No animals were harmed in the writing of this article. Is written in good humour and great liberties were taken with the facts. All is in good fun and no harm is meant!

With the World Cup in full throttle in Korea and simultaneously in Japan, some leading media personalities and MPs decided to have some sporting of their own – a football match. Rugby had been suggested tentatively but the general consensus was that there was likely to be quite some carnage. It was unanimously decided that no gentlemen should feature at all, and someone was head to observe that ‘the average IQ should now be effective double what it would have been’. The commentator, by virtue of being a gentleman, objected strongly to that comment but finding that he was outnumbered and outgunned 12 to 1 wisely elected to control his outrage. The commentator believes that he is intelligent enough to realize that 2 + 2 = 5 for large values of 2, and thinks that the disdain directed towards his gender is quite unwarranted. The aforementioned 12 left the commentator in no doubt that his opinion was unwanted and would be treated with the contempt it deserved. (I am the commentator.)

A meeting was called to arrange the details of the match. Tea and cookies were dispensed with and there was a universal tendency to avoid the sandwiches and cakes that were availed for the meeting. (It was later discovered that none of the sandwiches or cake remained after the meeting and breadcrumbs were seen dropping for a poorly closed bag.) It was resolved to form two soccer teams, each with media personalities and MPs. The commentator attempted to laugh at the notion and was cuffed soundly on the head for his troubles. Yet again he was reminded that he was outnumbered and outgunned so he kept quiet and ate cake and drank tea. At the end of the meeting the commentator inquired what time the match would start, and upon receiving the time, mentally added seven hours to obtain the actual start time.

PRELIMINARIES

The commentator arrived at what he assumed to be kickoff and was not surprised to find that there were only 80 individuals at the field, including himself. Disregarding the crows, the Billy goat and the three grazing cows, the effective populace was one. However soon the budding soccer stars began trickling into the field of play. The Parliamentarians were represented by only two players, and it was assumed that the rest were tired and were resting from their taxing duties, the way some had been doing (and very soundly at that) during the budget day speech. The media representatives numbered precisely 11. One had arrived ready and enthusiastic but the resounding laugher that greeted her left her in no doubt that her tennis outfit and racket were unnecessary and unwanted. She left in a huff. The commentator distinctly recalls seeing one of the media ladies discreetly nudge a golf caddy behind a bench. (He was given a threatening look that was meant to dissuade him from sharing that fact. That look has summarily been ignored.)

The teams were made up as follows:

BRA - ZIL

Ciku (Kiss)
Patricia Amira (capital fm)
Lillian Odera (KTN)
Pinky Ghelani (Kiss FM)
Beth Mugo (MP)

CHILE

Julie Butt (capital fm)
Mildred Ngesa (E A Standard)
Sheila (Kiss)
Martha Karua (MP)
Mary M'Mukindia (3rd opinion KTN)
Carol Radul Ruth (E A Standard)

The referee called upon the two captains to come forth for the coin toss. The commentator knew there was going to be a problem when 12 players stepped towards the referee, who took an involuntary step back. Immediately a storm of protest broke out, the most common query being ‘And who died and made you captain?’ The commentator’s suggestion that everyone be a captain was found to be wanting in intelligence and was dismissed at once. Finally the referee decided to toss the coin himself and select sides at random. This was found to be acceptable by all and a few seconds later the whistle blew.

THE GAME: Minute by minute description

0: Whistle blows. Lilian attempts to get the ball from Radul before being indignantly reminded that they are on the same team.
1: Pinky makes an impressive run for the post before realizing that the aim of the game is to score in the opposing team's goal. Her confident scoff of ‘I was just testing your reflexes’ was found to be unconvincing.
2: Pinky passes the ball to someone who watches it neatly roll off the pitch. Her claim that Pinky should have told her that she was passing the ball to her was met with stunned amazement.
3: Enthusiastic throw from Mildred has the ball flying neatly across the pitch to exit on the other side. Referee blows the whistle 6 times, and it later transpires that the gent was actually laughing.
4. For Bra-Zil, Lilian throws the ball. The Referee indicates a foul throw and there are spirited demands to know exactly what was wrong with her throwing. Referee hastily concedes he made an error and waves on play.
5: Radul shouts for the left wing to run towards goal and neatly intercepts the ball before it gets to Mary.
6: Radul corrects her instructions and shouts for the left wing to run towards the opposing goal.
7: Sheila demands to know what a left wing is, and whose left Radul was referring to. Makes a spectacular tackle and takes the ball from Radul. It is some ten seconds before Radul realized that she doesn’t actually have the ball.
8: Beth sees some old friends in the stands and casually strolls off the pitch to say hello. The stunned referee watches in amazement.
9: Ruth obtains the ball and feints to the right. Pinky and Patricia dash in that direction and the howls of the audience inform them that they are no longer on the pitch. Ruth slips the ball to Martha, who makes a fine dash towards the opponents’ goal, dribbling easily past the Bra-Zilian team. Chile is in exceptional form!
10: Radul rushes to intercept and some seconds later Honourable Martha describes a somersault, a back flip and two cartwheels before belly-flopping onto the soil. The crowd roars in excitement. Apologies are given and received, and the players unanimously decide that the first half is over. Beth returns to the field and goes on to join the team for refreshments.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

“Thank…”

That’s a word! Back to the match.

11: Some strategy is clearly being put into play. Pinky and Lillian cross the pitch and stand a few meters in front of a very bewildered goalie. The goalie demanded that they cross over to their own side of the pitch, terming it unconstitutional, illegal and immoral but the Chilean goalie failed to move the Bra-Zilian strikers. Offside had been suspended for the duration of the match and this was to be taken full advantage of. At the whistle Martha neatly flicks the ball to Ruth who with a Zulu war cry charges straight into the Bra-Zil midfield. It is difficult to tell if the opposing team is running away from her or from her war cry. Bra-Zil rallies quickly and Radul is on the job.
12. Ruth kicks the ball with unnecessary energy, and that same ball bounces off the forehead of Radul. An outraged howl jars a grazing cow to activity and the animal is last seen headed at a good clip over the horizon. The ball falls smack between Lillian and Pinky.
13: With thoughts of glory and the Golden Boot, both strikers leap at the ball, legs swinging energetically. Pinky’s boot gets to the ball, or rather most of the ball first and a millisecond later the ball, some grass, and good quantities of garden soil are streaking through the air, with the greatest of ease.
14: Lillian’s foot misses the ball (as it has moved quite some time previously) but got a consolation prize as it clipped the goalie smartly on her shin. An explosion of eloquent vocabulary from the goalie leaves no doubt that she objects to the contact.
15: While the bitter goalie retrieves the ball from the back of her net the amazed crowd watches Pinky attempt to celebrate. The attempts at somersaults reminiscent of Nigeria’s Julius Agahowa are largely unsuccessful when after the first cartwheel she descends unceremoniously to the earth in a sitting position. She gets up running and attempts to dive for the field, but closer examination of the densely packed earth with the consistency of cast iron convinces her otherwise. She settles for a jig and is joined by her team. Meanwhile on the other side a full scale argument is in session. The two defenders take exception to their goalie’s allegation that they were sleeping on the job. The goalie on the other hand would like the smart alec who said ‘only young kids get scored by balls being kicked between their legs’ to have a turn at goal. The referee attempts to pull a UN and placate everyone but is sent fleeing with a single look from the goalie.
16: Match resumes with Sheila kicking off. She has run all of five meters before it is realized that the ball remained at the kickoff position. She spins round, returns for the ball and is off again.
17: Patricia and Sheila replicate a Tom and Jerry collision when they violently collide in the middle of the pitch and remain suspended in the air for all of a second before descending back to earth. Referee stops play and for the next five minutes legs are unwound from around necks and feet are removed from behind ears. The two none the worse for wear eagerly await another kickoff.
18: Mildred with a burst of speed advances towards the opposing goal. The crowd is watching the display of pace with awe. Ruth follows like a shot, runs in front of Mildred and then towards the opposing goal. It is some time before Mildred realizes that the ball is no longer with her.
19: Ruth kicks the ball with a grunt of effort and the ball bounces smartly off Patricia’s head and for the second time Chile’s goalkeeper scrabbles desperately to keep the ball out of the net.
20: In a show of lack of confidence in the abilities of her goalie Sheila shamelessly jumps behind the line and neatly slaps the ball away. The howls of the crowd are nothing compared to those of Patricia and Bra-Zil. The referee blows his whistle and signals for a penalty.
21: Chile makes a half hearted effort to protest but everyone including the crows hovering overhead are adamant. Honourable Mugo tables a motion that she be the one to take the penalty. The ball is placed on the spot and she takes a few steps back. The crowd watches in amazement as she retreats almost to the car park and then finally gallops forward.
22: By the time she gets to the ball all the goalies’ adrenaline has been depleted and for the second time Chile’s goalie retrieves the ball from the back of her net.
20: Bra-Zil is now dancing violently on the pitch and the crowd is roaring its approval. The referee is trying to physically restrain Chile’s goalkeeper from her defenders. Two seconds and a bruised cheek later, the referee succeeds and peace prevails.

Collective applause is given to all the players for their performance. It was a great and thoroughly entertaining game.

EPOLOGUE

It was a thrilling and riveting match and the fans were thrilled and riveted. There was a tense moment when in a moment of emotion someone drenched his immediate neigbour forgetting that image is nothing. The cleaners who cleaned up afterwards were heard wondering what to do with the three milk teeth and the gold tooth found under the pavilion.

Representatives from the KBC arrived just in time to depart, raising questions as to what exactly being fashionably late means.

Chilean players look anxiously around for Sheila, offhandedly making fists and cutting through the air with Karate chops. The groans and rattles of a 1929 Bedford inform them that that lady was making her getaway.

One of the grazing cows was later found to be missing but everyone denied responsibility. The commentator particularly took offence to the 12 pairs of accusing eyes directed at his person but was unable to account for the presence of hoof-marks on his boots.

The exhibition game was held for HIV awareness. And again I repeat – great liberties have been taken with the facts and no malice is meant!

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