Since the last battle royales were so popular I’ve decided to continue the series.
Today’s question. Who is the greatest evil robot of all time?
Purists may object that some of the contenders are not in fact robots. To be honest there aren’t a lot of evil robots out there and I had to cheat.
For the purposes of our discussion, a contender qualifies if it has metal parts and/or a Glowing Red Eye™
Daleks appear on the long-running and extremely low-budget British sci-fi series “Dr. Who.” Technically they aren’t robots, but are instead a race of insane mutants who drive around in mini-tanks and shout “Exterminate! Exterminate!” a lot. But they are evil and would have a Glowing Red Eye™ if the BBC could afford that sort of thing. Plus they are black, are covered with nodules and have a suction cup arm which makes them resemble giant sex toys.
The Tin Man we all know and love from the Wizard of Oz. What most people don’t know is that after Dorothy went home, the Scarecrow became a strongman dictator who ruled the land with an iron fist. Since the Scarecrow was made of straw, the iron fist was wielded by his lieutenant, the Tin Man. The Tin Man was not only a cyborg killing machine, he was also heartless, making him utterly ruthless as he enforced the Scarecrow’s commands.
Sadly the Tin Man has a big weakness. Get him wet and he’ll rust up in no time. Plus he’s made of tin which is not the strongest of metals. He’s good enough to terrorize Munchkins, but the Daleks would smoke him before their second rousing chant of “Exterminate!”
Robby the Robot got his big break on “Forbidden Planet” but was unable to turn it into a career. Perhaps the public was wary of Hollywood robots, remembering the dozens of Communist robots that were exposed and melted down during the McCarthy hearings. In any case, Robby had a few bit villain roles, including an appearance on “Lost in Space” before committing suicide in 1973 after a long battle with alcoholism and depression.
Data, played by Brent Spiner on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” was a sophisticated android with an evil twin brother called Lore. If you believe that. Personally I think Data made up all that crap about Lore just so he could have somebody to blame when he got caught doing evil things. “It was not me, it was my evil twin” is the oldest excuse in the book.
Neither of these robots are very evil, but Data/Lore doesn’t have a drinking problem, so he gets the win.
Before Ahnold, before Chow Yun Fat, before Jackie Chan, in the long distant time known as the ‘60s, giants walked the Earth. The greatest of them all was Yul Brynner. He was Pharaoh, King of Siam, leader of the Magnificent Seven and if that wasn’t enough, he came back from the dead to battle Big Tobacco. He also played a robot gunslinger in “Westworld” which was the same movie as “Jurassic Park” except with robots instead of dinosaurs and no annoying kids.
Also in that distant time there was a computer. Not just any computer, but a massive supercomputer entrusted with the defense of the entire Free World. Its story was told in the movie “Colossus: The Forbin Project” which basically taught us that you shouldn’t give a computer total control over your nuclear arsenal without a lengthy debugging process first.
Yul is so bad-ass he makes Ahnold look like a weeping nancy-boy. But not even he is more fearsome than the power of the Free World’s military. The decision goes to Colossus.
Here we have the battle of the Moving Glowing Red Eye™. Who can claim true ownership of this innovative spin on an evil robotic icon?
The Cylons were the evil robots from “Battlestar Galactica.” At least that’s the story Lorne Green told. Let’s face facts, nobody launches a genocidal war of extermination without SOME provocation, but we are expected to believe the humans were completely blameless in the whole affair. Still, the Cylons did have a Glowing Red Eye™ that moved back and forth, so they must be somewhat evil.
KITT was David Hasselhoff’s fly ride in “Knight Rider.” It had the voice of the guy from “St. Elsewhere” and a Glowing Red Eye™ that moved back and forth on its hood. Therefore KITT must be evil. Like Data/Lore there was supposedly an “evil twin” called KARR which would get the blame for anything that went wrong.
I haven’t gone into the respective abilities of the contenders because there is no point. KITT has David Hasselhoff as an ally, and he is a powerful ally indeed. The Cylons may have laser beams and cool spaceships, but that is nothing compared to the dark powers at Hasslehoff’s command. KITT makes one phone call to his old co-star and this battle is over.
The word robot is derived from “robotnik” (meaning laborer) and comes to us from Czech playwright Karel Capek. In his 1920 play “Rossum’s Universal Robots” a guy named Rossum makes and sells robots, which inevitably turn on their creators and conquer the world. This sort of thing led sci-fi author Isaac Asimov to create his Laws of Robotics which prevented mass robot uprising, until the robots found a loophole and killed everybody anyway.
Terminator 2, or for you nerds out there, the prototype T-1000 liquid metal infiltration unit, was seen in the movie “Terminator 2” which made a hundred zillion dollars. He’s made out of liquid metal, which let director James Cameron play with morphing special effects and was played by Edward Furlong, who just plays Terminator 2 over and over on his VCR as he mourns his lost acting career.
Gotta go with pop culture on this one. The state-of-the-art T2 will wipe out the primitive armies of Rossum’s Universal Robots. They didn’t even have Glowing Red Eye™ technology back in the 1920s.
No evil robots have contributed more catch phrases to our popular culture than these two. I don’t even feel the need to discuss them. If you need a reminder: HAL is the computer on the spaceship Discovery in “2001.” The Terminator is the time-travelling cyborg assassin from the eponymous film.
Who is the greater menace? The Terminator.
Let’s face facts, the astronauts should have taken HAL offline when he started spouting crap about the antenna malfunctioning. Everyone who has ever used a computer knows you reboot when it starts acting funny. HAL is a cultural icon, but he’s not very menacing. Maybe if he didn’t beg for his life when Bowman was doing the electronic lobotomy he’d seem more fearsome.
Not all robots look mechanical. Some look just like you or me. In fact, they could be you or me. The forces of darkness often abduct people and replace them with evil robot duplicates. Anyone who denies this is probably an evil robot duplicate themself. Trust no one and buy plenty of robot attack insurance.
Gort. The name says it all. He was the robot from “The Day The Earth Stood Still.” He was big, silver, invulnerable, had a death ray and defined coolness. I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict him as the ultimate winner. Nobody can beat Gort.
The winner? Gort, by virtue of his Gortness.
Fembots are pretty common. Austin Powers, the Bionic Woman and the Six Million Dollar Man have all faced them. I think villains can buy them in bulk at the Evil Costco. Anyway, they are robots who look like beautiful women who use this insidious disguise to get close to their targets before attacking. You can spot Fembots in a fight since their face will always get ripped off, exposing a lot of creepy wiring.
Seven of Nine, played by actress Jeri Ryan is one of three reasons to watch the otherwise atrocious “Star Trek: Voyager.” The second reason is actor Robert Picardo who plays the Doctor. The third reason are Jeri Ryan’s “Borg Implants” which fill out her velvet catsuit quite nicely. The story is that Seven is a human who was captured by the evil Borg, given “implants” and somehow wound up on a Federation starship. She’s supposedly turned to the side of good now, but her “implants” sometimes take over and cause her to run amuck.
This one goes to Seven of Nine by a landslide. Jeri Ryan is actually a good actress, which is more than can be said for anyone who played a Fembot. She’s also much better looking. And to top it all off, it’s fun to watch “Star Trek:Voyager” and marvel at the actors ability to say the word “implants” in front of her and not bust a gut laughing.
Star Trek characters talk. Daleks shoot. The Daleks will win this, and then scream “Exterminate! Exterminate!” while they celebrate their victory.
Hasselhoff may be the next Fuhrer of Germany, but not even he can save KITT from the cold-blooded determination of Colossus. Hasselhoff may be a singing sensation, but Colossus is the Voice of World Control. Decision: Colossus.
We know how this one went. The older model, played by an actor with a huge box-office draw, will always defeat a newer model if it is played by an unknown actor.
In any battle where sex appeal makes an iota of difference, Seven of Nine wins in a rout. Sadly for the catsuit queen, Gort cares nothing for sex. In fact, the only things Gort enjoys are standing motionless in one place for long periods of time and blowing things up. We know this, because if there was anything else he wanted to do there is nothing that could stop him.
Gort wins.
This could be a battle royale, except that Daleks have one fatal weakness. They can’t go up stairs. I’m not sure how this will be a factor, but Colossus will figure out a way. It also has the entire nuclear arsenal of planet Earth at its disposal and no compunctions about using it, which is also an advantage. Decision: Colossus.
Not much of a battle really.
Terminator drives gasoline tanker truck into Gort. Gort stands there. Terminator exits truck with Really Big Gun and opens fire. Gort stands there. Terminator runs out of ammunition and begins whaling on Gort with truck axle. Gort stands there. Repeat cycle until human atomic weapons become a threat to other planets. Then Gort kills everybody.
I could just give this to Gort and call it a day, but I won’t. The question: Is the entire industrial output of Planet Earth, placed in the control of one supercomputer, enough to destroy Gort?
No. Gort is from outer space, which makes him immune to atomic weapons. But he moves slow and Colossus thinks fast. There is one chance. Gort was created, which implies that his creators have some way of controlling him. Using the enslaved manpower of humanity Colossus will build an army of radio telescopes and search the heavens for clues. As Gort wipes out mountain fortresses filled with computers, Colossus is searching and analyzing.
Finally, as Gort approaches the last Colossus command center, the supercomputer makes a brilliant intuitive leap and broadcasts the command phrase “Klaatu! Barada! Nikto!” Gort stops.
Then Jeff Goldblum uploads a computer virus and kills Colossus.
Final winner: Let’s call it a tie.