Welcome to Melissa's Advice Column

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Got a problem?  I got a solution!  Its the perfect relationship!  Ask me anything.  I'm one smart cookie and I know what I'm talking about.  Love, money, family, absolutely anything.  I'm the one to turn to.
ANSWERS!  ANSWERS!  ANSWERS!

Featured Dilemma:

My Roommate's really weird...

Previous Dilemma:

My lips are chapped and I can't find my chapstick!

Dear Desperate,

I can't tell you how many letters I receive everyday that sound just like yours.  It seems that everyone has a bad roommate story to tell.  There have been roommates with smelly feet, roommates that break things and lie about it, roommates that like to sneek up on you while you're talking to yourself and doing the dishes, roommates that move out without even telling you, and even roommates from Austria that leave strange offerings of food all over the room.  However,  sometimes you get lucky and end up with a roommate who is constantly too drunk to care what you do at all.  With this last variety of roommate, its incredibily easy to take the television hostage and make the drunken roommate watch hour after hour of The Golden Girls or Discovery Channel documentaries.  This can provide great entertainment for many of those cold, collegiate evenings when you don't have any homework.  However, in your case, it would appear that your new roommate, is actually some type of tropical  bird, perhaps a young parakeet.  My advice to you is to take it to the vet once a month and spend hundreds of dollars on the little demon that is actually only worth about $5.  This should clear up the sneezing, but I'm afraid there's nothing you can do about the squawking and pooping.  I suggest looking into inventing some sort of hypoallergenic birdie diaper. 

Happy Inventing,
Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Recently I got a new roommate and things just haven't been working out very well.  For one thing I can't tell if it's male or female and it won't stop squawking!  All day it squawks and squeaks and then it stays up all night digging around for food.  It likes to bite me too.  It's angry ALL the TIME, no matter what I try to do for it.  It sneezes when I get too close and it can't even control its bowel movements.  I tell ya, I've dealt with bad roommates before, but I've never seen anything like this!  Please help!

Desperate,
Thomson Hall

Dear Melissa,

Please please please help me.  I've been looking all over for Chapstick on a rope and I can't find one.  How do I get in touch with Chapstick?  My buddy from college had one and I lusted for it, but could never find it.  It would make my year to get one... please help.

Rob Gehring,
gehringr@films.nfl.com

Dear Rob,

Thanks for writing!  First, I just want you to know that you are not alone in your lusting.  There is even a growing trend in Chapstick addiction support groups and I have encountered many a jealous roommate myself.   You are not alone.   Secondly, much has changed in the years since I last found myself in this predicament but I can still point you in the right direction.  You need to visit http://www.whitehall-robins.com and find some sort of contact address.  I know that there is an 800 number but I could not find an e-mail address the last time I was there.  The site was apparently under construction as of 5-15-00.  These are the people you need to talk to.  I wish you well on your quest and in the meantime, you and others like you can also visit http://www.chapstick.com for all your lusting needs.

Cheers,
Melissa