Jane Doe.
Box #####

My Dearest Other,

I write this in order to clear some things with regards to our relationship. We have been 'going out' as the term is, for a while and during this tenure I have noticed a thing or two that I wish to bring to light in order to clear some confusion that seems to be building up.

Climbing Mountains, Crossing Seas etc.
I do not, have not and will probably never do anything of the kind for you or for anyone else for that matter. Do you realize that a mountain is on average about 5,000M high? Assuming metric conventions, that is 5 kilometres -- all uphill, and fraught with threats such as buffaloes, wildebeests, mountain goats, mountain sheep, mountain rats and generally mountain wildlife, not to mention mountain sickness!Add that to a chronic lack of oxygen and the presence of snow denoting ridiculous temperatures leads me to believe that no man in his sense would endeavour to climb these things purely because you ask!

The issue of crossing seas also needs to be addressed. No man, whether in his right mind or not, will attempt to cross the sea. Do you realize that the sea makes up 70% of the world surface? If I were to cross all the seas for you by the time I actually got to you I believe your back would be so bent from your old age your palms would have developed hooves.

Crossing rivers also needs to be addressed. If it is small enough and there is a bridge I would be willing to cross it but if you want me to cross the Nile, for instance, you have another thing coming! Do you realize what sorts of aminalia and plantae infest the river? Are you aware that these rivers are often used as HWDSes? (Human waste disposal systems)

Doing Anything For You
I know this line sounds really nice on radio as well as The Bold And The Beautiful, the Young and The Restless, the Good, The Bad and the Ugly, etc. but my dear there is no way in hell I would do just anything for you. I will try indeed to make you happy but stop for a minute and try to realize what anything is. It covers crossing rivers and seas (this we have just discussed) to sitting at home and applying nail polish to my nails. It also includes slitting my eyelids and driving hot needles under my fingernails. It also includes dipping my toes in frying oil. Quite realistically there is no way in hell I shall do this for you or for anyone else for that matter! If ever you hear me say this and It is not Valentine's Day, know that I am doing It under duress in a fit of madness.

Birthdays, Anniversaries, and information of the sort...
If I have difficulty in remembering my own mother's birthday then I am hardly likely to remember yours, am I? Of course I do try and write It down but once in a while I will forget It But that I am willing to grant you -- I will do my best to remember your birthday and the anniversary of when we met. However I refuse to commit to my memory information like:

• The time, day, date, week, month and year I first set eyes on you, what you were doing and what I was doing
• When, where and who the waiter was when we first had dinner
• When we first had breakfast, what we ate and what the temperature of the tea was
• What time I first saw you (In Greenwich Mean Time) and the exact GSM co-ordinates of my and your position
• What you were wearing when I first proposed, and what colour of thread you used to sew that patch on
• The colour of your nail polish the fist time I kissed your hand, and which nail was chipped
• The first time we argued and what we were arguing about. (At least I won't have to remember who won the argument -- It will default to you)

Comparisons to other gents
I don't particularly care what Jane's boyfriend bought for her for Christmas. Nor do I care what your ex used to do when you fell down the stairs and dislocated your tongue. I especially do not give two, three, four or five hoots what Bo said to Mabel in Days of Our Lives. Therefore subtle hints or outright comparisons between them and myself I will reject unceremoniously. If you find Bo' style so appealing I am willing to dedicate half an hour to consulting my address books and directories to get you his address.

Gifts
Where you got the idea that I shall shower you with gifts every ten minutes I will never know. Do you realize that we are in an economic recession? That I have pressing things to do with my limited funds like buy food, pay bills, etc.? The sense in spending 600 bob on flowers that tomorrow morning you will put in the bin escapes me completely. Gifts should be given once in a while (and I do mean the while bit!)

"NO COMMENT" Policy
I have formulated, purely for my own survival, the NO COMMENT philosophy. This is because sometimes you ask me questions that leave me between a rock and a hard place. Consider the first time you asked me if you were fat. You will recall that I said yes and you will also recall that the slap you gave me moved my jaw two inches to the left and the yelling you did gave me a hearing problem in my left year for quite some time. The next time you asked me the same question you will recall I answered strongly in the negative and if you recall again you accused me or lying! So I have decided for some questions I will take the no comment philosophy and not answer at all.

ARGUMENTS
I find the fact that you store everything I do in readiness for an argument very disconcerting. Comments like "Remember the other day when we were at akina Lucy's you..." or "... this is not the first time anyway! The day we went to Westlands you..." are very likely to send me fleeing for my life. I would very much appreciate It if we left yesterday's domestics where they belong -- yesterday!

I await your reply on these matters as soon as possible.

Yours,
John Doe