Who is the greatest supernatural hunter of them all?
Sixteen of the finest contestants were selected and then randomly paired off. The final winner will be determined by a series of contests ala March Madness.
To the fights:
Born of a vampire father and a human mother, Blade has all the strengths of a vampire but none of their weaknesses. In Marvel Comics, and a recent feature film, he uses his flashing sword and inhuman powers to wage war on the Undead.
Peter Vincent is a broken down movie actor who starred in a series of cheesy horror flicks during the ‘60s. In “Fright Night” fiction became fact when he battled and defeated real-life vampires.
Blade is fearless, while Vincent tried to escape his warrior destiny. On the other hand, Blade has superpowers and Vincent just had a box of movie props. Peter Vincent clearly has more true courage, and in the war against darkness that’s what matters. He was also played by the late Roddy McDowall, who is a much better actor than Wesley Snipes.
Batman (aka Bruce Wayne) is the world’s greatest detective. As a child, he watched helplessly while his parents were brutally murdered by a mugger. In DC Comics, and multiple films, he has sworn vengeance on the criminal community and honed his body and mind to near superhuman levels. As the Dark Knight he has frequently crossed paths with the supernatural.
Howard Lovecraft (from HBOs “Cast a Deadly Spell”) is a stereotypical, burned-out private detective in a world where magic is common. However, he refuses to use it. As he puts it “My shoes may not be shined and my hat may be out of style, but nobody has a mortgage on my soul.”
Anything Lovecraft can do, Bats can do better. Lovecraft has more occult knowledge than Bruce, but Bats has proven to be a very quick study. I’m giving this one to Batman.
The popular duo of Fox’s "The X-Files" versus the grandfather of all monster hunters.
No contest.
Mulder and Scully have NEVER solved a case. Dr. Von Helsing wins in a rout.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has tackled a number of challenging film roles including grim barbarian, grim commando and grim police officer. In many of his films he has confronted Things Not of This World.
The Ghostbusters, in their feature films and cartoon, are Manhattan-based paranormal exterminators. Using ancient lore and unlicensed nuclear particle accelerators they hold back the darkness and make a healthy profit in the bargain.
Tough call. While both Ahnold and the Ghostbusters have the ability to leave massive destruction in their wake, we should look at the record. Monsters usually beat the snot out of Ahnold, while the Ghostbusters fought Chthulu and triumphed. In a close call, I’m giving this one to the Ghostbusters.
Those lovable vaudevillians, Abbot & Costello, took a hackneyed carnival act and parlayed it into a movie franchise. Using little more than snappy banter and physical comedy they defeated every monster owned by the Universal Pictures franchise.
James “The Amazing” Randi is a real-life stage magician who has declared war on the paranormal. Travelling the country he investigates and disproves claims of ESP, psychic powers and astrology. Randi has offered a $1 million reward to anyone who can demonstrate psychic powers, and no one has dared to claim it. He is backed up by the power of CSICOP (Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims Of the Paranormal), which he co-founded with Carl Sagan.
Heart-warming comedy vs. hard-headed skepticism. Where does the advantage lie? When in doubt, check the record (as Randi would no doubt tell us).
Abbot and Costello have defeated Frankenstein, the Wolfman, the Mummy, Dracula and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Randi exposed some con-men. The winner: Abbot and Costello.
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer is one of the best shows on television. Cute girls in short skirts who kickbox with vampires is a winning formula in anyone’s book. But it also has snappy dialogue and mopey teenage angst. This show is legendary.
Clue Club on the other hand is forgotten. A ‘70s cartoon which wore its inspiration on its sleeve, it had clean-cut, mystery solving teenagers, talking dogs and monsters chasing people. But it also offered intriguing mysteries that went beyond “dressing up like a monster to scare people away.” The one with the disappearing statue and the trained monkey is a particular favorite.
Sadly, despite my fondness for Clue Club, Buffy will give them a quick boot to the head in any contest.
Carl Kolchak, didn’t battle monsters, he wrote about them. Kolchak was a newspaper reporter on the short-lived ‘70s show “The Nightstalker” Played by Darren McGavin, he encountered a new monster each week, but none more terrible than his editor who refused to print a word he wrote. Kolchak also got beat up by the Chicago Police a lot. It was cool.
The Scooby Doo clan needs no introduction. Or perhaps they do. We all know and love Shaggy, Scooby, Fred, Velma and Daphne. But what do we really know about them? Who are they? How did they meet? Why do they travel together? Where are they going? Where are their parents? Who owns the Mystery Machine? Where do they get gas money?
The Scooby Doo Gang solves mysteries, but they themselves are the greatest mystery of all.
In a battle between investigative reporting and pop-culture enigmas, I have to side with the Scooby Gang. I love Kolchak, but the greatest minds of our time have gone insane trying to solve the Scooby Doo Paradox. By the time the case is over the gang will have unmasked the criminals, while Kolchak has nothing but bruises, a broken camera and another chewing-out from his editor.
Now we are at the bottom of the barrel. If the question is ‘Who you gonna call?” the answer is not these guys.
The Frog Brothers are freelance vampire hunters who made their debut in the ‘80s vampire film “The Lost Boys.” Even though they got most of their vampire lore from comic books, they were useful in wiping out a nest of the foul beasts.
Vampires Inc., from a novel by John Steakey and a film by John Carpenter, are also in the freelance vampire killing business. Sadly, they aren’t very good at it and most employees never live to cash in their 401ks. Their sad story is a pretty good argument that the whole vampire killing industry should be licensed and regulated by the state.
When creatures of the night are threatening your neighborhood you don’t want either of these groups to be on your speed dial list. But the Frog Brothers survived their vampire encounters, and by default are named the better hunters.
Still with me?
This looks like a Dark Knight/Lovecraft rematch. Bats is faster, smarter, stronger and tougher than Vincent could ever hope to be. It looks like an easy win for everybody’s favorite winged rodent.
Except it’s not. Vincent has one thing that Bats doesn’t. Something that’s crucial when choosing your superntural hunters.
Vincent has faith. Not a lot, but he has it. Bruce Wayne doesn’t. He stopped believing in God the night he watched his parents die. Vincent has the spiritual edge, and in this business that’s a big edge. That and Roddy McDowell is a better actor than anyone who ever wore the Batsuit. Winner: Vincent.
Dr. Von Helsing was killing monsters before the Ghostbusters grandparents were born. He doesn’t need high-tech gadgets to eradicate the fiends. Winner: Dr. Von Helsing.
Abbot & Costello are funny. Buffy is funny, sexy and knows kung-fu. Winner: Buffy.
Do you have to ask? Winner: Scooby Doo.
Almost there.
Peter Vincent played Dr. Von Helsing in the movies. Dr. Von Helsing is Dr. Von Helsing. Winner: Dr. Von Helsing.
Tough one. Scooby Doo solves every case and is a media icon. But Buffy has more sex appeal and knows kung fu. Winner: Buffy.
Monsters threaten your home and loved ones. Who do you choose? A senior-citizen with a German accent or a lithe, wholesome American teenager who can kickbox the snot out of an entire demonic horde without breaking a sweat?
Let’s check the record of TV, movie and written horror.
Good looks: Buffy’s got this. Too bad. Good looking people are always abducted by monsters. Ugly ones get left behind to solve the case. The Scooby Doo Gang’s lack of sex appeal is one of their biggest, unspoken advantages. In a good looks contest between Buffy and Dr. Von Helsing, the good doctor has the clear advantage.
Firepower: Buffy’s got this. She can give boot to the head like a master. It won’t help her.
The forces of darkness can not be defeated with firepower. Ahnold teaches us this in his movies. Only force of will and cunning can stem the tide of evil. Buffy’s kickboxing won’t solve the case. Dr. Von Helsing’s years of experience and devotion to the cause will.
Allies: Horror teaches us moral lessons. The most important is that you can rely on your true friends.
Buffy’s allies include a neurotic boyfriend wannabe, a shy teenaged bookworm, a shy adult bookworm and a moody vampire.
Dr. Von Helsing’s allies include the head of an insane asylum, an insane English lawyer, a Texan with a really big knife and a fallen woman who desires the destruction of the vampire who corrupted her.
Advantage: Dr Von Helsing.
Dr. Von Helsing. As if there was any doubt.