What is the greatest monster of all time?
Once again, we have selected 16 contenders and pitted them against each other in a series of elimination matches to determine the grand champion.
Last time it was supernatural hunters, now we will decide which is the most dangerous game.
Witches (and warlocks) make pacts with Satan, selling their souls in exchange for strange and terrible powers. They can wither crops, sicken livestock and uh, curdle milk. And they wear pointy hats.
Dr. Jekyl was a scientist who discovered a formula that would unleash his violent and impulsive side, turning him into the terrible Mr. Hyde. Today that formula is called crack cocaine and you can get a vial for $10 on any street corner.
OK. Neither of these monsters is all that terrible. I’m giving this one to the witches because they usually travel in groups and I think the pointed hats are cool.
“Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers at night, can become a wolf when the wolfsbane blooms and the moon is full at night.” That’s right folks, come the full moon anyone can change into a ravening, ferocious werewolf which can only be killed by a silver weapon.
Aliens come in all shapes and sizes, but almost all of them are covered in translucent goo and lust for Earth women. They also have ray guns.
I’m giving this one to the aliens. Sure the wolfman is scary during the full moon, but during the other 98 percent of the month he is completely normal. Plus how hard is it to find silver?
Vampires are the living dead, forced to feast on the blood of the living in order to preserve their unholy existence. Their powers are legion, ranging from inhuman strength to hypnosis. They fear only sunlight, the cross and a stake through their unbeating heart. And they are almost always snappy dressers.
The Gillman is an evolutionary throwback, a hideous humanoid creature that dwells beneath the waves and comes ashore only to abduct and mate with human women. And they can communicate with fish. Or is that Aquaman?
No contest. Vamps slurp Gillmen with plenty of time left over to shop for a nice new coffin.
Cultists are scary. Whatever strange god they worship was warped their minds, so that now they live only to further its goals. They could be anywhere, masquerading as upstanding members of the community. Only when they attack, with their dark robes, flashing knives and insane, glassy stares will you know the truth.
Mummies aren’t scary at all. It’s a zombie wrapped up in Ace bandages, which makes it slower and more flammable than a regular zombie. This is not an advantage. Mummies are a threat to the aged and infirm, but anyone with even one good leg can elude these things forever.
As you probably guessed, I’m giving this one to the cultists.
Original flavor zombies are dead Haitian guys who are just like axe murderers, except they have no axe. New zesty flavor zombies consist of hordes of the walking dead who eat the flesh of the living. Plus anyone killed by a flesh-eating zombie turns into a flesh-eating zombie. This sort of thing can spread like wildfire, just like Pokemon, only with cannibalism instead of trading cards.
Giant insects can grow up to Godzilla proportions, but we are concerned with the smaller ones. The inhuman monsters who hide themselves in the flesh of their victims, or work through mind-controlled proxies, or look like you and me until they unleash their invertebrate fury.
Personally, I say the zombies win. You have to shoot each one of them in the head, whereas you can kill an entire nest of giant insects with enough Raid. Besides, the U.S. armed forces have a long, proud tradition of dealing with giant insects, but there is no federal agency tasked with anti-zombie efforts.
Axe murderers murder people with an axe, hence the name. They like to prey on teenagers especially on national holidays. They move pretty slow, but are very tough to kill. It’s easy to spot them though, because for some reason they always wear a mask. What’s the point? It’s not like they are robbing a bank and need to worry about a police lineup.
Robots. Whether they are scientific creations run amuck, time-travelling cyborgs from the future or amusement park animatrons on a killing spree, you should beware of robots. There are three things you need to know about them:
This is a tough call. Both of these creatures are exemplars of the “Big, Strong, Bulletproof Thing That Chases You” category. But I’m going to give this one to the axe murderers. Robots have logical, computer brains, which means you can outsmart them. Axe murderers seem to have no brains, so all you can do is run.
Serial killers in the movies are suave, charismatic, super-intelligent sociopaths and not at all like the bedwetting, animal-torturing losers they are in the real world. That actually makes the movie ones less dangerous. There are so many losers in the real world it’s tough to spot serial killers. In the movies you can always spot the serial killer (he’s the one played by Anthony Hopkins or Kevin Spacey).
Ghosts are just lame. Ghosts can’t hurt you because they don’t have a body. The only thing they can do is make scary noises, spray ectoplasmic goo and manifest in disturbing ways. This can ruin a good night’s sleep, but it can’t hurt you. Just stay away from chandeliers and you’ll be fine.
The winner: serial killers.
Clash of the Titans time. First up: Demons.
Demons come from Hell. Or someplace near Hell. In any case they are not from our world and they want to destroy it. Or father the Antichrist. In any event they always have big plans. Sadly they never get to do anything. Summoning a demon involves cults, ritual sacrifices, circles of power and a lot of other paraphernalia. And if one little candle gets knocked over the demon will roar and then get sucked back to Hell in some kind of whirlpool-style special effect.
Angels are the soldiers of God. They are beings of immense power, created to be the instruments of His vengeance. Like all soldiers, some of them go AWOL. Actually a lot of them go AWOL. Then they travel the Earth following their own mysterious agenda. And they kill people.
This is no contest. Angels win by default. Demons may have icky tentacles and stuff, but they never show up for the game. Renegade angels just have to walk off the job and they can go to town.
Let’s get ready to rumble….
Aliens are scarier. Atom bombs are nothing to them, whereas witches were killed by the thousands back in medieval times. Those primitive screwheads didn’t even have gunpowder, so how tough is it to kill a witch?
Another easy call. Vampires often have cultists, but no cultist is a vampire. Therefore vampires are superior to cultists.
Pretty close. Zombies and axe murderers fill the same niche in the monster ecosystem. There are usually more zombies than axe murderers, but each axe murderer is tougher to kill and usually has more sequels. The decision goes to axe murderers.
No contest. Serial killers are human and mortal. Angels are inhuman and immortal. The menace you can kill is less threatening than the one you can’t. Personally I don’t think it’s possible to kill an angel. The only clue we have from the Bible is the fact that angels carry flaming swords. Presumably they use them to kill other angels, but unless you have Voltron or a bunch of Jedi Knights as back up you are screwed.
This is a really tough call. Let’s check the details.
What do they want: Aliens want women and big explosions. Vampires want women and your blood. That makes it personal, giving vampires the edge.
Killing them: There are lots of ways to kill vampires, but none of them are convenient. Aliens are invulnerable while in their saucers, but are rarely bulletproof outside of them. Plus you can kill the whole bunch with a good sneeze. Edge: Vampires.
Enslavement: Both vampires and aliens can enslave you. Vampires can bite you and make you into an undead slave. Aliens use darts in the back of your neck., but if you take out the dart or blow up the mothership then everything is back to normal. Somebody who becomes an undead vampire slave can never be changed back. Edge: Vampires.
In a close match, the vampires win.
Angels have cooler dialogue. That makes them more evil and therefore the winners.
You would think this is a tough match, but it’s not..
The worst thing a renegade angel can do is kill people. Vampires can turn people into undead vampire slaves for all of eternity, a fate much worse than death.
Vampires.