Thinker's Room
I know I don't know - therefore I know Kenyan Humour At Its Finest
The finest produce of Mother Kenya
... THINKER'S ...

SWEET OLD ME!

Happy New Year dudes and dudesses, friends and enemies, gentlemen and funny guys, ladies and village maidens, all and sundry. This is 2004 and not 2003. This means that instead of writing 2003 you will be writing 2004. It is a new beginning to a new year, and the romantically minded of us will be believing that this will be the year that will make them richer, smoother, more dashing, more beautiful, more intelligent and less pimpled. Well, believe what you will with all my blessings! The difference between achievers and dreamers is nothing but sheer action!

I'd ask you how you opened your year but we both know I don't give a rat's ass. But that's the old me. For the fourth year running my new year resolution is to be nice to everyone so I'd love to hear your sordid tales, of your (mis)adventures, or anything for that matter. In fact I'm so committed that I will read anything you send me and reply! How's that for a new year's resolution?

I can be found at 24 hours a day!

... PLANS & GRATITUDE ...

It seems that all my experiment that refused to die has created is a good bunch of fanatics. But that's not your fault. I live with me everyday and so I know that I am a fascinating feller. (Resolution number two: stop being so smugly self confident!) But seriously, let me freely confess that this thing after fulfilling its one year mandate ceased to become powered by me and became powered by you. Yes indeed, you. Doing this requires a lot of psyche and energy which quite frankly at times the supply gets very limited and it is only encouragement that keeps the head above the waters!

What do I have planned this year? Well if I told you I'd have to kill, behead and eat your earlobes. Suffice it to say that good things are down the line -- ranging from more articles, more opinions, RSS -- in short -- MORE!

While I'm feeling emotional I'd like to raise my hat to the fine ladies and gents that have kept my chin above them waters: Me (dude, you efforts are nothing short of commendable), Gathoni (What more can I say?), Muthoni, my self appointed manager (merci! You're the best!), Cynthia (sir, yes sir!), Sam (levelheaded critique), Pato (blowing my trumpet), Kevo, Sin, Her Flyness, Maureen Doreen, Sweet Lady, Cherie G, Njeri , Kenyana, Laura, Ciru and all other obsessive fans I can't remember off the top of my head at this time-- my thanks from the bottom of my heart.

And last but definitely not least is a great man called Cliff who I can say without a doubt taught me the thing or two I know before pointing me in the right direction! Hats off to you sir!

... 2003 ...

Now then, we can't end 2003 end without the inevitable awards to some certain people and events that shaped it!

... SIDE A ...

Woman Of The Year: She knows herself :)

Man Of The Year: Since I can't award this to myself, the man is Daniel Toroitich Arap Moi - He may have run us into the ground but when push came to shove he stepped aside and handed over the power. He could have tried something stupid like extending his term or holding on to power by force but didn't. And that makes Mr Moi The Room's Man Of The Year

Circus Of The Year:

Bore Of The Year: No offence to His Excellency Mwai Kibaki , but even his best friends would not call him interesting, or for that matter, the life of the party. Any party. His speeches lack colour, his clothes lack colour, and his parties are as dull as dishwater. Only an exceptional man serves mineral water at a New Year party!

Bullshit Of The Year:

- In the prostitution swoop arresting the girls and releasing the MPs and Ministers to spare them embarrassment, and to crown it off, having the commissioner saying proudly that "no male wa arrested in the operation!"

- Texas Ranger George W Bush and his dog Tony 'Toto' Blair going to war over weapons of mass destruction that are still conspicuous by their absence

Buffoon Of The Year:

- Security Minister Christopher 'Sweatyface Edmonds' Murungaru, who in his tent-like suits caused chaos whenever he opened his buffoonish mouth, ranging from Mungiki to terrorists to 100 million bob to celebrate 40 years of bull crap
- Assistant Minister Danson Mungatana. This is a gentleman who clearly loves the sound of his still yet to break adolescent voice. Man can't spend ten minutes without TALKING! When he learns to shut his mouth millions countrywide, led by myself, shall rejoice!

Moments Of The Year:

- The tribute to Cameroon's Marc Vivien Foe by the French and Cameroonian teams after he collapsed and passed away on the pitch during the Confederation's Cup.
- The unfortunate news that the Iranian twins joined at the head passed away during the surgery to separate them

Crap Of The Year: NARC has made 400, 000 jobs. HA HA HA!!

Shame Of The Year: Politicians playing games of bedminton on Koinange street just weeks after declaring total war on AIDS

Shocker Of The Year: Deranged man who raped a little girl and ruined her life forever

Surprise Of The Year: NARC systematically breaking each and every campaign promise made to the people of Kenya

Jackass Of The Year: Without a shadow of a doubt, that cretin Koigi Wa Wamwere. This dude is always talking. It is pity that sense never comes out of his mouth. If he's not receiving money from the Norwegian Government after claiming injury, or money from a University doing research so secret he himself does not know he;s doing it, he's brining into Kenya Ethiopian peasants who don't even know who Mathenge was and why he was a general, or asking everyone but himself to resign.

Ass Kissers Of The Year:

- Cooperative Minister Njeru Ndwiga, telling anyone dreaming of running for President in 2004 that they are dreaming.
- Labour Minister Chirau Mwakwere, who early this year declared he is the sole LDP official and not two weeks ago was applauding as Kibaki declared all affiliate parties of NARC obsolete
- Kiambaa MP Njenga Karume, declaring his total support to Kibaki in the infamous meet the people tour

... SIDE B ...

Songs Of The Year:

- Vile Tafana - Prezzo, Jua Cali & Nonini
- Kapuka - K-South
- Ignition Remix - R Kelly
- Get Busy - Sean Paul
- In Da Club - 50 Cent
- White Flag - Dido
- Clocks - ColdPlay
- Hamunitishi - E-Sir
- Boomba Train - Nameless & E-Sir

Bollocks Songs of The Year (2+):

- Cash Money - Mr Lenny
- In Da Club (Kiswahili Mix) -
Prezzo
- A good many others, too many to mention!

Albums Of The Year:

- Chocolate Factory -R Kelly
- Nimefika - E-Sir
- Get Rich Or Die Trying - 50 Cent
- Dutty Rock - Sean Paul
- Life For Rent - Dido
- Nairobizm - K-South

Artists Of The Year:

- K South
- Nameless

Movies Of The Year:

- Love Actually
- Lord Of The Rings - The Return Of The King
- Finding Nemo

Bollocks Movies Of The Year:

- The Matrix Revolutions
- Gigli

Quote Of The Year:

"There's this irritant called Francis Atwoli -- every time he opens his mouth he confirms our worst fears -- that there's nothing between his ears" - Trade Minister Mukhisa Kituyi putting the Secretary General of the Central Organization of Trade Unions firmly in his place

 

Face Of The Year:

Illusionist Of The Year(3):

- President Mwai Emilio Kibaki, fondly imagining that absconding his duties as the President of Kenya is a "hands off style of leadership". Put down the golf club and brown bottle and get to work!
- Labour Minister Chirau Mwakwere, fondly imagining that he is a "role model to thousands, if not millions" of Kenyans as he was accused of soliciting the services of certain hawkers on Koinange Street
- Assistant Minister Mwangi Kiunjuri fondly imagining that Raila Odinga was leading a plot against him, forgetting he is too much of nuisance value for anyone to lead a plot against him

Oh Shit! Of The Year: Assistant Minister Mwangi Kiunjuri, who not two weeks after denying ever playing bedminton on Koinange Street, has information brought to his attention that he spent a night in a lodging with a woman who was not his wife playing a similar game!

Story Of The Year: Martha Karua and Fr. Dominic Wamugunda going to collect some pressing and mysterious documents in the still of the night under moonlit skies...

 


Disclaimer: I assert my right to my opinions. The instant you come across something you don't like close the page immediately. If you go on anyway and are outraged at what i said, I have taken the liberty of preparing some automatic processing application to handle your objections. [CLICK HERE] for the automated apology system. Comments are welcome at .
... AOB ...

 


Here's to many more years of us meeting like this. If you're new here you can find ARCHIVES of past issues

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