his enemies and always know where they are, but does he? No.
I’m giving this one to the elves. Not only do they outnumber Toucan Sam, but they also can call on their allies, the Marshmallow Pixies, and ensnare their enemies in a sticky, delicious and easy-to-make treat.
Sonny may look like a goofy bird, but he is actually a Viking. How else do you explain his destructive berserker rampages whenever he is in the presence of Cocoa Puffs? As we all remember from middle-school history, our Viking ancestors used to eat bowls of pre-sweetened cereal before going on a raid, giving them the energy they needed to loot and pillage.
Sadly, in these politically correct times, Sonny is not allowed to wear his horned helmet or burn down the villages of the annoying children who hoard his chocolatey cereal.
The Cheerios Bee has potential. He is after all a hideous giant insect equipped with a deadly poison stinger. Unfortunately he’s also a big pussy. He’s always cringing and simpering like Peter Lorre (but without the style) and never stings anyone.
WINNER: Sonny will go cuckoo for cocoa-puffs all over the bee’s ass.
Not much of a fight. Lucky always uses his powers to flee while Sugar Bear is a “live and let live” kind of guy. Forced to do battle in an arena however I’d give the battle to Lucky. He’s Irish. That means he has a short temper, drinks a lot and eats a lot of potatoes. That gives him the edge over a mellow, pot-smoking, granola-eating Southern Californian like S.B.
WINNER: Lucky.
No brainer. Marshmallow Matey is a pirate. Captain Crunch kills pirates for a living, and he’s very good at his job.
WINNER: The Captain.
I’m sure the palace guard of King Vitamin is very impressive. But their giant spoon weaponry will be no match for the feline fury that is Tony the Kzinti. The King is dead, so is the prince. Run away!
WINNER: Tony.
That Marshmallow Treat maneuver may have saved their collective butts in the last fight, but it won’t help the elves this time. The more sugar Sonny eats, the more powerful Sonny gets. After murdering them in a sucrose-induced frenzy, Sonny will juggle their heads while giggling maniacally.
WINNER: Sonny.
A 32-gun broadside beats magic powers every time.
WINNER: The Captain.
These two are both combat monsters, but let’s look at the edges.
Fighting Style: Sonny is a berserker. Tony is cool, not as cool as Sugar Bear, but still pretty calm for a cereal mascot. That gives Tony the mental edge.
Weaponry: Tony has reach, claws, fangs and an incredibly ripped torso. Sonny is pretty scrawny and has a blunt beak. Tony gets another point.
Species: Tony is a cat. Sonny is a bird. Cats eat birds.
WINNER: Tony.
I know what you are thinking. Tony wears an ascot, and we have never seen a Mrs. Tiger. The Captain is a sailor, and we all know how lonely it can get on those long ocean voyages. But this isn’t the Dating Game, so let’s get to the fight.
This can go two ways. If we give The Captain his full resources it’s no contest. The Captain has easily defeated savage opponents like the Crunchberry Beast and Arch-Pirate Jean LaFoot. The cannons of The Guppy (The Captain’s flagship) will make short work of Tony.
One-on-one it’s a different story. Tony is built to kill and he’s twice the Captain’s size. But the Captain has some edges.
With all of those edges, I’m giving this one to the Crunchmeister.
WINNER: Captain Crunch.