& OTHER BIZARE CHRISTIAN LISTS
EXCERPTS FROM THE BOOK BY DAVID DICKERSON
TOP TEN CHANGES IN THE CHURCH BY 2050
TEN ANIMALS NOT TAKEN ON THE ARK
NINE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR'E POSSESSED
TEN REASONS CHURCHES DON'T ASK CLOWN MINISTRIES TO RETURN
NINE WORST SINS YOU CAN COMMIT WHILE BOWLING
TEN FEARS TEENS HAVE ABOUT CHRISTIAN CAMPS
TEN CHRISTIAN ATHLETE'S EXCUSES
TEN COURSES AT CHRISTIAN COLLEGES
NINE COMMENTS OVERHEARD ON THE ARK
10. can't wear cross without risking ugly burn scars.
9. At potlucks, someone always cooks with garlic.
8. Church work days are usually held when the sun is out.
7. Don't understand Pauline referenve to "seeing in a glass,
darkly."
6. communion isn't really someome's blood.
5. Janitor gets suspicious when you hang around the belfry.
4. Have to take large bulky coffin along on missionary trips.
3. Preschool kids who run with stakes.
2. Fangs cause lipsing during the "trespasses" part of the
Lord's prayer.
1. When your'e immortal, it's hard to find one really good
church and stick with it.
10. Holographic manger secnes.
9. Short term missions trips to Venus.
8. Reclining pews.
7. Bread andwine in one tiny pill! (grape juice for Baptist!)
6. Orrefing plates accept credit cards.
5. Microfilm Bibles can be lost in a million more places than
presently possible.
4. Fewer babies crying in church due to vability of cloning.
3. Laser slide shows on sensuroundsound.
2. Robot evangelists- many will be indistinguishable from the real
thing.
1. Photocoppiers that don't break down.
10. The marsupial whose pancreas is a cure for cancer. 9. Unicorns. 8. Brontosauri. 7. The rare bird that dies when it gets crowded. 6. The purple-tufted are eater. 5. The Himalayan legless ostrich. 4. The red polar bear. 3. The paisely-patternes chia pet. 2. The really tacky butterfly. 1. Cockroaches (they surivived anyway).
9. Your'e irritable and tense and have horns growing out of your head.
8. Inconvenient levitation at family gatherings.
7. The voices in your head sing "sympathy for the devil" instead of
"feelings"
6. You find yourself crank calling the Crystal Cathedrial and shouting
"no you can't. NO you can't" into the phone.
5. You sometimes feel drowsy in church.
4. You enjoy suffering so much you actually watch soap operas and Cub
games.
3. When you laugh really hard, acid comes out of your nose.
2. During daily devotions you tend to burst into flames.
1. The red light goes off when you test yourself of the
possess-o-meter.
10. They force people to smile during the 8:00 am service
9. It's hard to say with dignity, "The sermon today will be given by
brother Umpa-Doody."
8. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under pew cushions.
7. sermons take longer when thyer'e in pantomime.
6. Clowms wearing blue curly wigs might be comfused with
elderly women.
5. Many demoninations do not reconize seltzer-water baptism.
4. Dribble glases might be used during the communion service.
3. They have to pay janitors extra to get silly string off the celing.
2. The junior-highers pop thier balloons during closing prayer.
1. They realize they have enough clowns working there already.
2. Eat 1. Have children
NINE WORST SINS YOU CAN COMMIT WHILE BOWLING 9. ENVY--from seeing how other people seem to bowl without looking stupid. 8. LUST--from looking at overweight people in poleyster slacks with those oh-so-sexy shoes. 7. PRIDE--from being able to get the ball almost to the pins before it goes into the gutter. 6. GLUTTONY--from not being able to get enough of those nachoes dipped in lukewarm Americian cheese. 5. SLOTH--beacuse bowling balls are heavy. 4. Whatever the sin against the Holy Spirit can probally be done in a bowling alley. 3. MURDER--particularly if you're a lousy player and let go of the ball at a bad time. 2. THEFT--(although if you take someone else's bowling shoes they'll probally thank you.) 1. MATH ANXIETY-- not exactly a sin but who needs it?
TEN FEARS TEENS HAVE ABOUT CHRISTIAN CAMPS 10. The food will move when i'm not looking. 9. They'll make us play that stupid relay with the toothpicks and Lifesavers. 8. We'll take a moonlight hike through some posion ivy. 7. They'll serve beans right before the tallent show. 6. We'll have to wear dorky chpis of wood with our names on them. 5. The speaker will be a barely literate ex-football player who can't take a joke. 4. There won't be a panty raid. 3. They'll find out that my mom wrote my name on all my underwear. 2. The bonfire will rage out of control while everyone's head is bowed. 1. I'll meet a girl\ guy who lives in another state, fall in love, end the week with a big kiss, promise to write, write mabye three letters, and then meet ten years later while on vacation and not know what to say.
TEN CHIRSTIAN ATHLETE'S EXCUSES 10. The light of truth got in my eyes. 9. The other team must have prayed harder. 8. The quarterback gave signals in tongues, and there was no interpretation. 7. I expected the referee to be judging on grace rather than works. 6. While I was runnng with patience the race set before me, all the unbelievers seened eager to finish. 5. Our opponents were called the Devils, so we assumed they had to lose. 4. I've been missing my quiet times lately. 3. I got the diagrams confused with a map of paul's missionary journeys. 2. We are christians, and we didn't want to offend them by winning. 1. Mabye our loosing will help some of them come to Christ.
TEN CHRISTIAN PICK-UP LINES 10. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight." 9. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical." 8. "Do you believe in predestination?" 7. "I'm pretty flexible. I don't think a woman should be submissive on a first date." 6. "I'm strongly into relationship evangelism." 5. "You have the looks of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa." (don't mix these up!!) 4. "I don't see it myself, but people tell me I resemble Michael W. Smith. 3. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'greet everyone with a holy kiss'?" 2. "Did I tell you that my great- uncle was a personal friend of C.S. Lewis?" 1. "I just don't feel called to celibacy."
TEN COURSES AT CHRISTIAN COLLEGES 10. What you should believe if you ever want to graduate. 9. Intermediate Spoue hunting. 8. Broadcasting. 7. Advanced legalism. 6. Square dancing. (cancled) 5. Seminar: Why Jesus would be clean shaven today. 4. How to tye a tie. 3. Brylcream 101. 2. Seminar: The history of great men God has threatened to kill. 1. Introduction to Non-Christians: What they might look like.
GOLITH'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES 10. People who say, "How's the weather up there?" 9. People who automatically expect you to be a good basketball player. 8. When you manager hires cheesy taunt writers. 7. Broccoli. 6. Chariots with low celings. 5. No one has quadruple E sandals. 4. Always have to play Humbaba in annual Gilgamesh pagent. 3. Suspicion that there may be something dangerously wrong with your pituitary gland. 2. No matter what you wear, you still hae that tall look. 1. Kids with sling shots.
NINE COMMENTS OVERHEARD ON THE ARK 9. Has anyone seen the termites? 8. Japheth, it's your turn to clean the pachyderm section. 7. You fool!! you fed the alagator chow to the crocdiles! 6. Wake up! The cats and dogs are at it again. 5. How was I supposed to know the camels eould shed? 4. Hmmm...Tastes like chicken. 3. The mice can get seasick; it's the hippos I worry about. 2. Yuck Bugs! 1. After this, I'll be glad to go hunting.