Just Friends: A Thesis

An analytical thesis of the phenomenon of the "Let's Just Be Friends" scenario when applied to the Homo Sapiens male

Preamble

The typical man, contrary to popular belief, generally knows exactly what he wants, and generally it is in his best interests to keep this knowledge to himself. It is an acknowledged fact that the female of the species is an accomplished master of the art of using information against the male. (ref. Matere Keriri vs Lucy Kibaki, circa 2003-2004 AD)

So, on to the nitty gritty. Every last man has the following internal table in his head. Every female of the species that he knows well, or is acquainted with, falls into one of the following categories:

Now, if you are a lass rest assured that all the chaps you know have a table like this one. Here is a average sample painstakingly collated by Steadman Walker & Runner Limited over a sample of chaps

Dynamics

Naturally group dynamics come into play, and individuals are shifted from one group to another by the chap, based on a number of criteria.

However some general characteristics have to be observed

1) Movement is generally DOWNWARDS. i.e. from E to D
2) The further down you get, the more difficult the movement becomes. Thus movement from E to D is easier than from D to C
3) Movement from B to A occurs much less frequently. However there are some additional issues to be considered.

- Depending on the individual, some chaps do not allow movement of a lass from B to A. These are what are called PFs (Platonic friendships) that contrary to popular belief, are entirely possible. This is principally due to the fact that the chap has evaluated the characteristics of the lass and found her wanting in one or more crucial departments that would have made her eligible to move to A from B. This is why some chaps can confidently say that "Who, her? No way! We're just friends!!!"
- However, age, wisdom and sudden acquisition of a sense of style and reality can trigger relaxing on the restrictions of membership of Group A, easing the transition from B to A

Interesting Observations

The interesting thing in that from movement from Group A is generally straight to Group E, or at best, D. Again, contrary to popular belief propagated by nonsense tv shows and movies and mushy novels, movement from A to C is very difficult, and that from A to B is next to impossible. It would be easier for Mwai Kibaki to recite the complete periodic table backwards in ancient Latin while reading a War and Peace in Russian and juggling a liver and a motor boat engine.

The general consensus is that it is impossible to be friends, far less good friends, when your heart goes, as a great man once said, 'pagarasha' upon sight of the lass. And if a second chap came into the picture, natural accompaniments to the scenario are generally the green eyed monster and a disposition to armed combat.

So, in conclusion, when a chap makes his move, it is generally because he has moved you into Group A. Like I've said, if the lass declines, motion MUST be generally to either D or more commonly, E.

And here is the crux -- in 99.9% of the cases upon being shot down and offered friendship, anyone who agrees to be a friend, or for that matter a good friend is merely biding his time and strategizing how he shall convince you to change your mind.

General exceptions are when the chap is talking under undue influence (e.g. from the produce of Kenya Breweries and many Soviet and Eastern European distilleries, or when the chap is suffering the effects of a crush.

Disclaimer

Facts were believed to be accurate when going to press. No animals were harmed while undertaking this research. I have a sneaking suspicion that similar dynamics are at play in the female of the species, but I welcome comments.

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