In a world populated by cretins and geniuses alike, there is bound to be a gross manifestation of ignorance. Some of this is by design but a good bulk is by ignorance. My good deed for this year is to enlighten some of our less enlightened brethren about some basic facts.

The following are things that are facts to the rest of us. If you can identify yourself anywhere here then you have a problem. Try and catch up, will you?

Not anyone can wear a thong! Some people bring to mind cutting soap with a string!

STOP SAYING WALAPA!!!!

Not everyone can successfully wear a thong, Trust me. It's not universal. Some of us when wearing this garment bring to mind tshe experience of cutting bar soap with a string.

Little Hugh Jass is suffering from cancer of the rectum, cancer of the anus, cancer of the intestines, cancer of the colon, cancer of the semi colon and cancer of the comma. He also seems to have contracted cancer of the hair, cancer of the fingernails and cancer of the little toe. And in a strange twist of fate he is a genetic freak. He is developing an extra backside on his forehead and his vestigial tail is not vestigial at all. General Motors, Sergeant Motors, Corporal Motors, Amazon Motors and Athi River Motors have all agreed to donate a dollar going towards little Hugh Jass' treatment for each person you forward this to. It doesn't hurt to send it and you could be saving a life. Rather than just deposit the money with the hospital doing the surgery, they are willing to waste hours and spend millions of dollars tracking the odd million emails. Never mind that the endeavour itself is next to impossible!

{Mushy stuff, mushy stuff, mushy stuff} Forward this to 5 people and that donkey you have always wanted will come braying to your door. Forward this to 10 people and a pair of Camels will be showered unto you. Forward this to 10 people and God will bless you with manna for the rest of your natural life. Forwarded this to 100 people and you will become a honorary Angel. (Wings and halo will come by post). God was having trouble blessing people before the advent of email but now that it is a part of our lives he can dispense the blessings he has been unable to dispense for the past few thousands of years.

Out of the goodness of their heart and the guilt of making so much money, Microsoft have decided to give you 250 dollars for every body you forward the mail to. Apparently they find tracking down millions of emails all over the 7 continents of the world easier than just tossing the money from a helicopter.

Miracle cures that enlarge your backside, front side, toes, fingernails and other body parts that usually don't see much light of day. I can't speak for all my boys, but I for one have no desire whatsoever to enlarge my breasts.

For the hundredth and final time! The kuku dance is OUT OF FASHION! It has been so for almost a year and I still saw a goon doing it the other day! Wachana naye! Leave it!

Nas is the King, Prince, Boss, Chief, MP, President and Top Dog of New York. Jay-Z is a distant second.

Stop sagging your trousers! You look like a jackass. If you are older than 18 and still do this you are not just a jackass. You are a prize jackass.