FAVORITE JOKES

            When Good Dogs Go and Crossbreed:
 
 Pointer + Setter =
 Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
 
 Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
 Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
 
 Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
 Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
 
 Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
 Peekasso, an abstract dog
 
 Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
 Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
 
 Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
 Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
 
 Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
 Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
 
 Terrier + Bulldog =
 Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes
 
 Bloodhound + Labrador =
 Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
 
 Malamute + Pointer =
 Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
 
 Collie + Malamute =
 Commute, a dog that travels to work
 
 Deerhound + Terrier =
 Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
 
 Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
 Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
 
 Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
 Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

From Rodney Dangerfield

 
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with. 
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. "I went over.
 Nobody was home. 
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called
 me from a hotel 
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy,
 "Hey buddy,why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early." 
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase,and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. 
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
 liked me as a friend. 
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm
 sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born. 
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my 
father. He said he wanted more proof. 
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
 I said to him,"Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's
 so many places they can hide." 
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. 
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the 
mirror...I feel like throwing up;
 What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor
 told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?"
 He told me to run off a cliff. 
19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His
 favorite bone is in my arm.Last night he went on the paper four times -
 three of those times I was reading it. 
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. 
21.My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap;he was in the electric chair.  






                                   Murphy's Laws on Sex...
                                
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with
 no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
 it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
 how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she
 can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of the month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night... Then, on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
 the trouble in the garden.

25. Lost love is a hole in the heart.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
 But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

30. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

TEXAS WISDOM...


There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody
 else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to
 know what it is,but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never fart in your sleeping bag.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"



 MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
 I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
 without having their motives called into question.

 THE BIBLE:
 And God came down from the heavens, and said unto the chicken, "Thou
 shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,
 and there was much rejoicing.

 PAT BUCHANAN:
 To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

 BILL CLINTON:
 I did not cross the road with that chicken. What do you mean by
 "chicken?" could you define "chicken" please?

 LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
 The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
 the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

 COLONEL SANDERS:
 I missed one?

 L.A./N.Y. POLICE DEPARTMENTS:
 Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

 RICHARD M. NIXON:
 The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross
 the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

 DR. SEUSS:
 Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
 chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

 ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
 To die. In the rain.

 GRANDPA:
 In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
 us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 ARISTOTLE:
 It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 KARL MARX:
 It was an historical inevitability.

 SADDAM HUSSAIN:
 This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
 dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 RONALD REAGAN:
 What chicken?

 CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
 To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 FOX MULDER:
 You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
 have to cross before you believe it?

 MACHIAVELLI:
 The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end
 of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

 FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 EINSTEIN:
 Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 BILL GATES:
 I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads,
 but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book ... and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

One Liners...


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my  nose.

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