PART I: LEECHES, PARASITES & OTHER PESTS

There are some people who bring totally new meaning to the words parasite. Ticks, fleas, lice, roundworms and the rest of the clique have called a meeting to strategize on these individuals who are soiling their good name. See if you can identify yourself:

Type A (Homo Stupidus Gimme) are those cretins who after being born did not cry, but instead turning their young mouths to the doctor said "Give me". These are the people who always want things from you. If you don't have what they want, then they want you to get it for them. If you can't get what they want from them, then they want you to recommend someone who can give it to them or get it to them. These are the kind of people who when you see coming an overwhelming sense to smack their fat heads overcomes you, because the first thing these beasts of the wild shall say will be either "give me", "get for me" or "lend me". Phone calls and emails are only made to request something or the other.

Let's get one thing straight - it's one thing to ask for help but it's another kettle of fish altogether to misuse a friendship for your own gain at every opportunity you get!

Type B (Homo Hospitalis Abusis)  are the animals of the farm who go to great lengths to abuse your kindly offered hospitality. These individuals don't mind inviting themselves to your house, eating your food, emptying your fridge, wearing (and staining) your best shirts, pushing the bill in your direction, critiquing at your selection of CDs, smudging your books with greasy fingers, helping themselves your phone and calling all their friends and acquaintances and pretty much going out of their way to making your life a living hell.

News flash: entertaining your candy arse in my house is a sacrifice on my part. You don't have a right to my hospitality or generosity, and if the best thing you can do after I avail it to you is behave like the king or queen of the castle that strange and stinging sensation you feel will be my boot up your backside!

Type C (Homo Thankless Bastardis) You know this kind of garden swine. These are the kind of people you bring for lunch since they are stuck in the office and the first thing they say is something like " it's too cold " or " what took you so long". The  kind of fools who when you lend them some money to go home as they are grounded, inspect your note to see if it is  fake.

For too long has this nonsense been tolerated. The next such retort will result in a  comprehensive head smacking!

Type D (Homo Smartassis) These braying donkeys have intricate knowledge about anything and everything, and fondly believe that Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey etc. are amateurs and can learn a thing or two from them about humour. Whether the topic is politics, movies, nuclear fission, the price of guavas in Ouagadougou, music, soil erosion or the digestive patters of the female fruitfly, it turns out these relatives of Balaam's ass have written books on these very topics and are anxious to share their knowledge with an uninterested and unwilling public, loudly drowning out any other opinion.

A good pistol whipping, I feel, will work wonders on this ilk!