AKA The Hondgipon Curse

* I'm not too sure what inspired this fic. I'm positive though the plot bunny was actually
a chinchilla in disguise. Anyhoo try to enjoy it without wincing too much. Kudos and
virtual cookies to those who can guess where all the songs and song inspirations/re-
writes came from. *

By the Emperor's Sister

+++

There's a school, in the middle of nowhere.
Where everyday is like the one before.
A magic school filled with gifted students.
Until... one... day...

KABOOM!

KABOOM! KABOOM KABOOM KABOOM!!!

There were these several different groups of people,
All trying to cast a different spell.
But as you all can see...
It wasn't meant to be...
And now they just keep breaking out in song!

"Oh God!"
"My Robes!"
"That smells disgusting!"

"Oh NO!"
"MY HAIR!"
"It can't be true!"

"Are those... really?"
"Pink fuzzy slippers?"

"THERE MUST BE SOME WAY TO BREAK THIS DREADFULL CURSE!"

And so, quite against their wills, the residents of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry found themselves in the never ending musical, also unfortunately know as...

"The Hondgipon Curse!" Albus Dumbledore announced from the head table. "I am afraid
to say that we all seem to be under its spell, and that there is at present, no known cure."

Needless to say the students, and staff, were none too pleased to hear this bit of news. It
had been two days already and many were sick of hearing the off key notes of their
fellows. Everyone was just plain annoyed and tired and embarrassed at being forced to
SING out his or her feelings and thoughts and secrets out loud, at any given moment. It
was terrible, and one wasn't totally referring to the badly choreographed dance moves.

Friends were becoming enemies. Lovers were breaking apart by the hour. Classes became
rather interesting though, and attendance and test scores were higher now than they've
ever been. And the only warning one got was about three cords of mysterious music,
before some poor sap began prancing and prosing like they were Ginger Rogers or Fred
Astaire.

It HAD to Stop.

"I like our headmaster and all." The famous Boy-Who-Lived, Harry Potter, told his
friends, "But he seems Far to cheerful about this Honsgipon thing."

"Hondgipon, Harry." Harmione corrected, automatically.

"Whatever Mione. Don't get your knickers in a twist over it."

"You know I never read anything about this type of curse before." Hermione mused out
loud. "I wonder why?"

"Maybe because its soo bloody embarrassing nobody wanted to admit they were under
it?" Ron Weasly snorted. "Can't say I wouldn't do the same thing."

"Well... it was amusing to hear Malfoy sing yesterday in Care of Magical Creatures." The
quiet Neville Longbottom said, joining their conversation. He was answered by the
amused looks and chuckles from his peers.

"Yeah, we all knew he had one hell of an ego but... HAHAHA!!!" Seamus burst out,
only to have his close friend Dean finish for him. "To think he's some kind of sex god? I
felt sorry for all the girls there."

"Heh, I think even the Slythern girls were un-appreciative of that little number."
Hermione answered, blushing faintly at the memory. "But anyhow, we'd best hurry or
we'll be late for class."

"Oh yeah. Transfiguration! Can't wait to see what'll happen today." And with that said,
the students hurried off on their way.

+

'So far we've been rather lucky.' Hermione Granger thought, later that evening, as she
worked on her homework. 'None of us has had the urge to break out into song. Though I
must admit, I'm awful curious as to what we'd end up singing.'

So far the record of who's been immune at present was a whopping six people. They
consisted of: the dream team, Harry, Ron, and Hermione, The Creevey brothers, and
Professor Severus Snape. Hermione was making it her mission to find out why this was
so.

'It always seems to come back to me.' Hermione puzzled. 'Got a problem? Hermione
will fix it. Need a cure? Get Hermione to find it! Its Down Right ANNOYING HOW
EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE...' Hermione stopped her train of thought as the
mysterious cords of music began to chime through the air. 'Oh nonononono pleeeeaaase
not me!!!!'

She was lucky.

She watched embarrassed as she finally noticed just what her dear friends were up to. It
seems that Harry actually managed to defeat Ron at a game of Wizard's Chess. Ron
didn't exactly seem to be taking it too well... as he, apparently against his will, began to
harmonize.

"It... never... seems... fair." Ron forced out, his body trembling with effort. "I can't...
help... it... but Its TRUE! Harry Potter! I want to be... JUST LIKE YOU!" with a groan
the youngest Weasly male surrendered up to the powers of Hondgipon and sang.

"I wanna be just like you, just you and nobody else like you!" Ron sang, "Who wouldn't
want to be like you? My friend?"

"Poo poo pi doo!" the Creevey brothers, Colin and Dennis added as they skipped down
the steps into the common room.

"A Hero before I die, No lie! Every day I weep and cry!" Ron continued much to Harry's
dismay, only to have the back up singers takeover the song.

"We wanna be just like you! We couldn't aspire, to anything higher, then to fill a desire,
to be a Harry clone!" the duo pranced, "We wanna be just like YOU, just you and nobody
else famous will do! We want to be HARRY POTTER Clones!"

"Hermione!!?!" Harry whined at his non-singing friend.

"Umm... Sorry Harry... I have to go... to... the Library! Ciao now! Enjoy the show!" she
babbled and raced out of Gryffendor tower, biting her lip to keep the guffaws at bay.

+

Hermione sighed as she managed to get herself under control. "And I though having to
listen to Lav sing to Pav how she'd 'Never Tell' about that secret crush she had on Dean
was funny. Oh poor Harry. Oh Poor Ron! They'll NEVER live this one down!"
"Is there a reason you are out and about at this hour Miss. Granger?" a snarky voice
intruded on her. "For I have plenty of Work you can Help me with."

Hermione jumped and turned to see her grouchy potions instructor. "Um... Good evening
professor. I'm not doing anything..."

"Then we must Change that shouldn't we?" he suggested, and led the way to the
dungeons.

Now don't get it wrong,
Its even typed in song,
That there is something you should know.
You see, Granger and Snape,
As of late,
Have evolved and let friendship grow.

Never taking a break,
For there is too much at stake,
They've worked hard for a cure for Hondgipon.
Wearing smiles and a frown,
Not letting failure get them down,
Yes they're working hard for a cure for Hondgipon.

Mixing in a little spice
That makes potion making nice,
A giddy little thrill
At a reasonable price.
Their only major quarrels
Where over the use of sprigs and laurels.
But all in all it wasn't so bad,
Their close company fairly made them glad!

After many long hard hours of potion brewing, they gazed down at the fruits of their
latest efforts.

"So who shall we get to test it out on this time, Professor?" Hermione questioned,
subtlety informing him of their current lack of guinea pigs.

"Ahem... quite." Severus nodded and bade her fetch him something in which to drink the
sticky concoction from. "I suppose I should do the honours this time, Miss Granger. Try
not to be... offended."

Hermione returned with a slim glass vile and handed it to her partner. Dreading the next
process, Snape dribbled a fare amount into the tube and concentrated. He wrestled with
his thoughts and un-pleasant memories, searching for one that would hopefully make him
sing. Nothing seemed to be working.

Severus sighed, dismally, at his personal failure. He couldn't get the blasted cures to
work. He couldn't stop the murdering Dark Lord Voldemort. He couldn't even get the
stupid Hondgipon curse to make him sing out how bloody awful and useless he felt he
was. 'In all honesty,' he mused, 'if it weren't for Miss. Granger I wouldn't know what I
do...'

And suddenly the notes came.

"My story is much too sad to be told, but practically everything leaves me totally cold."
His suave baritone voice seemed to fill the dimly lit room. "The only exception I know is
the case... When I'm out on a quiet spree... Fighting vainly the old ennui... And
suddenly I turn and see..." he literally purred in the young blushing lady's direction.

"Your fabulous face."

Hermione was practically melting at his feet. 'I never knew he could be... soo... ro-
mantic!'

Not taking the chance to hear what his next words to the glossy eyed female before him
would be, Snape gulped down the gooey sticky substance. The next moment he opened
his lips, his starry eyed audience was treated with the words...

"Twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder where you're at."

Hermione crashed down to earth, her face covered in disappointment. "Well... That
wasn't what I expected." She griped as the music up and died.

"We seem to have created a potion from turning meaningful songs to utter nonsense
songs." Snape noted, glaring at their, once again, failed experiment. "It is quite late,
you'd best return to your quarters."

"Very well. Good night, then." Hermione bid, and calmly, but un-happily, walked away.
Once she was long gone, Snape took out his frustration by hurling the tiny glass across
the room, cracking it against a mirror.

"I don't think that vial was EVER meant to go there." The mirror scolded.

"Oh Shut Up!"

+

Back in her room, Hermione flopped onto her bed with a groan. "Oh WHY does it have
to be soo hard!?!"

"What's that?" her roommate Lavender asked.

"Nothing." Hermione mumbled.

"What's with her?" Parvati asked, intrigued.

"Herm's in love." Lavender answered.

"What? How'd You Know?" Hermione gasped jumping up and gawking at her fellow
Gryffendor.

"Easy silly, you're displaying all the symptoms. And about time too if you ask Me." She
answered.

"So who's the guy? You might as well tell us girl." Parvati pressed.

Hermione stressed over replying but eventually caved. "Umm... Severus Snape."

The girls started at her in shock, barely registering the tinkling notes of music taking over
the dorm.

"And WHY do you love THAT man?"

"I hardly think its something that the angels would plan."

Hermione sang. "Grindylowes got to swim, owls got to fly, and I got to love one man till
I die. I can't help lovin' that Snapey man o' mine." She sighed sitting down on her bed
once more.

"Tell me its hazy, over which side he chose. Tell my I'm crazy, well girls, I knows. But I
can't help lovin' dat man of mine." She continued as Lavender and Parvati moved closer
to her side. "Oh listen sisters, I love my potions man, and I can't tell you why. There is
no easy reason, why I should love that man. It must be something... that those angels Did
plan."

"When he goes away, that's a rainy day?" Lavender asked.

"And when he comes back that day is fine?" Parvati sympathised. "The sun does shine?"

"He can come home as late as can be." Hermione told them, "Home without him just
isn't a home for me. For you see..."

"Sirens got to swim, and Hippogriffs got to fly. And I got to love one man till I die."

"And SHE can't help loving that Surly..." Parvati trilled.
"And SHE can't help loving that Snarky..." Lavender piped.

"And I can't help Loving that Snapey man of mine!" Hermione finished.

"Well... when you put it that way girl." Lavender commented, "It makes perfect sense.
Hope it works out for ya."

+

The next day, the fourth day under the Hondgipon curse in case anyone was counting,
turned out to be much much worse. How could it get much worse you ask? Simple!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was under attack.

It seems that not only did this sing song curse cause everyone to dance about like over
paid chorus line wanna-bes, but it also weakened the magic wards within the castle. Such
as those keeping the dark forces at bay. In fact, the grumpy and tired students had quite
the wakeup call the next morning at breakfast. When they expected a shower of twittering
owls to rain down on them, delivering posts, they got a shower of Death Eaters instead;
lead by their evil Lord Voldemort himself.

"Well... this isn't good." Albus muttered into his toast as everyone was rounded up into a
mass of students at on end of the great hall.

"And THAT Albus is the understatement of the millennium." Professor Sinistra snapped.

"ACCIO!" roared the invaders as wands flew through the air like so many darts.

"Now would you kindly place your hands where they belong?" a chubby, silver handed
Wormtail advised. "Yes where we can all see them."

The evil and frightening Dark Lord stepped forward, eyeing his prisoners with glee. His
harsh blood red eyes caused many to turn away with fright, even before they actually
landed on them. Though it didn't seem to do much for the Headmaster. In fact, he
continued nibbling his breakfast and smiling, mischievously at the evil snakelike villain.

"Now really Voldimort." Albus grinned cheekily at the frowning creature before him.
"Just who do you think you are? Popping in un-invited, during breakfast?" Causing
everyone, who wasn't evil or evilly inclined, to gawk at the old man as if he'd finally lost
his marbles. But Albus Dumbledore seemed quite confident in his ire raising actions, as
they were all soon to discover.

For once more, Hondgipon worked its bizarre magic, as the Evil Lord Voldimort opened
his mouth to snap out a reply.

"I am the very model of a modern evil overlord,
I'm powerful enough that I can slay without the use of axe or sword.
I've destroyed whole villages with just one wave of my magic wand.
Of all the unforgivables, I find, Crucio the one that I am mostly fond.
I've undergone many plots and ploys towards world domination.
And singing like this is the peak of total degradation.
Though I admit to lack the charms of Han Solo played by actor Ford!
Take note that I AM the very best at being a Wicked Evil Overlord!"

Voldimort blinked stupidly at the song that just burst from his lips, and even more
stupidly at his death eaters who turned about and sang his chorus.

"Though he lacks the charms of Han Solo played by that actor Ford!" the death eaters
sang, "Know that He's the very best at being a wicked evil overlord!"

Lord Voldimort couldn't even garner the power to ask just what the hell was going on, as
once more he was dragged by the damned curse into singing the next verse.

"I'm very good at weeding out and destroying all my enemies.
Here I'll demonstrate. Harry Potter, step forward, now, if you'd please.
Since I've hated you so very much and this waiting makes one very bored
I figure killing your right from the start proves I'm a Nasty Evil Overlord!"

"Since he's hated you so very much and waiting makes us all so bored..." the death eaters
sang out again, "He figures killing you right off the bat confirms he's such a nasty evil
overlord!"

"All right! That does it!" Harry snapped, interrupting Voldemort and his prancing Death
Eaters. "I'm sorry but, I HAVE to draw the line at the butchering of the Pirates of
Penzance. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

Miraculously, the music changed, and Harry Potter, the boy who lived and was very
much about to stand off against the dark lord, began HIS song.

"Well at least the beat is one you can dance to." Hermione mumbled and dragged Ron off
to stand beside their friend and sing back up.

"We're not going to take it." Hermione started.

"NO! We ain't gonna take it!" Ron carried.

"WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" they chorused all together.

"We've got the right to choose it! There isn't anyway we'll lose it! This is our life; this is
our song!" Harry sang rather well, "We'll fight the powers that be, just don't pick our
destiny! 'Cause you don't know us, you don't belong!"

"We're not going to take it." Hermione grooved.

"NO! We ain't gonna take it!" Ron repeated as he mirrored Hermione's moves.

"WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" they cheered simultaneously.

"Oh you're so condescending! Your evil goal is never ending! We don't want nothing,
not one thing from YOU!" Harry rocked, casing all the other students to jump along
behind him as if they were all actually at some sort of concert. "Your life is trite and
jaded, boring and confiscated! If that's your best, your best won't do!"

"OH OH OH!" Hermione exalted in time.

"Oh Oh Oh!!" Ron followed.

"We're right!" Harry cried.

"Yeah!" the Hogwarts students yelled, as the death eaters backed up slowly.

"We're Free!" Harry bellowed.

"Yeah!!"

"We'll FIGHT!" Harry promised.

"YEAH!!!"

"YOU'LL SEE!!!" Harry roared.

"YEEEAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!" they all shouted loudly as the invaders turned and
fled. "We're Not Going To Take IT! NO! We Ain't Gonna Take IT! We're Not Going to
TAKE IT ANYMOORRRRRRRREEEE!!!!!!!!!"

And so the evil dark lord was defeated by the powers of the Hondgipon curse, and a
school full of frustrated, rock and roll high, students. Things could now get, relatively
back to normal.

+

After the harrowing sing-a-long from that morning, Hermione didn't know what to
expect. Everything was just too, surreal. She marched herself down stairs to the
dungeons, knowing there was at least ONE more bit of business left to take care of. Her
feelings for Severus Snape.

"Well... in for a penny in for a pound." She told herself, and walked into his laboratory.

"Professor." Severus glanced up startled, as the girl walked towards him. "There's
something I feel I must tell you."

"Oh?'

"You've put a spell on me."

Severus gawked at her confused. He attempted to opened his mouth and demand some
sort of explanation, but she went on, refusing him the chance to speak.

"I saw a world enchanted; Spirits and charms in the air. I always took for granted; I was
the only one there. But your power shone, brighter than I've known." Hermione lilted,
"I'm under your spell. Nothing I can do. You just took my soul with you. You worked
your charm so well. Finally, I knew, everything I dreamed was true."

"Miss... Granger... Hermione." Snape composed himself. "I lived my life in shadow,
never the sun on my face. It didn't seem so sad, though, I figured that was my place. Now
I'm bathed in light, something just isn't right." He took Hermione in hi arms, gently, and
began waltzing her gracefully about the room. "I'm under your spell. How else could it
be, anyone would notice me? Its magic, I can tell. How you set me free. Brought me out
so easily. You made me believe."

Smiling lovingly up at him, Hermione couldn't help but sigh. "The moon to the tide, I
can feel you inside. I'm under your spell!"

Snape dipped her, and breathed sweet nothings in her ear. "Surging like the sea, wanting
you so helplessly."

Hermione spun gracefully in a twirl, laughing joyfully, "I break with every swell, lost in
ecstasy, spread beneath my whomping willow tree."

"You make me com-plete!" they sang off together, concluding their lovers waltz with a
kiss.

+

High above the smooching couple, a gleeful old man sat sipping tea with his faithful pet.
"Well... it seems the Hondgipon curse has finally come to a conclusion. Heh heh, must
admit Fawks, it was quite entertaining while it lasted."

The End... So long! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen! Gooood Niiiiight!