Steve's Stuff
Steve is the guy who basically provided the impetus for the website. This is his page; so far there are some funny things on here. All we can say is be afraid; be very very afraid.
LOOKING TO FORM A BAND
Want to form a sort-of rockabilly-funk-zydeco thing. So far our only commitment is Alice, on rhythm accordion. Demo Daniel will play spoons but only if everyone agrees that it's all about the music. Dan B. says he'll show up for an occasional guest appearance. Tara will do bookings if all business meetings are held at the Border Cafe. Pete wants to be head roadie and will body-surf as the occasion offers. John has agreed to stand around looking cool. Lauren and Erin will do a sort of back-up singers/lip-synch/karaoke/sort-of...well, really, just jumping up and down a lot. With grinning. Dave-the-Sign-Guy has just agreed to do lead vocals but needs a gimmick. Thoughts?
Groupies wanted
Tentative name is "Gutfull of Trouble." Other ideas? - Steve
NEW FREE-RANGE PRODUCTS AT TRADER JOE'S!
"Mushrooms With A Different View"
These are free-range mushrooms, encouraged by our supplier to roam at will over a twenty-three acre forest! (Truly ambulatory mushrooms are not that common, so supplies may be interrupted from time to time Look for frequent TOS's.)
Our price: $4.99 a pound.
Our competitors: None, since everybody else knows that mushrooms don't move.
Selling points: Cambridge people are politically-correct shitheads; we smile a whole lot.
"Free-Range Mouse Steaks"
(Extra-Lean!)
Bred exclusively in the Cambridge store, these mice produce steaks that are extra lean due to their scuttling between Frozen and Cereals. Free-range mice are your best bet for healthy and happy nutrition!
Our price: $8.99 per pund.
Selling points: [See above.]
PERSONALS
Down-Home Boy
Man of the World, "Soldier of Fortune" and "Guns and Ammo" reader, seeks like-minded divorced (preferably several times) woman with young children for target practice, nude barbecues, animal husbandry (and wifery - get it?) and lots of drinking. Your own house trailer a must. Interesting dental work a plus. Contact Eric at register 4.
Love at First Sight, Last Night
Was it YOU I saw last night in Produce during the 2:30-11 shift? I dreamt about the ergonomically pure way in which you stacked the lettuce. I can name all seven dwarves and would love your company in long, slow walks down the grocery aisle. Please be mine. Contact Chris Colt at register 8.
Be My Xena
Raconteur, bon vivant and man-about-town seeks aeronautically-oriented woman heavy into John Waters movies, the Bee-Gees and vintage comics. Must be extremely tall. Really, really tall. I am a connoisseur of Charles Shaw wines and hope you share my pleasure in this fine decoction. Height a plus. I would like you to be tall. I really would. Meet me at the Cambridge Trader Joe's; I'll be the one in the Hawaiian shirt.
Biker Chicks Need Not Apply
Slim tattooed babe, loves Guns `n' Roses, paintball games and line dancing, would like to meet compatible man. Will play ping-pong if absolutely necessary. Contact Lynne at register 3. Agian: No Biker Chicks!
Pop, Pop, Fizz, Fizz; Oh! What A Relief It Is!
Bjork lookalike wants quality time with person who has real contacts in the music industry. Am tired of Beck lookalikes who grow beards and dye their hair blonds. Hint, hint, Mr. You-Know-Who-You-Are. Will meet appropriate male or female in the beverage aisle and explain the title above - say at 3:25 Saturday afternoon?
We don't have Steve's e-mail address up here yet
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