THE AFGHANI BROADCASTING CORPORATION
Allahu Akhbar! Good evening my fellow citizens of Afghanistan! It is indeed a
honour and a privilege to address you my friends in this time of our extremely
good fortune. I don't know about you but last night an entire pallet of about 50
packets of relief food was fortunate enough to find its way onto our compound.
Unfortunately my dog was in the wrong place at the wrong time but that is
besides the point. And do not bother visiting me at mealtimes -- for all intents
and purposes I will yell that I am out. If that is not strong enough a hint for
you remember I still have my collection of rifles and hunting knives.
But I digress. I am writing this to share with you the good news - the
Taliban has finally issued to us a licence to operate a television station! Is
that not good news? I have just filled in my Request to Receive A Request to
Apply for an Application to Inquire for an Inquiry to meet the Deputy's Uncle's
Daughter to the sister of the nephew's brother who lives next to the Minister
for Information's Father's Brother. (Please don't ask me to repeat) In one
month's time we will be fully operational.
Let me take this opportunity to
introduce you to the staff of the ABC (Afghani Broadcasting Corporation)
News Anchor: Me
Supporting News Anchor: Me
Sports Anchor: Me
Weather desk anchor: Me
Ship Anchor: Me
News Editor: Me
Director: Me
Cameraman: Me
Program Controller: Me
Timetabling: Me
Key Grip: (Don't know what that is either) Me
Advertising: Me
Receptionist: Me
Telephone Operator: Me
Anything else that I have forgotten to mention: Me
Our daily timetable will be as follows:
3:00 - 4:00AM: Pre-Pre Morning Prayers
4:00 - 5:00AM: Pre-morning prayers
5:00-6:00 AM: Morning prayers
6:00 - 7:00 AM: Post Morning Prayers
7:00 - 8:00 AM: More prayers (for those who think they escaped the Pre Pre
Morning Prayers
8:00-9:00 AM: Meditation & Reflection
9:00 - 10:00 AM: Meditation & Reflection on Meditation & Reflection
we've just had
11:00-12:00 PM: Lunchtime Prayers
12:00 - 1:00 PM: Miscellaneous Prayers
1:00 - 6:00 PM: A Few Words from our esteemed and most gracious leaders, the
Taliban (Note from ABC Director: "A few words "are NOT
my words!!)
6:00 - 7:00 PM: DAILY SPECIAL (See Details Below)
7:00 - 8:00 PM: Epilogue
8:00 - 3:00 AM: Guess what -- Prayers
DAILY SPECIAL
I have some exciting shows scheduled for you!
MONDAY: The Wahid Brothers (A comedy about Mohammed & Salif Wahid and
their father who runs a diner in downtown Kabul) followed by another comedy,
filmed overseas and customized for our people, Husseinfeld.)
TUESDAY: Kabul Hope (A stirring drama about the lives and happenings at a
downtown Kabul Hospital. Note: All the doctors and patients are MALE)
WEDNESDAY: KPD Blue (Kandahar Police Department Blue: Stirring and
interesting drama on the lives of the Ministry Of Prevention Of Vice and
Perpetuation of Virtue Policemen. Again, all the policemen, judges, pedestrians,
robbers, conmen, murderers, ice cream salesmen and even the birds and stray cats
are male)
THURSDAY: MTV: (Mujaheddin TV) Continuous Prose and Poetry from selected
members of the Taliban
FRIDAY: T Files: (The Taliban Files -- the truth is what we say it is)
Thrilling drama of two Taliban Agents who with sheer intelligence and foresight
outwit everyone to get to -- sorry -- define the truth
SATURDAY: KabulWatch -- Interesting Drama of lifeguards (All are male and at
ALL times they are fully dressed -- even when in water)
SUNDAY: Survivor -- 3 contestants are taken to a cave in the mountains and
are expected to keep a detailed journal of the happenings and send by post to
inform the public of what's happening. (Hey, I've only got one camera!)
THINKER'S ROOM